Extremely bothered…my abuser wants to see me


While I’ve been busy this week as I said in the last post, I got a chance to check my email. It was very strange because on Thursday night I had a dream that I was here at the fun event I’m attending and I look up and suddenly my mother (the abuser) and my step-father (not an abuser just part of the mother package) are standing there. They’ve followed me here (in my dream which of course is now a nightmare). I’m sure this is because in real-life, my mother did follow me to another state when I moved away after getting married. I couldn’t get away from her and she still lives in the same city as me. So anyway, I had this horrible dream and it proved to be a premonition in a sense because, the next morning I checked my email and she has written me saying “Hello, when can I see you? just want to visit and see my girl.” Needless to say I am beyond disturbed, especially because the language she used like “my girl”, is so very out-of-character that it creeps me out more than it usually would. We did not and do not have that kind of relationship. I am in no way “her girl”. I hate her more than any other person on this earth. And I think she knows it. We didn’t say I love you, or hug or any of that crap. There was screaming and yelling and hitting and cursing and fear and walking on eggshells and hatred, but not this crap, so I don’t know what she’s pulling. She hasn’t contacted me in quite a while and I was finally breathing a little easier thinking that maybe she got the message and would never bother me again (of course I should know better) and then, there she is and I got all panicky and sick in my stomach. My bipolar mind took the words in the email that I quoted and started an actual visual circle in my head with the words turning round and round in a circle constantly. The words keep intruding on my thoughts even though I’m supposed to be having a good time. I dreamed about again last night. I don’t know what to do because, she doesn’t know about the DID, it would be the whole “that never happened” or “you were always too sensitive as a child” or “the reason you think something happened is because you have this mental illness, it’s not my fault, it’s affected your memory”. If I see her, she will force me to hug her for a long time which makes me physically ill and she’ll run her hands all over me and gush about seeing “her baby” and she’ll have that crazy look in her eyes that’s practically fanatical. I’ll have to hear the whole “I never get to see my baby” crap. Just for the record, she did not sexually abuse me (that happened once with a different relative). It was very physical, emotional, verbal and also actual neglect. It’s strange that even though she abused me, she’s also obsessed with me and refuses to see that I want nothing to do with her. She only sees what she wants to see and whatever animosity she sees from me she blames on my being bipolar, which makes it so much worse. I’m feeling really upset and I don’t feel like confrontation and I don’t want to hear her voice on the phone and do not want to see her! I can’t do this right now! I feel like crying but of course I won’t. It’s funny because I thought I would have nothing to talk about at therapy on Monday after having fun this week, but apparently I am so very, very wrong…

I don’t know what to do…

Why can’t one of my alters make themselves useful!? I don’t understand how they help me if they don’t help me! It feels like I want to cry again, which I still won’t do, so I’d better go…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Extremely bothered…my abuser wants to see me

  1. castorgirl says:

    First off, I’m really glad you had a good week… 🙂

    But, just wow… The language your mother uses is wrong, wrong, wrong. It’s a good way to trigger you into feeling inferior, young and as if she has a hold over you. Remember that she doesn’t! You are a grow woman with wicked mad skills, strength, courage and intelligence.

    Can you write a response that is fair and firm about your boundaries regarding contact with her? Get help with the email if you want to.

    Don’t look for validation from her, it will never come unless she receives help and becomes self-aware. Look for validation from your memories and those around you.

    I understand the abuse/obsession dynamic… it’s a toxic mix.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts,
    Take care,
    CG

  2. roseroars says:

    I’m not sure what to say. Yesterday I got a letter from my abuser and I’m still reeling from it and popping Xanax like candy. What she said was wrong, wrong, wrong. All I can think of are projectile missles, poison blow darts, and arsenic. I’m so sorry that happened. Be strong and be honest with yourself and what you want for your life.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thanks to all you guys for your comments. I’ll be back from the conclusion of my event tonight. Luckily I have therapy tomorrow. so, I’m sure I’ll have something to post on Monday. In the mean time if anyone has any thing else to say or suggest keep commenting.

  3. Meredith says:

    It really is a weird thing how absentee, abusive mothers dismiss their behavior. I can’t handle it, and no one is welcome to come see me. If they resent being kept at arm’s length… tough. I have enough on my plate without being resented for having “mental issues…”

    I’m sorry you have to live in the same proximity.

    Sending you an invisible, protective force shield.
    ~meredith~

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