Oh my God, this is getting old!
My stomach has been clenched all day because my body is holding so much sadness. I’ve stayed teary-eyed and I can’t cry. My throat hurts because the tears are there but they can’t come out. It feels like it’s harder to breathe, my chest is tight. The Wellbutrin is doing nothing, so it’s a mixture of bipolar crap and all this therapy stuff together.
This is intolerable and yet while I say that, part of me feels like I deserve to suffer. Why should things be any better than they are now? It feels like I was meant to live this life and to feel this way. So why fight it? Just sink and let it overwhelm me. Why not? There are happy people out there and I don’t belong with them. Maybe the reason my medication isn’t working is because I don’t deserve for it to work. I can continue doing what needs to be done. I went out with my friend because she was grieving. I’ll see someone else soon because they need help and when it’s done, I’ll go home and my mind will torment me. I’m not doing these things because I’m good, I’m doing it because they need to be done. That just shows how pathetic I am. I do things because they need to be done and not out of any goodness in me. What does that say about me? It says that I’m empty and lacking.
There is so much pain, I feel like I could die from it. How can life hurt this much? A person shouldn’t be able to feel this much pain and yet I’m still here.
I miss my grandmother more now than I have in a long time. She’s just gone and there’s nothing. And I’m holding pain in every nerve in my body and I can’t release it. I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs for an hour and there would still be pain. What’s the point? I’m existing as a tool. I have a use: people need me to talk to or to hang out with when they’re lonely. I show up and I make people laugh. Job complete. The tool can go back in the box until needed again.
Then there’s just endless, ridiculous pain. It just doesn’t stop!