My psychiatrist decided to try taking me off of Seroquel which is terrifying, because I have been on it for so many years. I take it for sleep and also to prevent hallucinations. It works great but apparently it’s not doing what he’d like it to when it comes to the mania. So, he gave me Saphris which I have never heard of. It’s supposed to help with the mania and it makes you sleepy so it’s supposed to help me sleep.
I took it last night and I always freak with new meds because I don’t know how it will feel when they kick in. For some reason, taking a new med at night makes me really scared. I wait for the feeling of sleepiness to come over me and I become really frightened.
I got sleepy, but it wasn’t at all like the Seroquel. For a while I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep and I started to panic. It’s no good if you can’t sleep but you’re too drugged to get up and do something else, it’s like a kind of hellish limbo for me.
Eventually, I did go to sleep although I can’t tell how well I really slept. He told me that I shouldn’t feel any kind of hangover effect today and he was so wrong! It’s 10:00 and I’m still not together.
I think a feature for many bipolar people, at least the ones who get kind of creative when they’re manic, is a fear that if you take meds, you’ll lose your creativity. I thought I was different than that but I’ve discovered that I’m not. So, I’m not as cool as I thought I was. I am afraid. I’m afraid that the only reason I’ve been able to write stories is because I’ve been manic. I’m afraid that the only reason I’m picking up the viola so quickly is because I’ve been manic. It makes me feel like it’s not me that can do these things, it’s just a part of my brain that got switched on. *Sigh*
The other thing is that the eating thing has not been solved. In fact, I found myself looking at Thinspiration pictures on pro-ana websites yesterday and wishing I could accomplish that look.
I know, I know, it’s not good and I’m really confused about why my mind has taken this sudden turn. I’m actually kind of worried because it’s not like me to go this route. My doctor actually explained yesterday that, when a person starves themselves, they can experience a high from what they’re body is going through. He said it made sense that I would enjoy the sensation that came from not eating. I’m not sure what to do.
At this point, I’m not starving myself, but I’m barely eating one meal a day and by meal, I mean a a few bites of something. Part of me really wants to pursue not eating again, and the reasonable part of me knows that’s a dangerous line of thought. I’m at a loss on this one.