I’ve begun to tell my story, at least to myself. I’ve had some flashbacks that I can’t ignore even though I haven’t gotten to the point where I fully accept that they happened yet, but as my new therapist says “who wants to believe something like that?”
During my therapy session this last week I told her that I’d had a flashback during the two weeks I hadn’t seen her (due to the holiday). She asked me what the flashback was and I couldn’t believe how difficult it was to say out loud to someone. I had been thinking about the flashback for a long time and what it meant but I hadn’t had to say it out loud until that moment. I was actually stuck for a moment and couldn’t say it. It took me a few tries to get it out. Even after I said it and we started talking about it, I was incredulously contemplating my own attitude as I sat there completely unemotional and logical because in truth, it hasn’t sunk in yet. It hasn’t become real yet.
You don’t have to read my story. There may be some triggering material though I won’t be extremely graphic. I’m simply going to state what I believe has happened to me. I won’t go into specific details but I am going to name the acts. If that bothers you, you can skip this part or perhaps the entire post, but I feel that it’s important that I speak my own truth for once after being shut up for so long. I’ll mark the possible triggering area now.
*******begin trigger warning******
My uncle molested me. I was somewhere between the ages of three and five years old I believe. I was molested in his home, in a room while his wife was in the house. She left me alone with him. I was fondled. He performed oral sex on me and forced me to perform oral sex on him. I was also raped vaginally. Most, if not all of this seems to have happened on the floor of this room that always feels dark. This is in addition to the memory I’ve always had of him kissing me on my underwear at my grandmother’s house.
I looked up the laws of the state where this happened at because I wanted yo know what they would call what happened to me. According to the website R.A.I.N.N. state law would call it: Aggravated rape, sexual battery and oral sexual battery. He would never get out of prison if justice was served. Of course justice will not be served, not by the courts of this land but I wanted to know anyway.
*****end of trigger warning*****
That was difficult to write I’m not going to lie. And even though I haven’t accepted it as truth, strangely it all felt true as I typed it. I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t doubt or question. That’s kind of how I got to this point. I was reading “The Courage To Heal” and I was simply thinking about writing what I know and seeing what feelings came up. I thought that what I knew would be one sentence but instead it was what I wrote above. No one was more surprised than I was. And what was more disconcerting was that it felt like truth. Actually it started before that with an exercise that had me circle what kinds of sexual abuse I have experienced. I circled specific items without hesitation, skipping over others without question because I knew that I hadn’t experienced those. When I was finished I had circled things that I had suspected deep down but didn’t want to think about. Again it felt like truth and if you’ve read this blog from the beginning or many of my older posts, you know that I struggled and beat myself up so much over thoughts of being a drama queen who looking for attention. I was trying to find any reason, any reason at all why this couldn’t be true. If I’ve come to a place of believing it means something huge for me and I have to pay attention to that.
So there it is in print. I’ve said it. I wonder what I’ll think of this post in six months or a year? Things never seem to move in a straight line.