First of all, I’d like to thank my dear friend Freasha for reminding me to communicate here. I needed it and coming from her meant everything. Thank you.

It is extremely uncomfortable to be truly vulnerable. There are different levels of vulnerability and therefore different levels of discomfort that go with them. It could be a stomach flip of nervousness, a tightening of muscles, an increase in the speed of breathing; all signs of anxiety that come with allowing some part of yourself to be seen by someone else for judgment or rejection or by handing over part of yourself to another person and trusting them with it.

I’ve been experiencing severe vulnerability during my last two or three therapy sessions to the point that two new parts have presented themselves (I have also come to understand that I have a group of parts and an adult part I didn’t know about but that’s kind of separate).

My parts and I made an agreement that instead of acting out in certain ways we would draw pictures. It was in this context that I became aware of a young part who was very sad about the abuse that happened when we were little. Contrasting drawings were done by the her and the group and brought into therapy, this is where things went BANANAS!

When I was trying to talk about the drawings and who drew what and my surprise about the little girl, she came out! I’ve NEVER had a child part come out in therapy! My child parts are my most vulnerable parts! They do not come out! If I was an apple it would be like carving me out to my core. Vulnerability! She put her head on her lap and cried, oh my goodness it was so sad. My therapist tried to talk to her but I don’t think she said anything back to her. THEN….

A new part came out…

The little girl was crying and then I felt this presence. It was strong, powerful and pissed! It took control and basically said to stop crying, crying was not allowed, we needed to get our crap together. That’s what it was there for, to get things back under control but it seemed to be in relation to the little crying girl.

Guys I was so freaked! This part obliterated me! It pushed me out so hard that I couldn’t come back into my own body no matter what I tried. And I was shifting back and forth HARD! What that means for me is that in this instance, for a maybe 15 seconds I was the little girl, head on lap crying, then bang, I would be pulled really hard, full of anger and taking control, breathing hard and telling the girl no crying, then I’d switch back to her again, then back to the presence again. It was rough! It’s very disconcerting, confusing, frustrating, sometimes scary…I was in my head trying to come back but I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back until the presence decided enotions were under control and they receded.

When I came back I was not okay with that alter pushing me out like that. We had to have a talk about it with ny therapist’s help. It wasn’t really a talk because the presence didn’t talk to me but it listened.

My therapist and I delved into what happened and decided that the presence is a “protector” part. It makes sense. It wasn’t safe to feel or cry or anything, that had to be tightly contained. There may be memories there but I can’t remember if my therapist thinks the girl has them or the protector has them.

After that whole thing we talked about drawing being done with her present but I can be in my own area of her office and only show her the drawings if I want to.

There’s actually a 2nd drama that happened during this week’s session but that sounds like a part 2. Let’s do that later.

Talk about an update!

Please excuse any crazy spelling and grammar. I wanted to get this out to you guys and I’m fighting not to sleep; chronic illness stuff blah blah blah you know what I mean. Okay see you guys for part 2.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

An Interesting Approach To Working With Alters

I’m often glad when I say something in therapy that reveals I’ve misunderstood something that my therapist has said. It tends to, no, it always makes both of us stop with wide eyes, shake our heads in confusion and then look at each other like we’re both aliens before realizing that apparently we need to start over clarify an important point.

This situation happened during our session this week and it was very important because it was holding up my progress.

My therapist has asked me for a long time now to try and identify my various parts, at least to the best of my ability. I have strong impressions of some and I do outright know some of them. I’ve been afraid though. I told her that I am afraid, me, the core personality that’s usually here. I wanted her to really get that I have my own feelings that needed to be acknowledged apart from all of this dissociation stuff.

My fear was coming from the assignment of needing to identify my parts. I was afraid that if I delved into that I would also discover why they exist; I would see their memories, things I may not be ready for yet. I was afraid that I would start reliving trauma, things like that. I thought I’d get lost in all of that darkness.

I told her about my fears and assumptions and she was really surprised because I hadn’t understood what work she wanted me to do and what work she wanted us to do together.

Her thought was only very surface for me. Just identify the part on a surface level really. It’s more like, okay there’s an 8 year old…oh hmmm, there’s a part that doesn’t speak, she’s maybe 5 years old okay…etc but I don’t need to go further into the why’s or anything.

What she wants me to do then is to stop. I do all other work only with her during our therapy sessions so she can be with me/us and talk to us, listen, watch or stop things and bring it back to safety if things are going too far.

I’ve never done any real work with my alters. There’s never been a program or a method so-to-speak so I didn’t understand what she was thinking and she couldn’t envision anyone even thinking they’d have to do trauma work at home alone so it didn’t occur to her to really spell out extra, single detail.

Communication people! Haha!

I’m actually excited. Feeling vulnerable but excited. We’ll see how things start out. First I have to start with identifying my parts. Hmmm…

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Which Blog Is This???

Hello dear readers. It’s time for another episode of “oh look, she’s back after she said she’d be around more, AGAIN.”

Yes, I am the worst and that actually brings me to the title of today’s entry: which blog is this? It would actually be more appropriate to ask, what kind of blog is this? No… that’s not right either. The issue I’m struggling with when I think about posting sometimes is that I started this off mostly as a bipolar disorder blog, well sort of and… huh…maybe a place to talk about abuse? I can’t even remember now. BUT, eventually, when I became aware that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I also added that as a theme of this blog, however it came much later.

What I struggle with is, I don’t know how many of you were/are here for bipolar stuff, how many of you are/were here for abuse stuff and how many of you are/were here for DID stuff.

I feel guilty as if perhaps my shift into speaking so much about abuse or DID and not as much about bipolar disorder alienated my readers who had come here for information/support about that. Or perhaps if I want to talk about bipolar disorder, those who are only here for abuse or DID will be pushed back.

I have a post I’d like to do about the importance of sleep meds in bipolar disorder but I honestly don’t believe that there are any bipolar readers left here anymore because I’ve driven them all off.

I have a post to write about being completely overwhelmed by trauma and therapy when your system has been shutdown for so long but I feel bad talking about it because I haven’t talked about bipolar disorder enough AT ALL!

I’d like to post about the desire to be loved/liked/desired and how it manifests on instagram and makes you feel awful.

I’d like to talk about my feelings on people who get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and why people treat them like lepers.

See…I have a LOT to talk about but I feel like I haven’t lived up to the NAME of the blog by balancing the audience it’s supposed to be for. It makes me hesitate to post over and over and over…you guys… you have NO idea how many times I hesitate to post.

This doesn’t even BEGIN to address that I’ve never told you what really happened to me almost a year ago for months after, that is still effecting me now and definitely has a huge impact on my focus. However, this blog is not about that subject and I would need to start a new blog to whine and moan and groan over there. Hell no thanks! Yes, I just combined two word terms into one. That just happened.

What do you guys think? 

I usually get about three comments but if any anonymous readers want to pop out and say something, go for it.

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Mania, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Be Careful Reading Current News Stories

Hey guys, I wanted to post a quick albeit late message to caution you about the current news situation right now concerning sexual harassment and assault. 

I would have written sooner but I’ve been doing intense work in therapy and I myself have been triggered by all of the news stories.

The current movement to expose the massive amount of sexual harassment and assault that permeates Hollywood is, of course, good and necessary. It’s obviously long overdue as well. But, for those of us who are victims of assault…especially the type discussed in our particular community this whole thing can be extremely triggering and actually, triggering is my warning.

There have been NO trigger warnings on the news stories I have seen/followed links to/read. None. 

I have clicked a link to read about what’s been happening, thinking that I was going to get an overview, only to be flayed alive with graphic, very specific, highly detailed accounts of what occurred, WITH ZERO WARNING. Maybe some stories have had warnings but absolutely none of the ones I saw did and they were from the major sources who should know better.

So please, if you haven’t already made my mistake, be very careful. The news agencies are NOT taking care of their readers; they’re too busy relishing in the details and in having a big juicy story to wring out every few hours with new horrors. They don’t care if a lack of warning could re-traumatize someone so watch out for yourself.

Be careful, please. Be safe. Practice self-care. Get off the internet if you need to or turn off the dang tv. You already know this stuff exists, this isn’t news to you.

I’ll be back eventually when I can talk about what’s been happening in therapy. It hasn’t been easy. But I thought about all of you and wanted to talk to you and say something.

Posted in abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Now Everything Comes Back


I probably have to slightly explain that something happened to me last year health-wise that made me very aware of stress. I felt a need to control my stress. Ha! Control. Silly me believing in control! 

Well, what happened scared me almost literally to DEATH. I think I said in previous post that I thought I was actually going to die and I mean that. My belief that keeping stress as minimal as possible became almost a religion for me. The problem with that is emotions. Emotions bring stress, even positive emotions cause their own stress. I believed that I couldn’t afford to feel any emotion, especially negative ones. I clamped down so hard on my feelings that I don’t think I even experienced bipolar disorder that entire time. Now, of course I still had bipolar disorder but I was shut down.

Now that I’m seeing B, I might start referring to my new therapist as B because “new therapist” is annoying to type. Anyway, now that I’m seeing her she’s made it very clear that I can’t keep functioning like I have been. She actually told me that holding my emotions in was worse.

I just wrote yesterday about my parts feeling really comfortable with B but opening one gate or two or four opens more. Yesterday I was manic as all hell. I haven’t been that manic in AGES!!!! I mean WOW! Then today I had the inevitable crash into depression. 

Everything is back. Parts, bipolar, feelings, ME. 

In a way I miss being gone or away or partiallt numb or all the way numb…whatever I was, but in another way it’s nice being back…feeling myself again. It’s like I was brain dead for a while and now my synapses are firing again.

Alright, I’m out for now. You all are in my thoughts.

Posted in Alters, bipolar disorder, depression, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

A Little Bit Right?

I always do this. I always think that unless I have a novel to post I can’t post anything here. I need to get over that because I know I onlt have maybe 3 of you left who even read this thing anymore!

I could blame myself but honestly I can pass the buck in a way. I had NO idea how much my interim therapist killed my inside until my last few sessions with my new and wonderful therapist. I adore her. I look forward to seeing her. My parts are back and one of them, Nicole, the part that has held so much of my anger and how now evolved, she was so ready to come out and talk to our new therapist she almost didn’t wait until we got into the office.

I feel more connected inside. I can’t believe it. So much damage was done you guys!!! Oh my goodness. I’ve got repair work to do because of this last therapy disaster. I should have taken better care of myself but I was intimidated and overly optimistic.

I’ve had some rough bipolar moments too that I should write about…things requiring trigger warnings. Maybe later.

I missed you guys. I’m sorry I lost so many of you. I can’t say that I’m really all the way back YET because as I told my therapist, part of me died in this last process and I need to come back and get myself together. My writing, the writing inside me that made me who I am…died… it’s gone and I’m trying to dig for the buried strings and clean them off and see if I can grasp them again and hold on. They’re there I just need more time. Ugh. Guys there was so much damage! Ugh!!!!!!! I’m here. I’m here.

Posted in Alters, bipolar disorder, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, PTSD, suicidal ideation, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 8 Comments

I Broke Up With My Therapist Da Da Dum!

I have no idea if that’s how you spell that whole oh wow theme but I tried and…..HI GUYS!!!!! 

I’m not going to get into the whole yadda yadda of what’s been going with me, just know that I’m ill and maybe that’s my life now, I’m honestly not sure at this point. Moving on to the title of my post because, what!? Yep.

Did you know you could do that, break up with your therapist I mean? I knew you could, I’ve always known but I’ve only had two and I would have found it impossible to extricate myself from such an emotionally entangled and multilayered, indefinable relationship. Well…until I did it.

What happened? Why did I end our therapeutic relationship?

It’s actually quite simple as far as the basic reason and I hope that it may help any of you who find yourself in a similar predicament to realize that it’s okay to go. Actually it’s more than okay to go. BUT I have a suggestion about how I went about later that you should take into account so pay attention to that.

It came down to differences in philosophy and basically who we are as people. The differences were so HUGE that the chasm could not be crossed. I thought that perhaps we could build a bridge across that gap, after all I’ve gone to her for what, two years? There was no bridge. Let’s talk about why it wasn’t possible.

The first therapist I had, I had for over a decade and there’s a very good reason why we were able to work together for some long even though we had very different fundamental approaches to life. When I use words like “philosophy” or “fundamental” or whatever, I’m not talking about just specific ideologies like religion or spirituality even though that can become a factor in therapy. You can actually fill in whatever you want those words to mean for you. It can be lots of things, trust me! I learned the hard way.

Anyway, going back to my first therapist. The reason we could work together for so long came down to two things: communication and HER. When she said something that bothered me I would never be able to confront her in the moment because that’s not how I work anyway. I always have to go and think about something for a while, get my thoughts together and then confront no matter who it is. With her I would think about what she said that irked me and figure out what I wanted to say to her, she in turn would listen, make sure she understood exactly what it was that was upsetting for me and then we’d talk about it until we worked it out. Now, a lot of therapist do this but the next part is what makes the difference and it’s something only the therapist can do…

She Changed Her Approached For Me.

Over time through honest communication and RESPECT for my feelings and thoughts and who I am as a person, she tailored her therapeutic approach so that I could fully engage in therapy without doings that made me uncomfortable. She didn’t incorporate ideals that I didn’t believe in. Instead she would ask me how my personal belief system would handle a certain situation and she would tell me to do that. Keep in mind that she had her own philosophies and ideologies but the therapy wasn’t for her, it was for me and she was able to put her over 40 years of experience to use and still use all of her clinical knowledge to treat me while making me feel safe. But that was on her, only she could choose to do that, I couldn’t have forced her. All of the ups and downs and bumps in the road we had (they’re all documented here in past blog entries), they led to us having a once in a lifetime relationship.

What went wrong with my new therapist?

To rewind for a brief moment, my first therapist passed away and gave me to the new therapist beforehand because she knew it was coming. This is a HUGE factor into why I stayed for so long. I thought that she must have known something I didn’t; she couldn’t have made a mistake. I stayed and stayed and stayed even though I knew…I knew it wasn’t working. I knew it and it burns me up that I didn’t put myself first and get the hell out of there a year ago. I’m actually getting angrier the more I write about it. I wasted two years of therapy. Two years! Grrrrrrrrr…

Don’t get me wrong. She said some things in therapy that were extremely helpful! I would be like ‘Whoa! What!? Oh man! I need to go and think about that for like a month!’ So when things like that happened I would think that maybe if I gave it more time we’d be okay. We weren’t going to be okay.

She would NOT change her approach for me.

We had communication hiccups too and we did the same thing, talked it out. But, when she would want to do something either to me or with me or have me do something as part of therapy and I would say no because I wasn’t comfortable with it, instead of accepting my refusal she would frown at me and ask why I wouldn’t do it. If I casually expressed a personal ideology in conversation that was different from hers she would challenge it and then I would have to spend part of therapy defending something that had nothing to do with therapy. When I say no to something that should be enough.

She was very forceful and in your face which at times I could appreciate especially when she really wanted me to hear what she was saying but, it could be startling and come off as aggressive as well. I would be talking about something and in the middle of my sentence she would shoehorn in ‘because of your…’ and it was disconcerting. Are you telling me? Shouldn’t that be a conclusion I come to?

The deal breaker was when I became very, very ill. I needed to talk about what was going on and how to deal with all of the anxiety and how being so sick was making me feel. Well uhhhhh…her fundamental belief is that illness isn’t real. Every week was the same: How are you? I’m really tired as usual, I’m not feeling well. Tell me what’s going on. *I tell her*. You know I believe everything stems from emotion so next time try asking it what information it’s trying to tell you and then send light into it…

I couldn’t get any comfort there. I couldn’t just go in and say that everything sucked and have her listen. I couldn’t talk about how scared I was, how unsure my life was because, even though scientific medical doctors are diagnosing and treating me, she doesn’t believe I’m sick…she doesn’t believe anyone is sick. 

I realized very suddenly that I hadn’t made any progress in therapy. I was going every two weeks now, and there was just nothing.

Fundamental differences. But you know what? Guess who’s fault it is? I’m pointing at myself. Yep. I should have asked her outright what kind of practitioner she was and if she was willing to adapt the way I would need her to. The answer would have been no and we could have gone our separate ways long ago.

So, I left and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Apparently some people have ended the therapeutic relationship by voicemail, some have simply never shown up for their next appointment. I was going to do it face to face but my husband said it was ridiculous to spend money to say I wasn’t coming back. I decided to write a very long email. I thanked her for everything she did for me and I sincerely complimented all of her good qualities and I acknowledged that her style would work very well with lots of people, just not me. I thought it was a decent compromise because she deserved way more than a voicemail.

Here’s the suggestion I asked you to pay attention to earlier: before I ended our therapeutic relationship I had already found a new therapist. I wasn’t just left out there flapping in the proverbial breeze without a net. I had someone that I was going to begin a new therapeutic relationship with and this new therapist had been recommended to me by my psychiatrist who I’ve been with for 16 years, the one who recommended my first therapist to me. 

I feel cautious optimism but I’m going in now with the realization that I’m not stuck and that I have options. Also unlike my previous therapist, my new therapist lit up when I told her I write. She’s all about writing and when I told her about the blog she freaked out lol. My previous therapist was never interested in hearing what I wrote but my first therapist loved to have me read my writing. I’m hoping that maybe if my new therapist encourages writing, I can get back into posting here regularly again.

It’s okay to leave. Epiphanies can be awesome. 

Posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatry, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments