Very disconnected

I made an apple crumble/crisp yesterday. It involved peeling about eight apples and making a crust out of flour, brown sugar and butter and then making a custard topping on the stove with egg yolks and heavy whipping cream. The weird thing is that I barely felt myself making it. I didn’t feel my hands or arms or legs as I walked around the kitchen. I made the whole thing. I’ve never made one from scratch before, but I didn’t feel the presence of any alters so I can’t say that someone who can bake did it for me lol. I’m walking around and sitting without feeling anything. I’m typing this but my body feels nothing. I’m aware that I feel physical pain (normal muscle aches) but it’s very peripheral. I can’t really feel my body. It’s not numb it’s almost…hollow? That’s the best word I can use. It’s almost like I’m walking around without the trunk of my body. I have legs and arms which I can’t feel but I know that they’re there. But the middle of my body is just gone. I know that makes no sense but I’ve been like this for a while despite my “fun” post yesterday. I have therapy today and I’m going to talk to my therapist about my trust in her statements and I how it screwed me up for a week. I’m afraid though because I don’t want her to get mad at me and I don’t want to offend her. She’s never gotten mad at me or offended but I’m still scared because I need her. I’ve been with her since 2001 and I don’t want to make her mad and have her drop me as a client. I can’t really imagine her ever doing that but I’m still scared. The fears are baseless but I don’t like having to bring this up with her. I’m not sure how to word the effect her statements had on me. She needs to know that she can’t state absolutes about sexual abuse when I have no memories to back those statements up. I won’t accept those statements and now I doubt my own images and thoughts because I’m afraid that she planted an idea in my head and now my imagination will  take over. I did have two images in my head and I knew one of them felt wrong like it wasn’t mine. It kept bugging me and I was compelled to figure out the source of the image as I refuse to investigate images that aren’t mine. I thought really hard about it and I thought about where this particular image could have come from and I remembered a book I read when I was younger: “I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings”. God I wish I had never read that book years ago. Anyway, I found the excerpt I was looking for online and I re-read it (so horrible to have to read it again) but I needed to know if that was the source of the image. When I read it said “Aha! There it is!” It seemed correct to my mind that I had pictured this image when I read this chapter so I figured I had found the source and I let that image go. So, now that I traced the source of an image and I feel satisfied that I’m right, I’m wondering about the other image. It’s actually what I call a “video” because it’s not a single image it’s an action being done. This one I can’t trace to an outside source and when I first saw this in my mind I had a strong reaction to it. I didn’t have that reaction to the other image. So now I’m wondering if, since I was able to trace one image to a satisfactory conclusion, perhaps since I can’t trace this one, it’s correct or should I say real? The problem is that the perspective in this image is wrong as I couldn’t have seen myself from this point-of-view, so that’s a problem. I will talk about it in therapy but only if I can re-establish trust in her thoughts and conclusions. She has apologized in the past when she realized that she had pushed me too fast on something once which I appreciate, so it’s not like she always thinks she’s right. She may realize that she made an error, we’ll see.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Toxic Parents, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Very disconnected

  1. roseroars says:

    1. I loooove anything involving apples. Except pandowdy. I don’t know why early Americans came up with that one.

    2. Try not to push yourself too hard. If there is anything to remember your brain will let you know. Relax…breathe….eat the crisp…drink some milk…

    If you feel comfortable writing about it, please let us know how therapy went. I’ll be thinking about you.

  2. roseroars says:

    This blog post made me think about part of what you wrote today, as well as earlier posts, especially right after your DID diagnosis.

    I don’t think it pertains EXACTLY to you, it just has many elements that you have brought up.

  3. I'm DID & so am I says:

    I think if a person doesn’t really feel they were making apple crisp, the calories are void!

    I’ve had days like that. Autopilot. Try not to worry too much about offending your therapist. They’re thick skinned.


    • roseroars says:

      “I think if a person doesn’t really feel they were making apple crisp, the calories are void!” – That is 100% true in my reality as well!

      I hope you’re feeling better, CI.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Then it’s agreed: if you make something or eat something bad for you, it doesn’t count if you were dissociating while you did it! lol
        How can we get that to apply when we’re not dissociating? 🙂 Thanks for asking, therapy went well and I’ll post about it too. How are YOU feeling these days? I’m glad you got to rant (it wouldn’t let me comment on it, I could only click that I “Liked” it to show my support) and I read about your dream. How are you today?

    • CimmerianInk says:

      lol thanks jo! And you’re right she was fine. I’m going to post about the session soon.

  4. L says:

    I have felt like you too but my whole body has felt disconnected apart from my head. I assumed that was dissociation. I have also felt “hollow” or “empty”. A feeling of nothingness – just existing (very hard to describe). That happened to me after a traumatic event but disappeared the next day (thankfully).
    Re your therapist, many people were angry with mine when I told them she was certain it was SAB. Regardless, I simply told her in a laughing type of way to make light of the situation when we discussed it again that “I know you think it happened but I can’t believe it until I see images in my head and not dreams”. If she brings it up again I make light of it and say “I know, I know, but you know I can’t”. I take what I like and leave the rest when a counsellor tells me something for I have learnt that what they say is not gospel.
    Hope you are well! 🙂

    • CimmerianInk says:

      My therapist and I talked yesterday and I’m going to post about it today. It went well and thank you for sharing your experiences as well. It’s hard to reconcile things when we don’t have “proof”. I’m going to talk about that in my post too. 🙂 Typically when I feel Depersonalization (don’t you love all these fancy words they have for this stuff!), it’s my whole body, this one was a little different than usual and I think making that apple crisp while feeling that way just threw me lol!

  5. roseroars says:

    Thanks for asking. It sucks trying to follow doctor’s orders, so I hurt today, but I’ll be good so it doesn’t happen again.

    I closed comments on my ranting post because I was furious with myself, but needed to write it out publicly.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Ah, I see! I totally get the rant thing, I just wanted to make sure you knew that you were heard. I’m glad you got it out, good for you! You rock and you can rant all you want! 🙂 And yes it’s a bitch when you do somethng you’re not supposed to do and you hurt later and yes it does tend to teach us to listen when the doctor says ‘Don’t do so and so’ etc. I’m sorry you’re hurting though, please be careful with yourself. 🙂 *hug*

  6. castorgirl says:

    Didn’t you know… if the biscuit is broken, it doesn’t contain any calories 🙂 They escape when it’s broken. My workmates tell me this, as they sit there snapping bisucits in half.

    Go gently… the depersonalisation is a sign you’re feeling the stress.

    Take care,

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