Grrrr Argh Etc


***Slight warning of weight talk but it’s about getting back to a healthy BMI. Mentions of body image issues, mostly me grumbling.***

I know, I know, I’m supposed to put part two of my two part therapy story up (does anyone even remember part one? I don’t). I, however, am in a SUPER bad mood. I’m depressed, angry, self-hating…just not good.

I tapered off of Topamax a couple of months ago and promptly gained 10lbs. I cannot deal with that. Let me say that I’ve been in my healthy, yes healthy, BMI for a long time now so gaining that much weight really shook me.

I want to exercise but the knee I had surgery on two years ago has now progressed to having even more problems that my orthopedic doctor says is going to require a total knee replacement at some point, no avoiding it. He said we’d start with kneecap replacement first though. I have hardly any cartilage left now so we’re hoping that my insurance will cover gel injections to take the place of the lost cartilage and help my knee function. If I can exercise I feel like I can get back to a healthy weight.

So…I feel foreign to myself, my body isn’t mine right now, I don’t recognize it and I can’t even look at myself. My skin is in bad shape; dull, dry, some rashes. Another reason to be unhappy.

I see people around me doing things that, while I’m sincerely happy for them, I wish I could do those things too but it’s impossible. I feel like I’ve held my husband back from doing amazing things and using his exceptional gifts. He hasn’t been able to fulfill his true potential because there are so many things I can’t do. I feel extremely guilty and I’m honestly struggling not to show him how upset it’s making me or share these feelings and thoughts with him. It makes me want to cry in my closet.

So, hating myself, being super angry and depressed, that’s me, it sucks, I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. Well…not everyone but you understand what I mean.

You guys understand because so many of you have been there or are there right now. We are a community who understands each other even when no one else does. Even though I’m freakin pissed at everything, I love you guys.

Do something nice for yourselves okay?

I’ll be back of course.

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Posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depression, dissociation, Eating Disorder, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, suicidal ideation, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Part 2 Of Therapy Still Coming


I haven’t forgotten to continue the story I was telling you about my recent sessions in therapy, promise. It’s just very…deep? Complex? Private? All of those things but, I still want to share it. I need to be in the right headspace to write it.

So, it’s going to be posted just hang in there. Right, ’cause you guys are really waiting with bated breath to read my winsome words haha!😂

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Vulnerability


First of all, I’d like to thank my dear friend Freasha for reminding me to communicate here. I needed it and coming from her meant everything. Thank you.

It is extremely uncomfortable to be truly vulnerable. There are different levels of vulnerability and therefore different levels of discomfort that go with them. It could be a stomach flip of nervousness, a tightening of muscles, an increase in the speed of breathing; all signs of anxiety that come with allowing some part of yourself to be seen by someone else for judgment or rejection or by handing over part of yourself to another person and trusting them with it.

I’ve been experiencing severe vulnerability during my last two or three therapy sessions to the point that two new parts have presented themselves (I have also come to understand that I have a group of parts and an adult part I didn’t know about but that’s kind of separate).

My parts and I made an agreement that instead of acting out in certain ways we would draw pictures. It was in this context that I became aware of a young part who was very sad about the abuse that happened when we were little. Contrasting drawings were done by the her and the group and brought into therapy, this is where things went BANANAS!

When I was trying to talk about the drawings and who drew what and my surprise about the little girl, she came out! I’ve NEVER had a child part come out in therapy! My child parts are my most vulnerable parts! They do not come out! If I was an apple it would be like carving me out to my core. Vulnerability! She put her head on her lap and cried, oh my goodness it was so sad. My therapist tried to talk to her but I don’t think she said anything back to her. THEN….

A new part came out…

The little girl was crying and then I felt this presence. It was strong, powerful and pissed! It took control and basically said to stop crying, crying was not allowed, we needed to get our crap together. That’s what it was there for, to get things back under control but it seemed to be in relation to the little crying girl.

Guys I was so freaked! This part obliterated me! It pushed me out so hard that I couldn’t come back into my own body no matter what I tried. And I was shifting back and forth HARD! What that means for me is that in this instance, for a maybe 15 seconds I was the little girl, head on lap crying, then bang, I would be pulled really hard, full of anger and taking control, breathing hard and telling the girl no crying, then I’d switch back to her again, then back to the presence again. It was rough! It’s very disconcerting, confusing, frustrating, sometimes scary…I was in my head trying to come back but I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back until the presence decided enotions were under control and they receded.

When I came back I was not okay with that alter pushing me out like that. We had to have a talk about it with ny therapist’s help. It wasn’t really a talk because the presence didn’t talk to me but it listened.

My therapist and I delved into what happened and decided that the presence is a “protector” part. It makes sense. It wasn’t safe to feel or cry or anything, that had to be tightly contained. There may be memories there but I can’t remember if my therapist thinks the girl has them or the protector has them.

After that whole thing we talked about drawing being done with her present but I can be in my own area of her office and only show her the drawings if I want to.

There’s actually a 2nd drama that happened during this week’s session but that sounds like a part 2. Let’s do that later.

Talk about an update!

Please excuse any crazy spelling and grammar. I wanted to get this out to you guys and I’m fighting not to sleep; chronic illness stuff blah blah blah you know what I mean. Okay see you guys for part 2.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

An Interesting Approach To Working With Alters


I’m often glad when I say something in therapy that reveals I’ve misunderstood something that my therapist has said. It tends to, no, it always makes both of us stop with wide eyes, shake our heads in confusion and then look at each other like we’re both aliens before realizing that apparently we need to start over clarify an important point.

This situation happened during our session this week and it was very important because it was holding up my progress.

My therapist has asked me for a long time now to try and identify my various parts, at least to the best of my ability. I have strong impressions of some and I do outright know some of them. I’ve been afraid though. I told her that I am afraid, me, the core personality that’s usually here. I wanted her to really get that I have my own feelings that needed to be acknowledged apart from all of this dissociation stuff.

My fear was coming from the assignment of needing to identify my parts. I was afraid that if I delved into that I would also discover why they exist; I would see their memories, things I may not be ready for yet. I was afraid that I would start reliving trauma, things like that. I thought I’d get lost in all of that darkness.

I told her about my fears and assumptions and she was really surprised because I hadn’t understood what work she wanted me to do and what work she wanted us to do together.

Her thought was only very surface for me. Just identify the part on a surface level really. It’s more like, okay there’s an 8 year old…oh hmmm, there’s a part that doesn’t speak, she’s maybe 5 years old okay…etc but I don’t need to go further into the why’s or anything.

What she wants me to do then is to stop. I do all other work only with her during our therapy sessions so she can be with me/us and talk to us, listen, watch or stop things and bring it back to safety if things are going too far.

I’ve never done any real work with my alters. There’s never been a program or a method so-to-speak so I didn’t understand what she was thinking and she couldn’t envision anyone even thinking they’d have to do trauma work at home alone so it didn’t occur to her to really spell out extra, single detail.

Communication people! Haha!

I’m actually excited. Feeling vulnerable but excited. We’ll see how things start out. First I have to start with identifying my parts. Hmmm…

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Which Blog Is This???


Hello dear readers. It’s time for another episode of “oh look, she’s back after she said she’d be around more, AGAIN.”

Yes, I am the worst and that actually brings me to the title of today’s entry: which blog is this? It would actually be more appropriate to ask, what kind of blog is this? No… that’s not right either. The issue I’m struggling with when I think about posting sometimes is that I started this off mostly as a bipolar disorder blog, well sort of and… huh…maybe a place to talk about abuse? I can’t even remember now. BUT, eventually, when I became aware that I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, I also added that as a theme of this blog, however it came much later.

What I struggle with is, I don’t know how many of you were/are here for bipolar stuff, how many of you are/were here for abuse stuff and how many of you are/were here for DID stuff.

I feel guilty as if perhaps my shift into speaking so much about abuse or DID and not as much about bipolar disorder alienated my readers who had come here for information/support about that. Or perhaps if I want to talk about bipolar disorder, those who are only here for abuse or DID will be pushed back.

I have a post I’d like to do about the importance of sleep meds in bipolar disorder but I honestly don’t believe that there are any bipolar readers left here anymore because I’ve driven them all off.

I have a post to write about being completely overwhelmed by trauma and therapy when your system has been shutdown for so long but I feel bad talking about it because I haven’t talked about bipolar disorder enough AT ALL!

I’d like to post about the desire to be loved/liked/desired and how it manifests on instagram and makes you feel awful.

I’d like to talk about my feelings on people who get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and why people treat them like lepers.

See…I have a LOT to talk about but I feel like I haven’t lived up to the NAME of the blog by balancing the audience it’s supposed to be for. It makes me hesitate to post over and over and over…you guys… you have NO idea how many times I hesitate to post.

This doesn’t even BEGIN to address that I’ve never told you what really happened to me almost a year ago for months after, that is still effecting me now and definitely has a huge impact on my focus. However, this blog is not about that subject and I would need to start a new blog to whine and moan and groan over there. Hell no thanks! Yes, I just combined two word terms into one. That just happened.

What do you guys think? 

I usually get about three comments but if any anonymous readers want to pop out and say something, go for it.

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Eating Disorder, Incest, Mania, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Be Careful Reading Current News Stories


Hey guys, I wanted to post a quick albeit late message to caution you about the current news situation right now concerning sexual harassment and assault. 

I would have written sooner but I’ve been doing intense work in therapy and I myself have been triggered by all of the news stories.

The current movement to expose the massive amount of sexual harassment and assault that permeates Hollywood is, of course, good and necessary. It’s obviously long overdue as well. But, for those of us who are victims of assault…especially the type discussed in our particular community this whole thing can be extremely triggering and actually, triggering is my warning.

There have been NO trigger warnings on the news stories I have seen/followed links to/read. None. 

I have clicked a link to read about what’s been happening, thinking that I was going to get an overview, only to be flayed alive with graphic, very specific, highly detailed accounts of what occurred, WITH ZERO WARNING. Maybe some stories have had warnings but absolutely none of the ones I saw did and they were from the major sources who should know better.

So please, if you haven’t already made my mistake, be very careful. The news agencies are NOT taking care of their readers; they’re too busy relishing in the details and in having a big juicy story to wring out every few hours with new horrors. They don’t care if a lack of warning could re-traumatize someone so watch out for yourself.

Be careful, please. Be safe. Practice self-care. Get off the internet if you need to or turn off the dang tv. You already know this stuff exists, this isn’t news to you.

I’ll be back eventually when I can talk about what’s been happening in therapy. It hasn’t been easy. But I thought about all of you and wanted to talk to you and say something.

Posted in abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Now Everything Comes Back


Ugh. 

I probably have to slightly explain that something happened to me last year health-wise that made me very aware of stress. I felt a need to control my stress. Ha! Control. Silly me believing in control! 

Well, what happened scared me almost literally to DEATH. I think I said in previous post that I thought I was actually going to die and I mean that. My belief that keeping stress as minimal as possible became almost a religion for me. The problem with that is emotions. Emotions bring stress, even positive emotions cause their own stress. I believed that I couldn’t afford to feel any emotion, especially negative ones. I clamped down so hard on my feelings that I don’t think I even experienced bipolar disorder that entire time. Now, of course I still had bipolar disorder but I was shut down.

Now that I’m seeing B, I might start referring to my new therapist as B because “new therapist” is annoying to type. Anyway, now that I’m seeing her she’s made it very clear that I can’t keep functioning like I have been. She actually told me that holding my emotions in was worse.

I just wrote yesterday about my parts feeling really comfortable with B but opening one gate or two or four opens more. Yesterday I was manic as all hell. I haven’t been that manic in AGES!!!! I mean WOW! Then today I had the inevitable crash into depression. 

Everything is back. Parts, bipolar, feelings, ME. 

In a way I miss being gone or away or partiallt numb or all the way numb…whatever I was, but in another way it’s nice being back…feeling myself again. It’s like I was brain dead for a while and now my synapses are firing again.

Alright, I’m out for now. You all are in my thoughts.

Posted in Alters, bipolar disorder, depression, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments