Still staying in the house

My greatest desire right now is to stay in the house for at least the next week. Of course I will not be able to do that but I can wish. One of my alters, I’m assuming the 8-year old I don’t know much about, did some coloring in the I bought. I mentioned before that I’d had a strong compulsion to buy a coloring book and crayons and that when I went to the store it was as if someone else was guiding me to the right books. Some books were rejected immediately because they didn’t like them and they knew what crayons they wanted immediately. Interesting. Anyway, the coloring looks exactly the way it did when I was a kid. I had a very particular way of coloring and that was exactly the way these were done. There was some sort of internal sense of satisfaction after the coloring though so maybe that’s good? Still not sleeping well despite increasing the Seroquel. I think it’s stress. I may have another health issue and I have to wait a while to see the blood test results. I hate waiting. On a lighter note my therapist and I started going over the results of Myers Briggs test and I’m a little more introverted than I thought. We think it’s because my husband is so very introverted, that in social situations I can pull out my extrovert and use it to socialize. I think being bipolar doesn’t hurt because I can be activated by being around certain people and I’ve been called, get this…charming lol! Ha! They have no idea how much is either faking because I have to or faking because I’m manic. That makes it complicated because I don’t know who I really am. Who would I be if I didn’t have to fake and if I wasn’t bipolar? Maybe the personality test is a good thing. Anyway my type ended up being, INTJ: Introverted Intuition with Thinking and Judgement with the introvert scale only slightly on the introvert side meaning I kind of ride the line between introvert and extrovert. My therapist asked me what I agreed with on the evaluation and what I didn’t agree with. We both agree that the introvert comes out a lot by the way I process. I process things internally. I think it out inside and I only say something about my conclusions if I need to. That’s dead on. She said even my writing and blogging show this because I’m internally processing and using writing to do that. Extroverts like to talk to people to figure things out, they process things through conversation with others. That is not me. It also has to do with the fact that was alone so much growing up through neglect and other things. Now I need to be alone, quite a bit actually or I start losing it. My therapist nailed that one right away without me saying anything. I had to laugh because the results say that I am the most stubborn and independent of all types because I’m so sure I’m right! I disagreed on that and my therapist sided with me in the sense that I do listen to other people’s input and it is possible to change my mind but, only if a person’s reasoning is sound and logical. Maybe that is stubborn lol! Oh my god my mother is calling me on the phone at this very second! What the hell is she calling me for!? We haven’t spoken in a very long time. That means I’ll have to hear her voice on the message and that will ruin the rest of my day. I can’t hear her voice without getting ill. See how your whole day can change in an instance? Crap.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
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11 Responses to Still staying in the house

  1. roseroars says:

    I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m also sorry that you’re mother called. Can your husband listen to message instead? Do you have something planned for the day?


    • CimmerianInk says:

      How’s this for stupid: I listened to the message which started with a “we’re moving to…” at which point I said “Please God, say they’re moving acoss the country!” and then the message continued to say they are only moving to a different city about an 1 and 1/2 hours away and they are still keeping the house here! Remember that they followed me out here after I got married so them moving far, far away is the next best thing for me besides her spontaneously combusting. I actually felt a millisecond of pity, she sounded so pathetic and I thought how horrible it would be to have an only chld who won’t speak to you. Yea I can’t believe it either. She’s very effective at the poor me routine and sounding pitiful. Classic manipulation. I know that now, but at the time I felt bad enough to call her back (yea I know duh!) and thank god she didn’t answer, so I left a message saying I got her message and I said ‘Thanks for telling me, I’ll save the address in my contacts, bye’ and I left it at that. Then I realized I had probably been manipulated and I was annoyed at myself. I realized that even during her message she pulled a classic ‘My Mother’ maneuver which is, ‘Woe is me! My health is so bad! My poor body!’ etc. Which annoyed me seriously. Her health problems are her own fault because she eats crap and sits on her ass all day.
      My health problems are a combination of bad genes, unfortunate accidents and the fact that she did drugs while she was pregnant with me. Biggest difference? I don’t complain about it. My blog is the only place I say anything about that kind of stuff to anyone besides my husband and even with him I don’t say much. Jeez that turned into a rant, sorry! I’m going to try to forget she called. Thanks for the concern Lisa! 🙂

      • roseroars says:

        Rant away! My mother is manipulative, too. It would make me feel dirty after I realized she had used me again, so I would read her messages to hubby first before responding. Now I can see it, hear it, and read it, and am in control. That took years, though. Lately my mother is into “Your uncle lost his job and is having heart surgery in the same week!”, and “Your sister just got out of the hospital for her stomach-thing!”. First, whoop-de-shit about uncle, and second, my mother is an RN. What is a stomach-thing? Maybe I should call and find out……….Ahhhh! That is her plan! Silly me!

        It’s probably all she has, so she’ll use it as long as she thinks it works for her, and whether it hurts anyone or not.

        So, rant away here. Get it out of your system. There are people here who really relate, care, and listen. That’s more then you may ever get from your mother, and yeah, you can go and grieve about that because I’m crying, too. Love ya.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Love you too! 🙂 Thank you for talking about your manipulative mother. In a weird way it’s kind of nice to know that it’s a common feature with these kind of people. And you’re right they use it as long as it works. We’ll have to see if my calling her and leaving a message has it’s normal effect which is opening the floogates of hell. If I give her any opening she usually takes it and goes nuts with it, emails, calls etc. Have you ever noticed how self-centered abusers tend to be? It’s always them whining about something. We’re the ones that got hurt and it’s still about them. Bunch of narcissists. Hence the need for blogs right!? Here we can vent and complain, and comfort and do anything we want. What did people do before the internet, jeez!

  2. roseroars says:

    Hmmm….before the Internet? Yes, that would be the direct manipulation, destruction of personal items, backstabbing, two-faced, and actual physical manifestation of said abuser. I don’t know which way is any better, or that it matters anymore. It’s important to be aware and move beyond being under their manipulation, I guess.

    Do you have a plan just in case she does call back? Like enough ammunition?


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Ha! I’m hoping a big 18 wheeler comes along and takes care of everything for me. Otherwise it’s avoidance again until she gets the message not to call back. Oh if only I were brave enough to let my angry alter take care of it by telling her off. Even though from what I understand the last person Nicole would be herself with would be our mother. It seems alters don’t help much when you’re actually around the person who did all the damage.

  3. castorgirl says:

    You’re comment about Nicole telling your mother off reminded me of when I was in hospital once, and Frank (a REALLY angry one) came forward and ripped into my then husband verbally… called him every name under the Sun and said that if we were able to move, my husband would be in big trouble… *sigh*… if only I could remember it… Unfortunately the only witnesses were the husband, the nurse supervising me and Frank (who took the memory away with him).

    I’m sorry about the contact from your mother… Good on you for seeing the manipulation for what it is, and getting some basic care strategies in place – letting it go to message is a good one, just remember to delete the message so that different parts don’t listen to and get confused.

    It’s your blog, feel free to rant… Although I don’t think what you’ve done here is rant… more venting than ranting. Venting is good and healthy 🙂

    I’m hoping for a train for my parents…

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hmmm..I’m not ranting yet? I’ll have to work up to it.
      Actually your comment on Rose Roars about minimizing abuse reminded me of what my therapist keeps telling me. She keeps saying how badly I was abused, but when I read your blog or Rose Roars or other people’s stories, I go back to my early therapy statements that “It wasn’t that bad”. You said that you’ve done the same thing with your abuse. How do you get around that kind of thinking?

      • castorgirl says:

        I still make comparisons, especially when I’m feeling young and vulnerable… But I’m getting better at not minimising what happened – that’s what the comparisons are for me, ways to minimise what I went through. It’s not so much about me experiencing less abuse than another blogger, but more about not making a fuss about it all, minimising and not doing that dreaded phrase – “attention seeking”!

        I stand by what I said on Lisa’s blog… it doesn’t matter if it’s one event, or many. One instance of abuse is one too many. You have been reliably diagnosed as experiencing DID, that means that what happened to you was horrific. Was it “worse” than what someone else experienced? I don’t know, and I don’t care. Because all that matters is YOU! YOU were hurt. YOU are now healing from that hurt. I care about you. I care about whether you are ok or not. That’s what is important.

        Take care,

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Have I told you lately how awesome you are?! 🙂
        I see what you mean about the purpose of minimizing what happened. I was physically abused throughout my childhood all the way until I moved out of the house when I was free. I know it wasn’t good. I know that it wasn’t right. And it pisses me off royal when people complain about their parents irritating them over little minor things but they tell you how cool their parents were or how much love is in their family. I absolutely try very hard not to be a whiny baby. It’s important to me not to be “that person”. On the blog of course I can say more than I would otherwise. I guess when I read about other people’s experiences it makes me feel like I’m a weak person because I developed DID when other people with DID have so much more reason for it than I do.

  4. castorgirl says:

    You know there are other DIDers who developed DID without CSA, don’t you? One person I can think of immediately is David Rochester – Quotidian Vicissitudes. He doesn’t talk about DID on his blog, but you may want to contact him??? I know he’s really busy, so don’t be offended if he doesn’t respond immediately.

    And… ummm, again… You had reason for developing DID as your coping mechanism. The little bits of your life that you’ve shared with us here, show that. Try not to judge yourself too harshly… you’re awesome, and a friend… I don’t like it when people aren’t nice to my friends 🙂

    Take care,

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