I had to take my husband to the ER this morning so it’s been lovely already. He’s home today sick so hopefully he’ll feel better. It’s selfish but I don’t feel like being a caretaker today. I barely got any sleep so who knows if this post will even make sense.
I had therapy yesterday. I can’t remember everything clearly so this may be out of sequence. I printed out my most recent posts and read some of them to her, focusing mainly on the memory I had and the feelings in my mouth I’ve been having. With the memory, inside I knew that it was a memory but I needed her to validate what I already knew. That one was easier to handle because the mouth feelings have been awful and I’ve been so scared of what they could mean. I described everything to her, how it feels and the image that comes with it and I told her that I was scared of what it may mean. She asked me what I thought it meant and I whispered that I didn’t know. I started crying. She became really sympathetic without saying anything to rush me. I told her that I had come up with two possibilities as to where the mouth feelings are coming from: either they are an encapsulation of my feelings about what happened to me or… and I kind of stopped there. I said some stuff I don’t remember and she said “You said you had two possibilities about the feelings in your mouth. One was that it could be an encapsulation of your feelings. What’s the other one?” I did not want to answer her. I kept my head down and I stared at my notebook on my lap and I said “You know…” I’m trying to remember clearly what was said at this point and I can’t really recall it, but I know I said that the other possibility was that something bad happened. That he put something in my mouth. I say “something” because I can’t and won’t say the word. I can’t remember this part of yesterday clearly. I haven’t accepted it yet or processed it or even begun to think about it. In therapy, I started crying again which is a big deal for me. It was a big deal for my therapist too. She said that crying showed how distressed I was about the mouth feelings and that it was important because it takes so much to make me cry, more than the average person. She hadn’t yet said what she thought about my mouth feelings. I took a deep breath and asked her straight out, still looking down, if she thought that’s what happened to me. She said yes. I think I cried some more, I don’t know. I can’t remember everything. We talked about grounding techniques because I can feel something in my mouth everyday now and it makes me sick. God I’m so tired I can’t even write anymore. Having to take my husband to the ER at 5 in the morning is not helping. I’ll come back to this later when I can make more sense.