Loss Of a Therapist


My therapist just emailed me tonight to tell me that she’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She’s retiring immediately and closing her practice, effective right now. I’m in shock. She’s been my therapist for 14 years through the most difficult revelations of my life. I’m so heartbroken for her….

She’s already spoken to another experienced therapist who can see me but the loss is profound. I’m more concerned about her than me and I can’t help her. I’ve already had to medicate myself because I started panicking.

I don’t know what else to say at the moment.

Posted in Child Molestation, DID, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse, Therapy | Tagged , | 9 Comments

All Over The Place


I feel like this blog is going to be all over the place. Maybe it already has been. Sexual abuse, physical, emotional and mental abuse, bipolar disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, chronic illnesses both new and old, sexual abuse-related compulsive behavior… sometimes there’s a bunch of crap going on. Sometimes only a few of these things are outright bothering me at a given moment.

Jeez, I had to come back and edit this post to add my mother’s death to the list. Tells you how well my brain is working.

Today has been full of headaches, fatigue and annoyances. Then out of nowhere…sexually compulsive behavior, fantasies of abuse and even as it was happening I just started crying, without tears. I wailed…I was so sad and maybe scared too. It felt like it was about something deeper, I just don’t know what. I mean I can figure out on my own that it concerns my uncle but the specifics elude me.

I just wanted to document this whole stupid day so maybe if I come to understand it in the future I can look back at this with some clarity.

Posted in Child Molestation, Incest, PTSD, Rape, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Validation Coming Out My Ears


This may be really brief or longer than I expect.

I got my photos. Many of you who have followed my writing for long time know that my mother had stolen pictures after my grandmother died…pictures that meant the world to me. After my mother also died, I needed to have those photos of my family back and it killed me that my stepfather had them and kept procrastinating on giving them to me. Fast-forward to last month, he sent them! I have them back after almost 20 years. It was like getting pieces of my soul back.

The picture of the uncle who molested me is also in there, even though my mother had told me it wasn’t. That was validation #1 because when I saw it, the photo looked exactly as it always has in my memory. I remembered it correctly. I remembered him correctly. I remembered his wife correctly. I can remember these things! The memories are in there! I’m not crazy (at least in this area haha).

Validation #2 might be weird to some people; it depends on your experience.

I’ve known for a while that something is wrong with me health-wise. It’s been extremely frustrating to have painful symptoms with no answers. This week however, I got a diagnosis because something finally showed up in tests. After I left the doctor’s office I was actually jubilant, relieved and yes, validated. I’m not crazy (in this area lol), it’s not in my head (I knew it wasn’t). Then after the high of finally knowing wore off, I got weird…depressed or freaked or something, but that’s okay because it’s a normal response. Strangely I wished my mom was alive so that I could tell her. She would have wanted to know…to understand why I’ve been getting worse. But she’s not alive.

Hmmm…longer post than I anticipated. I wanted to reach out to all of you…yes I’m still here, still writing and still occasionally over sharing haha.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 6 Comments

Protection


I had one of those days where something was bothering me but I didn’t realize something was bothering until way later.

It was innocuous. A friend told a story of how he defended his wife to someone who had been mean to her in the past. The key factor was that it involved a show of physical strength on his part, not really hurting this other man but, making it clear that with little effort he could and that he was doing it in defense of the woman he loves.

I have a very, very strong preoccupation with fantasies of being protected. I actually didn’t realize how strong it was until I got into a tv show where the male protagonist showed a fatherly, protective concern towards a young woman that was backed up with violence when necessary. I found myself fantasizing that this fictional man was a fictional version of myself ‘s father. That was a confusing sentence wasn’t it? I hope you can understand it anyway.

When I connected to this fictional person, I fantasized that if he had been my real father, he would have tortured my uncle into confessing what he did to me and then he would have killed him. It brought me comfort…fleeting comfort but comfort nonetheless.

Today when I heard my friend’s story…how he physically stood up for his wife because someone hurt her and that pissed him off…I felt…I don’t know what I felt because I thought I simply cheered at the thought but that wasn’t it. I was bothered underneath the surface all day but didn’t know I was bothered until I got home. A few hours after I got home I got really anxious and antsy and upset. I couldn’t figure out why, but the story kept coming back over and over and over. I finally get it…I think.

I feel sad. Really, really, really, really sad.

I want to cry so bad right now. I want someone to defend me. To hurt the one who hurt me. To stand up for me.

I think there’s something about having a male figure physically defend me that is attractive. Obvious father issues right? And it’s not sexist. I think in a good world, fathers would protect their daughters. And this isn’t really about my adult self. This is about little me who had no one to protect her.

It breaks my heart because I don’t know how it feels to have that kind of person stand up to someone who wants to hurt me and stop them. To physically stop them. I had to protect myself but I couldn’t. I was a child with no strength but my imagination and my imagination is where I stay.

Today has messed with my head.

Posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Idiosyncrasies aka “Wait, not everyone does that”?


May was one of those months that just sucked, which is why I didn’t blog much. Thankfully I’ll finally be moving soon which will see me more settled.

But today’s blog isn’t about that, it’s about sex, coping and finding out you’re weird. Yeah I’m just jumping in and I’m hoping to get some feedback about idiosyncrasies you may have that directly relate to whatever has happened to you in the past.

My husband and I were being intimate the other night and without going into a ton of detail about what we were doing, I had a very, very strong, negative reaction to the whole thing.

I will detail my reaction though with the purpose of both sharing for you and for me. I’m betting at least some of my readers will relate, even if you don’t comment and hopefully my experience will help. But if you do choose to comment, I’m hoping to get a wider view of what’s normal for us.

I’ve had negative reactions to sex before but this was a doozy! And let me say right off the bat that my husband did nothing wrong.

Before we even started, immediately my head started floating away and I found myself staring at the ceiling, unable to move. The touch was so extremely unpleasant that my head started filling with voices and feelings wanting it to stop but I couldn’t speak or do anything. It was like having ten people in my head and body all having varying reactions that were all bad, but I remained still and silent on the outside.

I was totally confused because I didn’t know how to make things stop with my husband or what to do about my inner turmoil.

My chest area went numb like someone had given me lidocaine. It was so weird!

My therapist found all of my reactions informative: going very still and quiet, being afraid to make the person stop, staring at a fixed point, my head floating away, my body becoming numb…yeah even I see the implications. However, it’s very difficult to process these feelings and sensations without narrative memory to help.

My therapist calls these “feeling memories” and she tried to help me think of them as information.

I will briefly discuss something weird about boobs here so just throwing that out there.

Towards the end of our session I told her that both during therapy and with my husband, I felt odd sensations concerning my breasts. I hate my breasts being touched and I hate anything brushing against them, including my shirt. I mentioned to her that I sometimes wish I could get rid of them or bind them up so they can’t feel anything. I told her that I wear my bra 24/7 except for when I bathe, including sleeping in it. I always have since my first bra because I tried taking it off for bed and I couldn’t bear the feeling. Being in my bra keeps them…contained? So nothing touches them.

I did not realize how weird my behavior is until our session. My therapist had never known anyone who sleeps in her bra. Great. I’m weirder than usual.

So, my question is: do any of you have any idiosyncrasies related to your past, whether it was physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse, or other trauma? Do you have a habit or ritual etc that you do, that is normal for you but not for other people?

Feel free to comment anonymously, I just would like to see how normal we all actually are by being “abnormal”. I bet many of us are similar by being different.

Posted in Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

How To Accept A Memory


This thought has been in my head for a few weeks now and I wanted to post in hopes that it might help someone else. I know I’ve been writing about my mother dying almost exclusively but this blog is also about Dissociative Identity Disorder and sexual abuse so for the first time in a long time I’m posting about that.

The concept is simple but I’ll explain how I had one of my “aha” moments.

I was watching TV and the show was about the 80’s/90’s. They were talking about being able to go to the mall back then and record yourself singing. Until that moment I had completely forgotten about that trend. But when they mentioned it, boom, I remembered it as if I had never forgotten it. The second instance was a very casual comment on TV about spray deodorant being available at the gym. Again, it was a very simple, non-important thing I had forgotten but at that moment my mind flashed to the gym I used to go to when I worked years ago and I could remember the aerosol can of deodorant there in the ladie’s room. Again, like I had never forgotten it.

Why are these two instances important? Because both times something triggered a memory and both times, even though the memory had been buried (probably because it wasn’t important), I readily and easily accepted it without question.

My “aha” moment came when I realized that memories of sexual abuse, as vague and fleeting as they are, are exactly like these other memories. Something triggers them and I see something or feel something. However I typically question the memory to death (even though I’m WAY better at how I handle them now). The question was, why did I accept those casual memories so easily when they came to me the same way that the abuse ones do? The  easy answer? Because no one wants to believe that they were sexually abused as a child. The instinct is to flinch away from those images. But after my moment, I realized that memories are memories and I need be better about accepting them.

Hopefully my “aha” moment will help someone else. Take care everyone.

Posted in abuse, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Something To Make You Laugh


Sometimes you need to laugh, so in case you haven’t seen this viral video, enjoy.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 1 Comment