Feeling the need to pull back in life

My husband told me the other day that he was in a bad mood. He was tired from work and tired from some other responsibilities he has. He was listing them and he mentioned dealing with me as being a stressor and I felt bad.

I used to handle my multitude of mental and physical illnesses with absolute silence. He had no idea what was going on with me, ever, and it was like pulling teeth to get any information from me. I prided myself on not being a complainer.

I haven’t changed in that I still don’t complain, but my therapist has been encouraging me from day one to be more open and my husband confirmed that he wanted that as well. That equaled up to him asking if there was anything he needed to know that I had discussed in therapy, and me maybe, sort of saying something, to him asking how I’m feeling and me saying, “Meh” or “So-so” which were big deals to me since I prefer not to say anything.

I felt quite helpless in making him feel better. It’s difficult when there’s nothing I can do to fix anything. I like to fix things! But that can’t be done because it’s just life. People have to work and do things they don’t always enjoy. What can I say?

I did my best to be physically comforting which you have to know is not my forte. Patting his head and rubbing his back. That’s all I’ve got. I sent him an email today with some encouraging words. I’m out of ideas. He’s off on Monday so I told him I’d make breakfast. *Sigh*

What else can I do but pull back? My head is telling me that it’s time to go back to the way it used to be. Don’t tell him anything, and when he asks you how you are, go back to saying that you’re fine! You will always be fine!

It shouldn’t be too hard unless he pushes, which he might, but I’ll have to go back to acting again.

I don’t fear the work, only the effort it will take to deflect him because I’m already tired.

I have to be around large crowds for the next two days which will be awesome and it will give me a chance to put on a performance extraordinaire! Practice, practice.

 

Adding new diagnoses the list gets longer

I forgot to mention that last week my therapist diagnosed me as having agoraphobia with panic. Fab…Even though, how does one have agoraphobia without panic???

I hadn’t really realized it until she said it and I paid attention to my behavior that I really am scared to leave the house. I go out once a week to see her and I do all my errands that day so I don’t have to leave the house again.

Somehow, I didn’t see for myself that this behavior was a problem. Huh.

It was also funny to me that when I told her about freaking out at the eye doctor, she reminded me that I have PTSD. I swear, it was like hearing it for the first time. What’s up with that?

I think I’m going to see how many inane diagnoses I can get just for fun. How many neuroses with cool letters can I add? I think they should go after my name like a doctor:

CimmerianInk P.T.S.D.D.I.D etc…

 

Something bothering me about the Josh Powell case

I know some of my readers are from other countries so I don’t know if everyone knows about Josh Powell. His wife has been missing for several years (assumed dead) and he was the only “person of interest” in the case. His father, Steve Powell, was arrested on charges of voyeurism and child pornography and Josh lost custody of his sons. Recently the story shook the country because Josh Powell killed himself and his sons in a planned explosion. Awful and tragic and I feel no sympathy for Josh Powell, only for his sons, let’s make that clear.

I’m not here to talk about that part. What I want to talk about is the recent story I saw:http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory/josh-powell-400-cartoon-sex-incest-images-15743201 That talks about images they found on Josh Powell’s computer, and I’m not going to talk about what you think I may talk about.

I read in a separate story that Josh’s father had shown him pornography when he was a child. That is now considered sexual abuse. Then I was thinking about the images he had on his computer and I started wondering why he had them? And I’m wondering if the why is different than the why the authorities are thinking.

Why am I wondering about this? Ok, I’m definitely projecting from myself. I guess that I’m thinking that the authorities are assuming he used those images to abuse his sons. I absolutely think that’s possible, but here’s where the projecting comes in.

I’m thinking about times in the past when I looked at images that weren’t healthy for me. NOT illegal stuff! Hopefully you guys know me better than that.

I actually talked about this compulsion a long time ago even though I haven’t engaged in it for a long time, for which I’m grateful.

Goodness, now I feel the need to make sure this is clear: I’m talking about consenting adults pretending to do things that relate to my own abuse. Ok? Ok.

The connection to the case for me is that I’m wondering if Josh Powell had those images because his father abused him in other ways besides showing him pornography? I’m wondering if maybe he didn’t sexually abuse his sons but was instead doing what I’ve done, which is….I don’t now…punishing yourself(???) by viewing thing like that?

It made me feel bad about myself. Like what would people assume about me if they knew what I’ve looked at but without knowing the reason behind it?

I’m not sure why this particular angle of the story is bothering me so much. I keep thinking that all of this goes back to Josh’s father, Steve. There is something very wrong there and I feel like the whole story isn’t known. It just keeps bothering me….

 

 

Panic at the eye doctor

I have no idea how to explain what happened or why it happened. It’s not abuse related but I honestly have no other place to just talk about it.

I went in for my annual eye exam at my regular place today. Towards the end my doctor wanted to dilate my eyes. Now, I’ve been able to avoid this for the past several years by agreeing to come back for it later and then forgetting to do so. It wasn’t intentional, I really did forget every year.

This year the doctor suggested that I just get it done today, so I agreed. No biggie right?

Ok, so the room is darkened and he puts all the drops in and then sits my chair back up and tells me that I can’t open my eyes and that someone will be in to get me. This is where it got awful. I’m sitting in the chair and my eyes are shut but I keep hearing noises where the door to the room is. Now I know this place. I’ve been going there for years. There was no reason to be scared. But I kept thinking that I could hear someone breathing right in front of me. But, I couldn’t open my eyes because I was told not to. Oh my god, it was so awful. I got more and more frightened and I was becoming desperate to open my eyes but I was afraid that I would mess it up if I opened them too early. My ears were straining to pick out where I was hearing the sounds. I kept wanting to call out to ask if someone was there but I felt foolish. Then I became obstinate and I lifted my head and pointed it in the direction the sounds were coming from so that if someone was there they would know that I knew it. Paranoid right?

It got worse. My head was screaming for me to open my eyes but the doctor’s warning rang in my ears. Then my head started to feel funny like it wasn’t sitting on my body properly anymore. I literally couldn’t figure out where my physical head was at.

I was so scared and I just got more and more frightened because I couldn’t open my eyes. My anxiety reached epic proportions that I didn’t know was possible. I thought I was going to claw my eyes out or scream or something. It was terrible and it was worse because while all of this is happening I was confused about why I was reacting so strongly.

I had the thought that I will never be able to go through that again without my husband coming with me to be in the room. I just can’t and that sounds crazy. You’re talking to someone who has been in an MRI machine with no trouble whatsoever. If I could be encased in that thing there was no reason for me to be ready to be committed over sitting in a dark room with people right outside and the bright light of day blazing outside a few yards away.

It felt like I was there forever. Eventually I had to crack my eyes open just a slit or I really was going to scream and fall out of the chair into a blubbering heap of Crazy.

There was no one there. The door was actually mostly open and the sounds I’d heard had been the staff walking back and forth. Once I saw that little bit I was able to try to calm down.

Do you know how long it took for someone to come and get me? Just five minutes. That’s all. All of that happened in five minutes.

I don’t know what my mental deal was but I’ve been bedridden since I got home. This is the first time I’ve been up since I got back this morning.

What. The. Hell?

Post to reply to comments on last post lol

It was easier to write a brief post about my insurance bill than to reply. I paid her for all of last month’s visits and I’ll wait until she bills for this month to pay for the rest. Since I’ve already seen her three times this month. my deductible is met and then some. *sigh*

Thanks for the sympathy comments. My checkbook is in pain lol!

AAAGH! Bills, Bills, Bills

So, I have new insurance this year and we have deductibles and stuff we’ve never had to deal with before. Please don’t get me wrong. I am SO grateful to even have insurance and I know we’re luckier than many. I just saw my bill for seeing my therapist now that I have to pay my part of the deductible, and I owe her over $400.00 !!!

It’s because she doesn’t send in her claims until the end of each month, so even though I brought up my new insurance a million times, she forgot to do the claims until the normal time and I got hit with a whopping amount of money. It’s extremely likely that I’ll need to cancel the remaining appointments for this money so I can catch up on what I owe her first.

Ugh…I just wanted to vent. Thank you

Update on spousal discord and thanks to everyone

I really appreciate all the support. You guys are constantly amazing. Seriously.

The good news is that my husband and I talked, really talked and things went well. There were misunderstandings and a lack of understanding how words sound and can be taken but we got all that worked out. And my therapist was right that the impulse to self-harm diminished after we talked.

My therapist says that this issue will come and go in our relationship but keeping communication going will help.

It wasn’t easy but when we’re not in sync neither of us functions very well.

I will say that I took my therapist’s advice to heart about trying to be intimate. I tried and we succeeded but I have to say that the whole production comes with a darkness for me now and that’s sad.

I may write about that another time. For now, peace to all of you.