***Slight warning of weight talk but it’s about getting back to a healthy BMI. Mentions of body image issues, mostly me grumbling.***
I know, I know, I’m supposed to put part two of my two part therapy story up (does anyone even remember part one? I don’t). I, however, am in a SUPER bad mood. I’m depressed, angry, self-hating…just not good.
I tapered off of Topamax a couple of months ago and promptly gained 10lbs. I cannot deal with that. Let me say that I’ve been in my healthy, yes healthy, BMI for a long time now so gaining that much weight really shook me.
I want to exercise but the knee I had surgery on two years ago has now progressed to having even more problems that my orthopedic doctor says is going to require a total knee replacement at some point, no avoiding it. He said we’d start with kneecap replacement first though. I have hardly any cartilage left now so we’re hoping that my insurance will cover gel injections to take the place of the lost cartilage and help my knee function. If I can exercise I feel like I can get back to a healthy weight.
So…I feel foreign to myself, my body isn’t mine right now, I don’t recognize it and I can’t even look at myself. My skin is in bad shape; dull, dry, some rashes. Another reason to be unhappy.
I see people around me doing things that, while I’m sincerely happy for them, I wish I could do those things too but it’s impossible. I feel like I’ve held my husband back from doing amazing things and using his exceptional gifts. He hasn’t been able to fulfill his true potential because there are so many things I can’t do. I feel extremely guilty and I’m honestly struggling not to show him how upset it’s making me or share these feelings and thoughts with him. It makes me want to cry in my closet.
So, hating myself, being super angry and depressed, that’s me, it sucks, I hate it. I hate everything. I hate everyone. Well…not everyone but you understand what I mean.
You guys understand because so many of you have been there or are there right now. We are a community who understands each other even when no one else does. Even though I’m freakin pissed at everything, I love you guys.
Do something nice for yourselves okay?
I’ll be back of course.