I’m having a hard time with the mouth feelings. I won’t go into it again, I feel awful when I have to post stuff like that as I know it can be triggering for so many and I feel like a bad, uncaring person when I do it, but I had to in the last post. The feeling is still there and I’m nauseous all the time now. I’m glad I have therapy tomorrow. I’m more depressed now and I feel like I just want to cry but of course I don’t cry, lesson taught by Mommy. I’m scared because I don’t know what the mouth stuff means. I don’t know if it’s an encapsulation of whatever experiences there were or if it means something worse than I’ve ever imagined happened. Part of me is frightened of that possibility but the rest of me wants to know for sure. I haven’t gotten to talk to my therapist about the memory I think I had because it happened after our last appointment so I have lots to talk about tomorrow. Part of me doesn’t want to be alone tomorrow but it’s the start of a work week so what are you gonna do? Hubbie’s gotta go. I really don’t like this…
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Given graciously by Meredith
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Please remember that I am NOT a doctor or a therapist. I am a patient and I am writing about my own experiences and information that I have gathered from various sources. This blog is not meant to provide medical advice to anyone. If you need help or if you are in crisis please call 911. There is also a suicide/crisis hotline that you can call at: 1-800-273-8255.- © CimmerianInk and Living With Bipolar Disorder, DID and Childhood Abuse 2010- . Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to CimmerianInk and Living With Bipolar Disorder and Childhood Abuse with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
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I think you’ll put it together when you feel ready, tai. Somewhere inside myself, I always go through a ‘readiness training’ period; my mind sorts out how much I can handle, at what rate, and decides whether or not to hold… or fold.
Integrating the information is a mental gamble, and your innards know how the deck is stacked… so maybe it’s a matter of just sitting with what you have before you, already.
Read your posts from this past week. Maybe it will help you.
~meredith~
Ha, I think putting it together is what I’m afraid of! What if I’m never ready? I want to be though. Was there something in my previous posts from this week that I should be looking at? Or did you just mean in general?
Sending lots of warm safe hugs your way…
Take care,
CG
Thank you 🙂
I also want to thank Lisa for her private message. You’re wonderful!
I just hope you don’t feel alone with those sensations because I used to and it caused more anguish.
Love you, pookmeister!
Lisa
Ok, first thank you for that. I had to smother my laugh because I was around people reading it on my phone lol you goof
Second, I feel alone here in the non-blog world because I’ve never experienced this type of bodily feeling or whatever it is. I can’t tell my husband and I have to wait until therapy today to talk about it with someone here. The sensations are confusing and disturbing and it feels like because of this, my body doesn’t belong to me anymore, like something else has taken over this part of my body and I don’t like that. I still want to understand though, and I won’t let this stop me from trying to understand. Thank you again for your other message too 🙂 How are you feeling these days Lisa?
Don’t change the subject! Back to you!
Meredith is right, too.
Saturday I did tell my husband what I wrote to you, with a little more detail. He kept saying “Oh! That’s why you do that.”, “That’s why they only go a woman doctor!”. Then he thanked me for confiding in him. I wrote down what I remembered, read it aloud, and those sensations stopped, too. Then I was sooooo tired.
I hope therapy goes well and you feel safe.
If it’s difficult to cry sometimes laughter can help, too. here’s hopin’ :
Lisa
😛
Which part is Meredith right about? The readiness part or the I should read my earlier posts part? She’s right a lot so I need more details lol
I’m soooo glad you told your husband and that he was so great about it! So happy!
That video was so funny, I loved it when the “white knight” hit the tree! Thank you!
“Banzai” was an insane, nonsensical show. Just like me.
You have CG’s hugs, my insanity, and good advice from Meredith. Then you have your own words and feelings. Maybe you can sit with that mix and let it settle around you. Everyone inside needs to feel safe and know that when they share their information they will at least be accepted. You’re doing fine! CG and Meredith have been telling me for a year now that being unsure, uncomfortable and upset are a natural part of this process. The good thing is that you are aware of it, have support, and are learning which questions to ask.
I’m scared. What if my therapist thinks that my mouth feelings mean something really bad happened??? I don’t know how I would handle that and that’s a problem because I’m been telling my parts exactly what you said: that I accept whatever they want to share. But they won’t believe me if I don’t follow through. If she tells me something bad and I react badly even though I do want to know the truth, will that stop them from sharing? Will they not trust me so-to-speak? (I know they’re me) And I still have the other thing, the memory I think I had. That happened after therapy last week and I haven’t had a chance to tell her about that yet either.
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to dump all of that on you. I’m sorry.
Dump, rant, rave!
Can you print this post and the comments out and take them with you? Your therapist may have a better understanding of where you are and how she can help you.
You’re okay. Honest. Really. Look at how far you’ve come. This is hard work. My rainbow unicorn army will be your escort for today. Please let us know how it goes if you can, or how you’re feeling.
Until then! (wrapping cape around face, dramatic, almost-scary music) Off to therapy with you! Parent-teacher conference…..away!
Lisa
Thank you for letting me borrow your army again 🙂
And for the superhero exit lol!
CI,
None of us want to put words in your mouth, so it’s important for you to read–maybe out loud, and to yourself, in the mirror–your own words about the kind of flash backs you are having. You’ve already told (your readers) what you’re going through. We believe you. The reason you continue to be urged to speak for yourself is so that you will know your source–YOU. It’s not for any one of us to say what happened to you. We can read your accounts, but being supportive means that we have to honor YOUR time frames of understanding and acceptance about what YOU know. For any one of us to assume is not loving, nor is it helpful to you.
You have to decide what you want to know. This is VITAL because it establishes your foundation for integrating disconnects in your memory process. This is self trust thing. It will inform your unconscious for the rest of your healing journey.
Only you can decide whether you trust what you’re remembering or not. The rest of us can affirm you, lend you a shoulder to lean on, or whatever you need. But first… FIRST… you, yourself, must be able to sit with your realizations as they come to you.
I can tell you that it took me many, many years to be able to brush my teeth without gagging… and I suspect you’d tell me that you get that, altogether. For the same reason, I get why you described the sensations that flashed back for you, recently.
Just know that I love you, that I stand by you, and whatever you decide to do with this period of insight… I accept. But I’m not one of your alters. So… this is the time for you to decide on how to relate to them, not your external peers.
It’s an internal matter, sweetie. You’ll make a decision to work out this information when you find your ‘ready’ place. You’ve already made some decisions about it… so you’re in motion. Take your time, think it out… and don’t be afraid to cancel social obligations for awhile if you need that space to be alone while you’re sorting.
~meredith~
Meredith, you say the BEST things! I swear you make my eyes tear up in a good way. I think I’m freaking out because I haven’t gotten to talk with my therapist yet about all of this stuff that happened just this week. I feel like once I have my session today maybe I’ll be in a different place, not necessarily a better place but maybe she can help me deal and look at the things I’m seeing and feeling. At this point I’m just floundering and scared so I need her to give me some tips on how to handle what I’ve seen and what I might see etc. You’re the BEST and I love you too. Funny how easy it is for us to say that here in this community isn’t it? At least for me since we were such a non-I love you family.