I’ve got something in my throat *mouth talk and I’m sure it’s horrible. Sorry again*


I had this horrible feeling yesterday while I was out yesterday. I was just sitting with people and suddenly I felt like something was in my mouth. The immediate image was a giant eel. It was awful and I don’t know where it came from. I mean I was just sitting there minding my own business. It’s gotten worse and it feels like I want to throw up to get whatever it is out of throat. This shouldn’t be happening because I have no reason to feel this way. I thought I was going to freak yesterday because I had to sit there with regular people with this feeling in my throat. I wanted to jump up and run to the bathroom and throw up. To understand why throwing up is so significant to me, you have to understand that I have an actual phobia about throwing up, I’m terrified of it. I can name many things I’d rather have happen to me than to throw up but I can’t shake this feeling. It feels like something’s in my mouth and I don’t understand it. And it keeps feeling like it’s growing there, I don’t understand because there’s no reason for this. What’s wrong with me??? My mouth is all wrong and it won’t stop. I dissociated yesterday when the sensation hit and the image of the eel came and I kept dissociating when I came back because when I came back so did the image. It was very disconcerting because I don’t dissociate in front of people to the extent that I did yesterday. I dissociate to where I don’t know what people are saying and I have to pretend and hope I have the right response, but this was different. I felt like I was about to switch. I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m clenching my jaw again. I started that a few months ago and I did it so much I couldn’t chew food, I had stopped and now I’m doing it again.

We’re having get-together tomorrow and I’m going to be surrounded by kids, including 3 little girls. They make me uncomfortable and scared at times. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

I felt an alter the other day that I’m not very familiar with. I haven’t told my therapist about him (?) or her (I can’t tell yet) but I know them when they come because they press their lips together until they disappear. Like pulling the around the teeth inside the mouth so the lips are sealed tight. It’s like they don’t speak and they can’t open their mouth. The lips are clenched so tight it hurts.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I’ve got something in my throat *mouth talk and I’m sure it’s horrible. Sorry again*

  1. castorgirl says:

    I’m so sorry tai, I know this stuff is so confusing. I sometimes get the feeling as a body memory; and sometimes because there’s something that I’m so terrified of saying or thinking, that it seems to refer to my throat.

    All I can suggest is to try your grounding techniques when it happens… I know this can seem like throwing a thimble of water on an inferno, but sometimes it helps. Also, don’t be afraid to use prn anxiety medication – if you have any.

    There’s huge imagery around the alter’s mouth being so tightly shut… if it feels safe talk to your therapist about it. If the lips are shut because there is a fear of talking/telling secrets, it might be more comfortable writing the information down and handing it to your therapist. Sometimes I find that the ones who are elective mutes, find it easier to draw what is happening…

    How did the get-together go??

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG

      The get-together was ok actually. There were 4 kids over here, 3 of them girls but they entertained themselves mostly so I didn’t have to interact with them too much. I felt anxious and ill but I pretended through it all. I want you to know how much I appreciate you commenting on this post. IT’s hard for me because I have all of this stuff to say and I’d like feedback but I also know that some people won’t be able to read what I write because it’s too much. I end up feeling guilty about what I write, but then I have to write it anyway for myself. I always worry and obsess over people reading the bad stuff so thank you.

      The mouth thing is freaking me out because I’m scared that it represents something that I can’t handle. I honestly don’t know what to think but I want to be honest with myself and I want all of my parts to feel that they can be honest too. I have therapy tomorrow so I’ll talk about it then.

      Thank you again :)

      • castorgirl says:

        One moment at a time…

        Sometimes I get triggered by the most banal things it’s incredible, sometimes the graphic stuff doesn’t bother me. It’s always up to us readers what we do or don’t read. You’re really good at putting in trigger warnings, but if there’s really graphic stuff that you need to write about, and you don’t want to write it here, what about a journal? I can’t remember whether you keep a private journal or not…

        You’ll find your way, don’t worry too much about it.

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        I do keep a personal journal, I had one before I started blogging bt, I’m always afraid that someone will find it and find out how gross I am. Sometimes I do put stuff in there though. I understand about the triggering stuff too. Like you, sometimes stuff that I think should bother doesn’t and things that surprise me, trigger me.

      • castorgirl says:

        I can understand the reticence about putting stuff in a paper journal. I didn’t keep a journal while I was married for that same reason.

        It’s easy for me to say that you’re not gross. I really believe that you aren’t… I’m not saying that to be nice. But, I know it’s difficult to believe when you see all the stuff that goes through our heads. All I can say is that we all experience it to some degree… It’s not about a competition to see who has the worst images, but rather that we all get them.

        I was thinking about your needing to surround yourself with toys when you were young… I wonder if they also acted like a force field, repelling the scary stuff. Anyway, that’s my random thought for the day :)

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        Random thoughts are always welcomed :)

        Yea I wonder about the toys too. I wonder why I never thought about why I did that until now. I was so neurotic about it too. I definitely remember that they were like a shield for me and also thinking that if someone tried to get to me, A) they would have a hard time getting through the stuffed animals haha and B) that I would feel an animal tip over on me and it would alert me. Stupid huh?

      • castorgirl says:

        Nope, totally logical when your a child who has been hurt and needs to find safety anyway they can.

        I was/am obsessed with having the sheets covering my neck – that way no one could chop my head off. Cos you know, sheets have magic properties which mean that sharp implements bounce off them :)

      • tai0316 says:

        Ha! yes all of those magic shields and protections lol

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