Honesty is a hard one…

Things have changed and I hate it. I don’t even know if this will make sense. I’ve said before that I thought being abused was supposed to make you hate sex and I didn’t, so I doubted the abuse. Now things have changed because I’m aware of the oddity of my behavior and thoughts. I never questioned why I did the things I do or think the thoughts I do, but now, it’s out there. And I no longer enjoy intimacy. Everything is tainted. Every thought I have is awful and dirty and I hate myself for only being able to think those thoughts. Now I don’t want to be touched and everything about my sexuality has changed. I thought I enjoyed sex before, but I don’t think I have for a long time, because was I really “enjoying” it when I had to think dirty, nasty thoughts to do it? I thought I enjoyed sex, I thought I was over sexed, because I did things while I was alone but I didn’t consider what I was thinking about during those times. So…does that mean that I haven’t really enjoyed it, because it’s been tainted all this time and I didn’t know it until I made myself really look at my fantasies and secret thoughts? I feel like a freak, like I haven’t really known myself in this area… Why didn’t I wonder why I had a flashback when my husband and I were first intimate!? Why did I ignore that I started freaking out and crying right then and there? Why did I let it go back to the back of my mind where it had been? Why didn’t I wonder about it? I don’t understand.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Toxic Parents, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Honesty is a hard one…

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Go gently on yourself. Don’t judge the reactions you had in the past. You did what was perfectly understandable considering your past and the circumstances you were in.

    Sexual health and healing is a huge area to address. I know I’m also the last person who can give you advice on what healthy looks like, or how to get there. I don’t even know any good books to recommend, as so many of the trauma books seem to skirt around this subject, rather than addressing it well.

    Can you talk to your therapist about this?

    Take care,

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