Guys This Was So Scary!

I had therapy this week with my new therapist. Somehow the sexual abuse has come up a lot faster than it did with my previous therapist, maybe because I’m more comfortable with discussing it in that setting.

Anyway, it wasn’t a very heavy conversation yet and I vaguely mentioned my uncle and she asked, just to note, “And what’s his name?” I went to answer and I blanked, but guys this was one of the weirdest things that I’ve ever experienced! At first I laughed, a bit uncomfortably, because I couldn’t believe that I had forgotten his name! I know his name and I’ve never had any trouble remembering it or speaking it (I mean, I hate it but I can say it). But then I realized that I hadn’t forgotten it…it was more like someone in my head had pushed his name out of mind and then put their hand over my mouth so I couldn’t speak it. Then things got worse. I’d have to look back at my past entries to know how long it’s been but I haven’t switched (changed personalities) in a long time. Suddenly, I’m sitting there with this new therapist, feeling someone taking names from my mind, stopping me from speaking them out loud and then I felt myself being pushed aside or pulled out of my mind and someone else taking over. I managed to say that something was wrong as I put my hands over my face. My therapist told me to breathe and told me to look at her. She led me through breathing until I was able to regain control.

Oh man…I thought that because I hadn’t switched in ages that that part of my life was over. My therapist said “Nothing is ever over.” Now I feel like I have to relearn how to deal with alters coming out and the possibility of losing time and everything else that goes with all of this all over again. What’s even scarier is that I did not recognize the presence that shoved that name out…shut me up and tried to push me out. It scared the crap out of me I’m not gonna lie.

My therapist noted that all of this coincided with me saying that I was frustrated that I couldn’t catch the flashes I’ve been seeing and that I wanted to remember more;also all the anger stirred up by my stepfather seems to have started an avalanche of anger from other places too, including maybe anger about my uncle.

I’m finding it difficult to be scared of myself. It’s hard to be accepting and open to whatever comes when you’re freaked out that something scary is inside of you lurking in the darkness.

Posted in abuse, Alters, Anger, Child Abuse, Child Molestation, dissociative identity disorder, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rape, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lady Gaga’s Til It Happens To You

Lady Gaga released a new video for her song Til It Happens To You which is about sexual assault. It is graphic and there is a warning preceding the video but it is also done I think with the right intent and with thoughtfulness considering that Lady Gaga herself is a victim of sexual assault.

I’m going to put the link here but it’s not saying you need to see the video, it’s only if you want to see it. It might be too much for some people. I cried.

(Below the link is more information about the video if you want to read it before you decide about watching it)

If it helps to have more information about what is seen in the video, I will now do a breakdown of the graphic content
…trigger warning…

Various college age women are assaulted by college aged men who are either friends or attending a party. One is assaulted against a wall; he fondles her breasts (that’s the best way I can describe it) there’s some movement against the wall but I don’t know for sure if it was sex (maybe I was too shocked), one woman is thrown down on a bathroom counter and assaulted from behind (there are brief thrusting moves), two girls are drugged at a party; one is assaulted on a bed but seems to fight him off, she then helps her friend who is seen unconscious in a chair with her underwear down around her ankles. During the video the women experience flashbacks of what happened to them.

….end trigger warning….

Posted in Rape, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Theraputic Exercise

I could have sworn that I’ve posted a blog since my last entry about losing my therapist of 14 years but apparently I must have just been thinking about posting instead of actually doing it.

I spoke to my new therapist about my stepfather, who has taken to showing up in town with no notice, and how his appearance (actually how any interactions with him) illicit intense anger in me. She suggested that I write a letter that will not be sent in order to get this anger out. Some of you may recall that I did something similar in Card For An Abusive Mother back in 2012 which was inspired by all the Mother’s Day tripe at the time and since I just tried playing a video game as a distraction and got so angry that I had an actual tantrum with stomping and screaming and everything…I feel it might be time to go ahead and try writing that letter. This may dissolve back into a blog post along the way; I make no promises.

(insert stepfather’s name here),

I have no desire to see or speak to you again. Despite your protestations of solidarity and familial ties, you are a liar. I have never been your daughter, nor will I ever be your daughter. This does not make me sad because I never liked you and you never liked me. All of our family interaction in public were faked and in private you made it very clear that you wished I was not there. I could have done without the grand speech in front of family after my mother died however. Your putting up a front forced me to put one up as well because being really honest right before or after a funeral just didn’t seem polite.

What’s made me the most angry however is your utter self-absorption. Not once since my mother died have you asked me how I am. Not once have you checked to see if I was ok. No…I have been the one who has had to check on you regularly and make sure that you were ok. You have treated me with no consideration by randomly showing up in town with no warning and expecting me to stop whatever I’m doing or change whatever plans I have in order to accommodate you. And worst of all when you’re around me you never once even make a pretense of being interested in me…no, you interrupt me when I try to say anything and you immediately start talking about your real children and your grandchildren…children who are by your own admission having many, many problems ie being in prison on a regular basis and fathering many, many children with many, many women or having low-life boyfriends and their boyfriend’s children moving in with them to mooch off of them…the list goes on. You sat in my living room (of the new home my husband and I just moved into, and which you did not care to ask about after you demanded hazelnut creamer for your coffee which you assumed I must have on hand just for you I suppose) and for the hour that you were there, you talked non-stop about your kids and their kids and their girlfriends and their boyfriends, and then you left, without once asking how I was. I’m so done with you. I was nice to you because you lost my mom but so did I. And you losing my mom does not give you the right to treat me like you have.

It’s great to know that whatever money you got from my mother’s death is being used to buy your children houses and fix their problems and to take your ex-wife and your grandchildren to prison to see your son. That’s awesome. Have a nice life; I want no part of it. I’m sick of pretending and I’m sick of coddling you. You are not my father and you never have been. My real father is a son-of-a-bitch already, so why should I borrow another one who isn’t even related to me?

-I’m out

Posted in Anger, Family Relationships | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Loss Of a Therapist

My therapist just emailed me tonight to tell me that she’s been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She’s retiring immediately and closing her practice, effective right now. I’m in shock. She’s been my therapist for 14 years through the most difficult revelations of my life. I’m so heartbroken for her….

She’s already spoken to another experienced therapist who can see me but the loss is profound. I’m more concerned about her than me and I can’t help her. I’ve already had to medicate myself because I started panicking.

I don’t know what else to say at the moment.

Posted in Child Molestation, DID, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse, Therapy | Tagged , | 13 Comments

All Over The Place

I feel like this blog is going to be all over the place. Maybe it already has been. Sexual abuse, physical, emotional and mental abuse, bipolar disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, chronic illnesses both new and old, sexual abuse-related compulsive behavior… sometimes there’s a bunch of crap going on. Sometimes only a few of these things are outright bothering me at a given moment.

Jeez, I had to come back and edit this post to add my mother’s death to the list. Tells you how well my brain is working.

Today has been full of headaches, fatigue and annoyances. Then out of nowhere…sexually compulsive behavior, fantasies of abuse and even as it was happening I just started crying, without tears. I wailed…I was so sad and maybe scared too. It felt like it was about something deeper, I just don’t know what. I mean I can figure out on my own that it concerns my uncle but the specifics elude me.

I just wanted to document this whole stupid day so maybe if I come to understand it in the future I can look back at this with some clarity.

Posted in Child Molestation, Incest, PTSD, Rape, Self-injury, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Validation Coming Out My Ears

This may be really brief or longer than I expect.

I got my photos. Many of you who have followed my writing for long time know that my mother had stolen pictures after my grandmother died…pictures that meant the world to me. After my mother also died, I needed to have those photos of my family back and it killed me that my stepfather had them and kept procrastinating on giving them to me. Fast-forward to last month, he sent them! I have them back after almost 20 years. It was like getting pieces of my soul back.

The picture of the uncle who molested me is also in there, even though my mother had told me it wasn’t. That was validation #1 because when I saw it, the photo looked exactly as it always has in my memory. I remembered it correctly. I remembered him correctly. I remembered his wife correctly. I can remember these things! The memories are in there! I’m not crazy (at least in this area haha).

Validation #2 might be weird to some people; it depends on your experience.

I’ve known for a while that something is wrong with me health-wise. It’s been extremely frustrating to have painful symptoms with no answers. This week however, I got a diagnosis because something finally showed up in tests. After I left the doctor’s office I was actually jubilant, relieved and yes, validated. I’m not crazy (in this area lol), it’s not in my head (I knew it wasn’t). Then after the high of finally knowing wore off, I got weird…depressed or freaked or something, but that’s okay because it’s a normal response. Strangely I wished my mom was alive so that I could tell her. She would have wanted to know…to understand why I’ve been getting worse. But she’s not alive.

Hmmm…longer post than I anticipated. I wanted to reach out to all of you…yes I’m still here, still writing and still occasionally over sharing haha.

Posted in dissociative identity disorder | 6 Comments


I had one of those days where something was bothering me but I didn’t realize something was bothering until way later.

It was innocuous. A friend told a story of how he defended his wife to someone who had been mean to her in the past. The key factor was that it involved a show of physical strength on his part, not really hurting this other man but, making it clear that with little effort he could and that he was doing it in defense of the woman he loves.

I have a very, very strong preoccupation with fantasies of being protected. I actually didn’t realize how strong it was until I got into a tv show where the male protagonist showed a fatherly, protective concern towards a young woman that was backed up with violence when necessary. I found myself fantasizing that this fictional man was a fictional version of myself ‘s father. That was a confusing sentence wasn’t it? I hope you can understand it anyway.

When I connected to this fictional person, I fantasized that if he had been my real father, he would have tortured my uncle into confessing what he did to me and then he would have killed him. It brought me comfort…fleeting comfort but comfort nonetheless.

Today when I heard my friend’s story…how he physically stood up for his wife because someone hurt her and that pissed him off…I felt…I don’t know what I felt because I thought I simply cheered at the thought but that wasn’t it. I was bothered underneath the surface all day but didn’t know I was bothered until I got home. A few hours after I got home I got really anxious and antsy and upset. I couldn’t figure out why, but the story kept coming back over and over and over. I finally get it…I think.

I feel sad. Really, really, really, really sad.

I want to cry so bad right now. I want someone to defend me. To hurt the one who hurt me. To stand up for me.

I think there’s something about having a male figure physically defend me that is attractive. Obvious father issues right? And it’s not sexist. I think in a good world, fathers would protect their daughters. And this isn’t really about my adult self. This is about little me who had no one to protect her.

It breaks my heart because I don’t know how it feels to have that kind of person stand up to someone who wants to hurt me and stop them. To physically stop them. I had to protect myself but I couldn’t. I was a child with no strength but my imagination and my imagination is where I stay.

Today has messed with my head.

Posted in Child Molestation, Incest, Multiple Personalities, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Sexual Abuse, Trauma | Tagged , , | 8 Comments