And The Road Leads To Confusion & Hurt


To follow up my last post about making contact with my bio-dad, let me be a little more clear about what led up to this and then I’ll tell you what happened.

Basically I found out that my father’s wife had sent me a message via social media two years ago but it was filtered. No this was WAY before my mother passed away.

I decided that I would have likely responded sort of politely back then and that it could have appeared that I was being rude because I hadn’t replied.

I sent a message back explaining what happened and was showered with salutations and words of affection from his wife. Things like ‘we miss you’, ‘we’re so worried about you!’, ‘your father is so happy I talked to you!’ ‘Sorry about your mother, I’m here for you and so is your father.’…

I was given numbers to call and when I asked, I was given his schedule for the week including his days off: Thursday-Sunday, and the best time to call on Thursday. I replied that I would call Thursday.

That was where I left all of you Wednesday night; me a nervous wreck, almost ill from anxiety.

It had been days since the initial contact and in my mind I wandered why, if my father was so concerned, so happy that I made contact, then why had he been silent after I got in touch? All messages came from his wife, conveying his supposed thoughts and feelings. He could have easily sent a message as well, to communicate with me himself. He didn’t. Why?

Thursday morning I was so nervous I couldn’t stand it but I waited until it would be 9:45 a.m. his time before I called to give him time to be up and eat. I called his cell phone to have a better chance of getting him instead of his wife (when I was younger she’d make me talk to her for a long, long time before finally letting me talk to my dad). The phone rang and…no answer. I heard his voice telling me to leave a message, which I did. I hadn’t heard his voice in at least ten years. I left my number and told him if he didn’t have free long distance he could call and I would call right back because I do have free long distance.

I sat by the phone and waited nervously for my dad to call back, playing possible conversations back and forth in my head. An hour went by…three…five…ten. No call. I sent his wife a message via the same social media saying that I had called, left a message, not heard back and that when he wanted to talk to me, he could call me.

It’s Friday night and almost 10:00 p.m. where my father is. He hasn’t called nor have I heard back from his wife.

Perhaps something bad happened and that’s why he hasn’t called. Yes, part of me is still hoping for a good reason even though I swore never to hope in this man again.

I can’t help but think that if it had been me and my child whom I hadn’t spoken to in over ten years, and who had lost her mother, was calling me for the first time, I would be by that phone all day waiting, and if by some chance I missed her call, I would be checking my messages and calling her back immediately.

But that’s just me I guess. I’m sitting here thinking that he’ll call tomorrow and give me a really good, really legitimate reason for not calling me back and we’ll move on to seeing if we can even have some sort of relationship. If he calls, I plan on asking him why he’s waited and why he wasn’t around when his own wife said he would be. It needs to be good. Really good. I’ve waited on this man too much in my life already.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 4 Comments

Dangerous Road Ahead


I shouldn’t write when my sleep meds are about to kick in so this will be short.

I’m going to talk to my biological father tomorrow. I haven’t spoken to him in probably ten years? He didn’t reach out when my mom died so I’m expecting more disappointment.

I’m so nervous I can hardly breathe sometimes.

I’ll update afterwards.

Posted in Family Relationships | 4 Comments

Therapist Distress


I should have guessed that there would be inevitable issues when you have to suddenly change therapist while you’re neck-deep in issues of an immediate nature. However the issues that I’m having with my new therapist are stressing me out really badly.

Two sessions ago I divulged that I have imaginary friends, friends that I’ve had since I was little that I keep because they basically serve as my family. These friends are different from my DID alters but there is an alter ego that interacts with them that I didn’t consider part of my DID system at the talked about it.

After I left that session I was bombarded with feelings of fear and warnings that a system of safety that has been in place for decades was in danger. The biggest surprise to me was that I’d had no idea that my alter ego and imaginary friends were part of my DID until that moment of communication from my internal system. I was very confused. On top of that, the next day or so I lost time briefly which hasn’t happened in a while. It wasn’t anything big or bad, it just got my attention.

That week I had another appointment set with my therapist (I’d been doubling up for a few weeks because I hadn’t been able to see her for a month). We were continuing the conversation about my imaginary friends but I was cautious now because of my internal warnings. Here’s where things got bad with my therapist.

While talking a little about my DID alters she said that they need to know that at some point they’re going to have to go away (the term is integrate). My internal reaction was quite strong which I told her; we, including myself have no interest in them going away. My parts have been there since I was very small and I’m comfortable with them; what I want is the same thing I’ve always strived for with DID: co-consciousness. That seemed to throw my therapist a bit though and she asked me why I was in therapy, what made me come to therapy in the first place? This was not good either as I felt that she was basically saying ‘What are you doing here then? What’s the point?’ I did not like that. I told her what led me to therapy originally: being diagnosed bipolar and trying to learn how to live with that. Then my mom stuff came up and later the sexual abuse from my uncle. I think those are good reasons to be in therapy don’t you? The DID was discovered later after I’d already been in therapy for a long time, it wasn’t the reason I came.

This is all difficult because my original therapist and I had 14 years of relationship building. Even when we had a problem with communication or a misunderstanding, we could always work it out in one visit and get back to normal. She was very gentle and nurturing. My new therapist is very direct, which in some cases has actually been good as she can get to the point of what’s up immediately but…my internal system is all out of whack with feelings of anger, resentment and rejection. The general feeling inside is that my parts helped me to get through my life; through sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse and while yes, we’re no longer in those situations anymore, no one has the right to tell us that the way we’re made is wrong and that they need to go away. We’ve only known each other a few months really and we had no relationship buliding, we just had to jump right into the deep end.

Many people have tried to tell us how we should be, or as my therapist puts it have, ‘intruded upon’ us. Now, here’s another person intruding and trying to tell us what should be done with our body/mind. Not okay.

It actually caused me a lot of panic and anger last night as I was trying to get to sleep and there was a lot of internal feelings and discussions going on about how to handle the situation, there’s a struggle between the parts who want to express our anger and resentment, and the host (me) who hates confrontation and if I’m honest has always had a very hard time confronting my therapist (either one) because there seems to be a power imbalance there and I’m intimidated.

There were suggestions that perhaps we should quit therapy but that’s not good either.

I really don’t get therapists who are so uncomfortable with these aspects of DID. My original therapist had to get used to it to. They know it exists,so what’s the problem? And all of them make this assumption that you need to integrate. Why?! Because they’re taught that it’s the successful resolution to DID? Because some psychologists wrote books saying this is what should happen?! Screw them! I say what happens to me.

I believe that over time some fragments of alters that are less formed than my full personalities could integrate naturally and so be it. But to tell me that pieces of myself need to go away. Uh uh. She also has this thing about wanting me to take my power which implies that I don’t act like I have any. That is insulting because she honestly doesn’t know me well enough yet to think that or to know my life outside of the 45 minutes in her office.

Either way, I have to see her today and I have to say something because the turmoil that’s been caused is too much for me to handle. Wish me luck.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, PTSD | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Sexsomnia: a Terrifying New “Disorder”


While I was reading through some news headlines I stumbled upon something that gave me the willies.

Have any of you heard of sexsomnia? It’s basically a type parasomnia like sleepwalking and night terrors except that in sexsomnia you display some type of sexual behavior in your sleep. The behavior could be moaning, masturbation or trying to have intercourse with the person in bed with you. Yeah that’s the part that got me, along with the mention that this disorder has been blamed for molestation as well.

All I could think of was that a) innocent people could be assaulted by their spouses and b) children could be abused and the perpetrator could get away with it by claiming sexsomnia. After reading the article however, my second fear actually doesn’t seem to be a concern if the person with sexsomnia doesn’t sleep in the same bed with their kids, which apparently has happened and gone to trial…ugh I can’t even…

It’s mentioned in the article that sexsomnia has nothing to do with pedophilia and I’m glad it says that. Sexsomnia wouldn’t make a non-pedophile go to their kids room while asleep and assault them. Nope. Nuh uh.

But what about the poor spouses/partners in the same bed? Yikes! I can’t even imagine how that would feel!

There are sleep tests to help confirm this disorder and there are drug treatments but, wow, the damage that could be done for couples who don’t know what they’re dealing with yet! If this is real, and I only say if because I’m so disturbed at this moment and I’m having trouble with the scenarios, but if it’s real, I feel really, really bad for the sufferers too. It would be horrifying to assault someone you love against your will. The ramifications freak me out. The article is linked below if you want to read it, if not, no biggie, I just needed to get the willies outta me after I read it and blogging was my best option.

http://motherboard.vice.com/read/i-have-sexsomniaand-cant-be-cured

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Lady Gaga Suffers From Chronic Pain 10 Years After Her Sexual Assault


http://www.eonline.com/news/746074/lady-gaga-suffers-from-chronic-pain-10-years-after-her-sexual-assault

I wanted to take a moment to post this although it, won’t get the full attention it deserves because I’m still a mess.

I didn’t watch the Oscars because I just didn’t care (hey I knew Star Wars wasn’t winning so whatever lol). But I wish I had seen Lady Gaga perform this song with the survivors of sexual assault. Of course as I think about it I could pull it up online but, I hesitate. Hmmm…maybe I’m not ready. Well I really glad that she did it because they honestly have nothing to be ashamed of.

The article I’m linking to mentions how Lady Gaga felt accepted for the first time and there’s this picture of all of them together and I just thought it was really powerful to see them like that knowing what they had been through.

I don’t know that it will spur social change but maybe individually it did something for them.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 3 Comments

Hobbled


Hello everyone. Just a quick update on where I’ve been. I had surgery a few weeks ago which has left me unable to walk until about yesterday and I’m still not really up yet for another two weeks. I haven’t been able to go to therapy for weeks because they’ve got me going to physical therapy several times a week. So, mentally and emotionally I’m a mess. Physically I’m going stir crazy.

For the first week after surgery I actually felt good emotionally which should have been a warning sign in of itself I suppose. I think that the trauma of surgery and just trying to deal with the intense pain and disability made everything else just shut off. However,  after that first week or so was over I noticed that I was feeling really unstable. Depression, anxiety and other intense emotions starting cycling really quickly throughout the days. I really needed therapy but couldn’t get there.

Anyway, it’s week four, two more to go and I’m hoping to get some head therapy in there soon.

How are all of you?

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 4 Comments

Telling My Story


I’ve begun to tell my story, at least to myself. I’ve had some flashbacks that I can’t ignore even though I haven’t gotten to the point where I fully accept that they happened yet, but as my new therapist says “who wants to believe something like that?”

During my therapy session this last week I told her that I’d had a flashback during the two weeks I hadn’t seen her (due to the holiday). She asked me what the flashback was and I couldn’t believe how difficult it was to say out loud to someone. I had been thinking about the flashback for a long time and what it meant but I hadn’t had to say it out loud until that moment. I was actually stuck for a moment and couldn’t say it. It took me a few tries to get it out. Even after I said it and we started talking about it, I was incredulously contemplating my own attitude as I sat there completely unemotional and logical because in truth, it hasn’t sunk in yet. It hasn’t become real yet.

You don’t have to read my story. There may be some triggering material though I won’t be extremely graphic. I’m simply going to state what I believe has happened to me. I won’t go into specific details but I am going to name the acts. If that bothers you, you can skip this part or perhaps the entire post, but I feel that it’s important that I speak my own truth for once after being shut up for so long. I’ll mark the possible triggering area now.

*******begin trigger warning******

 

My uncle molested me. I was somewhere between the ages of three and five years old I believe. I was molested in his home, in a room while his wife was in the house. She left me alone with him. I was fondled. He performed oral sex on me and forced me to perform oral sex on him. I was also raped vaginally. Most, if not all of this seems to have happened on the floor of this room that always feels dark. This is in addition to the memory I’ve always had of him kissing me on my underwear at my grandmother’s house.

I looked up the laws of the state where this happened at because I wanted yo know what they would call what happened to me. According to the website R.A.I.N.N. state law would call it: Aggravated rape, sexual battery and oral sexual battery. He would never get out of prison if justice was served. Of course justice will not be served, not by the courts of this land but I wanted to know anyway.

*****end of trigger warning*****

 

That was difficult to write I’m not going to lie. And even though I haven’t accepted it as truth, strangely it all felt true as I typed it. I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t doubt or question. That’s kind of how I got to this point. I was reading “The Courage To Heal” and I was simply thinking about writing what I know and seeing what feelings came up. I thought that what I knew would be one sentence but instead it was what I wrote above. No one was more surprised than I was. And what was more disconcerting was that it felt like truth. Actually it started before that with an exercise that had me circle what kinds of sexual abuse I have experienced. I circled specific items without hesitation, skipping over others without question because I knew that I hadn’t experienced those. When I was finished I had circled things that I had suspected deep down but didn’t want to think about. Again it felt like truth and if you’ve read this blog from the beginning or many of my older posts, you know that I struggled and beat myself up so much over thoughts of being a drama queen who looking for attention. I was trying to find any reason, any reason at all why this couldn’t be true. If I’ve come to a place of believing it means something huge for me and I have to pay attention to that.

So there it is in print. I’ve said it. I wonder what I’ll think of this post in six months or a year? Things never seem to move in a straight line.

Posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, The Courage To Heal, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments