I had this horrible feeling yesterday while I was out yesterday. I was just sitting with people and suddenly I felt like something was in my mouth. The immediate image was a giant eel. It was awful and I don’t know where it came from. I mean I was just sitting there minding my own business. It’s gotten worse and it feels like I want to throw up to get whatever it is out of throat. This shouldn’t be happening because I have no reason to feel this way. I thought I was going to freak yesterday because I had to sit there with regular people with this feeling in my throat. I wanted to jump up and run to the bathroom and throw up. To understand why throwing up is so significant to me, you have to understand that I have an actual phobia about throwing up, I’m terrified of it. I can name many things I’d rather have happen to me than to throw up but I can’t shake this feeling. It feels like something’s in my mouth and I don’t understand it. And it keeps feeling like it’s growing there, I don’t understand because there’s no reason for this. What’s wrong with me??? My mouth is all wrong and it won’t stop. I dissociated yesterday when the sensation hit and the image of the eel came and I kept dissociating when I came back because when I came back so did the image. It was very disconcerting because I don’t dissociate in front of people to the extent that I did yesterday. I dissociate to where I don’t know what people are saying and I have to pretend and hope I have the right response, but this was different. I felt like I was about to switch. I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m clenching my jaw again. I started that a few months ago and I did it so much I couldn’t chew food, I had stopped and now I’m doing it again.
We’re having get-together tomorrow and I’m going to be surrounded by kids, including 3 little girls. They make me uncomfortable and scared at times. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I felt an alter the other day that I’m not very familiar with. I haven’t told my therapist about him (?) or her (I can’t tell yet) but I know them when they come because they press their lips together until they disappear. Like pulling the around the teeth inside the mouth so the lips are sealed tight. It’s like they don’t speak and they can’t open their mouth. The lips are clenched so tight it hurts.