Behaviors, habits and instincts that stem from…? * There is sexual stuff here* sorry:(


I decided that I would blog about behavior. There are things that I do that I either assumed everyone does or I simply accepted as me being weird. There are things that I did as a kid that I haven’t thought about in years, that are coming up now as I write things down and think about the past, trying to understand what happened or what could have happened or what didn’t happen. I started writing facts and things I called “evidence”. Evidence of what, I don’t know, but I wrote down anything that could indicate anything or point to some sort of conclusion or perhaps not point to something (forever in denial you know? 🙂 ) I brought the list to therapy and gave my therapist permission lol to use her feelings, intuition and MOST of all, her decades of experience. I’m going to put the list here and if anyone has thoughts on what they indicate feel free to comment. And if someone has alternate explanations that are not abuse related I want to hear that too. I’m trying to take the facts that I know and behaviors I do or did, and see if they are normal for average people or if they are common for people who have been sexually abused. You see I still can’t consistently say that I was abused, I get stymied by the facts or lack of facts. I’m trying to get out of my head and think about patterns of behavior or habits etc. that could give me clues, either supporting the possibility that more happened than I remember or supporting the possibility that nothing else happened. When I wrote this list a few days ago, I automatically slipped into using the plural “we” when I was writing instead of “I”. I found that interesting. Here it is:

  • when I was a kid I used to feel the presence of a man in my bed (not a person, a man) when no one was there. It only happened when I was living at my grandmother’s house.
  • during my first gynecologist visit I could not unlock my legs and the doctor couldn’t either. The examination was impossible to conduct and the doctor gave up.
  • I experienced vaginismus after getting married and becoming intimate for the first time
  • I have sexual fantasies based on incest and forced sex and it’s the only way I feel anything.
  • I get triggered by certain things. Creepy feelings when I read certain things or hear certain words or see certain things. Usually it’s words about assault or reading symptoms or behaviors that sexually abused people have that I also have. (I actually find that helpful though and I think of it as information for me to process). Or hearing about uncles.
  • During my childhood where the one incident I remember occurred, there were times when I was around men who are accused of assault or molestation, including the adult cousin who did the thing and an uncle who I was told assaulted my mother when she was young.
  • I have images of the possibility of being in the male adult cousin’s house, the one who kissed me between the legs, (which would have been normal considering that one female adult cousin (his sister I think) used to babysit me and another relative doing so would have been normal) but I have no clear memory of being there. I also have an image of his wife leaving me alone with him and walking down a hallway in their house, but again I have no memory of being there.
  • I’m really uncomfortable being around little girls especially when they are wearing dresses. I get anxious and scared and I want to leave and go hide.
  • Like CG, I MUST have my back to a wall. I have to. I’ve done that for so long I can’t remember when it started, it’s habit.
  • I MUST sleep on whatever side of the bed is furthest from the door, no questions asked, it’s a habit.
  • I don’t like doors being cracked partially open in the dark.
  • When I was little I used to take every stuffed animal I had and make a circle around me in the bed. There could be no space between them and I slept inside the circle. When I thought about this behavior I remembered that I did it because I thought that if I was surrounded by the stuffed animals and someone tried to get to me in the bed I would know because they would have to go through the animals and it would wake me up.
  • I self-harm

Is it significant that I get nauseous after therapy nowadays? *eye roll*

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Behaviors, habits and instincts that stem from…? * There is sexual stuff here* sorry:(

  1. meredith says:

    Dear CI,

    I love this post, but it’s very complicated to respond to in a reply. We all have behaviors that are marked by our history. Some behaviors are healthy, some are not. Some habits I have–like blocking corners with furniture or light or plants–definitely come from trauma. Some habits are idiosyncrasies that relate to ordering my life so that I have a sense of routine.

    It’s hard to be at the point when every behavior comes into question because a secret has been revealed. My heart hurts for you. All I can offer is that it’s good to question your world because eventually you will discover which habits, instincts, or whatever come from your True Self… and you will naturally shrug off the ones that were imposed on you when they no longer blend with your natural values and beliefs.

    It takes time. All the answers do not come at once because you will discover many layers to each element of your life that is in question. All the layers are not visible at once, and so time becomes your ally.

    Some things I did at thirty I did simply because I was thirty, had a family, and lived in a social setting that had its own set of mores. I rebelled against some of the functions of my life at that time because they didn’t fit for me. Sometimes, though, a deeper pain interrupted my ability to perform functions and participate in activities. When that pain became too hard to negotiate… well. I went to therapy to find out how to “get over it.” Wow. That was a short-sighted decision, in a way. In the long run, though, I learned a lot more about who I truly am and it helped me to feel less guilt about saying, “It’s not my area.” I also became more forgiving about some of my quirkiness.

    Be gentle with yourself, CI. Also, know that you’re a very, very courageous young woman. I admire your chutzpah.

    Always,

    ~meredith~

    • CimmerianInk says:

      You said what I was thinking exactly! There is a point it seems when you start to question every single thing you do. Any quirks or anything, looking for some hidden meaning. I had to lighten up on that. I like being weird in my own unique ways. Not the stuff connected to the bad, but the stuff that just makes me…me. I am so not courageous lol you’re just really sweet 😛
      Your response was awesome by the way 🙂

  2. meredith says:

    By the way, I have a question for you. If you have time, could you please email me?

    Thanks.

  3. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Don’t appologize. Thanks for the heads up though. A lot of what you wrote was reading about myself. So sorry you had to endure such horrific abuse.

    jo

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi CI,

    Did it help to write these down? Sometimes I find that writing stuff like this out, helps me to think it all through, and put it into context.

    If it helps, I identify with many of them.

    Sending positive thoughts,
    CG

    • CimmerianInk says:

      It always helps to hear what others say 🙂
      I think it helped to write it out and like everything else, it takes me a while to think about it and come to a conclusion. Sending positive thoughts right back at ya! 🙂

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