Down, Down, Down

My stepfather planned to give me some of my mother’s things along with items that had belonged to my grandmother when he traveled through my part of the country this month. He had a tentative date for his trip and said he’d be in touch. Apparently his idea of being in touch means calling the day before he’s going to show up at my door.

He appeared with less than 24 hours notice and brought massive (literally garment bags and suitcases) amounts of my mother’s clothing, including bras, yeah bras…and then he left.

The photo albums that my mother stole from me that belonged to my grandmother? Unless they’re in the bottom of a medium box of knick knacks, they’re not here.

I’m rattled, furious, anxious to the point that I literally can’t breathe well and so depressed I can hardly move. My stepfather continues to blindside me with behavior that is either insane or just plain rude. I continue to coddle him because, damn it, his wife died but you know what? My mother died too and he hasn’t asked how I’m doing at all in at least five months. I’m sick of this nonsense and obscene words are crowding my head with no one to yell them at. I’m sinking fast and I don’t know how to help myself. I have therapy tomorrow, thank god, and I hope that she can help me dig myself out of this mire. It feels like I’m actually suffocating…my lungs seem to just stop taking in air periodically, and it’s freaking me out.

Posted in Child Abuse, depression, Trauma | 5 Comments

Why I Love Sia’s “Elastic Heart” Video

I’m going to start with a trigger warning because I will link the video’s url in this post and I want people to read my thoughts on it first before they decide whether to view it or not.

If you read any news about Sia’s video for her beautiful song Elastic Heart, then you already know that she apologized for triggering people, which wasn’t her intent obviously. Her idea for the video is one reason I absolutely love it; she said it shows two “Sia states” and as a person with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I really get having different states of being and parts that can be at odds or be different ages or even genders.

Let me say that I absolutely get why some people could be triggered by the video; Shia Labeouf and Maddie Zeigler (she’s a child and a professional dancer) play two states of being, representing the singer and he picks her up or lays down next to her, while she periodically gets angry with him and throws him around. It’s a physical video. That being said, for me, and I emphasize the me part, this video is true and lovely and the end breaks my heart.

If you think it will trigger you, don’t watch it. If you wish to view it, here’s the link Sia’s “Elastic Heart” video

Even if you don’t watch the video, I think the song is great, but I’m a Sia fan now so I’m biased. Take care everyone.

Posted in Alters, DID, dissociative identity disorder | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

The Indignity Of Death

My stepfather sent my mother’s death certificate along with the coroner’s report. I read rather quickly and unfortunately my eyes picked up many phrases in the report before I actually realized what I was glancing at.

I didn’t know he was going to send anything, let alone the report detailing how they took my mother apart in pieces and weighed her organs.

I’m angry that he blindsided me with this and I’m deeply disturbed by the details I read before I threw the report down.

They cut her up in pieces. They recorded her body parts in pounds and grams…they dissected her like she was nothing and then they reported their findings like her family wouldn’t see it.

I can’t deal with the fact that they disassembled her. All I see in my mind’s eye is her on a table as they take her apart. In this case, having a good imagination is not a strength.

My eyes keep watering because I want to cry but…I don’t know. I want to talk to someone about how I feel but I’m so damaged (ironically in part by my mother) that I can’t. I have a husband who would probably listen to me but it feels like weakness to go to him. I have a friend who lost her mother last year but I feel guilty bringing this up with her because I don’t want to cause her more pain.

I’m therefore left with my thoughts and my imagination and my anger and my guilt and my sadness. You would think with so much company I wouldn’t feel so isolated.

Posted in abuse, Child Abuse, depression, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mental Health, neglect, Trauma | Tagged | 17 Comments

What Gives?

This is a quick post so that I can ask a question. It’s not really a question anyone can answer, at least not one that any of you can answer but I’m going to ask it because it bugs me.

My father’s wife’s daughter reached out to me through social media to give her condolences about my mother. I asked how she found out and she said that they had been visiting my family and my aunt told them. I assume that means my father knows as it was his sister who told them and she said “they” like I would know who that was.

My mother is dead and my father has said nothing. He has not reached out or called or sent a card or anything. What gives? I mean we’re estranged but geez!

He and my mom never married, they were never even engaged but you find out your child’s mother has suddenly died and you say nothing? Really?

Wow. It’s like I have no parents in the world at all.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 8 Comments

Sometimes It’s The Little Things

Using my therapist’s technique of identifying emotions by keeping them simple: happy, sad, mad, or scared, I’m going to say that I’m sad. Believe it or not that’s actually progress for me and I still need that kind of help to explain how I feel.

It’s the little things that are making me sad. Yesterday my husband picked up the phone to give his parents an update on our house sale and it hit me really hard that I can’t do that because my mom is dead. I have a stepfather but he’s exactly that. We don’t have the kind of relationship where I just call him up to say hi. My bio-dad is exactly that, the guy my mom slept with to have me.

The casual, sure way my husband called his parents just got to me.

And it’s strange because my wistful sadness is a mixture of reality and wishes. In reality I hadn’t spoken to my mom in a while and if she were still alive I may not have called her about this. But, I would have likely been emailing her at least and I can’t even do that. The wishes come in from not knowing what our future relationship would have been. Maybe we’d finally speak on the phone…I have no idea.

I’m sad. I miss her but it’s weird. And it seems like everyday now I get kicked in the gut by grief. It’s a change because I still haven’t cried since her memorial service. I haven’t felt much of anything until now. I want a picture of a younger her…a her from before the hitting started, but my stepfather has the ones I probably want. My other pictures are packed so I can move when the time comes.

One of the small things that isn’t small is again wishful thinking. I recently read an article where a young woman, now an adult,  who had been sexually abused as a child told her mother what had happened. Of course for her, her mother was supportive, but I thought to myself that I’ll never be able to tell her what happened. There’s no support incoming. I highly doubt there would have been support if my mother were still alive but it’s not even having the option that gets me. It’s the maybe’s  (is that even a word?).

I don’t know how to process these feelings or even how to feel them in the first place. The training from my mother kicks in which means no crying, no showing how I really feel.

On the side I also have an extremely needy, whiny person around me who requires constant hand-holding or they think I don’t like them anymore. This person is supposed to be a friend but they are super high maintenance and they’re so busy telling everyone around us how sick they are (they’re not) that they can’t understand why I’m not focusing all of my attention on them.

Anyway, speaking of whining, I’m done. How’s everyone else doing?

Posted in Child Abuse, Family Relationships, Incest, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse, Toxic Parents, Trauma | Tagged | 8 Comments

Sticking My Head Out To Say Hi

I’m still here everyone.

I had no idea how much my current stressors would interfere with me being able to feel and write. I’m so distracted that I can hardly process any emotion besides anxiety. However, there is a chance that things will finally calm down in February so that I can get back to writing about all the inevitable emotional backlog that will come to the fore when I can focus again.

I have had some triggers involving sexual abuse and of course my mother’s death is still a big issue. It’s amazing (and not in a good way) how distractions can push really important issues like these to the back burner even though they deserve to be a priority.

I am going to take some time to go over some of my past collages because they tie into a trigger that happened on Sunday. I hope to be writing about my normal subject matters in a month or so.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 2 Comments

I’m Not Coping

I just realized a couple of days ago that I am not coping very well with stress at the moment. There are too many things going on at once and I’m not handling it well at all.

I need to sell my house, and the decision about where to move is extremely stressful because of the financial commitment. My mother’s death is still weighing and I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time in my imagination. That’s not coping. Well, it’s my way of coping but it’s not always the healthiest.

Physically I haven’t been feeling well and I’ve completely lost my way when it comes to exercise. Part of it is due to the weather change. When cold weather comes, my chronic illnesses become even worse than usual. Part of it is because I’ve lost my motivation.

Tonight was the first time in a long time that I considered self-injury and the night is not over.

I’m feeling epic amounts of guilt for failing myself and others on so many fronts at once. I actually thought to myself tonight that maybe my husband would be better off if I left him; he wouldn’t have to move (it’s my health that’s making the move necessary) and he’d be happier. I’ve never thought about that before. Yes, I’ve thought about leaving in the sense of death, but not leaving in this manner.

I’m so tired. I’m tired of struggling against my own weaknesses (that’s another post altogether) and I’m tired of failing. I’m tired of not knowing which way to go or what to do. And, I’m tired of feeling unworthy.

My husband thinks I’m depressed but I don’t think I am. I think that I’m worn out from things he doesn’t even know about. Things I could never tell him about.

I wish I could be a good person. It’s exhausting to hate yourself and your choices all the time.

Posted in Child Molestation, dissociation, Incest, Mental Health, self-harm, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse | 8 Comments