It seems that I’ve been hit in the face enough in the last month or so with flashbacks and feeling memories that I can no longer doubt that something happened to me.
It’s a relief actually. When I look back at how much I doubted myself and what kind of excuses I made as to why the images and feelings I have couldn’t possibly be real…I can’t believe that I ever thought those were logical lines of reasoning! I’m not a drama queen. I’m not a liar. I don’t cry over nothing and I can’t ignore the flashes I’ve seen or how they made me feel. And I’m glad that I can’t ignore it anymore.
I’ve shifted from constant, draining to self-doubt to acknowledging that something happened to me, I just don’t have all the details right now.
I also stopped focusing on getting answers from outside of myself. There is way too much stuff simmering in my subconscious for me to doubt that all the answers I need are inside of me. I don’t need to have a complete, sequential record of every single second of what happened. I just need to know enough to know what I’m dealing with.
Now I’m in a phase of frustration that goes from mild to severe. There are images and feelings just out of my conscious grasp and I just can’t reach them. I’m trying to relax and be patient with myself but it can be very, very hard.
Still, I’m glad to be done with beating myself up with lies about who I am inside.