The title of this post isn’t instructional but it’s not an actual question either. I am hoping that at some point I’ll be able to give some sort of actual, helpful advice on this subject though, I’m just not there yet.
Where I am at is a point in my therapy I was not expecting to experience: having new alters/parts (I calls them parts now) constantly emerging in practically every therapy session, several times against my will. When it happens against my will, let me tell you, it is…unpleasant to say the least.
Having a voice not your own start to shout in your mind or begin to state strong opinions or bring forth intense emotions in your body and then to have what feels like an alien presence with a sensation of heavy cottonballs shove your main brain out of your body and take over your gestures, postures, body language, voice, mannerisms etc is not only jarring, it’s terrifying because it’s a huge lack of control over one’s own body.
The instinct in a situation like that is to fight back and try to have my core self stay in my body, stay in control but sometimes the new manifestation is too strong or it caught me off-guard by coming on so fast that I couldn’t do anything to prevent myself from getting shoved out or the other factor is, I need to let my parts express themselves so really I don’t want to prevent them from coming forward, introducing themselves and speaking their own truth. They’ve been quiet for decades, they deserve to speak right?
However, even my therapist would prefer that I as the core personality maintain co-consciousness while these new parts manifest, we just don’t know how to make that happen. I explained to her yesterday that there are two factors I’ve identified as obstacles to keeping me co-conscious during these abrupt transitions.
- I don’t know who these parts are in the first place. They’re a surprise. I can’t be co-conscious with a part I’ve never met before. I only become co-conscious with parts I’ve met.
- The new parts are very confused when they first manifest. They come out because of being triggered by our conversations;a question she asked, a way she phrased something, a scenario she put forward. When they come forward they can’t even always answer her when she asks how old they are because sometimes they don’t know in that moment, they’re too thrown off to have a grasp on who they are. They know they feel things. Some speak, some are mute. Co-consciousness with a part who is confused themselves when they first appear combined with point #1 makes that goal seemingly impossible. I don’t know.
I’ve had a child part manifest who came out and my therapist tried to speak to her and the part was mute because she choked on words that couldn’t come out of her throat. What the hell do you do with that out of nowhere?
When these new parts keeps coming forward now I’m experiencing rapid switching in-between, like changing tv channels but it many personalities in split seconds in my head, many that I’m not familiar with and they all have thoughts as they get passed by before the channel is settled on one person who comes out. That is also very disconcerting! I know if I went back, reversed that channel flipping, there are personalities there hiding in the darkness that I don’t know, and they have thoughts that I briefly brushed over as we were flipping through and so many were tumultuous or “negative” (nothing is really negative in therapy right?). I don’t know how to go back though. I only get that feeling when all that quick switching happens.
So. My therapist said she has some training coming up with an expert on DID. I love her because she’s worked in trauma for decades and DID for ages but she still goes to get trained on recent developments and to learn from others.
We’re going to work on co-consciousness still and being supportive of certain parts that are carrying heavy burdens to protect other parts (maybe I’ll get into that another time).
My blog answered nothing as I said it wouldn’t, wasn’t that fabulous?! So educational guys!
I’m still glad I wrote it. It reminded me of the benefits of blogging. Honestly it’s health that prevents me from blogging regularly not lack of interest. I’d love to get back to this more because I really do have plenty of content to write about. Waaaahhh. “Waaaaah” comes from reading to much manga and only people who read manga would understand what that means.
Alright everyone, I’m out for the moment. Hopefully back sooner rather than later.
Don’t let anyone make you feel like less than a person because of your past or your mental illness, that includes not letting yourself do that and that’s coming from a hypocrite like me. Hehe.