My therapist and I discussed my recent trip and the subsequent fallout from my self-hatred and utter disgust with my appearance and weight. During the discussion she, for a second time since I’ve been in therapy, told me that I have an eating disorder. I scoffed and told her, as I have before, that a fat person cannot have an eating disorder. She proceeded to give me one of what I consider her famous looks, this one being the look that says “Oh, please!”
I mentioned something about the DSM guidelines for eating disorders and she waved that off and gave me her idea of what makes an eating disorder.
Obsession about food and weight. She says that normal people don’t count calories everyday the way that I do.
Distorted view of the body. She says that what I see in the mirror isn’t what other people see. I smirk at that and tell her that I see the truth and mirrors don’t lie.
Willingness to do dangerous things to control weight. I laugh in the face of danger.
There were probably other things but I forgot. My point in posting this is that I see a lot of the people I communicate with, whether it be here or on Twitter, who have issues with food and eating. It seems to me that a history of abuse lends itself to a future with eating problems. That makes me sad and I guess I feel that mental health professionals prevent people from getting help by limiting what they consider to be the symptoms of an eating disorder.
A person shouldn’t have to look like a skeleton to get help.
Of course I’m being a total hypocrite right now as I’m currently doing a fat flush and keeping my calories at under 1200 everyday. But even that feels like failure. In my mind any number that’s over 1000 is too much food for that day. I’ve put thinspiration pictures on my cell phone, tablet, laptop and PC so that I can see them anytime I need reminding of how disgusting I am.
During my last session my therapist was trying to be helpful by having me look up what my healthy weight for my height is. It backfired as the goal weight I had in mind is at least 10lbs higher than the healthy weight.
I felt awful. I have so much more work to do than I thought.
The other backfire had to do with the fact that my change in insurance means that I can’t afford weekly therapy so I had to go to twice a month. My therapist said that she wondered how I’d manage not seeing her for 2 weeks and my thought was, “How much damage can I do by then?” Challenge accepted! I’m so weird sometimes.
So BMI doesn’t matter, you don’t have to be bones to need help either. Maybe this will help, maybe it won’t. My therapist says if people eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full then they lose weight. It sounds so simple doesn’t it?
I know it’s not that simple. Eating disorders are about so much more than just weight. There’s an element of self-punishment to it. There’s an element of self-hatred to it. There can be the idea that it was our appearance that drew abusers to us and therefore if we make ourselves look “bad” then no one will hurt us again. It’s complicated.
I know that for me it can be about weight and being fat sometimes, but it can also be another form of self-injury at other times.
I absolutely hate myself and I keep thinking that if I can get skinny again then I’ll feel better. That and my hair needs to grow longer.
I only need to lose 20 more pounds and grow another 12 inches of hair and everything will be awesome…right? Right…