Feeling like a faker. Am I in denial?


After yesterday’s therapy and the whole ‘your angry side has a name’ thing, I started thinking maybe I’m just faking this!? It seems impossible that this whole DID thing is real for me. What I mean is, I absolutely, whole-heartedly, 100% believe DID is real, absolutely no doubts, but I’m wondering if somewhere inside of me I’m just a big liar. Maybe I’m faking this. What is my problem? Why am I thinking this? After my therapist told me about Nicole *yeech* I’m still not comfortable saying that, I got in the car with my husband (he drove me yesterday) and I was completely done, I just wanted a break from therapy for a few weeks. This morning I just want to ask her questions about what I’m thinking. It seems unreal that I would have both Bipolar Disorder and DID but let me explain why I say that. I am completely sure that I’m Bipolar. I’m so familiar with it that I can see clear and distinct differences from what happens when being bipolar is affecting me and when I’m dissociating. I’ve read about people confusing rapid-cycling with switching, I think Lisa “Rose Roars” 🙂 mentioned that her husband thinks that about her. When I’m feeling the effects of bipolar disorder which is about 97.9% of the time, when things happen I am fully cognizant and fully aware of it. I know where I am and what’s going on, even if I’m manic, it’s very clear to me what’s happening even if I can’t do anything about it. I can be around someone who is very energetic and excited and I can feel myself responding and I know the mania is being triggered. Now whether I care about it or not is a totally different matter, but I am fully aware of who I am etc. I don’t lose time or anything like that. It’s the same with the bipolar depression. Now, when I dissociate which I accept that I do because it is all too obvious and proven that I have lost chunks of time and I’ve personally experienced depersonalization and derealization. So I accepted quite some time ago that my psychiatrist was right about my having a Dissociative Disorder. I get that, I accept that. The DID thing is throwing me because…I don’t know why…

I think one reason is that even though I have said a hundred times that your mental illness does not define you (and I do believe that) I think I’ve been fooling myself because up to a point being bipolar is part of how I define myself. I’m not saying that I go around saying “Hey I’m bipolar”! What I mean is that for me it’s like being tall and having brown eyes: it’s part of who I am. And now here comes DID and its like ‘Aha! You thought you knew all about yourself but you don’t’! And this little gremlin is sticking it’s tongue out at me. I have no idea what’s going on. I keep thinking about people who make up illnesses because they’re liars and I just keep questioning myself and what kind of person I am. Am I a liar? I don’t think so…I try very hard to be very honest (without hurting other people of course). I know for a certainty what happened to me in my life and in my childhood. That is not the question or the issue. It’s my supposed response to these events and circumstances that I’m questioning. *UGH!* I am so frustrated right now! I hate not having a handle on what’s going on with me. I woke up this morning and I felt bipolar which is so very normal to me (my eyes open and I’m immediately depressed with a pinch of despair and hopelessness followed by a quick rush of anticipation at the idea of spending money to get out of the house, followed quickly by depression again and sadness) that is a normal day for me. I’m fully aware and very, very present. It’s not pleasant of course, it’s the opposite and it’s awful but it’s also what I expect. This other thing…I don’t know… I’m not saying that I’m fully present all day because I’m not but…I don’t know what I’m saying. Do I lose time? Yes. Do I experience Derealization and Depersonalization? Yes. Have I been diagnosed with PTSD? Yes. Do I dissociate? Yes. Am I bipolar? Yes. Can I truly have both of these disorders? That’s the question. It seems over the top to me, like no one can have two disorders like that at the same time. I’m starting to freak out and I’m starting to panic I have to stop writing

Update: Ok I came back after the panic attack. I just got off the phone with my psychiatrist and he was good enough to call in a prescription for Ativan for me. He’s really great. I haven’t taken it in years but he knows I have a lot of good sense when it comes to medications and he said as long as I’m not taking it frequently it would be ok, because if you take it too often you build up a tolerance to it. So, I’ll pick that up later today.

Advertisements

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, Social Security Disability, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Feeling like a faker. Am I in denial?

  1. meredith says:

    I always thought I remembered my childhood very clearly… and I did. Then, I learned that I had more than one facet to my childhood. Sigh.

    Time is your best friend, right now. Time’s best friend… Revelation. There’s the glitch.

    Your frustration, your confusion, and all the general mayhem can make a mess of your logic so the best question to ask yourself, at times like this is, “But why would I use such amazing creativity to put together a deal like this unless I was writing horror novels?”

    So let it ride when you start to argue with your own mind. It takes less energy. 🙂

    ~meredith~

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I see where you’re going: why make something like this up? I think I’m literally questioning who I am inside, which kind of makes sense considering the situation, but it’s like I need someone outside to tell me who I am. Weird right?

  2. roseroars says:

    I wonder if there are different parts inside that are questioning the DID diagnosis, or are feeling overwhelmed. You sound pretty normal (as far as normal goes with this) to me. Those are valid questions to ask yourself or even your therapist.

    (Every time I sit down to comment the kids have another disaster. I’ll try to get back later.)

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Haha I know, what’s normal right? To your point, if there are different parts inside of me, which I’m suddenly having trouble accepting, how could I accept that they may be questioning the diagnosis or feeling overwhelmed? I’d have to believe it first right?

  3. Moderator says:

    Hi there,

    This is a wonderfully candid post (and blog!). I run a non-profit website called SOS: Sisterhood of Strength (http://sisterhoodofstrength.wordpress.com). I publish artwork and writing by women who live with mental illness. I would be very interested in you contributing a piece for the site. I’m very flexible in what I accept – fiction, non-fiction essays, poetry, photography – you see what I mean.
    If you think this is something you’d like to do, please visit my website or contact me at sisterhoodofstrength at gmail dot com. Thanks so much!

    Sandhya

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s