Telling My Story


I’ve begun to tell my story, at least to myself. I’ve had some flashbacks that I can’t ignore even though I haven’t gotten to the point where I fully accept that they happened yet, but as my new therapist says “who wants to believe something like that?”

During my therapy session this last week I told her that I’d had a flashback during the two weeks I hadn’t seen her (due to the holiday). She asked me what the flashback was and I couldn’t believe how difficult it was to say out loud to someone. I had been thinking about the flashback for a long time and what it meant but I hadn’t had to say it out loud until that moment. I was actually stuck for a moment and couldn’t say it. It took me a few tries to get it out. Even after I said it and we started talking about it, I was incredulously contemplating my own attitude as I sat there completely unemotional and logical because in truth, it hasn’t sunk in yet. It hasn’t become real yet.

You don’t have to read my story. There may be some triggering material though I won’t be extremely graphic. I’m simply going to state what I believe has happened to me. I won’t go into specific details but I am going to name the acts. If that bothers you, you can skip this part or perhaps the entire post, but I feel that it’s important that I speak my own truth for once after being shut up for so long. I’ll mark the possible triggering area now.

*******begin trigger warning******

 

My uncle molested me. I was somewhere between the ages of three and five years old I believe. I was molested in his home, in a room while his wife was in the house. She left me alone with him. I was fondled. He performed oral sex on me and forced me to perform oral sex on him. I was also raped vaginally. Most, if not all of this seems to have happened on the floor of this room that always feels dark. This is in addition to the memory I’ve always had of him kissing me on my underwear at my grandmother’s house.

I looked up the laws of the state where this happened at because I wanted yo know what they would call what happened to me. According to the website R.A.I.N.N. state law would call it: Aggravated rape, sexual battery and oral sexual battery. He would never get out of prison if justice was served. Of course justice will not be served, not by the courts of this land but I wanted to know anyway.

*****end of trigger warning*****

 

That was difficult to write I’m not going to lie. And even though I haven’t accepted it as truth, strangely it all felt true as I typed it. I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t doubt or question. That’s kind of how I got to this point. I was reading “The Courage To Heal” and I was simply thinking about writing what I know and seeing what feelings came up. I thought that what I knew would be one sentence but instead it was what I wrote above. No one was more surprised than I was. And what was more disconcerting was that it felt like truth. Actually it started before that with an exercise that had me circle what kinds of sexual abuse I have experienced. I circled specific items without hesitation, skipping over others without question because I knew that I hadn’t experienced those. When I was finished I had circled things that I had suspected deep down but didn’t want to think about. Again it felt like truth and if you’ve read this blog from the beginning or many of my older posts, you know that I struggled and beat myself up so much over thoughts of being a drama queen who looking for attention. I was trying to find any reason, any reason at all why this couldn’t be true. If I’ve come to a place of believing it means something huge for me and I have to pay attention to that.

So there it is in print. I’ve said it. I wonder what I’ll think of this post in six months or a year? Things never seem to move in a straight line.

Posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, The Courage To Heal, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Be Safe You Matter


I don’t do holidays, but I know some of you do which means that, some of you will be seeing family soon. This may mean different scenarios for different people.

If you have a mental illness you may be seeing family who don’t understand that your illness is real and chemically based. Or that it’s a perfectly natural response to something you went through. They may think you’re “seeking attention” or “you need to get out more” or perhaps they’re “tired if hearing about this” at every family gathering.

If you were abused you may be seeing your abuser, toxic family or friends, people who enabled your abuse or people who flat out didn’t believe you.

Or maybe you’re alone at a time when society says you should be surrounded by family and friends who love you.

You know what I say? Screw ’em!

You need to do what you need to do to be safe! And if that means not pretending anymore that you belong to a freakin’ Norman Rockwell, Hallmark card family full of squishy hugs and cookie kisses then so be it and they can kiss your ass!

Jeez apparently I’m really angry and I didn’t know it until I started writing this. But this blog post isn’t about me for once, it’s about you. Take care of yourselves please!! Hallmark doesn’t know squat about real life and they can’t tell you how to stay safe.

If your family failed you, you don’t owe them anything and they will never appreciate your sacrifice or understand or care what it takes for you to even show up. But you know who does understand and care? The mental health community. They get it in a way no one else can or will because they live it everyday! So you are not alone. You are never alone. Tomorrow is just another day and a lot of people secretly hate it because they don’t even like their family that much and they’re stressed about spending money they don’t have on ungrateful people.

Here’s my suggestion: If your local theater is open go watch the new Star Wars movie, it was awesome. Have a soda, eat hot, buttery popcorn and enjoy yourself (if it’s not open, go see its the next day). Then tomorrow will be over and everyone will be returning all the useless crap they got from people they don’t like.

Above all else, take care of yourselves. You matter.

– CimmerianInk

Posted in abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Toxic Parents, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

Checking In


Hey everyone. I’m still here. Having a new therapist has been an adjustment and I’ve been trying to deal with this newly diagnosed disease so I’ve been distracted and tired and stressed and confused.

Anyway, I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere, so I wanted to reassure all of you. I just need to make some time to sit down and let myself think and write.

So in the words of Terminator: I’ll be back. Haha.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 1 Comment

Thanks For The Condolences


I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments on J dying. It was a bit easier for me to respond this way. I really appreciated the support.

On another subject I wanted to share this article about Sesame Street, (I know right?). It’s about how a very important storyline that they had 30 years ago involving Big Bird and his imaginary friend had an unexpected effect on what was going on with child sex abuse in the 80’s. I read and found it surprisingly interesting.

Here’s the link: http://m.mentalfloss.com/article.php?id=71281&utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Partner&utm_campaign=nerdist

Posted in Child Molestation, Sexual Abuse | Tagged | Leave a comment

She’s Gone


“J” my therapist for 14 years passed away last Friday. I actually didn’t find out until this Monday; my psychiatrist actually caught it in the paper and he had to call me back about something and told me. I was on my way out the door for an appointment when I heard. I started to cry and then told myself that I didn’t have time because I had to be somewhere. I got two steps into my garage before I fell on the floor and wept. I sent a text saying that I was running late and did my best to get myself together so that I could leave. No one in my acquaintance would really get why her death matters so I feel like I will have to grieve in private. In a way that is my usual as I always have to show my feelings in private. It’s true that my new therapist was friends with her so I could grieve in therapy but I also only have 45 minutes a week to cover all of the layers of awful that is going on so…

My husband gets it in a way but as I told him in the car the other day, he’s never lost anyone he was really close to. I’ve lost everyone except him, literally. My grandmother. my mother and now J who nurtured me in vital ways and believed me when I didn’t believe myself. So much loss.

I’m actually pretty crazy right now. I can feel it and I’m in that stage of not caring that I’m crazy. I’m not doing anything around the house, don’t care about my hair, I’m wearing pj’s or sweats all the time, I’m living in fantasy in my head and yet I have a twinge of mania too. Not to mention that everyday, all day I’m having some sort of flashback about my uncle.

To top things off on an already cherry of a few months, my social security disability is up for review. This is a standard procedure they do every few years but it causes me such an intense amount of stress that I can’t even begin to express it here. Having someone else determine if I’m still disabled when I know 100% that I cannot work  no matter how much I would love to be able to. I miss work, I really do. I loved working. But I know that I simply cannot do it anymore; not even one day, that’s how off my chemicals are. My psychiatrist said this is normal procedure and it should be no problem but I’m freaked as usual…having my future in someone else’s hands is awful.

That’s it for now. I feel like everyone is dead and I’m crazy. How are you guys?! (No, seriously?)

Posted in bipolar disorder, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Mania, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , | 6 Comments

Someone Else Is Dying


My new therapist is friends with the lovely woman who was my therapist and confidant for 14 years. She told me today that this woman who nurtured me and saw me through so much is now dying of the cancer that made her close her practice only a few months ago. Dying as in…any day now. I am in shock and so sad. She means so much to me and though I did get to tell her that…her loss…it’s something I can’t even express.

I just needed to say it to someone.

Posted in Therapy, Trauma | Tagged | 4 Comments

It’s Been A Rough 24 Hours And Counting


*I discuss many things that I’m going through right now so this post is very random. I apologize if it’s TMI but you guys know that I’m honest*

I’m having a bad day (if “day” can be counted as about 12:01 am this morning until now). It’s really weird to me how getting a new therapist could cause such an uproar emotionally and mentally for me. I haven’t been the same since the sexual abuse came up in our session, which was pretty early. We’re still very new to each other but we’re talking about things that it took years for me to get around to with my original therapist. I think it’s out of necessity though because, even though we’re new, I still have these issues that I need to talk about no matter what so it forces us to just talk about it. And she’s very direct; more so than my previous therapist. It’s different but it’s also been good in a weird way because she keeps surprising me with things that I hadn’t realized until she says something.

Case in point: during out last session it somehow was mentioned how much I hate being called a “good” person or anything like that. She wondered where that came from. I always thought that it’s just low self-esteem but then she hit me with a question, wondering if my uncle ever said anything to me like that. I didn’t understand what she meant at first and I tried to verbalize an answer when suddenly (for the second time since I started therapy with her) my mind started to dissociate and I couldn’t speak very well and I knew something was happening. I managed to tell her that something was happening and she asked me very directly to tell her what was going on. She helped me to stay focused and I came back pretty quickly. I was disturbed by my reaction but it was also extremely enlightening as I realized that there’s a connection for me when someone tells me I’m “good”….something that goes back to my uncle saying something similar under awful circumstances. It was so shocking to me that I literally had nothing to say back to my therapist. She said that was ok and that we didn’t need to say anything. I had to go home and let the new information sink in. It’s still sinking in.

I’ve also noticed that my sexual desire completely disappeared once we started talking about the abuse in therapy. About a week and a half ago I made myself have sex with my husband because my mother implanted the idea in me as a teenager that if you don’t have sex with your husband regularly he will have an affair and even though I made a point to try to ignore her insane musings, I must admit that this one stuck with me. However, it is never a good idea to force oneself to have sex when you don’t really want to, especially if you have a background of sexual abuse.

I’ve been in a very dark place the last 24 hours because I got anxious knowing that it had been a week and a half and he mentioned it. I had zero interest. I mean less than zero. Actually let me correct that; I had been struggling to not give into compulsive behavior. I had an interest in that but not in actual…whatever. Anyway, my mother-induced-anxiety kept eating away at me until I went down a path that I fought very hard not to go down anymore. I looked at things I’ve struggled so hard not to…just to give me something to think about so I could be with my husband…something other than what we were actually doing.

But it was like rolling down a steep incline with a cliff’s edge at the end…once I started I couldn’t stop and I spent hours in a very dark place mentally. And I mean that kind of literally. I felt a strange pressure in my head, I felt like my body was heavy, like I wasn’t in full control of my mind or my limbs. It felt like someone else was there in my head. And it felt inevitable, like this was always going to happen so why fight it? I can’t really describe it accurately.

Eventually I came out of what felt like a stupor and told myself to “get up!” Part of me wanted to stay in what was being called in my head “the Dark Place”. We wanted to stay in the Dark Place and just give up. I didn’t stay there. I got up and opened all my blinds to let sunshine in and focused on doing something else to keep busy.

It’s still a bad day. I’m struggling with depression I think. I think that’s been a problem for a while now but that I didn’t realize it until yesterday. I’m so sad but I also want to scream. I really, really want to scream but I don’t know why. I did my hair differently because a part really needed me to and I trimmed my nails and painted them black because that same part really needed me to do that. I’m feeling sad and fragmented and confused and I want to be alone and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I miss my mom (can you freakin’ believe that!?) I feel so alone, it’s ridiculous. I feel like I’m going a little crazy and it doesn’t help that my physical health is also getting worse which adds another layer of crap to everything else.

I need…I have no idea what I need. I f my old therapist was still with me I would have called her and asked for an extra appointment but my new therapist only practices two days a week. I don’t know what to do to help myself.

So I decided to write in hopes of getting out some of this awful energy. I have therapy tomorrow, maybe that will help. I hope it helps. I feel like canceling every plan that I have next week and just staying home until further notice.

Sometimes the weight of life and experiences feels like too much…too much to bear…too much to carry inside a person.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Molestation, depersonalization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Intimacy, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments