Hmmm…maybe I should explain something first


Alright, when I first started blogging which was literally a few days ago, i had no idea what I was doing and I just kind of jumped in and started talking without really setting up a foundation or anything. I figured this didn’t matter since I was the only person who would be reading it. Of course I still may be the only person who ever reads this but I feel like if I don’t put down a few important details I’ll come off like a whiny baby. Quick facts about me then:

  • I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for 9 years.
  • I’ve been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility 4 times.
  • I have also been diagnosed with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). 
  • In May 2010 I was diagnosed with DID which stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder (formally known as Multiple Personalities).

Yes I realize this should-be the first entry but I plead ignorance and sleepiness since I had started a new medication that made my brain fall out of my head and caused me to walk about in a foggy drug haze. I know I can only use that excuse every so often, so there’s one. My main reason for doing this is to talk to myself in a way (and no I don’t mean my alters) The DID diagnosis is new for me and I want to work that out and see how it affects being bipolar as well. There is going to be a bit of complaining here because I don’t like being “the complainer”. Every group has one sometimes more than one. The person who complains incessantly about everything like whatever happens to them is the worst thing to ever befall a human on planet Earth. Unfortunately I know a lot of people like that and in situations where they start-up like that I just sit quietly and let them complain and then I comfort then and cosset them, which is of course what they want. Yes I’m an enabler, but I have no idea what to do because these people are supposed to be my friends and I try to be a good friend which means listening to them when they need to talk and trying to make them feel better. The problem is that inevitability, my friends fail to be friends to me when I need them. This whole time when things have been getting bad and I needed someone I had no one to talk to except my therapist who is paid to listen to me. as I mentioned my husband is amazing and he has to deal with having a wife who is bipolar and has DID which was new for him too as we didn’t know I had these issues when we first got married. So, because he deals with a lot I try not to burden him with stuff, though in truth he handles things by trying to fix it, but a lot of this isn’t about fixing anything it’s about dealing with it and coping with it and unfortunately he’s not good for talking too about mental stuff or emotional stuff or whatever and God love him, he’s a complainer too which means no matter what I say he’s going to start complaining about something like his toe hurting and no I’m not being sarcastic. Enter the blog!

So I read up on blogging to see why people do it and since my computer is on  a lot (mostly because I’m too lazy to turn it off and turn it on over and over) I figured maybe blogging would be an alternative way for me to vent or talk or whatever. And it occurred to me that it’s about 100% likely that other people who have mental conditions are experiencing the same crap that I am when dealing with people like friends or family. I’m really tired of people who, when they hear you have a mental illness, saying ‘oh I’m like that all the time maybe I have it to hahaha’ because they think it’s funny when you say that while you’re manic you tend to shop excessively and spend way too much money without control and they think that since they like to shop, that makes them like you.

They fail of course to catch the rest of what you were trying to convey about being manic like the rage and irritability (that’s a good one ‘who’s not irritable’ they say) dangerous and reckless behavior like seeking confrontation with total strangers because you want to fight, having random unprotected sex because you just don’t care (that’s not one I experience but I know others do) or driving like a maniac (see the use of the word manic here?) because it’s fun. Of course they ignore the suicides or attempts by many people who are bipolar or who have DID. They ignore the cutting. They ignore losing hours or days or years of your life because you have Dissociative Amnesia. And I swear the commercials for antidepressants and others meds for stuff like this don’t help. They show people who are “sad” and have a “loss of interest'” and “fatigue” and we all know that those are some of the symptoms of depression etc. but those words don’t capture a tenth of what a person actually dealing with these illnesses feels. It’s like comparing indigestion to a heart attack. And then on the commercials the person takes whatever medicine is being touted, and suddenly they’re up and running around and playing with their kids and designing their fashion line and making corporate speeches! Tada! And every person who’s actually a human being watching these commercials who actually has that illness, can tell you that they’re full of crap. Don’t get me wrong, I believe in taking medication. I believe that meds can help people to cope better, it’s not that. But when non-sufferers watch that crap they say ‘Well everybody feels sad sometimes. What’s the big deal? These people are just whining. They just need to get off their butts.’ And don’t think that’s not true. I’ve seen it and heard it myself.

Alright, so enough with the blog entry that should have been the first blog entry. I just wanted this out there, for myself if I’m the only person who ever reads this and if not, then for the others who may read this later.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, fibromyalgia, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Social Security Disability, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Hmmm…maybe I should explain something first

  1. t says:

    write a comment
    close my eyes and count to 3
    hold my breath…
    click send
    panic and screams that make no sound!!
    until i hurt myself to stop the inside pain
    i want to say this is a place i belong…
    why am i so afraid?

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