Thanks For The Condolences

I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on J dying. It was a bit easier for me to respond this way. I really appreciated the support.

On another subject I wanted to share this article about Sesame Street, (I know right?). It’s about how a very important storyline that they had 30 years ago involving Big Bird and his imaginary friend had an unexpected effect on what was going on with child sex abuse in the 80’s. I read and found it surprisingly interesting.

Here’s the link:

Posted in Child Molestation, Sexual Abuse | Tagged | Leave a comment

She’s Gone

“J” my therapist for 14 years passed away last Friday. I actually didn’t find out until this Monday; my psychiatrist actually caught it in the paper and he had to call me back about something and told me. I was on my way out the door for an appointment when I heard. I started to cry and then told myself that I didn’t have time because I had to be somewhere. I got two steps into my garage before I fell on the floor and wept. I sent a text saying that I was running late and did my best to get myself together so that I could leave. No one in my acquaintance would really get why her death matters so I feel like I will have to grieve in private. In a way that is my usual as I always have to show my feelings in private. It’s true that my new therapist was friends with her so I could grieve in therapy but I also only have 45 minutes a week to cover all of the layers of awful that is going on so…

My husband gets it in a way but as I told him in the car the other day, he’s never lost anyone he was really close to. I’ve lost everyone except him, literally. My grandmother. my mother and now J who nurtured me in vital ways and believed me when I didn’t believe myself. So much loss.

I’m actually pretty crazy right now. I can feel it and I’m in that stage of not caring that I’m crazy. I’m not doing anything around the house, don’t care about my hair, I’m wearing pj’s or sweats all the time, I’m living in fantasy in my head and yet I have a twinge of mania too. Not to mention that everyday, all day I’m having some sort of flashback about my uncle.

To top things off on an already cherry of a few months, my social security disability is up for review. This is a standard procedure they do every few years but it causes me such an intense amount of stress that I can’t even begin to express it here. Having someone else determine if I’m still disabled when I know 100% that I cannot work  no matter how much I would love to be able to. I miss work, I really do. I loved working. But I know that I simply cannot do it anymore; not even one day, that’s how off my chemicals are. My psychiatrist said this is normal procedure and it should be no problem but I’m freaked as usual…having my future in someone else’s hands is awful.

That’s it for now. I feel like everyone is dead and I’m crazy. How are you guys?! (No, seriously?)

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , | 5 Comments

Someone Else Is Dying

My new therapist is friends with the lovely woman who was my therapist and confidant for 14 years. She told me today that this woman who nurtured me and saw me through so much is now dying of the cancer that made her close her practice only a few months ago. Dying as in…any day now. I am in shock and so sad. She means so much to me and though I did get to tell her that…her loss…it’s something I can’t even express.

I just needed to say it to someone.

Posted in Therapy, Trauma | Tagged | 4 Comments

It’s Been A Rough 24 Hours And Counting

*I discuss many things that I’m going through right now so this post is very random. I apologize if it’s TMI but you guys know that I’m honest*

I’m having a bad day (if “day” can be counted as about 12:01 am this morning until now). It’s really weird to me how getting a new therapist could cause such an uproar emotionally and mentally for me. I haven’t been the same since the sexual abuse came up in our session, which was pretty early. We’re still very new to each other but we’re talking about things that it took years for me to get around to with my original therapist. I think it’s out of necessity though because, even though we’re new, I still have these issues that I need to talk about no matter what so it forces us to just talk about it. And she’s very direct; more so than my previous therapist. It’s different but it’s also been good in a weird way because she keeps surprising me with things that I hadn’t realized until she says something.

Case in point: during out last session it somehow was mentioned how much I hate being called a “good” person or anything like that. She wondered where that came from. I always thought that it’s just low self-esteem but then she hit me with a question, wondering if my uncle ever said anything to me like that. I didn’t understand what she meant at first and I tried to verbalize an answer when suddenly (for the second time since I started therapy with her) my mind started to dissociate and I couldn’t speak very well and I knew something was happening. I managed to tell her that something was happening and she asked me very directly to tell her what was going on. She helped me to stay focused and I came back pretty quickly. I was disturbed by my reaction but it was also extremely enlightening as I realized that there’s a connection for me when someone tells me I’m “good”….something that goes back to my uncle saying something similar under awful circumstances. It was so shocking to me that I literally had nothing to say back to my therapist. She said that was ok and that we didn’t need to say anything. I had to go home and let the new information sink in. It’s still sinking in.

I’ve also noticed that my sexual desire completely disappeared once we started talking about the abuse in therapy. About a week and a half ago I made myself have sex with my husband because my mother implanted the idea in me as a teenager that if you don’t have sex with your husband regularly he will have an affair and even though I made a point to try to ignore her insane musings, I must admit that this one stuck with me. However, it is never a good idea to force oneself to have sex when you don’t really want to, especially if you have a background of sexual abuse.

I’ve been in a very dark place the last 24 hours because I got anxious knowing that it had been a week and a half and he mentioned it. I had zero interest. I mean less than zero. Actually let me correct that; I had been struggling to not give into compulsive behavior. I had an interest in that but not in actual…whatever. Anyway, my mother-induced-anxiety kept eating away at me until I went down a path that I fought very hard not to go down anymore. I looked at things I’ve struggled so hard not to…just to give me something to think about so I could be with my husband…something other than what we were actually doing.

But it was like rolling down a steep incline with a cliff’s edge at the end…once I started I couldn’t stop and I spent hours in a very dark place mentally. And I mean that kind of literally. I felt a strange pressure in my head, I felt like my body was heavy, like I wasn’t in full control of my mind or my limbs. It felt like someone else was there in my head. And it felt inevitable, like this was always going to happen so why fight it? I can’t really describe it accurately.

Eventually I came out of what felt like a stupor and told myself to “get up!” Part of me wanted to stay in what was being called in my head “the Dark Place”. We wanted to stay in the Dark Place and just give up. I didn’t stay there. I got up and opened all my blinds to let sunshine in and focused on doing something else to keep busy.

It’s still a bad day. I’m struggling with depression I think. I think that’s been a problem for a while now but that I didn’t realize it until yesterday. I’m so sad but I also want to scream. I really, really want to scream but I don’t know why. I did my hair differently because a part really needed me to and I trimmed my nails and painted them black because that same part really needed me to do that. I’m feeling sad and fragmented and confused and I want to be alone and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I miss my mom (can you freakin’ believe that!?) I feel so alone, it’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m going a little crazy and it doesn’t help that my physical health is also getting worse which adds another layer of crap to everything else.

I need…I have no idea what I need. I f my old therapist was still with me I would have called her and asked for an extra appointment but my new therapist only practices two days a week. I don’t know what to do to help myself.

So I decided to write in hopes of getting out some of this awful energy. I have therapy tomorrow, maybe that will help. I hope it helps. I feel like canceling every plan that I have next week and just staying home until further notice.

Sometimes the weight of life and experiences feels like too much…too much to bear…too much to carry inside a person.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Molestation, depersonalization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Guys This Was So Scary!

I had therapy this week with my new therapist. Somehow the sexual abuse has come up a lot faster than it did with my previous therapist, maybe because I’m more comfortable with discussing it in that setting.

Anyway, it wasn’t a very heavy conversation yet and I vaguely mentioned my uncle and she asked, just to note, “And what’s his name?” I went to answer and I blanked, but guys this was one of the weirdest things that I’ve ever experienced! At first I laughed, a bit uncomfortably, because I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten his name! I know his name and I’ve never had any trouble remembering it or speaking it (I mean, I hate it but I can say it). But then I realized that I hadn’t forgotten it…it was more like someone in my head had pushed his name out of mind and then put their hand over my mouth so I couldn’t speak it. Then things got worse. I’d have to look back at my past entries to know how long it’s been but I haven’t switched (changed personalities) in a long time. Suddenly, I’m sitting there with this new therapist, feeling someone taking names from my mind, stopping me from speaking them out loud and then I felt myself being pushed aside or pulled out of my mind and someone else taking over. I managed to say that something was wrong as I put my hands over my face. My therapist told me to breathe and told me to look at her. She led me through breathing until I was able to regain control.

Oh man…I thought that because I hadn’t switched in ages that that part of my life was over. My therapist said “Nothing is ever over.” Now I feel like I have to relearn how to deal with alters coming out and the possibility of losing time and everything else that goes with all of this all over again. What’s even scarier is that I did not recognize the presence that shoved that name out…shut me up and tried to push me out. It scared the crap out of me I’m not gonna lie.

My therapist noted that all of this coincided with me saying that I was frustrated that I couldn’t catch the flashes I’ve been seeing and that I wanted to remember more;also all the anger stirred up by my stepfather seems to have started an avalanche of anger from other places too, including maybe anger about my uncle.

I’m finding it difficult to be scared of myself. It’s hard to be accepting and open to whatever comes when you’re freaked out that something scary is inside of you lurking in the darkness.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lady Gaga’s Til It Happens To You

Lady Gaga released a new video for her song Til It Happens To You which is about sexual assault. It is graphic and there is a warning preceding the video but it is also done I think with the right intent and with thoughtfulness considering that Lady Gaga herself is a victim of sexual assault.

I’m going to put the link here but it’s not saying you need to see the video, it’s only if you want to see it. It might be too much for some people. I cried.

(Below the link is more information about the video if you want to read it before you decide about watching it)

If it helps to have more information about what is seen in the video, I will now do a breakdown of the graphic content
…trigger warning…

Various college age women are assaulted by college aged men who are either friends or attending a party. One is assaulted against a wall; he fondles her breasts (that’s the best way I can describe it) there’s some movement against the wall but I don’t know for sure if it was sex (maybe I was too shocked), one woman is thrown down on a bathroom counter and assaulted from behind (there are brief thrusting moves), two girls are drugged at a party; one is assaulted on a bed but seems to fight him off, she then helps her friend who is seen unconscious in a chair with her underwear down around her ankles. During the video the women experience flashbacks of what happened to them.

….end trigger warning….

Posted in Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Theraputic Exercise

I could have sworn that I’ve posted a blog since my last entry about losing my therapist of 14 years but apparently I must have just been thinking about posting instead of actually doing it.

I spoke to my new therapist about my stepfather, who has taken to showing up in town with no notice, and how his appearance (actually how any interactions with him) illicit intense anger in me. She suggested that I write a letter that will not be sent in order to get this anger out. Some of you may recall that I did something similar in Card For An Abusive Mother back in 2012 which was inspired by all the Mother’s Day tripe at the time and since I just tried playing a video game as a distraction and got so angry that I had an actual tantrum with stomping and screaming and everything…I feel it might be time to go ahead and try writing that letter. This may dissolve back into a blog post along the way; I make no promises.

(insert stepfather’s name here),

I have no desire to see or speak to you again. Despite your protestations of solidarity and familial ties, you are a liar. I have never been your daughter, nor will I ever be your daughter. This does not make me sad because I never liked you and you never liked me. All of our family interaction in public were faked and in private you made it very clear that you wished I was not there. I could have done without the grand speech in front of family after my mother died however. Your putting up a front forced me to put one up as well because being really honest right before or after a funeral just didn’t seem polite.

What’s made me the most angry however is your utter self-absorption. Not once since my mother died have you asked me how I am. Not once have you checked to see if I was ok. No…I have been the one who has had to check on you regularly and make sure that you were ok. You have treated me with no consideration by randomly showing up in town with no warning and expecting me to stop whatever I’m doing or change whatever plans I have in order to accommodate you. And worst of all when you’re around me you never once even make a pretense of being interested in me…no, you interrupt me when I try to say anything and you immediately start talking about your real children and your grandchildren…children who are by your own admission having many, many problems ie being in prison on a regular basis and fathering many, many children with many, many women or having low-life boyfriends and their boyfriend’s children moving in with them to mooch off of them…the list goes on. You sat in my living room (of the new home my husband and I just moved into, and which you did not care to ask about after you demanded hazelnut creamer for your coffee which you assumed I must have on hand just for you I suppose) and for the hour that you were there, you talked non-stop about your kids and their kids and their girlfriends and their boyfriends, and then you left, without once asking how I was. I’m so done with you. I was nice to you because you lost my mom but so did I. And you losing my mom does not give you the right to treat me like you have.

It’s great to know that whatever money you got from my mother’s death is being used to buy your children houses and fix their problems and to take your ex-wife and your grandchildren to prison to see your son. That’s awesome. Have a nice life; I want no part of it. I’m sick of pretending and I’m sick of coddling you. You are not my father and you never have been. My real father is a son-of-a-bitch already, so why should I borrow another one who isn’t even related to me?

-I’m out

Posted in Anger, Family Relationships | Tagged , | Leave a comment