My therapist and I discussed my recent trip and the subsequent fallout from my self-hatred and utter disgust with my appearance and weight. During the discussion she, for a second time since I’ve been in therapy, told me that I have an eating disorder. I scoffed and told her, as I have before, that a fat person cannot have an eating disorder. She proceeded to give me one of what I consider her famous looks, this one being the look that says “Oh, please!”
I mentioned something about the DSM guidelines for eating disorders and she waved that off and gave me her idea of what makes an eating disorder.
Obsession about food and weight. She says that normal people don’t count calories everyday the way that I do.
Distorted view of the body. She says that what I see in the mirror isn’t what other people see. I smirk at that and tell her that I see the truth and mirrors don’t lie.
Willingness to do dangerous things to control weight. I laugh in the face of danger.
There were probably other things but I forgot. My point in posting this is that I see a lot of the people I communicate with, whether it be here or on Twitter, who have issues with food and eating. It seems to me that a history of abuse lends itself to a future with eating problems. That makes me sad and I guess I feel that mental health professionals prevent people from getting help by limiting what they consider to be the symptoms of an eating disorder.
A person shouldn’t have to look like a skeleton to get help.
Of course I’m being a total hypocrite right now as I’m currently doing a fat flush and keeping my calories at under 1200 everyday. But even that feels like failure. In my mind any number that’s over 1000 is too much food for that day. I’ve put thinspiration pictures on my cell phone, tablet, laptop and PC so that I can see them anytime I need reminding of how disgusting I am.
During my last session my therapist was trying to be helpful by having me look up what my healthy weight for my height is. It backfired as the goal weight I had in mind is at least 10lbs higher than the healthy weight.
I felt awful. I have so much more work to do than I thought.
The other backfire had to do with the fact that my change in insurance means that I can’t afford weekly therapy so I had to go to twice a month. My therapist said that she wondered how I’d manage not seeing her for 2 weeks and my thought was, “How much damage can I do by then?” Challenge accepted! I’m so weird sometimes.
So BMI doesn’t matter, you don’t have to be bones to need help either. Maybe this will help, maybe it won’t. My therapist says if people eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full then they lose weight. It sounds so simple doesn’t it?
I know it’s not that simple. Eating disorders are about so much more than just weight. There’s an element of self-punishment to it. There’s an element of self-hatred to it. There can be the idea that it was our appearance that drew abusers to us and therefore if we make ourselves look “bad” then no one will hurt us again. It’s complicated.
I know that for me it can be about weight and being fat sometimes, but it can also be another form of self-injury at other times.
I absolutely hate myself and I keep thinking that if I can get skinny again then I’ll feel better. That and my hair needs to grow longer.
I only need to lose 20 more pounds and grow another 12 inches of hair and everything will be awesome…right? Right…
I’m with ya with this one x
Hey Bourbon! I’m glad my post made sense.
I’m fairly sure I have binge eating disorder, though that doesn’t officially exist in the DSM. It’s not an excuse for being greedy, as many people seem to think; it’s genuine compulsion
Anyway, now that I’ve seen your picture, I can safely say that you are not fat; you look great. But I know no amount of me saying that will change your mind, though I wish it could. I wish you could see the beauty I do.
In any case I totally agree about eating issues – whether restricting or otherwise – can be about self-punishment and hate. In my case, even though I hate being fat, I think I also keep myself that way because (1) I deserve it and (2) it protects me.
Why are we, the victims in all of this, the ones left to deal with all these horrible consequences?
(((((big, gentle hugs))))) Sending warm wishes and love
K <3 xxxxx
Why indeed Karen.
You made my point when you mentioned having a disorder that doesn’t exist as far as the DSM goes. It *does* exist whether they acknowledge it or not.
I’m sorry that you feel you deserve that.
You don’t. Your abuser deserves all the pain and suffering.
Big hugs right back to you dear.
A very good friend of mine (who also has a history of child abuse) is in an eating disorders intensive day program (every weekday from 9-2:30). I recently went with her to the family/friends/support group they have once a week, and she and I got to talking about the definition of ‘eating disorder’. She is a binge eater and her DSM classification is EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). Sometimes I think the DSM does more harm than good to patients who don’t precisely fit a DSM diagnosis. Remember – the DSM is mostly for health insurance/diagnostic purposes to that insurance companies have a way to code the information. Anyway, back to what I learned from speaking with my friend about EDs. The question came up: what is the difference between binging and overeating? Her answer pretty much defined what an eating disorder *really* is, independent of DSM criteria. She pointed out the ‘loss of control’ someone has with respect to food, the use of food to ‘hide’ from other symptoms (for her, memories of child abuse) and the unhealthy relationship between the person and food. To me, those factors make more sense as the characteristics of an ED than whatever the DSM might say.
Hi andromache,
I completely agree with you. The DSM serves a purpose but it also prevents help as well.
I’m glad your friend is in treatment and it’s really wonderful that you support her. It’s rare to find a friend who will do what you’ve done.
Hi CI,
How eating disorders manifest, are as individual as the people who experience them. The DSM reflects a very traditional, and outdated way of looking at them. Because it mentions things like BMI, it conjures up a stereotype that can mean those who don’t meet that stereotype are overlooked. Most of the people I know with an eating disorder, meet the criteria for EDNOS… often their eating disorder is overlooked, or ignored. If they can maintain a BMI that is considered “healthy” or “overweight”, then the danger increases, as people don’t think they have a problem. If they have a BMI that is “overweight” or “obese”, then they are treated with disdain, or prejudice because of being “fat”.
Eating disorders are so difficult, because you have to eat… people use food as a celebration, way to connect with friends… all sorts of socially accepted, and pressurised ways…
I smiled when I read that your therapist said “if people eat when they’re hungry and stop when they’re full then they lose weight”… I’m so disconnected from my body, that I never feel hungry, or full. So, as you say… it’s not as simple as that…
Please take care,
CG
Yea, my therapist’s comment was ridiculous to me. Oversimplification at it’s best!
I didn’t know that the disconnection had affected your feelings of hunger and fullness. That must make things much more difficult.
Eating disorders are very individual, you’re right. I understand needing standards and spectrums but they really need to widen their definitions. Also, giving therapists and psychiatrists more power to help their clients if they feel the client has an ED (whether the DSM agrees or not) would be good too.
These are great facts about eating disorders. Those people who are dealing with such will surely find these pieces of information helpful. Thanks for sharing.