So, I had therapy yesterday and I immediately brought up my issues with last week’s session. I was so scared! I didn’t want to offend her and I didn’t know how she’d react even though I should have considering how long we’ve been working together. I think my mental conditioning has made me think that if I tell someone how I really feel about something they did, they will leave me or get angry with me so, I hesitate to tell the truth about how I feel. I had to tell her though because I need her but I also have to be able to trust her. I told her how I felt after I left last week and my problem with her stating absolutes about what could have happened to me sexually, without any proof or backup from my own mind and my own memories. She apologized and explained how her communication method differs from the way that I process things. I may not explain this correctly. I’m summing up things in my own way and not quoting her at all. You kind of had to be there to get the context and tone of her words, so this may sound like she didn’t explain herself or apologize etc. but she did, promise. She explained that she was listening to what I was saying and especially to how my body was feeling and going on intuition and experience from her years treating people who have been sexually abused. She said that she didn’t mean for me to take everything she said as absolute she was just trying to get me to expand my thoughts and take into account my body memories too . To take into account my own intution and not just my logic. The body memories were a big thing for her. She said that paying attention to my body was also important. When I told her about how I felt physically when I talked about what he did, she went with her intuition and experience to deduce a possible explanation for what I felt. Then she explained what she meant. *Sexual* :
You see it was a very important sticking point to me that there had been no contact with my flesh. That point stops me from thinking that I was sexually abused. I don’t accept it because he kissed me on my panties, it’s as simple as that. She said that based on my information and thoughts about how my body felt when he kissed me between the legs and the body memories that I have now, she deduced that he made enough contact to cause the arousal I felt and feel now. That’s why she had said that she was sure there had been flesh contact. But, she clarified yesterday and expanded on what she meant. She said that she felt that in order for me to experience the arousal I felt, he would have had to applied enough…how do I put it…no that’s not it… he would have had to have done something with his mouth or tongue. But! She acknowledged that he could have accomplished that while still doing it over my underwear. She went with my memory of the event and didn’t insist on her thoughts about it. She said that nothing is written in stone and that she never wants me to just accept what she says. She said that some things will apply and may resonant and others will not. She thought that I was accepting what worked for me and discarding things that didn’t apply. I thought that I was supposed to take everything she said at face value and that’s not what she meant. She said that I should never be afraid to tell her what I think or feel about anything that she says and that by my telling her, she learns more about how I communicate and process things. I need facts most of the time but, I also have a tendency to ignore my intuition. When it came to talking about the physical abuse from Mother that was easy because my memories are quite clear and I have proof as far as locations and houses we lived in and the fact that the abuse started when I was old enough to remember and it continued until I moved out, including an incidence after I had gotten married and was an adult. That stuff was easy. This stuff…this is new territory for me and I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do or how to think and I need her help. We definitely worked it out and she said that anytime I want to bring up something that happened in our last session, that I should bring it up right away so we can talk about it. She did suggest that I not get so wrapped up in facts and “proof” like having to identify every room or exact facts. That may not be possible and memories aren’t exact. They give us information and ideas and impressions but they aren’t perfect. But they are important. She said that I should pay attention to the “creepy” feelings I get when I think of him or when certain images come to me. I should trust my body memories because those are real. They are physical responses that I couldn’t make up back then. My body responded and remembered and that’s real. She wants me to learn to trust myself. I brought my collage but we didn’t get to it until the end of the session because I forgot I even had it, she had to ask what I had brought. I showed it her and she thought it was very telling. Of course we’ll be talking more. She thought that I should pay attention to what I did in making that collage, the images that I put together by myself and based on my feelings. *Sexual part over.*
I feel like I’ve had distractions and defenses preventing or delaying me from really talking about this with her. First there was the drama with my mother and then there were the trust issues with my her. We haven’t really gotten into anything. Heck I’m still at the “I wasn’t abused” stage! lol It was strange that as I drove home yesterday, I felt very vulnerable. It was like I realized inside that there were no more obstacles or distractions to stop us from getting into this. I didn’t know what to do. I kept thinking ‘What will I do now?’ ‘We actually have to talk about this now, there’s nothing left to distract us’. I was anxious and kind of teary and I drove home trying to stay calm. I faked being normal when I got home. Now it’s today and I’m alone and I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no plans for this week, nothing to distract me. My arm is talking to me because it wants me to cut it. Now what? It sucks when you realize that you have seven days until therapy.