Disgusted.


I’m more ashamed now than before. I’m seeing his face at times when I never saw it before. I’ve always known what he looks like that’s not it. Hell, there’s picture of him in my mother’s family album. I know what he looks like, but he’s showing up in places he shouldn’t be, at times that are not right, at times that are shameful. I can see him smiling at me but it’s not the me then, it’s the me now. And I’m just laying there letting him. I’m so ashamed. I’m so sad. I’m alone here. No one here cares about me or what I’m going through. I actually spoke to someone last week, someone who suffers from depression, someone I’ve been there for. Whenever I see her she talks about herself just like her daughter-in-law did. Her daughter-in-law was the “best friend” I used to have. This woman always talks about herself. She asked me last week “Are you doing ok?” I decided that I might try being honest for once. I decided to put aside the idea that no one really cares how I am. I decided to take a leap of faith and believe that someone might actually stop and say something like “I’m sorry to hear that.” That’s all. One simple statement. Apparently my internal thoughts about people and how they view me is correct. I answered honestly, I said “Nope” She ignored me and continued looking in the mirror, straightening her clothes and then proceeded to tell me about her problems. In that moment I didn’t care about her anymore. I was so angry. I pretty much cut her off politely of course with some silly comforting statement and I walked out. Sometimes I hate people. Mostly I hate myself. Actually I completely hate myself. Please don’t misunderstand and think that I think that way about any of you because that is so completely opposite of how I feel about everyone in this community. I want to hear from everyone, I want to truly know how everyone’s doing. This is a special place and we’re all in a very particular situation that makes us close in a unique way. So it’s not like that with you guys, ever.

I just wish that I was worth something to people here. I know people might say “Well you have a husband.” That’s true and he’s great. But I’m around these people a lot and they just dump on me and then walk away once I’ve made them feel better. Why is that? It’s because I’m not worth anything to anyone. I’m good for one or two things and then their done with me. God, I’m so disgusting. Maybe that’s why everyone uses me.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Disgusted.

  1. roseroars says:

    Maybe you’re starting to see him so you can start dealing with what happened. As for everyone else, they can f*** off. (I want to write something more supportive, but it’s mostly profanity, anger-laced s***, so I won’t.)

    Be easy on yourself.

    Lisa

    • tai0316 says:

      This must be the part when things get harder huh?
      By the way that was very supportive lol! Thank you 🙂

      • roseroars says:

        “This must be the part when things get harder huh?” – I guess it depends on some choices you make now. Not like, today, but you know what mean.

        When stuff gets harder I just become more sarcastic and weird. The way you address things is so upfront and honest and that helps me to try it that way, too. You are so strong, confronting yourself, asking these tough, honest questions, etc. You’re up there on my “Awesome, Beautiful Abuse Survivor” pedestal. You go, girl!

        Sorry about your experience with that woman. A similar thing happened to me yesterday and I just walked out of her house without saying anything. She was still talking, so I’m not sure she even noticed I left. Grrrrrrr……

        If you need someone around this weekend, please write me at annerose0@gmail.com.

        Lisa

      • tai0316 says:

        Yea I know you know what I mean about people. Grrrrr is right
        I love sarcasm by the way. It’s my friend.
        I think I got so tired of lying my whole life, pretending that things were ok that I try to make myself be honest even when it’s uncomfortable. Actually, it was you who helped me to that 🙂 It really was. So call yourself Awesome and Beautiful and thank you for making yourself available.

  2. callmeams says:

    People suck! No doubt about it. Most are selfish and selfabsorbed and to look at anything beyond the noses on their faces would mean they have to care about someone else’s needs. Something that we all seem to have in common is that after what we have been through we care about other’s feelings and emotions. We are more sensitive both inside and out.

    I also see my abusers face at the worst moments. I work very hard when I know I’m going to be in a situation that it might happen to focus my mind on the moment and not the on the past. It doesn’t always work, but I keep trying.

    Don’t give up.

    Amy

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Amy
      Yes people do suck 🙂
      I really agree with you that those who have been abused typically (not always) have greater empathy for others. I think that sometimes we set ourselves up by forming relationships with takers instead of having balanced relationships where there’s give and take.

      Seeing my abuser’s face has surprised me and it’s happening at personally inappropriate moments so I’m going to talk to my therapist as it’s gotten worse than it ever has been. If I knew when to anticipate it it would help but I’m not sure yet when that is likely to be. Well I know one situation but I’ll talk to her about that. We all keep trying right? Thank you so much for coming over! 🙂

  3. castorgirl says:

    I have a couple of suggestions…
    1. Have you ever tried role-playing situations like that? I don’t know, you may find it useful, may be not.
    2. Tell your friend “No, I’m not ok and I’d really appreciate your support right now”. Saying that firmly states that you are seeking her assistance in neon sign clarity. If she ignores that, kick her to the curb and find friends who will appreciate you.
    3. Got Skype on your cell phone? Call me the next time you need her attention and she doesn’t give it, and let the agro Kiwi tell her what for on your behalf 🙂 If she doesn’t laugh hysterically at my accent, she’ll get the message!

    It’s really easy to fall into the trap of helping others all the time… but you need care and attention too…

    I’m sorry about seeing your abusers face. Try to reality check the past and present messages… it’s tough I know, but you can reassure yourself that you are a strong, adult now, and you can keep yourself safe.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Role-playing is a good idea
      Also a good point on firmly stating what I’d like instead of counting on people to take their heads out of their butts 🙂
      I do have Skype but I don’t think you’re scary as we love people from New Zealand over here (Lord of the Rings you know lol) besides I’ve heard your accent on YouTube and I LOVE it!
      You’re also right about the trap. The problem is stopping the cycle of picking bad friends you know?

      The abuser thing…I don’t know how to untangle those threads yet…so awful. At the moment I’m trying not to lose it on a daily basis.

  4. meredith says:

    I remember being in some kind of touchy-feely workshop, once; the entire group was standing in a circle, and we were supposed to answer a question with the first thing that came to mind. The woman standing next to me got the question, “What is your greatest fear?” I had to give the first answer, and someone inside just stood right up and said, “HUMANS.”

    Just thought I’d share.

    ~meredith~

  5. I'm DID & so am I says:

    I never had many pics of my perps, but the ones I had, I cut them off and have nice pictures now.
    This last weekend I was hoping my mom would ask how I was doing. (Okay, maybe I believe in miracles) I actually would have told her I was struggling. Nadda!
    Hope things get better for you.
    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Oh jo I’m so sorry 😦
      It’s awful when people who are supposed to love you just shrug you off like that. If it helps, you’re a miracle yourself and I care. Actually you know more people than just me care 🙂

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