Oh my God, this is getting old!
My stomach has been clenched all day because my body is holding so much sadness. I’ve stayed teary-eyed and I can’t cry. My throat hurts because the tears are there but they can’t come out. It feels like it’s harder to breathe, my chest is tight. The Wellbutrin is doing nothing, so it’s a mixture of bipolar crap and all this therapy stuff together.
This is intolerable and yet while I say that, part of me feels like I deserve to suffer. Why should things be any better than they are now? It feels like I was meant to live this life and to feel this way. So why fight it? Just sink and let it overwhelm me. Why not? There are happy people out there and I don’t belong with them. Maybe the reason my medication isn’t working is because I don’t deserve for it to work. I can continue doing what needs to be done. I went out with my friend because she was grieving. I’ll see someone else soon because they need help and when it’s done, I’ll go home and my mind will torment me. I’m not doing these things because I’m good, I’m doing it because they need to be done. That just shows how pathetic I am. I do things because they need to be done and not out of any goodness in me. What does that say about me? It says that I’m empty and lacking.
There is so much pain, I feel like I could die from it. How can life hurt this much? A person shouldn’t be able to feel this much pain and yet I’m still here.
I miss my grandmother more now than I have in a long time. She’s just gone and there’s nothing. And I’m holding pain in every nerve in my body and I can’t release it. I feel like I could scream at the top of my lungs for an hour and there would still be pain. What’s the point? I’m existing as a tool. I have a use: people need me to talk to or to hang out with when they’re lonely. I show up and I make people laugh. Job complete. The tool can go back in the box until needed again.
Then there’s just endless, ridiculous pain. It just doesn’t stop!
Hugs if they help. I`m sorry you are in so much pain now and in the past. You don`t deserve it. No one does but I can relate to the feeling that it is more than you can bear. I hope the intensity decreases soon. I find it is like a wave that builds until I think I can`t stand it and then slowly it recedes and I realize I can breathe a little freer until the next wave. I`m going to sit here with you for a little while and wait for it to recede, okay.
di
Hi di,
I hope it calms down too. You said the same thing my therapist says about emotions coming and going. She says that no one has ever died from an emotion even if it feels like you might. Thank you for sitting with me.
Sitting with you, knowing that you hurt. I’m so sorry, tai.
Surgery. even mental and emotional surgery, hurt relentlessly until the worst toxins of the experience pass.
~meredith~
Thanks meredith.
Surgery huh? It feels like no one has numbed the area. I wonder how much toxin there is?
hi, im alice, i havent commented before but i have been following your blog for a while, i have to say you really dont deserve to feel this way. i hope by this time youre feeling better and freer, take care of yourself, you deserve to.
Alice x
Hi Alice,
Welcome and thank you for thinking of me. Come back anytime.
Oh, Tai, of course you don’t deserve to feel this way. You, of all people, deserve to be happy. You are such a gentle and caring person. (Here I go again, now bear with me.) If you were to read what you wrote to Meredith yesterday, and not know that it was you who wrote it, you would say to yourself “now that is a gentle, kind and caring person”.
I am sorry you are in so much pain and I am sorry they forgot to administer the anesthesia before the surgery. Like the dark ages. Honestly, I think therapy is still in the dark ages some times. But given that, you still have a great therapist and I think she is helping you. I wish you could cry it out. You have my permission, and my support. I will hold you – if you want to be held- and let you drench my shoulder with saltwater. Have you seen children fall on their face and hurt themselves? I notice that much of the time, they will look around, find their mother, get themselves over to her, and once safely in her arms, only then will they start crying/screaming. I think you need to know you are safe and you will be able to cry. Obviously, it won’t be with your real mother. Who do you feel safe with?
Well, I might be barking up the wrong tree. (About what you need to cry.) Did you know that I heard an interview with a transgender -man he was then? He loved it except he said he missed crying the way he could when he was a woman. That testosterone took away his tears. But now I am in the wrong forest, probably, never mind the wrong tree.
Keep writing Tai. You are working through some horrid nightmares that were true. It takes time…
Hi Freasha,
I agree, I have a really good therapist and I’m grateful for it. It’s a shame that crying is such a release because I just can’t do it and everything’s just getting stuffed down in my chest. My mother would make me stop crying when I was younger. It was a sign of weakness and it made her angry. When I was maybe 8 years old or younger, I was crying once because I was sick and I was going to throw up, which has always frightened me. I was calling for my mother and she came in and hit me and told me to go to bed. So, crying was never ok.
I don’t cry under most circumstances and I don’t let people see me cry, so I don’t really feel safe with anyone in that way. Thinking about the man you mentioned, it made me think of how hard it must be if you’re a guy and society says it’s not ok to cry.
Thank goodness for writing or I’d probably explode. Thank you for being so kind Freasha.
*hug*
Thanks for the hug. I will take one from you any time.
Yes, my father got meaner when we started to cry. My poor brother, being a boy, and a tender one, was called a sissy. My father thought my brother needed to learn to fist fight and would give him lessons in the living room, and my brother inevitably ended up crying, and my father called him a sissy every time. All that said, it wasn’t nearly as bad as what your mother did. At least my father had some sympathy and patience when we got sick.
I am so sorry that you are so blocked as a result of this training that your mother gave you. It needs to be undone, and I know that is exactly what you are working on, and you are heading there, slow but sure.
Crying is OK. It is a necessary part of being human.
I feel sorry for your brother. That is so hard! Guys get so many stupid messages from society, it’s just sad.
I’m sure I’ll talk about the crying thing at therapy, so yippie!
Here is a link to a video I use to feel a little better when super stressed out…
http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/radical_acceptance2.html
I have been so stressed out that I got sick…I have an upper respiratory infection now. Hope you’ll feel better.
Thanks Lilly,
That was a lovely thing to send. I hope you’re able to relax and take care of yourself. Being sick really saps your strength so be good to you.
Sending you lots of (((warm safe hugs))) and mushies, if they are wanted…
Remember that you only have to take this thing called life one moment at a time… try to slow everything down and sit with it…
Take care,
CG
*Accepts mushies gladly*
Thanks CG. I’m still wading through it and sometimes being swallowed by it but I’m also thinking of you and knowing that you’re being thrown curveballs and reminders and I’m sorry. I saw your FB post and I’m thinking to maybe ignore any incoming text messages until that crap is over. I really understand about that. I was driving yesterday and a truck that delivers that particular brand that has the special name my uncle called me was in front of me for part of my drive and I was like “Really!? Oh c’mon!”
I get it.
It really doesnt stop. Sometimes im so used to it that i blame myself for it and i feel the need to comprare myself with other people doing much better. Im exhausted at this point. I dont want to get out of my room.s
Hi Toro,
It can be tempting to compare oneself with others but everyone has their own pain and it’s ok to honor that and not minimize your own suffering.