Part Two: Sexual fantasies and issues related to sexual abuse

It took me a bit to come back and continue this subject because I honestly don’t know what to say. Sometimes I feel like if I’m going to say something it’d better be amazing or profound. Thank goodness that’s not the case so I figured I’d just sit down and write. Going back to my account about therapy this week, I also gave my therapist the poem I wrote  recently that I had posted here: The Fires Of Eden. I felt like an idiot! I told her I wrote a poem and of course being the supportive therapist who is interested in whatever nonsense my brain comes up with, she wanted to hear it. There’s a certain rhythm to the poem that only comes out when I read it out loud and I told her that the title sounds pretentious but that’s the phrase I had in my head at the time. I read it out loud, which was interesting in a way because I felt absolutely nothing when I read it. It was like reading some random page in a book except that it was mine which means it was personal, so if she didn’t like it, it would have stung. Anyway, I read it and she was all “Oh my God! That was amazing!…etc.” Of course I’m like ‘ Uh huh, sure it was’ *eye roll* She said that it was amazing and that I have a gift and that the poem was very telling blah blah. And I sat there wishing she would stop complimenting it because I hate being humored. She asked me how I felt about the poem, about reading it, and I said I felt nothing. She seemed to find that interesting and she told me that at some point I should go back and read the poem again. She asked for a copy so I gave her the one I had printed out. She put it in my file! LOL! I laughed because it was like it was going im my permanent record 😀 So funny! She kept it because she wants to have it for us to refer to if needed which is fine.

Going back to what she said in therapy about getting wrapped up in needing facts. That’s a hard one for me. I mean, I’ve got one fact and I know that. One memory. And I’m 100% confident that the memory I have is true, therefore I can accept that the incident happened. Easy because it’s a fact, validated by clear images, feelings, memory and the fact that I told someone. I’ve been reading and re-reading The Courage To Heal and one of the books suggested in the back called Memory and Abuse -Remembering and Healing The Effects Of Trauma by Charles L. Whitfield, M.D. His book can be a tough read depending on how you feel about breaking down the logistics of the brain, but actually he made it fairly easy to read and understand. He wants people to understand how memory works and the different types of memory that exist. He also explains how different kinds memories are processed and why, and then how the brain recalls the information when needed etc. Just from reading both books, I have to accept that I may never remember anything else, either because nothing else happened or because I just won’t. I’ll repeat here what I posted on roseroars’s blog, something I read which basically said that there are two types of people when dealing with sexual abuse: There are people who remember and they wish they could forget, and people who can’t remember and wish that they did. Then, when the people who wished to remember finally do remember, they become like the first group and wish they could forget. That’s terrible thing isn’t it? I admit though, that I wish I could know definitively, one way or the other if even one other thing happened. The way I am, that one little fact would change everything for me. My therapist says to be patient and of course I want to know now! I know that I’ve been thinking ‘Well let’s get this over with so I can be done with therapy.’ Silly me, things can’t be that easy.

 My therapist believes two things when it comes to the whole “Did something else happen, did nothing more happen?’ question. She believes that, based on my particular fantasies and thoughts and the sexual behavior that goes with them (the M word), that the one incident that I remember and described wouldn’t be enough to explain all of that. She also believes that for my “Uncle”/ cousin to have made that kind of a bold move in a house full of people including his wife, that he would have been doing other things by then. Now see right there?! I write this one sentence and my body responds immediately in a disgusting way! What the hell!? I hate that! Ugh, moving on…she thinks that based on the things I’ve said about his wife, that she also knew what was going on. Also, there is supporting evidence that he molested at least one other girl many years before me as he was about 30 years older than me at the time. For some reason while we were talking, the subject of vaginismus came up. I was talking about when I had the first flashback of what he did and how it timed with when my husband and I were first married, as I hadn’t been with anyone before that. I was talking about that as time went on I had more sexual problems. The doctors thought is was endometriosis but they couldn’t find anything. I had some very small fibroids at the time but they shouldn’t have caused the extreme pain I had while trying to be intimate. My gynecologist, an absolutely wonderful lady, told me that it was vaginismus. Basically I was tensing up so much that sex eventually became not only really painful, but physically impossible, as in my body would literally not let sex happen. At the time she gave me some *cough cough* “tools” to work with when I was *cough cough*…alone 😀 to try to help me relax my muscles so they wouldn’t freak out. I told my therapist that I’d had no problems when I was using those things. She seemed to almost anticipate that I would say that. I told her that, after a long, long time I finally got better and then the hysterectomy fixed everything else up with the fibroids, so everything was fine now. At the time that she and I were talking I wasn’t really sure why I brought that whole vaginismus thing up. I told her that I had assumed that, at some point while being with my husband, something must have hurt and I must have tensed up, then I must have anticipated that it was going to hurt the next time, and because of that I tensed up again and it did hurt the next time, then it got worse and worse and worse because I kept tensing up, until sex was physically impossible. She disagreed, she thought that the fact that I was able to use the tools the gynecologist gave me and have no pain or problems with it was telling. She said that was a classic example of someone reacting to a fear of sex but when they’re alone and using things like that, the situation isn’t the same and so there’s no pain. Of course I take everything with a grain of salt or a cup depending on the circumstances, but she said that vaginismus doesn’t usually happen to the extent that it happened to me, just because it hurt a couple of times. She said that usually what happened to me is the body reacting to fear of sex based on some past experience. I was like ‘Duh, like I said, it must have hurt once with him and I tensed up from then on.’ She didn’t think so but she actually stopped right there and didn’t push me on it. She learns quickly, it makes me laugh. See, that little bit, the stuff that happened with me and my husband, I don’t accept her explanation. Is there research supporting her statement? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not right. I need proof. And unfortunately when I went to my first gynecologist at 18, he couldn’t get my knees apart to take a look and he gave up and just gave me my birth control. 😀  So that was therapy. And boy did I want to burn myself! Even while I was sitting there with her. If I try to think about anything else, any images that are in my mind, anything even hinting at something more than what I remember, I start dissociating right away, so there’s no help there.

Alright, I think I’m done for the moment, I need to do something else, heck it’s still early here, too early for deep stuff right?

I hope people are able to find some peace or hope or something beautiful today, even if it’s small.

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, fibromyalgia, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Toxic Parents, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Part Two: Sexual fantasies and issues related to sexual abuse

  1. roseroars says:

    1. You are amazing, so stop that.

    2. Your therapist probably thought your poem was awesome because you feel comfortable writing it and sharing it. That, and it is a good poem. You just let it all come out and put itself on paper. That’s a big step. I’ve been drawing pictures and giving them to my therapist and she puts them in my file, too. They look like five year-old pictures (they kind of are), but I didn’t draw as a kid, so that’s a good thing.

    3. I ended up in an emergency room with what turned out to be vaginismus in 1990. It was excruciating, like you wrote, and then I was so embarrassed because it wasn’t something more emergency-like.

    4. Sometimes “tools” can really help abused women rediscover, or finally discover, their bodies. That’s another good thing.

    5. You’re doing great, you know, asking questions, wanting to know what really happened, etc.. That’s a healthy frame of mind.

    6. Back to pumpkin scooping-out. My kitchen’s a mess.


    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thank you Lisa, for points 1,2,4 and 5 🙂 On point point 3, I am so sorry that happened to you too! I had never even heard of that before it happened to me and I hate going to the ER and finding out it’s not an “emergency” at least not something they handle. On point 6: Why are you scooping pumpkins!? Shouldn’t you be resting? *wagging my finger at you*

      • roseroars says:

        It was the only day this week I could scoop out the pumpkins for the kids to carve. One made a “Grrr!” face on theirs and the other made a Wilhelm scream one.
        I am resting (thank you Bioshock!), but shit needs to get done!

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    I can only imagine how much courage it took to read that amazing poem out loud. It is interesting that it felt to you like you were reading from a newspaper… I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but when I do that, it’s often because I’ve thrown a wall up as a bit of self-protection. It’s sometimes because the part who is particularly attached to what is being said, is scared of what the reaction will be.

    It is an amazing poem. You shared honestly and openly, that makes it amazing. So it’s no wonder your therapist wanted to keep it… It’s part of building up a group of resources that you can reflect back on to see what’s happening over time. It’s great she asked for a copy, and that you all felt comfortable enough with her keeping it…

    Oh I so know that feeling of frustration surrounding memories. It stinks. There’s that desperate need to know what’s happened… It can be a vicious cycle, as you reach more for the memories, and the more they dance just out of reach. I might be wrong, but from reading what you’ve written here, you seem to be moving to a place of more acceptance about everything? That you might not remember anything more, but that’s ok?

    So, you don’t think there is any connection between your reaction to your first gynecological visit, and the vaginismus? I could be wrong, but all those separate incidences, seem to be building up a bigger picture… As I said, I could be wrong… I don’t know.

    Go gently…

    Take care,

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Ha! it’s either courage or stupidity lol. Thank you though 🙂
      I absolutely agree with you about throwing up a wall of protection. That poem, no matter how I felt about reading it, was very private. Posting it here was slightly easier because no one knows who I am 😉
      Reading it out loud to someone who can actually see me…yikes! But I’m glad I did it.

      I’m so grateful that you commented about the whole memory conundrum. It does stink and sometimes I do feel desperate and so burdened about not being sure of everything. Having a “feeling” about something or an image or whatever is just awful. But you’re right, for the past week and a half, I’ve been able to have some peace about the memory thing. I think it’s like anything else in these situations, I’m ok for now and then it gets not so ok and then I’m ok again. Part of the problem is that there are people who are still alive, including the guy, who know the truth. I want so badly to just call him and ask him but I know that’s ridiculous and I would never do it. I wish i could contact his wife, I wouldn’t ask anything about that, there are just some very basic, benign questions thats she could answer that would fill in some blanks for me. But I can’t send something anonymously so that he wouldn’t know my address. But I’m trying to be ok with it and sometimes I am which is good.

      I had to laugh when I saw your last questions there. I honestly never thought anything about either of those things when they happened, ever. I don’t know why I brought them up in therapy either. I’ve always assumed that I was really, uptight and nervous with the doctor and I assumed that I must have had some pain with my husband at some point that started a vicious cycle. I know exactly what you’re getting at 😀 and I’m glad that you said it. It’s one of those things that adds to the horrible frustration of memory. How do I know that my theory isn’t correct? I can’t know that. How do I know that the other theory is correct? i can’t know that unless something else occurs to me. Then I have to think “Why wouldn’t my mind let me know if something happened to cause these particular problems?” Maybe because I’ve assumed that, even if something more than the one incident happened, it wasn’t anything serious enough to cause those things. That’s something I’ve never even considered, but not being able to prove it even if I considered it, would accomplish what? I’m not phrasing that question correctly. I think I’m asking: If I opened my mind to the possibility that something worse happened, I would never be able to prove it without a valid memory of my own that I could accept. If that memory never came or it could not be proven, then wouldn’t I be worse off?

      Here’s a thought I’ve had lately that seems dumb to think about but, what if I keep questioning if something more happened but this poor guy didn’t do anything more than kiss me between the legs? What if I wonder horrible things about him but he didn’t do anything else but that? Doesn’t that make me a horrible person, trying to pin something on someone with no proof even if I never tell anyone else about it to get him in trouble?

      • roseroars says:

        He is not a poor guy. Poor guys don’t kiss children in the privates. And you know he did something to another girl.
        What he did was horrible, and it’s causing you some pain and confusion now.
        I understand why you wrote that, but you never have to make excuses or feel sorry for a person who knowingly, consciously, and unrepentantly hurts a young child.
        Just had to say that. Don’t add this reply if you feel uncomfortable.


      • CimmerianInk says:

        You never make me uncomfortable silly woman 😛

        I knew it was stupid when I said it but I felt that way can you believe it!? I still feel that way a little in the dumb part of my brain. It’s weird, it’s like ‘yes he did something bad but maybe he wasn’t that bad. Maybe he didn’t do anymore bad things and I’ll feel all of this anger or disgust over someone who’s innocent of all the things I wonder about.’ That ridiculous and I know it…what’s up with that!

      • roseroars says:

        It’s not ridiculous. It’s a reaction from someone who’s been beaten physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, sexually, etc., and made to believe everything’s their fault. I don’t mean just you, only that it is normal to feel that way. It’s not stupid. I wonder if it’s that part of your brain (and mine) that is trying to protect and make everything seem okey-dokey.
        Sometimes it feels like there are too many layers to work through and it’ll take more than one lifetime to do it.
        Stay cool sis.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        You’re right of course. Don’t you wish that the people who did this stuff to us had to put up with crap we go through (and then some).

        Take care of you 🙂

  3. Paul says:

    CI, This is so complicated… all of it. And there are no easy answers. You have to find what feels most true to you, and accept some level of not knowing. There are no certainties except what you feel inside. And even that changes a lot. The only way through is to really be committed to understanding it all in therapy, and make sure you have a balanced therapist. Sounds like you are really committed to all of this, and that is really going to bode well for you.

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Thank you Paul, I’m always so glad to get your input, you have no idea how much I value it. 🙂
      You say a lot on your blog that I can relate to. I’m such a “facts” person and I need logic and reasoning. My therapist is definitely trying to work with me the way that I need her to, which I appreciate. It’s good because she looks at things from another perpective that I don’t have. Things I say and think may have a different meaning to her than I’ve considered. Taking that into account though, I simply refuse to let someone influence me in any way. Not that she trys to but I get so scared that I’m going to be influenced. CG said soemthing about that in one of her earlier comments, being worried about things being planted in your mind. I worry that maybe my frame of mind about that fear hurts me sometimes, stops me from progressing, but I have to stick to what I feel is true for me just like you said. On the flip-side though, I know absolutley nothing about any of this and I need help from people with experience who can give me some guidance. Again balance right? So, I have to accept help in some form.

      Paul what do you do or what did you do when it came to memory stuff and the “feelings” that are inside? If you have a past post about this feel free to put a link here so I can read it. Thank you so much!

      • Paul says:

        Hi CI,

        This is not exactly what you are asking. It’s not about memories, but on the validity of DID. But the message is the same. I’m going to write something more definitive about the memory thing. I’ve talked around it mostly.

        This is something I wrote a long time ago… it’s an extreme stance, and while I’d probably moderate how I say it now, I still believe in the basic tenets of it:

        “When you live in a place of trauma-induced disorder of the mind, you do so because that is all you know. Struggling with whether memories of childhood trauma are “real” in truth means nothing. This is a stumbling block that holds so many people back. What matters is only your reality (as long as you aren’t in a position to be going to court and prosecuting; then you will need to distinguish). What matters is your truth. Your experience. It does not matter if the “memories” you are experiencing are fear-based (implanted as a reflection or interpretation of what happened), inspired by fantasy also in response to what really happened, or whether they are an historical record of what was physically and emotionally done to you. The goal is to just accept your experiences without judgement. I know this is super hard to do, yet when you are able to accept, everything does become much easier. I don’t at all stay in that place of complete acceptance (and sometimes I’m not even able to ground myself). It’s a back and forth process. But I believe it’s important to have a sense of what you can achieve.”

        Now I realize that what I’m saying here is almost impossible to achieve. But this is precisely the struggle. In a nutshell, if you focus on what you are feeling, the “weight” of the memories is much less.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        That was beautifully written! I can’t believe how you just stated it so perfectly. Especially the way you make those three points of fear-based memory, fantasy due to an experience or the historical record. You encapsulated it perfectly. The biggest point for me in what you said was that it’s not like I’m going to go to court about it. I’m not. At this point I only have one sure fact and a bunch of “feelings”. It seems like it would be easier to work through the guilt and doubts and frustrations if I remember that I’m not trying to prosecute him in court. I just need to understand as much as I can for myself. This was really good. I read the post too and that was spot on as well. I encourage you to write about memories when you feel up to it. I’d love to her your thoughts on that. Thank you so much Paul!

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    When I first started healing, I did some You Tube clips, in one of them is the line “can’t remember … can’t forget”. It’s easy to get caught in this trap… That’s why I like what Paul has written. It also meshes with some of the research I did ages ago –

    “Note that the major aspects of PTSD are re-experiencing the event and avoidance of the stimuli; with amnesia considered one possible way to avoid the stimuli. According to Leskin, Kaloupek, and Keane (as cited in Gleaves & Williams, 2005), there is a struggle between re-experiencing and avoidance. But it does show that it is possible to experience amnesia for traumatic events – for example in documented events such as the Holocaust (van der Hart & Brom, 1999).

    An important distinction in this amnesia is that while the autobiographical memory might be affected by the trauma; the feelings, habits and sensory memories will remain (Gleaves & Williams, 2005).”

    Memories are important, but it’s our emotional reaction to those memories and situations that keeps up curled up in a ball with pain.

    Take care,


    Gleaves, D., & Williams, T. (2005). Critical questions: Trauma, memory, and dissociation. Psychiatric Annals, 35(8), 648-654. Retrieved January 11, 2009, from Health Source: Nursing/Academic Edition database.

    van der Hart, O., & Brom, D. (1999). When the victim forgets: Trauma-induced amnesia and its assessment in Holocaust Survivors. In A. Shalev, R. Yehuda, & A. McFarlane (Eds.), International handbook of human response to trauma (pp. 233-248). New York: Plenum Press. Retrieved January 13, 2009 from

  5. L says:

    Hi there, I have a little q’n….
    When do you remember starting to fantasize about the “cough cough” incidents? After your s*x experiences with your husband or when u were younger etc?
    I am asking becauase I do not recall ever fantasizing about such thoughts/dreams of mine until “after” I read that you do that. Of course there is a bodily reaction to the now fantasies but I just “assumed” the bodily reaction was normal. ALTHOUGH when dreaming about such incidents with the person when I was an adult (and an adult in my dreams) I always have a bodily reaction (much much prior to your postings).
    Don’t think I am blaming you for my thought patterns now however I am using it as an excuse for having them because one knows that those thought patterns are not normal. If I didn’t use your experience as an excuse I would have to face reality wouldn’t I……..
    Complexities! and thanks for the “cough cough” remark – hillarious! Will be using that one often now..

    • CimmerianInk says:

      Hey 🙂
      Yes *cough cough* does work nicely doesn’t it lol
      I’ll absolutely answer your question I just want to make sure I understand the first part. Do you mean that you never fantasized about what happened to you unitl just now? I’m just checking 🙂
      I have to report for jury duty in a little while so I’ll give a short answer for now and I can come back later. I don’t remember fantasizing about this stuff or I should say needing to or always doing it until the last several years. Doesn’t mean I didn’t but I don’t remember and it just got worse and worse. My situation in life is safer now than it was when I was younger so I think that’s why all of this stuff is coming to the surface now. You can add to your question if you like and I’ll answer more later 🙂

      • L says:

        Yes I mean I never fantasized in reality about what happened to me until I read your postings that you did. No problems doing it in dreams but when awake I never did it.

      • CimmerianInk says:

        Hmmm. I honestly have no idea what to say. Part of me wants to apologize but the rest of me understands of course that I can’t control how others react to what I say and that I use this blog to be honest. Don’t take that the wrong way though, I am in no way blaming you for anything, i’m just trying to figure out what i should say. The problem is that I’m not a psychologist. I’m just a confused person running around who has an idea every onece in a while. 🙂 Because of that, I don’t know why somone would start fantasizing about abuse while awake in addition to already dreaming about it. Gotta say hmmm again. The only thing I can think of is an example of something that happened to me, it was the reason I decided to blog about fantasy in the first place and to bring up all the sexual behavior stuff. I’ll explain why I’m using this example afterwards.

        I read roseroars’ blog (because she’s awesome) and she was incredibly brave. In one of her post she spoke about masturbation related to being sexually abused. That was a profound moment for me. I had never hread anyone talk about it. At the time I was still in serious denial that what I had experienced constitued actual sexual abuse. What she said about masturbation was huge for me because I had done that for years and I could never understand why I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried and why I would do something that made me feel so dirty and full of shame and guilt afterwards. The fact that she came right out there and said it just floored me! At that point I started seriously considering if my behavior when I was alone was connected to what had happened. I had to be honest with myslef and think about my behavior and my thoughts which was so HARD! I was so ashamed, but I made myself do it. I saw a connection because the fantasies I had were all about abuse and force etc. BUT until that moment I hadn’t really realized it. I had assumed that I was just “kinky” or perverted, whatever. I realized a lot of stuff about myself that I hadn’t consciously realized before that moment. Then I started blogging about it and it was like the world changed, at least my world did. Behaviors I had been engaged in for years took on a different meaning and I saw that I did things that I hadn’t realized I did.

        Now, I’m not comparing myself to roseroars. She’s so brave it’s amazing, but what I’m saying is that for me, and this may not be true for you, for me seeing someone else talk about things that are so private and things that bring such feelings of shame, it made me see myself. It made me realize things about myslef and my behaviors that I hadn’t seen before at least not consciously. In a way it freed me to open my mind up to what I was really doing and how I really felt and I saw things differently. Now the difference did not make me feel good about myself, I felt worse in a way because I couldn’t believe that what I had been thinking about was connected to something like incest. That’s a hard one to accept, it made me feel perverted. I actually understand it better now but at first it was not cool.

        I guess what I’m saying is or what I’m asking is, is it possible that reading about someone else’s experience changed something for you? Did it give your conscious mind permission to think about things that you’ve only dealt with in your sub-conscious? Now, that may sound like a load of crap and you may say “Oh please! get over yourself!” and that would be absolutely fine lol! I could be so off track and that’s fine. But at this point I honestly don’t know what else to say. Sometimes when people have experienced abuse, hearing about what other people go through opens things up for them. Maybe not. Personally my real suggestion is that you talk to your therapist when you get a chance to go in and bring this up. I always tell my therapist how blogging and reading other blogs etc. affects me and it’s very helpful. So, I won’t aplogize for saying it 😀 BUT I’m sorry that your waking thoughts have been affected and I hope that you are able to ground yourself when you need to. Feel free to continue to write back on this ok?

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