Had a spurt of panic and shopping

No real reason to post this, just doing it because…

I had a bit of a panic attack today when I left the house, not pleasant and then I couldn’t make myself go home, I was too freaked out so I walked around Borders which I should never do because I can’t go to a bookstore without buying something, which of course I did.

It’s still really bothering me that people I consider close friends made fun of me on Saturday for having a mental illness. I don’t know why but it’s bothering me more the further away the incident gets. So weird! But it keeps coming back and I keep seeing the face of the friend who really went way over the top with it. She was just laughing and chuckling and I laughed quietly because I didn’t know what else to do, I was too surprised and really embarrassed and humiliated by it. And she just kept going and I didn’t understand why she would do that. Now it keeps replaying my head and I can’t make it stop and when I think about it, it makes me want to cry a little. My therapist would say “hold on to that feeling for a moment and allow yourself to feel it and say to yourself :it’s ok to feel this feeling.” but I don’t want to. I think it will lead to other feelings and I’m too tired for that. I’m feeling a lot of what can only be described as self-loathing. My weight went up and I don’t know why, which threw me but I’m hoping it’s an anomaly that will resolve itself in a few days. Some other person I know made a comment about me not working (I’m on Social Security Disability) and how I’m not doing anything all day so I should be able to help her with something she wanted. She’s supposed to a friend sort-of, and of course that’s bothering me now too.

This turned into a longer post than I intended…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, depersonalization, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, Social Security Disability, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Had a spurt of panic and shopping

  1. castorgirl says:


    I often get that ruminating type reaction – where the incident bothers more the further you get away from it. But, I totally understand why it would be bothering you. To be invalidated, stigmatised and put-down by a person you trust as a friend is difficult and hurtful. The thing to remember is that her reaction says more about her than it does you. She may have had issues regarding mental health that you don’t know about… quite often people over-react when they are at their most uncomfortable.

    For the record, I agree with your therapist… it is ok to feel those feelings. It’s totally natural and to be expected.

    Isn’t the reason your on disability because there are times when you can’t do things? Even things you really want to do? So, I know this is easy for me to say, but try to keep your boundaries happening around what you can and can’t do. Don’t feel pressured into doing something that isn’t good for you in the long term.

    Sending positive thoughts,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yea, keeping boundaries is a problem. With this particular person, my initial reaction was what it always is: “Ok, sure I’ll do it!”, because that’s how I always react when someone asks me to help them with something. I’m wrong to do it quite often because as you said there is a reason I’m on Disability, and I pay for it later. My problem with people like her (and there are a lot of people like her) is that they don’t understand why I can’t do something they think is easy. They don’t understand that staying home and not working isn’t a choice for me. So they see me as having all kinds of free time because I don’t have to work like they do. So if I say “no”, I get “the look” like I’m so lazy they can’t believe it or “Well, I never! Hummph!”. So then I feel awful, like a loser and useless. I want to defend myself but I can’t launch into that kind of explanantion with someone who could never understand it because they don’t believe in this stuff. They think everyone gets depressed etc. so I’m no different from anyone else. You know what I mean.

  2. roseroars says:

    I don’t know what to say about the people who did that to you. I know what I want to say, but I don’t want to hurt your feelings again, and I don’t know these women personally so I won’t judge. Sometimes (often) people joke about what they don’t understand. You know that, I’m sure.

    Do you have any anti-anxiety medication? Walking around Borders was a good idea, but yeah, you really can’t go there without buying something.

    How are you feeling today?


    • CimmerianInk says:

      I’m curious why saying what you want to about them would hurt my feelings? *confused*
      Anyway, as far as the medication goes, if the panic continues to be a problem I will absolutely talk to my p-doc about it. I have some Xanax he gave me a while ago but I don’t know if I’m supposed to take since there have been some medication changes since then. It was kind of something he prescribed but I never got around to taking because I ended up in the hospital (for a non-psych reason) and just plain forgot about it.

      • roseroars says:

        Oh, it made me angry and I wanted to say nasty things about those people, that’s all.

        I love Xanax *sigh*. Some days it’s my bestest friend in the whole world, although I am weaning myself off of it a bit. Now I can go several days without taking it. And hey, tell your pdoc that if the most prescribed psychiatric medication in the US why can’t you have some, too? Oh never mind. I just returned from therapy so I’m gonna go hide behind the couch for the rest of the day…

        You sound better today. Good!

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Welcome back from therapy, I hope going to hide behind the couch isn’t because you had a rough session? 😦
        If you are hiding behind the couch, did you at least make it into a fort? Dark spaces can be comforting, so I hope it works for you if that’s what you’re looking for. I hide in my closet so I’m totally taking you seriously. 😀

      • roseroars says:

        I did try to hide but they found me. It was a rough session, but a good one.

  3. roseroars says:

    Mornin’n CI! I was wondering how you are doing lately, so I thought I’d check in with you.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey Lisa,
      I was thinking the same about you. I have therapy today. I don’t know if you get pre-therapy jitters sometimes? 🙂 It’s not until much later but…
      I did my therapy homework which was to right about How I was feeling when I was 17 yrs. old. I don’t know why she wanted me to do that but I’m wondering if it has something to do with her meeting “an angry 17 yr. old” last session. If so I’m wondering what she’s hoping to accomplish with me writing about it?
      I haven’t been able to look at myself in the mirror. I do a quick glance to make sure there’s nothing stupid on my face, but I never look directly at my face as a whole. I can’t do it. Every time I see myself I feel disgusted and repulsed. Can’t really do anything about it though.
      My husband made a comment on Saturday. We were joking about something and he said something like ‘I swear if you ever throws pots or pans at me, I’m gone’. *laugh* That was no big deal because it fit with whatever dramatic silliness we were talking about (funny that I can’t remember the specifics of what we were talking about). Anyway I said “I’d never do that, that’s not who I am”. And I smiled and rolled my eyes. Then the bad thing happened. My husband said “Well your mother did it.” And I…I can’t even say how I felt. He knows that comparing me to my mother is literally the worst thing you could ever do to me, unless you’re saying that I’m the complete opposite of her. I was shocked and I asked him how he could say something like that to me, implying that I could be like her! He was like ‘Oh calm down, I didn’t mean it that way’. I said ‘what do you mean you didn’t mean it that way!? How did you mean it?’ etc, etc… He said he wasn’t comparing me to her and I said why else would you say “Well your mother did it”? That’s saying that if she was that way then I could be too! He then says “Stop being so sensitive”. I said something about ‘why would you say that!, how could you say I’m being sensitive when you know I’m in therapy for what she did to me!?”. At that point I pulled out. I could feel it happening and at some point I could hear him talking to me but I just couldn’t get a grasp enough to come back. I couldn’t move my arms or anything and I was just there but far away. I came back eventually but at first I wasn’t really fully back and he could tell. He told me to do what my therapist said to do, to ground myself. So I kind of robotically did it and finally came all the way back. Yeesh!
      LOL aren’t you glad you asked! 😀
      How are you doing today? How was your weekend? Did you go back behind the couch? I saw your list btw and I agree with you! I need to go over your suicidal ideation trigger post again though. You always give me things to consider and think about in a different way. Personally I’m glad you’re being honest. I don’t think a therapist has the right to get hurt feelings. They’re the therapist, they’re the professional. As their patients/clients it’s our job to be honest so they can help us. If we lie in therapy there’s no point in going. We’ve lied our whole lives. Part of the point is to stop having to live a lie. Seriously though, I worry about you even though I so very completely understand your self-destructive feelings. Are you in a different place now (mentally)?

      • roseroars says:

        Well, I have actually thrown pans, silverware, and mugs at my husband, but I was kind of watching myself as the angry part (now that I realize this) did the throwing. It wasn’t pretty. I think husbands don’t realize that some of the things they say or do may trigger us.

        I’m glad you like the list! That was fun.

        I agree about the living a lie, and I feel it’s important to be honest with my therapist and psychiatrist, but I’m afraid they will put me away someday. I’m not ready to write about where I am right now, but it ain’t purty. Not sure what to do about that yet.

        Thanks for responding. Perhaps we will see another post from you soon?


      • CimmerianInk says:

        Yea I’ll be posting something today most likely as I have therapy and there’s always something to say after that 🙂
        I’ve been trying to understand how I’ve been feeling lately and I wasn’t quite able to process it enough to post about it. We’ll see how interesting today is.
        As for your fears of being put away, I’m trying to remember if you’ve been hospitalized in a psych ward before? I’ve been in 4 times and it’s going to sound horrible but it gave me peace to get my head together because no one was bothering me anymore and I could just be as crazy as I wanted to be. I don’t remember all of it but at the time I needed it. Expressing suicidal thoughts will alert your doctor and therapist to trouble but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t tell them how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking. Being hospitalized doesn’t mean being “put away”. If you’re having trouble and you need to go some place to get help it’s usually for about 3 days. Let me say I don’t mean you should go for no reason, I’m just trying to encourage you to be honest and not to be afraid.

      • roseroars says:

        I have only visited a psych ward, but never have been admitted to one. Not sure what to do. I understand what you’re saying, though.

        I hope it went well at therapy today.

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