It’s So Quiet!


My inner world is silent. I feel like I’ve been cut-off and I’m super pissed! Of course it’s strange that no matter how many parts I’m mad at, that actually means that I’m mad at myself. It doesn’t change anything and it doesn’t change that it feels like it’s not me. It feels like everyone made a ruckus, showing me things that told me something bad happened to me and now…nothing. Silence. And it’s really unfair. You can’t just open the box and let all the crap be seen, then shut the box and expect me to forget. I’m so angry at these parts for pulling crap like this!

My therapist says that this too is part of the “process”. She said being angry at myself will only make things worse. But it’s not like I can hide my feelings from myself right?She says sometimes there’s a break and that I need to trust the process. Well the Process can kiss my ass. I feel like it should be my decision what I am and am not ready to know. Who the hell are they to decide for me!? I have no control over this and I hate that! I have no control over anything in my life and I’m sick of that too. I’m sick of sitting here, fat, tired, cold, in pain and knowing nothing about my own life.

 

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Alters, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to It’s So Quiet!

  1. kat says:

    its really hard to be in that position, of feeling you have no control. for me, when i feel that way, it reminds me of when i was a child and had no choice of how i was treated. so then i feel now like i did then and that is what the others were created for–to deal with what you couldn’t control, or handle. so maybe they and you are being triggered by your not feeling in control? and so they are trying to keep you from seeing things because they want to protect you so that you dont feel so out of control—except by doing that, it might actually make you feel less in control. strange paradox. so maybe what your therapist said might help–just letting it be, letting it sit, and not forcing it it right now. then maybe communication will open up again.

    i know how hard waiting is, and how bad it feels to be out of control. i send you strength and calming thoughts.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi kat,

      Your reasoning is definitely possible. I just wish I knew for sure so that I could relax. Being patient is not one of my strengths. :) Thank you for the strength and calm thoughts I appreciate them and send the same back to you.

  2. notkaty says:

    Being out of control recreates that feeling of helplessness you probably felt as a child. There’s nothing worse then losing control and feeling like no one can help you. They all think they can, but they don’t understand how much they really can’t. At least that’s how I feel. You and I have a lot in common. I also suffer from Bipolar and “stuff”. Hoping to connect, check out my blog! :)

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