I’m so tired. Today has already started off bad… *triggering*


I had to take my husband to the ER this morning so it’s been lovely already. He’s home today sick so hopefully he’ll feel better. It’s selfish but I don’t feel like being a caretaker today. I barely got any sleep so who knows if this post will even make sense.

I had therapy yesterday. I can’t remember everything clearly so this may be out of sequence. I printed out my most recent posts and read some of them to her, focusing mainly on the memory I had and the feelings in my mouth I’ve been having. With the memory, inside I knew that it was a memory but I needed her to validate what I already knew. That one was easier to handle because the mouth feelings have been awful and I’ve been so scared of what they could mean. I described everything to her, how it feels and the image that comes with it and I told her that I was scared of what it may mean. She asked me what I thought it meant and I whispered that I didn’t know. I started crying. She became really sympathetic without saying anything to rush me. I told her that I had come up with two possibilities as to where the mouth feelings are coming from: either they are an encapsulation of my feelings about what happened to me or… and I kind of stopped there. I said some stuff I don’t remember and she said “You said you had two possibilities about the feelings in your mouth. One was that it could be an encapsulation of your feelings. What’s the other one?” I did not want to answer her. I kept my head down and I stared at my notebook on my lap and I said “You know…” I’m trying to remember clearly what was said at this point and I can’t really recall it, but I know I said that the other possibility was that something bad happened. That he put something in my mouth. I say “something” because I can’t and won’t say the word. I can’t remember this part of yesterday clearly. I haven’t accepted it yet or processed it or even begun to think about it. In therapy, I started crying again which is a big deal for me. It was a big deal for my therapist too. She said that crying showed how distressed I was about the mouth feelings and that it was important because it takes so much to make me cry, more than the average person. She hadn’t yet said what she thought about my mouth feelings. I took a deep breath and asked her straight out, still looking down, if she thought that’s what happened to me. She said yes. I think I cried some more, I don’t know. I can’t remember everything. We talked about grounding techniques because I can feel something in my mouth everyday now and it makes me sick. God I’m so tired I can’t even write anymore. Having to take my husband to the ER at 5 in the morning is not helping. I’ll come back to this later when I can make more sense.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to I’m so tired. Today has already started off bad… *triggering*

  1. roseroars says:

    So sorry.

    Lisa

    • CimmerianInk says:

      I got what I asked for didn’t I? I wanted to know.

      • roseroars says:

        Do you feel like it’s a punishment for wanting to know and understand? I just want to say that I don’t believe it is.

        Can you do some grounding and comforting activities today?

      • tai0316 says:

        I don’t know. I feel like an idiot for being all ‘I’m going to pursue the truth!’ and now I feel more disgusting and horrible and I feel like my whole life has been a lie and I don’t know who I am. Like I laughed in the face of the past and said “Haha I can handle you.” and now I’m a simpering idiot.

      • roseroars says:

        Maybe your past was being protected so you could get through life, figure out what to do with your mother, be bipolar, and find your hubby.

        Discovering the truth can be a good thing. It may be an “Ah-ha!” time, or an I-went-through-a-lot-of-shit-and-I’m-still-here time. I don’t know.

        I know it’s really hard not to dwell on it, though. Can you play some video games? Taunt your husband?

        I hope you realize how strong and smart you are and find some comfort today.

        Lisa

      • tai0316 says:

        Thank you Lisa.
        I was thinking as I read your comment that it seems unfair somehow to have a jacked-up mother who hit me and neglected me and called me a whore and on top of that to be bipolar too and then have this crap come up. Pity party huh? But I really appreciated your positive point about finding my husband. I have to remember stuff like that even though it feels like that’s one of the only positives I have in my life, at least outside the blogoshpere 🙂

        I did play a video game while my husband was upstairs resting yesterday but then I had to take him back to the ER yesterday evening.
        I need to do something but I don’t know what that is. At least I was able to help him, it felt like I was at least good for something.
        Speaking of comfort, how are things with you? Are you okay? Not so okay?

  2. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Dregging up the past, new and old memories can take a toll on you. Seems you need to take care of yourself. Sorry your session was difficult. It seems you’re making great strides with it though.

    I’ve found that my grounding skills go out the window when I need them.

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey, finally got some sleep after getting home from the ER. My husband feels better which is good because I honestly don’t know how long I can take care of him in the state I’m in.
      Anyway, I was thinking about something CG and I said a while back about not knowing how to take care of yourself. I still don’t know what that means or how to do it you know?
      And like you said, grounding can be difficult. When I get a chance I woll post my therapist’s suggestions on grounding for the stuff I’m experiencing now. Thank you so much jo for coming here and for being so nice 🙂
      How are you doing yourself???

  3. castorgirl says:

    “I got what I asked for didn’t I? I wanted to know.”

    You already knew… you needed it to be validated. That’s where the pain comes from, connecting that knowledge with an emotional impact that comes from validation. The body memories and psychological triggers will ease, it may not feel like it right now, but they will.

    I know it probably doesn’t feel like you have the energy or inclination to do soothing things, it’s what will help. Ice cream is one of the best ways to soothe the throat during body memory stuff – if you can cope with it. Hugging stuffed toys is another. Doing stuff that is very much reminders of the present day is another…

    I’m so sorry tai. So sorry that this happened to you.
    Please take care of yourself,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      I’m back at the ER with my husband but I’m so glad to hear from everyone. I’ll reply when this mess is over. I have a lot to say because everyone is making sense. Thank you so much.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      You hit the nail on the head from the start with your first sentence. Actually let me clarify that on a certain level I know that you are right. I can’t even begin to say that I’ve started processing this. The whole husband/food poisoning/ER thing pretty much took precedence over everything else and I haven’t had time to even think about this stuff yet. I do know that I can’t accept the really bad thing, I’m not accepting the feeling or “memory” or whatever it is. I don’t know why I can’t. But I also feel like I’m betraying my system. I told all of my parts that they could trust me and that I wanted to know the truth and that I would accept whatever anyone chose to show me or share. I promised. And now I’m not able to accept this reall bad thing. And I feel like a liar, like my system won’t trust me again. I’m not that great with dealing with all the parts, heck I don’t even know all of the parts, so I don’t know how to handle everything or everyone.
      I’m sorry, I’m dumping all of this crap on you guys, I’m so sorry.

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tai,

        I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that you had processed the information and memories/experiences. That is an on-going process, and one that can take you all sorts of places. One of the first steps, is this realisation and validation. Acceptance is tough… really tough. I constantly go to and from acceptance. At times a realisation will hit me like a tanker, and I find it difficult to understand or put into the rhelms of reality. But, it’s still there. The system has protected us from this knowledge and feelings for so long, that they generally understand that immediate acceptance is difficult. The main thing is to show respect and be honest – tell the system that you’re struggling at the moment, but are working on it.

        Sorry about your husband. I hope he gets hydrated and better soon.

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        Please don’t aplogize, I didn’t think that’s what you meant. Sometimes it’s hard to get tone across in a written statement. I just meant that I haven’t remotely started that whole scary process. I know you’re right and it’s going to be a back and forth thing. I already do that with ‘Maybe I’m wrong. No I’m not’ That can’t have happened! Yes it did’…etc. I love your suggestion for communicating with my system I will do that. Thank you! My husband is much, much better and he’ll go back to work tomorrow which means I’ll be here alone. I have a feeling that processing will begin when I’m finally alone. Woohoo.

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