It’s So Quiet!


My inner world is silent. I feel like I’ve been cut-off and I’m super pissed! Of course it’s strange that no matter how many parts I’m mad at, that actually means that I’m mad at myself. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t change that it feels like it’s not me. It feels like everyone made a ruckus, showing me things that told me something bad happened to me and now…nothing. Silence. And it’s really unfair. You can’t just open the box and let all the crap be seen, then shut the box and expect me to forget. I’m so angry at these parts for pulling crap like this!

My therapist says that this too is part of the “process”. She said being angry at myself will only make things worse. But it’s not like I can hide my feelings from myself right?She says sometimes there’s a break and that I need to trust the process. Well the Process can kiss my ass. I feel like it should be my decision what I am and am not ready to know. Who the hell are they to decide for me!? I have no control over this and I hate that! I have no control over anything in my life and I’m sick of that too. I’m sick of sitting here, fat, tired, cold, in pain and knowing nothing about my own life.

 

Posted in Alters, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Hope Kills And I’m Tired Of It


Trigger and content warning:**** after much wrestling with my feelings about posting something that would be hateful and negative and after asking about it here, I’ve decided to write a post centered around my current struggles with trying not to return to my eating disorder. It seemed that a detailed trigger warning was the way to go, so if you decide to read this post anyway, you go into it knowing it’s not nice. Eating disorders can cause some really negative, ugly thoughts that aren’t indicative of how the individual really feels when they’re not sick. I’m going to talk about these ugly thoughts in an honest way and I don’t want any of my readers who struggle with their weight, whether they are overweight or underweight or whatever, to feel like this is aimed at them because it is not. What I’m talking about is where my head goes when old behaviors try to swallow me up. I also think it’s good to get these things out in the open because it could be helpful and it’s what happens even if it’s not nice. If you feel like reading this would cause you too much pain then don’t read it. It’s fine with me if you don’t. If you do read it then just know that it’s not the real me, it’s the disordered eating me who feels like this. Also, if you’re expecting a positive spin or some nice ending you would be wrong. ****trigger warning ended.

It seems like hate is coloring everything I see these days and that hate is coming from me. I’m hating life and I’m sick of waking up everyday and being swallowed up by more hatred.

I tried to be healthy. I did. I’ve been eating normally since February 2013 and I’ve gained so much weight that I feel like an alien. I walk around everyday in a body that is not mine and it feels wrong so I feel wrong. This goes beyond just being disappointed in being overweight. Maybe I should have consulted a physician before I started eating a normal amount of calories but no one told me to do that. There is no information out there on what the hell I should have been expecting when I started eating again. There’s no timeline saying ‘if you were anorexic this long you can expect it to take at least this long to get your metabolism back on track’. There’s no help here. I’m just sinking.

And my therapist who is supposed to be an “expert” in eating disorders is pissing me off with her incessant speeches telling me not to count calories, just ‘listen to your body’, “eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full”. That is bulls%$*. I’ve been doing that and I’m a whale. Hell, I’ve been vegetarian much of the time and it makes no difference. I’ve done cardio 3-5 times a week and it does nothing! And no this is not my body settling into it’s natural weight! I know what my healthy weight is and I remember how it felt to be lighter and skinnier. I had an eating disorder but I was a hell of lot happier in some ways.

I don’t look as overweight as I am because my height hides it but I know what I look like in the mirror and it disgusts me.

When you have an eating disorder, and I don’t know if it’s the same if the disorder is binge-based or about compulsive eating, but when you have an eating disorder centered around excessive calorie restriction and over-exercising…fat makes you sick and fat people make you sick.

When I first gained weight because of being on medication it gave me an empathy for overweight people that I thought made me more understanding and accepting of others. I thought that I had learned a good lesson. I found out that people can be overweight because of reasons outside of their control like illness or prescription side effects. It was something I hadn’t thought about when I was skinny. I didn’t judge people based on their looks.

Recently I was watching a tv show and there was a character on the show who was fat, and I’m saying fat because it shows the change in my thinking. When she was onscreen all I could see was how fat she was, how many chins she had, how round her face was. It made me sick. I hated her…I mean I really hated her. I started wishing that they would kill her off on the show (it didn’t help that her character wasn’t exactly likeable but my reaction wasn’t really based on that). Well, I got my wish and her character was killed. I was glad because I didn’t have to look at her anymore. In fact I played the scene again just to see her die again. Something was wrong with me but i wasn’t in touch with it at the time.

The ferocity of my hatred took me by surprise. I actually stopped and I asked myself what in the hell was going on? I couldn’t tell yet. It got worse because every time I saw an overweight person, I felt hatred and disgust with them for being lazy and greedy. I didn’t want to see them walking around where I had to look at them. So much hate.

I started pushing myself to exercise more and I was still tracking all my calories. I think that things actually got worse when I saw a dietician in December. She wanted me to try a 1200 calorie diet and she suggested exercising at least 5 days a week. Don’t get me wrong…she said that if I got hungry on 1200 calories that we needed to change it immediately because she would not have me going around hungry. But there’s no way in hell that I can exercise 5 days a week! I have other chronic health problems that make that impossible. Still I tried. I exercised the days that I could and I pushed until I was shaking. But there was more hate.

I would wake up in the morning and weigh myself. Hate. Because no matter what I did the scale would go up, then down and give me hope and then go right back up. Hate.

I was eating organic, healthy food…being vegetarian at least 80% of the time and when I ate meat it was only very lean turkey or chicken or fish. Hate. Because it was never good enough. Or maybe one day I would be bad and eat potato chips or a something else that I shouldn’t have and then…hate. I hated myself for being weak…for giving in…for being fat…Hate.

It was around this time that I realized that the hatred that I had been feeling towards the overweight or obese was actually about me. I hated myself. I hated myself so much that it couldn’t be contained inside me. It had to be directed outwards, so I directed it towards people who represented what I see as a severe failure on my part. I’m overweight so I hate people who are overweight. I disgust myself so they disgust me. I wish they were dead and sometimes I feel that way too.

I know I’m using past tense but this is still a current problem. I’m just more in touch with the source now.

I talked to my therapist because I’ve been tempted to restrict my eating again. I keep thinking that I can just do it for a little while and then stop. But then I wonder if I could stop and wouldn’t I just be back here again with my body broken from unhealthy habits?

Last month I took a bunch of screenshots on my cell phone of thinspiration so I could look at them as motivation. Yesterday I spent about half an hour or so making a screensaver for my computer that is made up of thinspiration of skinny women and sayings about being fat. It’s not good.

My therapist said that the first step to losing weight is to stop hating my body. We argued about that for the rest of my session because I thought she was crazy. I tried to tell her that it’s easy for her to say since she’s skinny. She just doesn’t know what I’m feeling. She did help me to see that I was being really hateful to myself and hard on myself but that hasn’t really helped.

I tried to “relax” and stop trying so hard for about a week and all I did was get fat and it did nothing. I don’t care that I don’t look fat. I care about how I feel. I feel sluggish and ugly and awful and I hate the sight of myself in the mirror. At the same time I just want to be a healthy weight. I want to be healthy. I tried to avoid all the health problems that run in my family by being healthy in what I eat and being more active than my relatives have been but no matter what I eat or how healthy it is, the scale won’t budge.

The worst days are when I lose a pound or two and I feel that most awful of emotions: Hope. I feel hope and I think that maybe, just maybe things have started to change. Then I keep eating well and exercising and I gain those pounds right back. And I die a little inside every single day that this goes on.

Hope kills.

Posted in Child Molestation, Eating Disorder, Incest, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , | 6 Comments

I’ve Got Bipolar Brain


I don’t always write about being bipolar as my focus has been more on trauma work and dissociation, but I’m so slow and stupid that I feel the need to write about my bipolar brain.

Usually if I have some kind of brain fog I can trace it back to a bad night’s sleep or being woken up suddenly which disrupts my sleep. It’s the same this time but it’s lasting a very long time. I think it’s been a week as of today.

Last Thursday I had to stay up past my normal bedtime even though I had taken my Seroquel already. I couldn’t give into it because I wasn’t able to get back home yet so I fought it. That was the first bad night. Then I got woken up by my cats, I think, really early the next morning, so that didn’t help. By Saturday I was having trouble forming words. Literally. I mean that my mouth and lips had trouble forming words and then I could barely get those words pushed past my lips. I felt like I sounded drunk. I’ve been having trouble understanding what people are saying to me and I can hardly tell what time it is at any given point. I can’t concentrate and I’ve had a headache for a week now, yes and actual week of the same headache everyday.

It’s unnerving because it’s making me self-conscious. I feel really nervous if I have to go out or talk to people because I don’t understand them or because I feel like I’m trying to speak with my mouth full of molasses. I’m afraid of looking stupid and having people look at me like I’m weird.

It also doesn’t help that I feel like I’m experiencing some derealization as well, so the world seems odd to me.

Your brain kind of determines your reality so my reality is really wonky right now. Though I have no personal experience, I think actually being drunk would probably be more fun.

Posted in bipolar disorder, derealization | 4 Comments

Struggling With Writing Honestly


I’ve been going through a particularly rough patch involving my weight, past eating disorder and the effects all of this is having on my mental health.

The problem is that I really would like to write about it but I don’t know if I could write as honestly as I would need to because I would fear hurting readers who I know struggle with their own weight issues.

I would never ever want to do that but there are aspects of disordered eating that I believe need to be openly discussed. It’s not to say in any way that the thinking is healthy or correct because it is not. And that’s the point. I want to openly talk about my unhealthy thinking but I don’t know how to do that without being hurtful.

I considered making the post password protected but then that closes down the whole open thing doesn’t it?

This issue is why I’ve been so quiet recently. I need to get this out of my head and into words but…how do you say things that are mean and hateful and awful but also honest even as they are completely wrong?

This is my blog but it’s also a place for my readers. I want you to feel welcomed here but isn’t my point to be honest? To tell you how I’m feeling and thinking? To let people know they’re not weird for feeling a certain way? How can I do that if I stay quiet?

Conundrum…

Posted in Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged | 10 Comments

A Random Thought About Triggers


I was watching a popular period drama on tv the other day when I was badly triggered by an unexpected sexual assault happening to a fan favorite out of nowhere. I could write an entire post on how that episode made me feel and maybe I will at some point…maybe I won’t but I’ve found myself looking at the word “trigger”.

Here’s my random thought about this word: for those of us who have been sexually abused and either doubt ourselves or don’t have complete memories yet…when we say “I was triggered by (insert phrase here)”…aren’t we saying that something happened to us? If I say that I was triggered by A B C or D doesn’t that mean that on some level I’ve had an experience that was real, even if it’s not the exact situation depicted in whatever triggered me? Isn’t that an admission that something (whatever is was) actually happened?

I’m not asking an actual question that requires a yes or no response, it’s more of a…thought that occurred to me.

I can watch many things happen to characters in movies or tv shows or read about them in books and I won’t be emotionally affected by them. No painful experience, no trigger. But every once in a while something I read or see will gut me and leave me reeling, sometimes for hours or days. And I can’t help but ask myself, why is that if nothing happened to you?

As I wrote previously I’m past doubting myself now but when I’m triggered I wonder if there is information there somewhere. I think that an average person who has not been sexually abused can most definitely be disturbed by something they see or read but I doubt that they have the same reactions that a victim/survivor would have. Does that then make me a victim/survivor? It makes sense to me.

Posted in Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

The Shift From Doubt To Belief


It seems that I’ve been hit in the face enough in the last month or so with flashbacks and feeling memories that I can no longer doubt that something happened to me.

It’s a relief actually. When I look back at how much I doubted myself and what kind of excuses I made as to why the images and feelings I have couldn’t possibly be real…I can’t believe that I ever thought those were logical lines of reasoning! I’m not a drama queen. I’m not a liar.  I don’t cry over nothing and I can’t ignore the flashes I’ve seen or how they made me feel. And I’m glad that I can’t ignore it anymore.

I’ve shifted from constant, draining to self-doubt to acknowledging that something happened to me, I just don’t have all the details right now.

I also stopped focusing on getting answers from outside of myself. There is way too much stuff simmering in my subconscious for me to doubt that all the answers I need are inside of me. I don’t need to have a complete, sequential record of every single second of what happened. I just need to know enough to know what I’m dealing with.

Now I’m in a phase of frustration that goes from mild to severe. There are images and feelings just out of my conscious grasp and I just can’t reach them. I’m trying to relax and be patient with myself but it can be very, very hard.

Still, I’m glad to be done with beating myself up with lies about who I am inside.

Posted in Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 14 Comments

Simmering and Roiling Discomfort


I’ve been wanting to write a post for a while and I was going to write about the shift in my denial that I’ve experienced and how it feels but at the moment I’m feeling really edgy and emotionally off-balance so I’m guess I’m posting about that instead.

 

I don’t feel like writing a long post. I’m just going to acknowledge this. This feeling makes me wonder if a memory is under the surface of my consciousness and this feeling of edgy unease is the precursor to it coming out? Do people get weird feelings before memories or flashbacks happen? I have no idea. I do know that in the past few months it has felt like I get very anxious before something happens. I’d almost welcome this warning because I’d know what was coming.

 

As it is, I’m not sure. I just know that feel not myself. My temper is quick and my patience is threadbare. I feel like I might cry at any moment and I’m just jittery and uncomfortable. It’s really, really uncomfortable.

That’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll be back soon with either my original idea for a post or something else.

Posted in Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments