Sexual fantasies and sexual abuse: whats the connection?

I had therapy today and we talked about the uncomfortable subject of sexual fantasies. I wanted to know why I think about the things I do namely: incest and force. I talked about how great my husband is in that whole area and I said that there’s no physical reason for my mind to have to go “there” to achieve satisfaction. But it always goes there or I feel nothing. So why do I do it? She said that physiologically, our brain has pathways and that these pathways come from some sort of exposure or experience to something. She said that people normally go to what “works” for them in their heads during sex. Everyone fantasizes, they do what works for them. The stuff I think about both during sex and while I’m alone is the pathway that I have because it’s my “default” pathway. That doesn’t mean however that I chose to make that pathway. It’s a big deal for me to hope that I’m not just a perverted deviant and she knows that. She assured me that I didn’t just pick this stuff up on my own and that I will figure things out in my own way, in my own time. She said that what I need to deal with isn’t all about the facts and logic, it’s about how this stuff makes me feel about myself. I think I’m a whore and that I’m dirty and disgusting. That’s a fact. She said that I’m not any of those things and that we have to deal with the shame and guilt and the perceptions that I have about myself because of how I feel about my thoughts. I told her that I wanted her honest opinion and her honest thoughts and that I wouldn’t freak out like last time because now I understand how she thinks and how she communicates. I told her that I now understand that I don’t have to accept everything she says and apply it to myself, she was so glad that I don’t think that anymore. I know she felt bad about what happened before. I’ve been hung up on the question of how that one little event with this guy could influence all of the twisted, horrible things I think about? She said that in her opinion (opinion :)), the specific things that I describe, the fantasies I have and the feelings that my body has, come from more than just one experience. She was very good at making it an opinion which I appreciated. I emphasized that all I have is one memory. I have images and feelings about other things too, but I’m a fact person so it makes this process very difficult for me. If I try to think about anything other than the one incident I start to dissociate immediately so I don’t know what to do about that. I was going to write more but it’s late and I want to write it correctly so I will continue later.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Toxic Parents, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Sexual fantasies and sexual abuse: whats the connection?

  1. Rapid Cycling says:

    That’s interesting and worrying to me. I’m really really behind in your posts and can only look at them when I feel up to facing things however this one peaked my curiosity he he 🙂
    So she says that because you fantasize about these things then (while awake), your body is reacting to feelings it has had in the past with your abu*er correct? (in her opinion of course).
    My issue is that my reactions “as an adult” have always been while I was “dreaming” never while awake and fantasizing in reality EXCEPT for one time recently where I went where I should not have gone. Now I am worried that a pathway has been open and I won’t be able to go back to normal thought paterns (not that they were ever normal but they did not involve incest that I can remember).
    Anyway, thanks for the insight.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      First, don’t worry about the dream angle. She also puts stock in dreams as a way that our unconscious communicates with us. Not that we’re supposed to believe everything our dreams “say” but that sometimes they can give us information or clues. I haven’t talked with her about the one recent dream I had. Biggest point: she made a point of telling me that just because we have a “default” pathway doesn’t mean that we can’t make new pathways that can work for us and be based on other things than the kind of stuff I think about now, so don’t worry, she does this kind of work A LOT!
      I will post more, I was really tired when I wrote that last one so I’ll try to make sure everything is clear. It’s also important not to worry too much about things a therapist said as they may not apply.
      I’m glad you come here when you’re able 🙂 You may want to come back and read when I follow up on this post. I’ll make sure it’s clearer.

  2. roseroars says:

    It’s such a difficult subject to come to terms with. Your body says one thing and your brain says another. It sucks.

    I hope you slept well! I think you need pie. Maybe pumpkin or apple. That will help you relax. And Halo. Halo and pie. That’s it.

    Go easy on yourself.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      I agree.
      I’m thinking about you though today, I hope you can hold onto hope and hold onto your friends here who all care about you so much! It will pass and you’ll come out from under it with more information and validation for you and your parts. Love ya:)

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    How are you doing today?

    I’m glad you got some reassurance about the ability to change those pathways… One of the things that gave me hope in this area, was the stories of people who’d had hemispherectomies… if the brain can heal and compensate for that, then healing from what we experienced has got to be possible. It may take time and a lot of work, but it can be done… there’s stories published about that too 🙂

    Take care,

  4. I'm DID & so am I says:

    This is my third time writing this because my computer keeps freezing up.

    Anyway, I remember when my psychiatrist and therapist were attempting to drill into my brain that sexual fantasies are normal. Give me a break! So they gave me a book on sexual fantasies, telling me it’s okay to have a fantasy, even though it may seem unrealistic, as long as I didn’t act on them, it’s normal. I still thought they were disgusting. I gave the book back and refused to read anymore. It was pure filth.

    I hope you can get through all this, even as painful as it may be. None of us asked to be this way, it all about what happened to us.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Yes my therapist keeps trying to tell me the same thing. I’m surprised they gave you a book on it. My therapist recommended some reading if I chose to which I didn’t 🙂
      I wanted to comment on your post about your stuff being moved but you had your comments off so I figured I’d ask if everyone got their stuff back, including you?

      • I'm DID & so am I says:

        I was just as surprised when I got the book and I was hospitalized at the time. Beats me what would have happened if I’d been home. Either burns it or kill myself. It was horrible.

        I can’t find my “stuff.” I’m still pissed about it all. Thanks for asking.


  5. Meagan says:

    I know this is an old post. I found it on your yearly review from WordPress. I have often wondered about the fantasies I have. Like you, I feel dirty and disgusting. I haven’t discussed them with a therapist because I am scared and ashamed of what the reaction would be. It makes me feel better knowing that the fantasy of force I have isn’t because I chose it, but because it is a default pathway. I have no memories of sexual abuse, though. Just a vague feeling…and those rape fantasies. Anyway, I’m glad I stumbled upon this post. This topic is very worrying and upsetting to me.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi Meagan,

      I’m glad you found the post helpful in some small way. Discussing sexual fantasies was one of several topics that I found really hard to bring up in therapy. But once I jumped in and did it, I was glad and a bit less freaked out.

      I hope you’re able to get some understanding on your fantasies and know that you’re not alone.

  6. MS says:

    I was sexually abused as a child and forced to watch pornography. I am now married with 4 children and I HATE pornography, yet when I have sex with my husband I enjoy fantasies of it. I don’t want to do that! I want to enjoy him, not the sick thoughts! It doesn’t make sense that something you’ve been so harmed from and you are so angry about can be the cause of a climax for you! 😦 Funny thing too is, if I found out my husband was into pornography I’d absolutely lose it, I’m so hypervigilent. Uggg Will this ever go away? I believe it’s the minds way of protecting you.

    • CimmarianInk says:

      Hi MS,

      I very much understand what you’re going through. I’m so sorry that you were hurt and that someone forced you to watch pornograghy.

      Child molesters often use pornography to make a child believe that what’s happening to them is normal or okay. It was not your fault!

      My therapist says that our brains get wired by our first experiences. Again, not your fault. She believes that our brains can learn new pathways and I like to believe that with time, they can.

      The important thing is to not judge yourself. What happened to you was not your fault.

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