May was one of those months that just sucked, which is why I didn’t blog much. Thankfully I’ll finally be moving soon which will see me more settled.
But today’s blog isn’t about that, it’s about sex, coping and finding out you’re weird. Yeah I’m just jumping in and I’m hoping to get some feedback about idiosyncrasies you may have that directly relate to whatever has happened to you in the past.
My husband and I were being intimate the other night and without going into a ton of detail about what we were doing, I had a very, very strong, negative reaction to the whole thing.
I will detail my reaction though with the purpose of both sharing for you and for me. I’m betting at least some of my readers will relate, even if you don’t comment and hopefully my experience will help. But if you do choose to comment, I’m hoping to get a wider view of what’s normal for us.
I’ve had negative reactions to sex before but this was a doozy! And let me say right off the bat that my husband did nothing wrong.
Before we even started, immediately my head started floating away and I found myself staring at the ceiling, unable to move. The touch was so extremely unpleasant that my head started filling with voices and feelings wanting it to stop but I couldn’t speak or do anything. It was like having ten people in my head and body all having varying reactions that were all bad, but I remained still and silent on the outside.
I was totally confused because I didn’t know how to make things stop with my husband or what to do about my inner turmoil.
My chest area went numb like someone had given me lidocaine. It was so weird!
My therapist found all of my reactions informative: going very still and quiet, being afraid to make the person stop, staring at a fixed point, my head floating away, my body becoming numb…yeah even I see the implications. However, it’s very difficult to process these feelings and sensations without narrative memory to help.
My therapist calls these “feeling memories” and she tried to help me think of them as information.
I will briefly discuss something weird about boobs here so just throwing that out there.
Towards the end of our session I told her that both during therapy and with my husband, I felt odd sensations concerning my breasts. I hate my breasts being touched and I hate anything brushing against them, including my shirt. I mentioned to her that I sometimes wish I could get rid of them or bind them up so they can’t feel anything. I told her that I wear my bra 24/7 except for when I bathe, including sleeping in it. I always have since my first bra because I tried taking it off for bed and I couldn’t bear the feeling. Being in my bra keeps them…contained? So nothing touches them.
I did not realize how weird my behavior is until our session. My therapist had never known anyone who sleeps in her bra. Great. I’m weirder than usual.
So, my question is: do any of you have any idiosyncrasies related to your past, whether it was physical, emotional, mental or sexual abuse, or other trauma? Do you have a habit or ritual etc that you do, that is normal for you but not for other people?
Feel free to comment anonymously, I just would like to see how normal we all actually are by being “abnormal”. I bet many of us are similar by being different.