I’m more ashamed now than before. I’m seeing his face at times when I never saw it before. I’ve always known what he looks like that’s not it. Hell, there’s picture of him in my mother’s family album. I know what he looks like, but he’s showing up in places he shouldn’t be, at times that are not right, at times that are shameful. I can see him smiling at me but it’s not the me then, it’s the me now. And I’m just laying there letting him. I’m so ashamed. I’m so sad. I’m alone here. No one here cares about me or what I’m going through. I actually spoke to someone last week, someone who suffers from depression, someone I’ve been there for. Whenever I see her she talks about herself just like her daughter-in-law did. Her daughter-in-law was the “best friend” I used to have. This woman always talks about herself. She asked me last week “Are you doing ok?” I decided that I might try being honest for once. I decided to put aside the idea that no one really cares how I am. I decided to take a leap of faith and believe that someone might actually stop and say something like “I’m sorry to hear that.” That’s all. One simple statement. Apparently my internal thoughts about people and how they view me is correct. I answered honestly, I said “Nope” She ignored me and continued looking in the mirror, straightening her clothes and then proceeded to tell me about her problems. In that moment I didn’t care about her anymore. I was so angry. I pretty much cut her off politely of course with some silly comforting statement and I walked out. Sometimes I hate people. Mostly I hate myself. Actually I completely hate myself. Please don’t misunderstand and think that I think that way about any of you because that is so completely opposite of how I feel about everyone in this community. I want to hear from everyone, I want to truly know how everyone’s doing. This is a special place and we’re all in a very particular situation that makes us close in a unique way. So it’s not like that with you guys, ever.
I just wish that I was worth something to people here. I know people might say “Well you have a husband.” That’s true and he’s great. But I’m around these people a lot and they just dump on me and then walk away once I’ve made them feel better. Why is that? It’s because I’m not worth anything to anyone. I’m good for one or two things and then their done with me. God, I’m so disgusting. Maybe that’s why everyone uses me.