I decided that I would blog about behavior. There are things that I do that I either assumed everyone does or I simply accepted as me being weird. There are things that I did as a kid that I haven’t thought about in years, that are coming up now as I write things down and think about the past, trying to understand what happened or what could have happened or what didn’t happen. I started writing facts and things I called “evidence”. Evidence of what, I don’t know, but I wrote down anything that could indicate anything or point to some sort of conclusion or perhaps not point to something (forever in denial you know? 🙂 ) I brought the list to therapy and gave my therapist permission lol to use her feelings, intuition and MOST of all, her decades of experience. I’m going to put the list here and if anyone has thoughts on what they indicate feel free to comment. And if someone has alternate explanations that are not abuse related I want to hear that too. I’m trying to take the facts that I know and behaviors I do or did, and see if they are normal for average people or if they are common for people who have been sexually abused. You see I still can’t consistently say that I was abused, I get stymied by the facts or lack of facts. I’m trying to get out of my head and think about patterns of behavior or habits etc. that could give me clues, either supporting the possibility that more happened than I remember or supporting the possibility that nothing else happened. When I wrote this list a few days ago, I automatically slipped into using the plural “we” when I was writing instead of “I”. I found that interesting. Here it is:
- when I was a kid I used to feel the presence of a man in my bed (not a person, a man) when no one was there. It only happened when I was living at my grandmother’s house.
- during my first gynecologist visit I could not unlock my legs and the doctor couldn’t either. The examination was impossible to conduct and the doctor gave up.
- I experienced vaginismus after getting married and becoming intimate for the first time
- I have sexual fantasies based on incest and forced sex and it’s the only way I feel anything.
- I get triggered by certain things. Creepy feelings when I read certain things or hear certain words or see certain things. Usually it’s words about assault or reading symptoms or behaviors that sexually abused people have that I also have. (I actually find that helpful though and I think of it as information for me to process). Or hearing about uncles.
- During my childhood where the one incident I remember occurred, there were times when I was around men who are accused of assault or molestation, including the adult cousin who did the thing and an uncle who I was told assaulted my mother when she was young.
- I have images of the possibility of being in the male adult cousin’s house, the one who kissed me between the legs, (which would have been normal considering that one female adult cousin (his sister I think) used to babysit me and another relative doing so would have been normal) but I have no clear memory of being there. I also have an image of his wife leaving me alone with him and walking down a hallway in their house, but again I have no memory of being there.
- I’m really uncomfortable being around little girls especially when they are wearing dresses. I get anxious and scared and I want to leave and go hide.
- Like CG, I MUST have my back to a wall. I have to. I’ve done that for so long I can’t remember when it started, it’s habit.
- I MUST sleep on whatever side of the bed is furthest from the door, no questions asked, it’s a habit.
- I don’t like doors being cracked partially open in the dark.
- When I was little I used to take every stuffed animal I had and make a circle around me in the bed. There could be no space between them and I slept inside the circle. When I thought about this behavior I remembered that I did it because I thought that if I was surrounded by the stuffed animals and someone tried to get to me in the bed I would know because they would have to go through the animals and it would wake me up.
- I self-harm
Is it significant that I get nauseous after therapy nowadays? *eye roll*