I did a “bad” thing but I don’t feel bad about it (Don’t bother reading if you are triggered by self-harm she wouldn’t want you hurt)


So, I said that arm was talking to me because it wanted me to hurt it. When I say “talk” I don’t mean that I actually hear voices (besides the ones internally of course). I mean that my arm feels different when I want to cut, kind of like an intense itch. I was tired of scissors and I decided to use a razor but I don’t know how to control the depth on that and I looked on the internet to see how other people do it but I couldn’t figure it out and I didn’t want to mess it up and end up at the hospital. I decided to try something that I had been thinking about in the back of mind, hell maybe someone else was thinking about it in the back of our mind. Anyway, I decided to try burning myself. I looked on the internet about that and the best I could come up with were matches. I didn’t want to burn the house down duh, and I needed to control the burn. I didn’t have any matches (who the hell doesn’t keep matches in the house!) so I decided to use Q-tips and light the ends and then press it into my arm. AWESOME! It hurt which was cool. So I tried it again today. AWESOME again! I can still feel it but it sucks because it didn’t leave much of a mark. I mean what’s the point if you can’t pull your sleeve up and look at it every once in a while? Anyway I’ve got a new method but there’s a problem because the room smells like smoke and you have to open the window and then the breeze is blowing and I’m like ‘hell I don’t wanna start a fire’ so maybe I don’t have a new method. PLUS I had to Febreeze the hell out of everything which is jacked. That sucks. I may have to stick with scissors because dude I am not slicing my wrist up. No way! We were dirty little whores today. We had bad bad thoughts and we did bad bad things! Shame shame. I wish I smoked that would be so sweet…I’m out.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Toxic Parents, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to I did a “bad” thing but I don’t feel bad about it (Don’t bother reading if you are triggered by self-harm she wouldn’t want you hurt)

  1. meredith says:

    Well… I’m not sure which part of you has written this, but it’s good you felt okay to come out and tell your story. I guess I don’t understand where you go in your head when you want to cut or burn… but maybe you’ll tell us more down the road.

    I really don’t want you to hurt yourself, CI. Really. Maybe when you go over this post, you’ll find something that helps you remember why you wrote it… so that you can address it. I hope so. It makes me sad to think of any more hurt being done to your body.

    Self injury is hard to cope with. It’s so complicated… but there’s so much shame attached to it. Many of us do it, but it’s so hard to talk about. Thanks for opening the door.

    ~meredith~

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Uhhh…yea…I’m not sure who wrote that. I kind of “went away” while writing it. W-o-w. I don’t even know what to say except to apologize to anyone who read that. The burning thing was my idea, by “my” I mean me the host *pointing at self*. I felt that afterwards “someone else” took pleasure in what I had done. I’m absolutely sure that it was not Nicole. she’s my angry part but she’s not sexual in nature at all. And, I’m more familiar with how it feels when she’s around. This was not her but it was not me either. Huh. The only thing I can say is that the post expresses my feelings about myself when it comes to the whole “sexual abuse” thing (which I still don’t accept haha!). My thoughts and actions make me feel dirty. Maybe I should write about so I don’t come off looking like such a slut on my own blog. 😦
      So sorry Meredith. *cringe*

      • meredith says:

        Oh, CI,

        Please don’t cringe because you think you did something wrong in writing this. I can relate to your saying, “…my thoughts and actions make me feel dirty.” But it doesn’t make you a whore, or dirty, or anything like that. Those words… oi! I hate those words. But that’s how you feel… and I get that.

        I honestly believe you needed to let folks know what is going on with you, right now. And, I’m glad you feel safe enough to talk about it, because many folks, here, struggle with self harm and the kind of self-destructive thoughts that you’re going through. But it’s hard to talk about, so I don’t talk about on my blog. You did. That took pluck. I’ll give you that.

        I have to be careful about what I read, to be sure. But your hurt is also a part of my life, now. Because I care about you. So, at times, I have to challenge myself to push beyond my ‘needs’ because I come across someone who needs me to think about them, and really pay attention.

        I read your post because I’m concerned about you. And I left a reply so that you could hear ME say, “don’t do it. Please don’t be doin’ that. It’s not worth it.”

        When society, in general, tells us not to do something, we tend to think, “Piss off. How could possibly know what it’s like to be me.” And sometimes, it’s a good attitude to take.

        But this society that you are a part of–this DID community–does have an understanding of what it’s like to be you. And honey, I am speaking from a place of understanding. I haven’t walked your walk, that’s true. But I understand the torment, the grief, and the confusion. I understand how frightening it is to sit with the idea that it may be that all the “fiction” that seems to leak from my mouth, my eyes, my nose, and every pore… is true. It’s terrifying to wake up to “the other part of the story.” It completely upends a person’s sense of place in the world. The madness that comes with that realization is horrible.

        And I get why you want to burn, to cut, to do whatever… I do because I’ve been there… and have times that take me there, even now. But I can’t do it, anymore. And I know that. And I have to talk myself down out of the that urge… and sometimes, it takes for fucking ever.

        So you’re among friends, now. Friends who cut. Friends who purge, friends who do whatever their pain compels them to do… and this friends is telling you to fight the urge. Train yourself as early on as you can, because you’re gonna get more tired before you start feeling right with yourself, and you need your energy to start fighting back on this issue so that you have a head start.

        I want you to be well. I want that for you with all my heart. And so, with all my heart, I am telling you that you can use the energy that you’re now using to burn… and you can make it do something else. Decide what the something else is going to be, and marshal yourself to turn to a specific activity every time you start to feel the urge.

        I painted. Big, involved murals on the walls of my apartment. They took a lot of energy to do, and sometimes I would slash white paint across a nearly finished piece… because that was exactly how I felt. Like the beautiful landscape of my life had been slashed with a knife, damaging it irreparably. And it was my house, my wall, and my art. So that’s how I said my “Piss off…” to the world when they seemed to be all about what I needed or didn’t need. I painted what I wanted to paint on my walls in my house because it was my right to claim space on this planet on my own terms, and feeling just as pissed off, or hurt, or grieved… as I WANTED TO FEEL.

        I learned to sit with that toxic energy and work it through because my goal, really, was to get well. And I knew the self harm stuff I did was awful for my body. I knew that. And it took me a long time to own it… but I kept chipping away at it because I knew that I was too unhinged, at that time, to think clearly. I didn’t believe it when I said it to myself… I thought I was in control of the situation. But I wasn’t. And you’re not either. Not right now.

        So hear me say, “I see you, CI. And I love you, and I care about you. And you’re not in a right place, right now. Just trust me on that… even if it needs to become about being mad at me for calling you out… and you have to hate on me for awhile… that’s okay. But listen to what I’m telling you, and make a decision on how to interrupt the burning, and turn to an activity that you can completely immerse yourself in until the feeling has worked itself out.

        You will be better for it.

        Do keep writing. Do keep telling. It may not always be easy for any one of us to read, but I know I want to know. I want to know. And others do, too. Because they care.

        Okay. I’ve said my peace. I love you, CI. I hear you, and I see you. And I’m very glad you, just as you are, are in my life.

        ~meredith~

      • CimmerianInk says:

        I would never hate on you or be mad at you for that matter. EVER! Your reply had perhaps the opposite effect you might have thought. I cried. That’s a good thing. My therapist will be so happy lol 🙂 You wrote a very powerful reply. I was moved. You showed more empathy and sympathy than I’m used to. I think that I’m pretty isolated emotionally right now. My therapist is the only person I’m really honest with, at least as much as I can be, my husband doesn’t know what’s going on nor do I want him to (he knows “something” happened but he got uncomfortable and honestly I don’t want to talk to him about it). But, your therapist is just your therapist. Your interactions stay in the office where they should be. When it comes down to it, no human beings know what’s going on with me…except you guys. I found your reply to be profound. I didn’t even know how to react emotionally because it hit me so deeply, in a good way. I didn’t know what to do with myself so I made two collages lol! See you told me to channel that energy and I did. I’m at a point where I’m just stuck. I can’t accept that I was abused because “it only happened once” and “it was nothing” classic right? But, perhaps I can’t remember any other details (things that nag at me that I feel I should remember) because I don’t accept it. BUT I can’t accept it because I don’t remember anything else happening, therefore we’re back to “it only happened once”. Ha! Ironic isn’t it. Can’t move forward, can’t go back. I want to tell you that you are AMAZING! Truly you are. You guys have been so good to me and I don’t know how to repay anyone. I hope I can be somewhat helpful and supportive to you when you need it. And I hope that I can support others in the community too.

      • castorgirl says:

        I’d just like to reiterate what Meredith has said… please address the SI before it gets worse. You’re working through some difficult stuff now, so it would be really good if you could introduce some positive coping mechanisms to help with the overwhelming emotions.

        I realise that this may not be taken well by parts of your system, but I’m looking back on how my SI developed, and I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy, let alone anyone I care about. The external scars will never be able to reflect the ones we hold inside… never. I’m glad you collaged, I’ve found that to be one way to show the pain in a tangible form that others can see and identify with. It can show the pain and tell our story.

        Please take care,
        CG

      • CimmerianInk says:

        I know. You’re both right of course. I didn’t burn again, mostly because this last burn gave me a blister and I didn’t know what to do with that. The collaging most defintiely helped! Thank you to both of you for caring. 🙂 My therapist is going to get on me for this (not in a bad way). *sigh*

  2. roseroars says:

    I’m sending my rainbow unicorn army over.

    Try and be as safe and gentle with yourself as you can for a bit. Do you feel you need to call your therapist?

    Write again soon and tell us how you are doing. I understand about looking up different ways to self-injure when the regular ways just won’t do. I hope you can talk with this young lady and help her and yourself.

    Write soon! I’m thinking about you!

    Lisa

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thank you for the army of unicorns, that’s a very cool thought. 🙂 I briefly considered taking that post down and then I changed my mind because my blog is one of two places on this earth that I can be completely honest. That post written by whoever that was, is honest, brutally and grossly so, but still honest. I made pact some time ago, mentally, to stop lying to myself and so I won’t take that post down. As for calling my therapist…uhh…I don’t think I have to right now, I guess. That sounded real sure didn’t it. I’m not going to do anything rally bad to myself and yes I know how that sounds, but I figure we’ll talk about it next week. Whoa! Did I just come up with another distraction!? C’mon! I gotta stop doing that. *sigh* Thank you Lisa for writing and sending armies of winged creatures. Much appreciated. How are you doing today?

      • roseroars says:

        I’m okay. Thanks for asking. It was therapy today and it was very tough. Oh well. Sucks to be me!

        Go eat ice cream!

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Sorry you had rough therapy. 😦 I know the whole “Oh well” trick, nice try. 😛
        You want to join me in eating some ice cream? I’m thinking I need some cookie dough ice cream, how about you?

      • roseroars says:

        I bought fresh, local pumpkin ice cream and apple pie ice cream. Yum, yum, yum!

        Cookie dough ice cream has been proven to eliminate all known diseases, consolidate world resources, and ease intergalactic diplomatic relations.

  3. castorgirl says:

    I’m sorry you felt you had to hurt yourself.

    Why did you have to find a new method? If you can, look at the motivations and take those along to therapy. Self-injury is a complicated issue, and motivations are the key. But, they can be really difficult to unpack, so go gently.

    Take care,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      On the method, it feels like the scissors don’t do enough damage and the scars fade to quickly even though it can take months or years depending on the scar. I still have a small scar from around 7 years ago. I wanted something that would hurt more and do more damage and leave more of a mark, but something that I could still hide from other people. I’m not interested in anyone else seeing what I do, in fact I go out of my way to hide it so it’s not about attention. Unfortunately the idea still appeals to me and I’m not motivated enough to do anything about it. Thank you for bringing up motivations. It’s not something that I would ever think about or consider. I started cutting when I was first hospitalized in 2001 and after a few yers and therapy I stopped. Now I’ve picked it up again once I started this round of therapy early this year. When I first started it was about my mom and the pain I felt inside and having control over one thing in my life. I get that. This time I’m not sure what’s motivating me as I’m not caring about my mommy issues at the moment. And I have no idea where the idea to burn myself. I will think about what you said and I will talk about it in therapy. But, I swear I am so done with dustractions! lol 🙂 Thank you CG *Big Hug*

  4. Lil ol' Me says:

    Thank you for not taking this post down. Even though it might have been a few years ago. It has helped me more today than you will ever know. To know that I am not alone!!! I’ve read a lot of your blog over the last week. A LOT!! It has struck a chord deep inside. Thank you for being honest. Thank you for being real. Most of all….thank you for sharing and helping me not feel so damn alone.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Lil, the honest posts are the hardest to keep up but I think they do more good for other people especially when it’s about uncomfortable subjects. I’m glad it helped. Take care.

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