So much therapeutic work lost!!!!


So I guess I must have been living in a cave that was located at the bottom of a volcano in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle because I didn’t find out until yesterday that Polyvore was gone! Why is this important?

Well if any of you have been around since the very, very, VERY old times you might recall that back in those days there was a rather strong group of abuse bloggers who used Polyvore to make collages about our experiences and feelings, in fact there was a dedicated sexual abuse support group on Polyvore survivors.

It was a great place, instead of having to collect hundreds or thousands of magazines and cut out infinite pictures, you could use Polyvore’s database to find the images you needed to express your pain or confusion, your memories or lack thereof…anything, everything. I think the support group even had contests for featured collages. It was a unique.

And it’s gone. But it’s been gone for like a year or more! And apparently they had a window where users could have backed up their data before it lost but dumb me had no idea they were being bought out. My data is gone.

I probably made a hundred collages about my abuse during a time when I was going through profound confusion and broken memories. They’re all gone and I can’t get any of those images or what they could invoke back. How did I miss that they were closing it!!??

Nothing to do about it…all that work…gone. Sigh. How are you guys?

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Posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Snow Day


*I am coming back retroactively to add a trigger warning because I’m going to introduce my alters which will include why they exist. I will do my best not to be overly-detailed on intimately abused ones ok? This is just to summarize so people know where I’m at. You’ll know what section because there are bullet points.*

It snowed heavily yesterday, those really fat, thick flakes that even though they don’t seem to weigh much individually they weigh a ton when they pile up together.

Is that a metaphor for life? I wasn’t trying to make but there you go.

I’ve been starting all of my recent posts with excuses and disclaimers, I’m not doing that on this on one. It snowed so here I am. My brain is garbage because I’m on Topamax for my multitude of migraines but it works so what are you gonna do?

I’m not here to talk about migraines I’m here to talk about me! Isn’t that spectacular! And so strange. I get to blog about myself and no one can say I’m selfish because, read the not so fine print there fella, this is about my experiences, ha!

Actually this may, as I always hope, be helpful to others. Because my blogging has been so sporadic you guys don’t have a real sequence of events to go off of or a, shall we say “cast of characters” that you’re familiar with to give you so point of reference. Hmmm…let me see what I can do to help that without making overly complex and catch you up quickly…

Ok, summary as easy and quick as I can make it for regular readers and newer ones, oldies but goodies your gonna know some of this but you won’t know the recent stuff:

I have DID and bipolar disorder, I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused by my mother who died about uh 5yrs? ago, my grandmother raised me for about my 1st 6yrs and was awesome she died when I 18, I found her body.

I was sexually abused by my mom’s cousin 30yrs older than me, considered an Uncle and thus called such by me. I only had one memory my whole life of one incident I considered molestation but brief and not that bad considering, but have since realized that is not all that happened.

I had an extraordinary therapist for over a decade who passed away suddenly a few years and I still miss her terribly. I got a new therapist afterwards who did not know DID so my parts all went silent and then I left her (smartest move ever) and now I have a wonderful therapist who all my parts feel safe with and I love her.

My DID terminology: I call my parts either parts or alters and myself either the host, core personality or the real me…something like that. I refer to my entire group of alters as my “system”.

I have what I consider an unknown number of parts because every time I think I know how many there are someone else suprises me. Some of my parts are very vocal and others never speak at all, will not speak and I don’t think they can.

I have parts who have evolved in the sense that they started off one way, with one kind of personality but have since matured and become more complex.

Who are my parts?

  • Nicole – she is 17 and she was born the very instant that my core personality could no longer take one more hit from our mother without snapping. We realized that if our mother put her hands on us one more time, just one, we were going to kill her, actually, truthfully kill her. We were going to grab one of the cast iron skillets and bash our mother’s head in. Nicole was born from this moment of ‘Not one more time.’ Nicole was pure anger and rage against our mother and she would be the one to kill her. Ok…I just realized this won’t be quick because my parts deserve however long it takes to introduce them even though some might be brief, so if you don’t like that maybe skip to end because I’m doing this. Nicole has actually evolved the most because even though she’s still 17, she’s not just anger and rage anymore. She’s savvy and smart and she helps me communicate with my other parts when I’m having trouble getting through. She’s a protector. When we go out, she’s the one on alert paying attention to strangers, ready to defend or fight if necessary and she has a snarky sense of humor. She and I speak regularly, everyday. I really like her which is so cool because I was terrified of her when she first manifested in my old therapist’s office. She was the very first alter to come out.
  • The Little Girls: I currently count this group of alters as one alter. I don’t feel separate identities but more of a group mind with no particular person in charge. I see at least three girls in my head but there could be more and they’re more about feelings than speaking, not that they lack the ability to speak. They are very important to my system though as far as who they are. Now… I’m going to say this because it’s important that things like this are said and acknowledged and not hidden away but I also know that some readers may get triggered. I’m not going to be detailed, I’m going to make a couple of statements. You can skip to the next bullet point if you want ok? My statements are: perpetrators know precisely how to make a child’s body feel pleasure. This is a fact. This is how they operate and how they confuse their victims. Fact ok? Not our fault. My other statement: these alters are my split off parts that felt pleasure while being abused. I’ve gotten to know them. They are almost purely physical with no thought of anything else. They don’t understand the sadness or fear of anyone else, they’re in their own physical world because that’s where they were born. The issue I had with them was their acting out. When things got stressful they wanted to act out with compulsive sexual behavior (you know what that means) or sometimes they wanted to reenact the abuse. My therapist actually had to sit down and talk to them (they listened through my ears) and explain to them that there were other ways to express what they were feeling without making everyone get re-traumatized by reenacting the abuse over and over. They understood and have behaved a lot better since.
  • On the other end of the spectrum is another little girl. She feels great sadness and pain at what happened. She hasn’t spoken verbally in session but she has colored and she cries. She has drawn with crayon certain disturbing scenarios.
  • Directly connected to the girl is the alter I currently call “The Presence”. The Presence protects the little when she gets upsets or sometimes prevents access to her at all because it seems she holds memories about what happened. I think the Presence might have memories too because it was created out of a need to seemingly block those. When the little girl got upset in session the Presence manifested and shut it down, almost angrily. Interestingly since then I have visualized that the little girl is trapped in the room at the house with my Uncle, the Presence is with her protecting her but is also trapped because they can’t leave her.
  • Hmmm…moving on more quickly. There is an almost mirror teenage alter, she’s 16? But she’s nothing like Nicole. She’s all makeup, nails, boy bands, magazines, light and nothing serious, nothing dark. She isn’t aware of a world that is dark. Her biggest concern is telling me what color our nails should be and getting on me for not taking care of them.
  • I have an 8 yr old who was born from all the times our mother left us alone in the house at night while she went out.
  • I have several adult “manager” parts who can come in during emergencies to help out.
  • And I have recently discovered more parts which kind of catches you up.

Ok that took forever. So, I’ve been have a hard time recently because I’ve been really, really triggered by various news stories and people who look like my abuser and these things happening fairly close together.

I can read abuse stories and react with sincere empathy and sadness but not trauma if the story is not similar to my own. However, if there are similarities to what happened to me it throws me down a steep trail where I can’t get my footing for a while.

I had gotten my footing and then I felt what I described to my therapist as a “cold, dead thing” inside me that needed to work itself out. The way it wanted to work itself out was to engage in continuous compulsive sexual behavior, re-enacting elements of my abuse, even things I’m not consciously aware of (let me add that this time the younger parts would not be acting out or involved at all, this was different).

First, I fight this compulsion in general with all my might, just in my normal life. If I fail my normal reaction is immediate, intense shame, guilt and self-hatred, thoughts of wanting to die and feeling insanely dirty. Every time, even if a month has passed. This time I felt nothing but empty. I felt dead inside which worried me. I’d rather feel bad than feel dead. I didn’t care, I just wanted to repeat, repeat etc. That cold, dead thing needed to continue until it could expel itself. I’ve never felt this before.

I told my therapist and we’re going to keep talking about it. But since I saw her, the dead thing spoke to me! That was…uh…weird. Don’t misunderstand, there’s nothing actually dead here, I’m saying that something, I don’t know, maybe an alter? That part spoke to me. I was trying to avoid re-enacting the abuse so I tried redirecting my thoughts to a different sexual path and this time I felt more awake and I felt some guilt. Good! Uhhhh… no? This part did not appreciate that. I was reprimanded and told that I knew what I was supposed to do and I was expected to do it correctly the next time. I was very confused because I didn’t know who was speaking or why or anything.

Can I just say that DID is weird and that everyone can have a unique system and it’s challenging when you keep discovering new alters?

I haven’t even hit on everything that’s happened and I said way more than I was going to and wrote a crazy long post when I intended it to be short. Oh well.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, suicidal ideation, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Possible Breakthrough, No Pressure Right?


Brief again, sorry.

My parts have felt very, very comfortable with my therapist and it’s a good thing.

I’ve been seeing and smelling things that seem like memories. I’ve been doing pretty good keeping nice and calm about what I see and being really reassuring to my parts.

Other parts that I haven’t seen for several years have reappeared, seemingly as manager parts to tackle what’s been happening and what we hope happens.

I’m not scared of my parts anymore, also a good thing.

I am afraid though. I keep having moments that really drive home the fact that I do have DID (I’m not a drama queen, attention-seeking, perverted etc) and when these moments happen, that’s when I get scared. If I’ve split, there’s a very good reason that I did and that means that something really bad happened to me. That’s the hard part to accept, the scary part. I’m afraid of what I’ll see and what I’ll feel, for instance fear. The idea of re-experiencing the fear freaks me out. It freaks my parts out.

My therapist hopes that I will not relive anything but she can’t promise and we know that.

At this point I think the truth just needs to come out so we can deal with it instead of stressing about what we may or may not see.

Alright, I’ll get back to you all.

You’re in my thoughts, all of you. Be safe and love yourself.

Posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Incest, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, suicidal ideation, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

You’re Not A Kid Anymore


I’m going to jump right in because I just woke up and I’m pissed.

A person has the right to control who touches their body. That’s it. No arguments. No excuses. No buts.

I am freaking sick of feeling like I have to be polite when someone who makes me extremely uncomfortable touches me.

A guy I know makes me extremely uncomfortable. He’s in our church (so I see him regularly), he’s married and for years he has paid extra attention to me and tried to befriend my husband and I (he really wants to be my husband’s friend). He has kind of a simple mind, I don’t know how else to put it. He may be mentally challenged a little? Is that the correct term? He’s very immature and it shows in many ways. I won’t get into the reasons we don’t want to be friends. It’s his personality not his limitations.

He married a woman who is absolutely mentally challenged and I mean that literally, like medically, psychologically and emotionally. Like, I wish someone had stopped her back then by getting power of attorney over her. It’s…not good.

I’m not going into their relationship. The point is that this guy will not give up. With my husband he tries to bond over the one thing they both like, a movie series. That’s it. He can’t talk about anything else, he’s obsessed with it. But it’s like a kid who likes a TV show when they’re young and they can only talk to grownups about their favorite show nothing else.

With me his interactions are different though. He talks to me about two things: my cats and my clothes. Sometimes the movie comes up but not as often.

We’re going to talk about him and what I’m wearing. Most people who like your outfit will simply say they like it. Not this guy. He always says he likes my outfit, like always. But he doesn’t just say it. He reaches out and touches my clothes. Yeah. The last time he ran his finger over my arm while commenting on my top. Uh uh.

There’s a respect between genders among us that keeps things really appropriate. Like, men and women hug (IF WE’RE FRIENDS AND THAT’S HOW WE ARE TOGETHER)and are buddies and we hang out etc but we don’t cross these commonsense lines. No other guy I know would ever, ever stroke my arm. I have a bunch of guy friends and we hug but they wouldn’t do that, do you get what I mean about the difference? Hell I would never do that either.

Married or single it doesn’t matter. And where we are has nothing to do with it. If a guy came up to you, said he liked your sweater and then stroked his finger over your arm, what would you think!? How would you feel? It wouldn’t be normal. If you were into each other maybe you’d feel different.

Anyway, this guy pulled that stunt about two or three weeks ago and it’s still eating at me.

I talked to my therapist obviously and yeah, it’s not okay that some guy is touching me again in a way I don’t like!

The problem is that since he doesn’t touch me every time, it throws me when he does and I don’t know what to say. At times I’ve gotten really distant with him afterwards, like I go the other direction if I see him, I keep my face stony and if he tries to talk to me I give a very terse answer and refuse to even look at him so he go away.

Inevitably though after time passes, even months, I feel rude and try to be polite again and the cycle repeats.

My therapist stated that I’ve got to stop him, even if it embarrasses him.

Now that’s interesting. Not wanting to embarrass him is what’s stopped me from firmly telling him to never touch me again.

How many times do women put up with behavior that makes them uncomfortable because they don’t want to “cause a scene” or embarrass someone? A lot.

I just woke up from dreaming about this guy being in my house and making me uncomfortable. How jacked is that!? It’s bothering me in my dreams!!!!

I have to finally decide that I’m going to say something and DO IT! What I’m going to say I don’t know. My therapist was, of course, right to the point, no prevarication. Tell him, don’t touch me. Ha! That’s WAY harder than it should be. Why is that????

It should be easy to tell someone “don’t touch me!”

I couldn’t say that when I was a kid.

Kids have no rights over their bodies. If an adult wants to hug them, pick them up, sit them on their lap, the child can’t say no. They’re expected to do it and they would be considered rude if they resisted. A parent would see the child squirm or push away and tell them to ‘stop being rude and hug Aunt so-and-so’.

What if a child is too young to fully understand how those actions or that person makes them feel? They know they don’t like it but they don’t know why? How do they tell an adult?

What if the adults aren’t bad people but the child simply isn’t a “hugger”? It’s ok to not like hugging people. But kids don’t have the right to say they don’t want to hug. Only adults can decide that.

Things have progressed a tiny bit because kids are educated to tell if someone does something wrong but it shouldn’t have to be that extreme. Children shouldn’t have to touch or be touched by anyone if they don’t want to.

So, now…

I have the right to decide who touches me. I have the right to tell them to stop and to never touch me again. It isn’t being dramatic. It’s not being a bitch. It’s not rude. It’s my body. Mine.

I will probably see the guy tonight and if he reaches out I’ve got to slap him down firmly and not dance around it or make it a joke to make it softer. My instinct is to make a joke like, wow what’s with you and touching my clothes haha? Uh uh. That’s no good and he may not get what I’m really saying.

Arrrrrgh!!!! Guys!!!!!! Ugh!!!!! Help me!

I hate this crap but I’ll be damned if I let this dude creep me out in my dreams!

If you could hear the annoyed, exasperated sounds I’m making right now…

Posted in Anger, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, Dreams, harassment, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , | 9 Comments

Grrrr Argh Etc


***Slight warning of weight talk but it’s about getting back to a healthy BMI. Mentions of body image issues, mostly me grumbling.***

I know, I know, I’m supposed to put part two of my two part therapy story up (does anyone even remember part one? I don’t). I, however, am in a SUPER bad mood. I’m depressed, angry, self-hating…just not good.

I tapered off of Topamax a couple of months ago and promptly gained 10lbs. I cannot deal with that. Let me say that I’ve been in my healthy, yes healthy, BMI for a long time now so gaining that much weight really shook me.

I want to exercise but the knee I had surgery on two years ago has now progressed to having even more problems that my orthopedic doctor says is going to require a total knee replacement at some point, no avoiding it. He said we’d start with kneecap replacement first though. I have hardly any cartilage left now so we’re hoping that my insurance will cover gel injections to take the place of the lost cartilage and help my knee function. If I can exercise I feel like I can get back to a healthy weight.

So…I feel foreign to myself, my body isn’t mine right now, I don’t recognize it and I can’t even look at myself. My skin is in bad shape; dull, dry, some rashes. Another reason to be unhappy.

I see people around me doing things that, while I’m sincerely happy for them, I wish I could do those things too but it’s impossible. I feel like I’ve held my husband back from doing amazing things and using his exceptional gifts. He hasn’t been able to fulfill his true potential because there are so many things I can’t do. I feel extremely guilty and I’m honestly struggling not to show him how upset it’s making me or share these feelings and thoughts with him. It makes me want to cry in my closet.

So, hating myself, being super angry and depressed, that’s me, it sucks, I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. Well…not everyone but you understand what I mean.

You guys understand because so many of you have been there or are there right now. We are a community who understands each other even when no one else does. Even though I’m freakin pissed at everything, I love you guys.

Do something nice for yourselves okay?

I’ll be back of course.

Posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depression, dissociation, Eating Disorder, Mental Health, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, suicidal ideation, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Part 2 Of Therapy Still Coming


I haven’t forgotten to continue the story I was telling you about my recent sessions in therapy, promise. It’s just very…deep? Complex? Private? All of those things but, I still want to share it. I need to be in the right headspace to write it.

So, it’s going to be posted just hang in there. Right, ’cause you guys are really waiting with bated breath to read my winsome words haha!😂

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Vulnerability


First of all, I’d like to thank my dear friend Freasha for reminding me to communicate here. I needed it and coming from her meant everything. Thank you.

It is extremely uncomfortable to be truly vulnerable. There are different levels of vulnerability and therefore different levels of discomfort that go with them. It could be a stomach flip of nervousness, a tightening of muscles, an increase in the speed of breathing; all signs of anxiety that come with allowing some part of yourself to be seen by someone else for judgment or rejection or by handing over part of yourself to another person and trusting them with it.

I’ve been experiencing severe vulnerability during my last two or three therapy sessions to the point that two new parts have presented themselves (I have also come to understand that I have a group of parts and an adult part I didn’t know about but that’s kind of separate).

My parts and I made an agreement that instead of acting out in certain ways we would draw pictures. It was in this context that I became aware of a young part who was very sad about the abuse that happened when we were little. Contrasting drawings were done by the her and the group and brought into therapy, this is where things went BANANAS!

When I was trying to talk about the drawings and who drew what and my surprise about the little girl, she came out! I’ve NEVER had a child part come out in therapy! My child parts are my most vulnerable parts! They do not come out! If I was an apple it would be like carving me out to my core. Vulnerability! She put her head on her lap and cried, oh my goodness it was so sad. My therapist tried to talk to her but I don’t think she said anything back to her. THEN….

A new part came out…

The little girl was crying and then I felt this presence. It was strong, powerful and pissed! It took control and basically said to stop crying, crying was not allowed, we needed to get our crap together. That’s what it was there for, to get things back under control but it seemed to be in relation to the little crying girl.

Guys I was so freaked! This part obliterated me! It pushed me out so hard that I couldn’t come back into my own body no matter what I tried. And I was shifting back and forth HARD! What that means for me is that in this instance, for a maybe 15 seconds I was the little girl, head on lap crying, then bang, I would be pulled really hard, full of anger and taking control, breathing hard and telling the girl no crying, then I’d switch back to her again, then back to the presence again. It was rough! It’s very disconcerting, confusing, frustrating, sometimes scary…I was in my head trying to come back but I couldn’t. I couldn’t come back until the presence decided enotions were under control and they receded.

When I came back I was not okay with that alter pushing me out like that. We had to have a talk about it with ny therapist’s help. It wasn’t really a talk because the presence didn’t talk to me but it listened.

My therapist and I delved into what happened and decided that the presence is a “protector” part. It makes sense. It wasn’t safe to feel or cry or anything, that had to be tightly contained. There may be memories there but I can’t remember if my therapist thinks the girl has them or the protector has them.

After that whole thing we talked about drawing being done with her present but I can be in my own area of her office and only show her the drawings if I want to.

There’s actually a 2nd drama that happened during this week’s session but that sounds like a part 2. Let’s do that later.

Talk about an update!

Please excuse any crazy spelling and grammar. I wanted to get this out to you guys and I’m fighting not to sleep; chronic illness stuff blah blah blah you know what I mean. Okay see you guys for part 2.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment