So I’m going to post a bit about what my therapist and I talked about in Monday as far as goals and some things to think about in dealing with this. One long-term goal she’d like for me, is for me to be able to cry. I don’t cry at least not for myself. It’s weird I can cry when watching something sweet like a long-lost relative reunion show or Extreme Home Makeover when they help someone and it’s really moving. But when it comes to crying for myself it doesn’t happen. I can’t cry for me or about how I’m feeling. She says normal people cry and I should be able to cry and feel safe so we’re going to work on that. I’ve noticed that she focusing a lot on me “feeling safe” to experience emotions etc. I guess because it wasn’t safe when I was growing up. Also she gave me 4 steps to take care of feelings when I become aware of them, some of which, those of you who read this blog are familiar with yourselves:
- Label the feeling (sad,mad,scared or happy)
- Ask: what triggered it?
- Ask myself: is this a familiar feeling? And say to myself “it’s ok for me this, it’s normal”.
- Lastly: What do I need to do to take care of myself?
She says part of the problem is that I don’t know how to care of myself in the sense that I don’t know how nurture or comfort myself. I have to say that’s a really weird thought to me. It sounds weak like ‘Oh boo hoo I need comfort! Wawww I need nurturing!” It feels silly and I have no idea what she’s talking about. She said when I feel sadness I’m supposed to comfort myself in some way. She suggested thinking about what my grandmother would say to me if she were alive, but that was not good because something horrible happened to her that was very traumatic for me and when she said that I dissociated during the session. Anyway she had mentioned if I feel angry to ask myself if I need to talk to the person I’m angry with. That wouldn’t work because the person I’m usually angry with is the person who abused me. She said if I feel fear I need to find out what to do, which we’ll work on. We’ll be working on all these things and then some but she wants me to get to the point where I can tolerate feeling normal emotions without dissociating.
I’m curious about one particular aspect. For those of you in therapy, what is the goal of your therapist when it comes to DID? Is it integration of your personalities or is it co-consciousness instead? I’d love to hear from anyone on that subject.