I decided to talk about stuff I don’t want to talk about.
I had a conversation with my therapist last week about a subject that was humiliating and absolutely wretched to bring up. After we discussed it a bit she something about how sexual abuse wasn’t really talked about in books etc. until the 1980′s and that there is still a lot of things that people don’t talk about, things that are embarrassing. She said, “Who’s going to write about it?” and I immediately said, “I would!” Huh, really? I will? I guess that means I have to?
I don’t know if I will write about several subjects at different times or if I will chicken out, but I figured I’d start with what I talked to her about. This is COMPLETELY humiliating but I wonder if maybe I’m not the only person who does this or something similar.
First I want to talk about stereotypes. In my reading I’ve seen two extremes written about when it comes to the reaction female victims of child sex abuse (I say female because I’m not as familiar with male reactions, but I’m betting their similar). The first extreme is that all victims are “frigid” and scream in horror if a man even looks at them. The other extreme is that the only other way to react is to become extremely promiscuous because the belief is that all their value is tied up with sex.
I’m not saying these reactions don’t happen, but what I’m wondering about is all the other things in-between those reactions. I don’t think all the possibilities are so easily put into neat boxes with labels. Do you?
For example, I’ve experienced feeling highly sexual at some times and completely abhorred by the idea at others. Things change with me sometimes so I don’t fit into a neat, little box and I don’t think everyone else does either.
What about a person who perhaps hates sex, but fantasizes about it all the time? What about people who can’t stand to be touched sexually but they masturbate? I think that there are aspects of sexual abuse that are severely uncomfortable to talk about so I’m going to put myself out there and say really humiliating things. I will be using actual words for body parts because…well I honestly don’t know what else to call them.
I wonder if I need a trigger warning, but I also don’t want to because I think it’s ok to talk about this. I’m not going to talk about sexual abuse, but I guess proceed at your own risk???
Since I’ve been in therapy talking about sexual abuse I’ve become aware of certain behaviors; things I’ve been doing for a long time but I wasn’t really aware of until recently. Humiliating Subject One: obsessing about male genitalia and subsequent bodily fluids.
I’ve realized that with pretty much every guy I meet ( their age has to be right), I obsess about their penises. Seriously. I obsess about their physical reaction to me and what that would look like from start to uh… finish…ok so I wussed out about using grown-up words, give me a break. This is really difficult.
To clarify something, because I had to clarify it with my therapist too so she’d know what I was talking about, I’m not talking about the awareness women have of men and sex or the normal desire to be considered sexually attractive. This goes way beyond that and when I explained it to my therapist using big people words *eye roll* she understood what I meant.
I didn’t really see it until I was at someone’s house during a recent weekend and I was introduced to a lot of guys I’d never met before. I was shocked and horrified to see my mind promptly begin to imagine each of their sexual organs responding to me and what that would physically look like all the way to orgasm (Agh! I used a real word there).
It was then that I realized I do that all the time, whether it’s strangers at the store or guys I’ve been friends with for years. It doesn’t matter who it is as long as their male and (in my case) not too old.
As I wrote that I thought of another aspect that I didn’t tell my therapist, and that is the reaction to these imaginings being me having to forcefully stop myself from behaving provocatively. I’m not saying that I want to go jump in their laps but it’s more like realizing that perhaps I’m leaning forward suggestively to show my cleavage or my legs or my ass. I’ll be doing it and then abruptly realize what I’m doing and stop it. The thing is that my actions are not in relation to anything the guys are doing but what I imagine could be happening with their bodies.
Ok…so was that the most horrible thing you’ve ever heard or not so much?