Obsessing about the past


I’m now finding myself spending way more time thinking about the past. It doesn’t seem like it would be helpful but I can’t stop. I think finding that old house on Goggle Earth and seeing it with my eyes and seeing that it looks exactly as I remembered it, even being next to a bar, it’s thrown me or something. I’m kind of stuck in this weird limbo focusing on this house. My therapist and I talked about what happened and how I felt about it and how I would have felt back then and I started to dissociate. I had to really keep a grip on myself and I asked her to take over talking for a moment because I couldn’t talk. I got it together a bit and talked more about the abuse and the neglect. She was talking about how scared I must have been back then. I told her I have no memories of being scared. She said I must have cried and I didn’t remember ever crying . Then I remembered that when we lived in that house, I was really missing my biological father whom I hadn’t seen since I was five years old (no abuse with him he just wasn’t around) anyway, I was around 8 years old (that’s one of the “magic” ages for me that has some special significance that I don’t understand) when I said anything about him or asked where he was, my mother liked to tell me that he had probably died from drugs. I remembered that I used to sit in that dark house and cry because I thought he was dead. Is that a mean thing for a parent to say to a kid? No? Anyway at that point in therapy when I said that, I actually cried for a few seconds. Whoa…right? My therapist keeps telling me that’s a good thing. She tells me that I won’t die from crying, but 99% of the time it feels like I will die. She says that there’s never been a person who started crying and couldn’t stop, that you will always stop crying at some point, so I shouldn’t be afraid of it. I feel like it would overwhelm me and I can’t lose that kind of control because maybe I wouldn’t get it back. Anyway, there wasn’t really a point to this post I just wanted to write something.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Obsessing about the past

  1. castorgirl says:

    I’m so sorry to have suggested Google Earth and started this for you.

    Please go gently…
    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      No, no! Please don’t apologize! Despite where I’m at right now, you have no idea (or maybe you do actually) of how great it was to have my memories validated! I’m so very glad you suggested that. It was actually helpful and part of this process is dealing with memories and the feelings that come with them, so you really helped. Honest! This is just a side-effect of dealing with this stuff. I’d rather have this information than not have it. I’m more appreciative of it than upset about it. And for the record you did not start this, my abuser started this. You are great and supportive and a fountain of wisdom and I hope you never stop giving suggestions or help or any of the great things you do :)

  2. Rapid Cycling says:

    Interesting. I can relate in some ways. When I was young I did not get my feelings validated (or I was told they were different to what I was feeling OR I should be strong and not cry etc) therefore I learnt not to “feel” and I learnt to supress my feelings. Often in meetings when I hear other people share about their unpleasant past I can relate and feel their pain as I remember similar events but when I am alone I am unable to connect with any pain from the past. I simply have bad memories but no “feeling”. Only on two occasions since I have started my recovery this year have I been able to connect to my inner child and feel the pain I felt as a child. I found those experiences remarkable. I think it’s a very slow process and patience was never one of my virtues :). I cried too in one of my shares in a meeting. How many times had I remembered the same memory from my childhood and felt angry about it but when I spoke in a group about it I cried unexpectedly. I put it down to hormones that day LOL – whatever! Sorry though I don’t obsess about the past, don’t want to be there, prefer and try my best to take one day at a time and live for NOW :)

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I totally relate to the being told not to cry etc.
      I think that part of what I’ve found interesting in this process is discovering how much your past affects your present. Things that happened shape us and make our reactions to situations different than they would be if we had not experienced what happened to us. There are things that I do now that are second nature that I’ve never thought about, I just do them. But now I’m realizing that those things aren’t normal. Your normal, everyday person doesn’t do those things. So I’ve been changed by what happened and it shows right now in my personal life. if I don’t deal with the past, I can’t heal now in the present.
      Of course let me say that when I talk about being normal I don’t mean being a clone or a Stepford type person. I just mean being as healthy as I can be in my life. In other ways I have no desire to be normal. I like being weird and marching to my own beat, backwards in the parade :)

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