I am facing a decision and my brain got hit with a sledgehammer. It may sound dramatic but that’s how this feels.
My mother contacted me asking to be forgiven for things she says she can’t remember. My crisis and stress however have nothing to do with her. It’s ALL about my uncle. I am TERRIFIED. Let me lay out what I’m thinking.
It occurred to me not too long ago that my mother may be able to answer my ultimate question. The question that hangs over my head like a guillotine is: did I ever go to his house? It is THE question because everything else hangs on that being answered. In my mind any scenarios of abuse would have to had happened at his house and if I never went there then…for me I don’t see how abuse could have taken place.
Where does my mother come in? She may know if I went there. And she may not. Here are three scenarios that could happen if I open up communication with her:
1) She knows for sure and the answer is “Yes”.
2) She knows for sure and the answer is “No”
3)She doesn’t know but she guesses (in her head) and says “No” (or I guess she could say “Yes” now that I think about it)
Some of these scenarios have the power to destroy me.
I have tried to be open to all possibilities when it comes to my uncle but I have a deep terror that maybe nothing other than the underwear kiss happened and that all my behaviors, feelings and flashes are based on me being completely insane. If my mother knows for certain whether I was around him at other times than at my grandmother’s house that one time and she says that I was not…I am insane and deeply disturbed.
The conundrum is that she may not know at all or she may think she does but she may be wrong. My mother was not around all the time when I was little. She was there sometimes and sometimes she was gone. We lived apart at various times until I was around 6 years old. So…she may not be aware of what actually happened. I could ask the question and anything could be said. But I am TERRIFIED of hearing the answer.
I have told myself that I am ready to accept any answer that is truth but I don’t know if I could survive the answer being “no”. What if she said “no” but she was wrong? That could destroy me. If she said “no” and she knows for sure? I may die.
I haven’t even decided what to do about her request but I am lured by the possibility of answers AND she has the picture of my uncle that I’ve been wanting for a very, very long time. I could get a copy of that picture…
When I read her message I was in the car with my husband going somewhere important and I was blindsided with such sudden, absolute TERROR of the possibility of “No” that I burst into tears and got an immediate migraine. My husband had to turn around and take me home.
I have to decide what to do. It may kill me.