It took me a bit to come back and continue this subject because I honestly don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like if I’m going to say something it’d better be amazing or profound. Thank goodness that’s not the case so I figured I’d just sit down and write. Going back to my account about therapy this week, I also gave my therapist the poem I wrote recently that I had posted here: The Fires Of Eden. I felt like an idiot! I told her I wrote a poem and of course being the supportive therapist who is interested in whatever nonsense my brain comes up with, she wanted to hear it. There’s a certain rhythm to the poem that only comes out when I read it out loud and I told her that the title sounds pretentious but that’s the phrase I had in my head at the time. I read it out loud, which was interesting in a way because I felt absolutely nothing when I read it. It was like reading some random page in a book except that it was mine which means it was personal, so if she didn’t like it, it would have stung. Anyway, I read it and she was all “Oh my God! That was amazing!…etc.” Of course I’m like ‘ Uh huh, sure it was’ *eye roll* She said that it was amazing and that I have a gift and that the poem was very telling blah blah. And I sat there wishing she would stop complimenting it because I hate being humored. She asked me how I felt about the poem, about reading it, and I said I felt nothing. She seemed to find that interesting and she told me that at some point I should go back and read the poem again. She asked for a copy so I gave her the one I had printed out. She put it in my file! LOL! I laughed because it was like it was going im my permanent record So funny! She kept it because she wants to have it for us to refer to if needed which is fine.
Going back to what she said in therapy about getting wrapped up in needing facts. That’s a hard one for me. I mean, I’ve got one fact and I know that. One memory. And I’m 100% confident that the memory I have is true, therefore I can accept that the incident happened. Easy because it’s a fact, validated by clear images, feelings, memory and the fact that I told someone. I’ve been reading and re-reading The Courage To Heal and one of the books suggested in the back called Memory and Abuse -Remembering and Healing The Effects Of Trauma by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. His book can be a tough read depending on how you feel about breaking down the logistics of the brain, but actually he made it fairly easy to read and understand. He wants people to understand how memory works and the different types of memory that exist. He also explains how different kinds memories are processed and why, and then how the brain recalls the information when needed etc. Just from reading both books, I have to accept that I may never remember anything else, either because nothing else happened or because I just won’t. I’ll repeat here what I posted on roseroars’s blog, something I read which basically said that there are two types of people when dealing with sexual abuse: There are people who remember and they wish they could forget, and people who can’t remember and wish that they did. Then, when the people who wished to remember finally do remember, they become like the first group and wish they could forget. That’s terrible thing isn’t it? I admit though, that I wish I could know definitively, one way or the other if even one other thing happened. The way I am, that one little fact would change everything for me. My therapist says to be patient and of course I want to know now! I know that I’ve been thinking ‘Well let’s get this over with so I can be done with therapy.’ Silly me, things can’t be that easy.
My therapist believes two things when it comes to the whole “Did something else happen, did nothing more happen?’ question. She believes that, based on my particular fantasies and thoughts and the sexual behavior that goes with them (the M word), that the one incident that I remember and described wouldn’t be enough to explain all of that. She also believes that for my “Uncle”/ cousin to have made that kind of a bold move in a house full of people including his wife, that he would have been doing other things by then. Now see right there?! I write this one sentence and my body responds immediately in a disgusting way! What the hell!? I hate that! Ugh, moving on…she thinks that based on the things I’ve said about his wife, that she also knew what was going on. Also, there is supporting evidence that he molested at least one other girl many years before me as he was about 30 years older than me at the time. For some reason while we were talking, the subject of vaginismus came up. I was talking about when I had the first flashback of what he did and how it timed with when my husband and I were first married, as I hadn’t been with anyone before that. I was talking about that as time went on I had more sexual problems. The doctors thought is was endometriosis but they couldn’t find anything. I had some very small fibroids at the time but they shouldn’t have caused the extreme pain I had while trying to be intimate. My gynecologist, an absolutely wonderful lady, told me that it was vaginismus. Basically I was tensing up so much that sex eventually became not only really painful, but physically impossible, as in my body would literally not let sex happen. At the time she gave me some *cough cough* “tools” to work with when I was *cough cough*…alone to try to help me relax my muscles so they wouldn’t freak out. I told my therapist that I’d had no problems when I was using those things. She seemed to almost anticipate that I would say that. I told her that, after a long, long time I finally got better and then the hysterectomy fixed everything else up with the fibroids, so everything was fine now. At the time that she and I were talking I wasn’t really sure why I brought that whole vaginismus thing up. I told her that I had assumed that, at some point while being with my husband, something must have hurt and I must have tensed up, then I must have anticipated that it was going to hurt the next time, and because of that I tensed up again and it did hurt the next time, then it got worse and worse and worse because I kept tensing up, until sex was physically impossible. She disagreed, she thought that the fact that I was able to use the tools the gynecologist gave me and have no pain or problems with it was telling. She said that was a classic example of someone reacting to a fear of sex but when they’re alone and using things like that, the situation isn’t the same and so there’s no pain. Of course I take everything with a grain of salt or a cup depending on the circumstances, but she said that vaginismus doesn’t usually happen to the extent that it happened to me, just because it hurt a couple of times. She said that usually what happened to me is the body reacting to fear of sex based on some past experience. I was like ‘Duh, like I said, it must have hurt once with him and I tensed up from then on.’ She didn’t think so but she actually stopped right there and didn’t push me on it. She learns quickly, it makes me laugh. See, that little bit, the stuff that happened with me and my husband, I don’t accept her explanation. Is there research supporting her statement? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not right. I need proof. And unfortunately when I went to my first gynecologist at 18, he couldn’t get my knees apart to take a look and he gave up and just gave me my birth control. So that was therapy. And boy did I want to burn myself! Even while I was sitting there with her. If I try to think about anything else, any images that are in my mind, anything even hinting at something more than what I remember, I start dissociating right away, so there’s no help there.
Alright, I think I’m done for the moment, I need to do something else, heck it’s still early here, too early for deep stuff right?
I hope people are able to find some peace or hope or something beautiful today, even if it’s small.