Taking Stock

Sometimes you keep getting smacked in the face and you just have to stop and take stock of what’s going on in your life and at least acknowledge it so you can see what you’re up against.

I think that since the dad debacle I’ve been distracting myself with various coping mechanisms, but coping doesn’t really get at the core issues wreaking havoc on my life.

As a bit of an update, my dad never ever called, his wife never ever responded. In a strange turn of events, his stepdaughter reached out via social media after decades with some tripe about missing me and loving me. I called BS politely because I haven’t seen her since I was 12 years old and you  can’t love someone you haven’t spoken to in over 30 years and don’t even know. She had the audacity to tell me she asks my father about me and I called BS again because he knows less about me than my postman does. She made excuses and I was not interested in hearing them. Then a few days later one of my half-sisters (someone else I don’t know) contacted me, also via social media. The biggest twist of this event was that she said she got my information from my father and his wife. Oh so they are capable of communicating? My father simply chose not to return my call. Excellent!

I am still staggered at how much he was able to hurt me without uttering one word to me at all, I truly am. I haven’t even begun to deal with this issue and I feel it on a daily basis like a stone in my chest.

The death of my therapist suddenly last year from cancer is another blow that I hadn’t realized was eating away at me. A large reason that it’s so troubling is that I was not allowed to talk about her death to anyone I knew (except my new therapist, but I’ll get into that) because of the nature of our relationship and because people are idiots. The day I found out she had passed, actually minutes afterward, I had someplace to be. I told the person I was meeting that my therapist had died and I got a “look”. The look was full of judgment for me not only being in therapy but being upset that my therapist had died. The attitude of the looker clearly said that I had no right to grieve such an insignificant event. I think that reaction dictated the road the rest of my grief took and part of that is definitely on me for letting it happen but people are also stupid when it comes to finding out that someone they know is in therapy. Most of my “friends” don’t get being in therapy in the first place and certainly wouldn’t have gotten being grieved over the loss of someone who’s helped you cope and start to heal for almost 15 years. So I bottled my grief up and spoke about her to no one, even my husband.

Of course I had a new therapist who happened to have been good friends of my old therapist and I could talk to her about J but it felt wrong somehow. I felt like I would be bringing up this awesome person over and over and over to this new person and it wouldn’t be nice. Again, I bottled things up. This weighs on me as well because J’s loss was a powerful blow and I haven’t dealt with it at all.

Being diagnosed last year with an autoimmune disease was difficult even though it was a relief to finally be taken seriously after years of having a doctor who did less than nothing about my symptoms. I’ve been experiencing some neurological issues though and it’s adding stress because I don’t know what’s going on yet.

My recent bout with bipolar depression and the close call with hospitalization was awesome and reminded me that bipolar is in the title of this blog for a reason.

Let’s not forget the lovely sexual abuse. I had a doozy of a week a while ago which I will likely blog about but it was basically trigger-palooza for me and I’m surprised I didn’t lose it and scream my head off.

I still miss my mom and yes I still know how crazy that sounds. Her brother still never talks to me and I don’t know why. My stepfather hasn’t spoken to me in at least six months besides a group email alerting a few of us to his new address. I miss my mom…did I say that already? Yeah I did.I’m insane, I know.

I’ve been walking that dangerous line with food. It snuck up on me without me really noticing it and then when I finally did notice it, I didn’t want to fight it. I am fighting it a bit because I don’t really want to go back to having an eating disorder again but part of me wants to give in because of how it makes me feel.

I went to the doctor today and something else may be wrong with me…I’ll know more tomorrow hence the posting tonight because I’m just done right now.

I live in my head because it’s safer in there and the people in there don’t hurt me.

I’m probably forgetting something but this has been long enough already. I plan on writing a letter to my dad that will not be mailed (or maybe it will) to help process my feelings.I need to tell my therapist about the food issue so that’s another plan. The other stuff…I don’t know. This weekend is busy so I’ll see where I am afterwards when I can breathe a bit.

Posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, suicidal ideation, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , | 18 Comments

Is It Hospital Time?

*mild trigger warning for depressed thoughts and suicidal ideation mentioned once*

Emotions are flat. I’m tired, no enjoyment. Feeling like I’m not contributing anything to society.   Happened very suddenly though out of nowhere, not gradually like usual so I’m confused. No trigger that I can see. I thought about going to sleep and how I would have peace finally. I know that’s not good. I have therapy in about 45 minutes, not sure what she’ll say. My husband is checking on me all the time. I’m not sure where this is going to end up, if it will resolve on it’s own,  if I need medication or if it will get bad enough for the hospital.

Posted in self-harm, suicidal ideation, Therapy | Tagged , | 5 Comments

PTSD Drug For Nightmares

Hello everyone. I wanted to do a quick post about a new medication my therapist prescribed to help me with what I’ve always called “bad dreams”.

For quite some time now I’ve been waking up really tired because my dreams are so exhausting. Constantly running away from danger for hours and hours , trying to escape being beaten, fighting off rapists and other unpleasant subject matters have haunted my dreams. Of course I’ve had bad dreams since young childhood but this was really affecting my ability to get up in the morning.

My therapist had been offering to help me with nightmares for a while and I always said no 1) because I thought that I might get memories of my abuse through my dreams and I didn’t want to prevent that from happening and 2) I didn’t consider most of these dreams to be nightmares, as I said, I called them “bad dreams” and I assumed that everyone had these all the time. But per my usual experience in therapy, sometimes you find out your normal is not normal.

I finally got tired of being tired and agreed to try to medication: Prazosin. It’s for high blood pressure but she told me they’ve been giving it to soldiers to treat PTSD nightmares.

I was very skeptical but I tried it, taking it right as I thought I was falling asleep. Oh boy did it make a difference! Apparently 95% of my dreams aren’t just “bad dreams” they’re nightmares. My therapist said I’ve adapted to having them my whole life which is why I didn’t realize what they were.

I would say that the medication has worked about 80-85% of the time. It was higher at first but then after 2 weeks some bad drea…no…nightmares pushed through for a few nights. I still had a bad one where I was being killed over and over again between a mattress and a box spring by a man…yeah that wasn’t good, I still remember it.

But, I’ve had a more restful sleep since I started it. Now I’m afraid that I will be dependent on it though. My therapist said not to worry about it, she has a patient who’s been on it for a year or more I believe.

I know many of you have been through some awful things and I figured I’d share that maybe something might be out there that could help with nightmares. I don’t know how long this will work for me. Maybe it will stop, maybe it won’t. Maybe it’s a placebo and I just think it works and suddenly my brain will figure it out and weeks of pent up nightmares will tumble out. I’m always like that when something works. But hey, if you think it can help any of you, talk to your doctors or therapists, get their thoughts, not just mine. Remember it treats high blood pressure so if you have problems with low blood pressure already, you need to consider that. My therapist told me to get up slowly if I wake up to go to the bathroom for example.

Alright, that’s all for now, take care all of you

Posted in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Trauma | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

And The Road Leads To Confusion & Hurt

To follow up my last post about making contact with my bio-dad, let me be a little more clear about what led up to this and then I’ll tell you what happened.

Basically I found out that my father’s wife had sent me a message via social media two years ago but it was filtered. No this was WAY before my mother passed away.

I decided that I would have likely responded sort of politely back then and that it could have appeared that I was being rude because I hadn’t replied.

I sent a message back explaining what happened and was showered with salutations and words of affection from his wife. Things like ‘we miss you’, ‘we’re so worried about you!’, ‘your father is so happy I talked to you!’ ‘Sorry about your mother, I’m here for you and so is your father.’…

I was given numbers to call and when I asked, I was given his schedule for the week including his days off: Thursday-Sunday, and the best time to call on Thursday. I replied that I would call Thursday.

That was where I left all of you Wednesday night; me a nervous wreck, almost ill from anxiety.

It had been days since the initial contact and in my mind I wandered why, if my father was so concerned, so happy that I made contact, then why had he been silent after I got in touch? All messages came from his wife, conveying his supposed thoughts and feelings. He could have easily sent a message as well, to communicate with me himself. He didn’t. Why?

Thursday morning I was so nervous I couldn’t stand it but I waited until it would be 9:45 a.m. his time before I called to give him time to be up and eat. I called his cell phone to have a better chance of getting him instead of his wife (when I was younger she’d make me talk to her for a long, long time before finally letting me talk to my dad). The phone rang and…no answer. I heard his voice telling me to leave a message, which I did. I hadn’t heard his voice in at least ten years. I left my number and told him if he didn’t have free long distance he could call and I would call right back because I do have free long distance.

I sat by the phone and waited nervously for my dad to call back, playing possible conversations back and forth in my head. An hour went by…three…five…ten. No call. I sent his wife a message via the same social media saying that I had called, left a message, not heard back and that when he wanted to talk to me, he could call me.

It’s Friday night and almost 10:00 p.m. where my father is. He hasn’t called nor have I heard back from his wife.

Perhaps something bad happened and that’s why he hasn’t called. Yes, part of me is still hoping for a good reason even though I swore never to hope in this man again.

I can’t help but think that if it had been me and my child whom I hadn’t spoken to in over ten years, and who had lost her mother, was calling me for the first time, I would be by that phone all day waiting, and if by some chance I missed her call, I would be checking my messages and calling her back immediately.

But that’s just me I guess. I’m sitting here thinking that he’ll call tomorrow and give me a really good, really legitimate reason for not calling me back and we’ll move on to seeing if we can even have some sort of relationship. If he calls, I plan on asking him why he’s waited and why he wasn’t around when his own wife said he would be. It needs to be good. Really good. I’ve waited on this man too much in my life already.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 4 Comments

Dangerous Road Ahead

I shouldn’t write when my sleep meds are about to kick in so this will be short.

I’m going to talk to my biological father tomorrow. I haven’t spoken to him in probably ten years? He didn’t reach out when my mom died so I’m expecting more disappointment.

I’m so nervous I can hardly breathe sometimes.

I’ll update afterwards.

Posted in Family Relationships | 4 Comments

Therapist Distress

I should have guessed that there would be inevitable issues when you have to suddenly change therapist while you’re neck-deep in issues of an immediate nature. However the issues that I’m having with my new therapist are stressing me out really badly.

Two sessions ago I divulged that I have imaginary friends, friends that I’ve had since I was little that I keep because they basically serve as my family. These friends are different from my DID alters but there is an alter ego that interacts with them that I didn’t consider part of my DID system at the talked about it.

After I left that session I was bombarded with feelings of fear and warnings that a system of safety that has been in place for decades was in danger. The biggest surprise to me was that I’d had no idea that my alter ego and imaginary friends were part of my DID until that moment of communication from my internal system. I was very confused. On top of that, the next day or so I lost time briefly which hasn’t happened in a while. It wasn’t anything big or bad, it just got my attention.

That week I had another appointment set with my therapist (I’d been doubling up for a few weeks because I hadn’t been able to see her for a month). We were continuing the conversation about my imaginary friends but I was cautious now because of my internal warnings. Here’s where things got bad with my therapist.

While talking a little about my DID alters she said that they need to know that at some point they’re going to have to go away (the term is integrate). My internal reaction was quite strong which I told her; we, including myself have no interest in them going away. My parts have been there since I was very small and I’m comfortable with them; what I want is the same thing I’ve always strived for with DID: co-consciousness. That seemed to throw my therapist a bit though and she asked me why I was in therapy, what made me come to therapy in the first place? This was not good either as I felt that she was basically saying ‘What are you doing here then? What’s the point?’ I did not like that. I told her what led me to therapy originally: being diagnosed bipolar and trying to learn how to live with that. Then my mom stuff came up and later the sexual abuse from my uncle. I think those are good reasons to be in therapy don’t you? The DID was discovered later after I’d already been in therapy for a long time, it wasn’t the reason I came.

This is all difficult because my original therapist and I had 14 years of relationship building. Even when we had a problem with communication or a misunderstanding, we could always work it out in one visit and get back to normal. She was very gentle and nurturing. My new therapist is very direct, which in some cases has actually been good as she can get to the point of what’s up immediately but…my internal system is all out of whack with feelings of anger, resentment and rejection. The general feeling inside is that my parts helped me to get through my life; through sexual, physical, verbal and emotional abuse and while yes, we’re no longer in those situations anymore, no one has the right to tell us that the way we’re made is wrong and that they need to go away. We’ve only known each other a few months really and we had no relationship buliding, we just had to jump right into the deep end.

Many people have tried to tell us how we should be, or as my therapist puts it have, ‘intruded upon’ us. Now, here’s another person intruding and trying to tell us what should be done with our body/mind. Not okay.

It actually caused me a lot of panic and anger last night as I was trying to get to sleep and there was a lot of internal feelings and discussions going on about how to handle the situation, there’s a struggle between the parts who want to express our anger and resentment, and the host (me) who hates confrontation and if I’m honest has always had a very hard time confronting my therapist (either one) because there seems to be a power imbalance there and I’m intimidated.

There were suggestions that perhaps we should quit therapy but that’s not good either.

I really don’t get therapists who are so uncomfortable with these aspects of DID. My original therapist had to get used to it to. They know it exists,so what’s the problem? And all of them make this assumption that you need to integrate. Why?! Because they’re taught that it’s the successful resolution to DID? Because some psychologists wrote books saying this is what should happen?! Screw them! I say what happens to me.

I believe that over time some fragments of alters that are less formed than my full personalities could integrate naturally and so be it. But to tell me that pieces of myself need to go away. Uh uh. She also has this thing about wanting me to take my power which implies that I don’t act like I have any. That is insulting because she honestly doesn’t know me well enough yet to think that or to know my life outside of the 45 minutes in her office.

Either way, I have to see her today and I have to say something because the turmoil that’s been caused is too much for me to handle. Wish me luck.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, PTSD | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Sexsomnia: a Terrifying New “Disorder”

While I was reading through some news headlines I stumbled upon something that gave me the willies.

Have any of you heard of sexsomnia? It’s basically a type parasomnia like sleepwalking and night terrors except that in sexsomnia you display some type of sexual behavior in your sleep. The behavior could be moaning, masturbation or trying to have intercourse with the person in bed with you. Yeah that’s the part that got me, along with the mention that this disorder has been blamed for molestation as well.

All I could think of was that a) innocent people could be assaulted by their spouses and b) children could be abused and the perpetrator could get away with it by claiming sexsomnia. After reading the article however, my second fear actually doesn’t seem to be a concern if the person with sexsomnia doesn’t sleep in the same bed with their kids, which apparently has happened and gone to trial…ugh I can’t even…

It’s mentioned in the article that sexsomnia has nothing to do with pedophilia and I’m glad it says that. Sexsomnia wouldn’t make a non-pedophile go to their kids room while asleep and assault them. Nope. Nuh uh.

But what about the poor spouses/partners in the same bed? Yikes! I can’t even imagine how that would feel!

There are sleep tests to help confirm this disorder and there are drug treatments but, wow, the damage that could be done for couples who don’t know what they’re dealing with yet! If this is real, and I only say if because I’m so disturbed at this moment and I’m having trouble with the scenarios, but if it’s real, I feel really, really bad for the sufferers too. It would be horrifying to assault someone you love against your will. The ramifications freak me out. The article is linked below if you want to read it, if not, no biggie, I just needed to get the willies outta me after I read it and blogging was my best option.


Posted in dissociative identity disorder | Tagged , , | 2 Comments