Therapy, shame, blame and going nuts


I had therapy yesterday and it’s interesting to me that what I planned on talking about didn’t really happen the way I thought it would. Because I’m there for a certain amount of time, I like to plan ahead of time what I’m going to bring up. Yesterday it was like I opened my mouth and said things that I didn’t even realize were in my head. I felt really vulnerable. I started off ok telling her about seeing my abuser’s face in sexual moments. Then I said the surprising stuff. I started saying that there must have been something about me as a kid that made people do bad things to me. I said that maybe my mom abused me and my real dad left me and my uncle molested me because of something they saw in me. My real father who was never married my mom, stopped coming around after my 5th birthday. That’s around the time of the sexual abuse as I was around 4 years old or so when that happened. My mother dumped me off at my grandmother’s around that time too, popping up here and there when she felt like it. I told my therapist that they all must have seen something in me that made them do those things. That it must have been something about me that made my uncle molest me and I wondered what they saw. She of course tackled that issue and I was surprised that I even said that because I’ve never thought that. Like I said, I just opened my mouth and these words just came out. Weird. 

Then somehow I ended up telling her my biggest secret, that I look at “naughty” things (I actually said the real word in therapy). I told her that my alter called The Slut loves it when I do things that make me hate myself, things that make me feel dirty. I told her that the whole time, in my head I’m begging myself, “Don’t do this! Please I don’t want to look at this stuff! Please don’t!” But she’s there in the background telling me I’ve failed and that I’m a dirty little whore. Then, afterwards comes the relief when I hear her say that. I finally realized while I was talking in therapy that, the relief I get when she says that I’m a dirty little whore, is the same relief I get from cutting or burning. That was almost a revelation to me. I couldn’t look my therapist in the eye as I told her these things. That was my last secret and even though that stuff is pretend, I’m drawn to things that mirror what happened to me (I am NOT talking about kid stuff! I’m talking about adult stuff that reflects those situations. Let’s make that very clear!) I couldn’t look at her for most of the session. She thought that based on her experience, I may have been exposed to that stuff as part of the abuse. I guess that’s something that abuser’s do to get kids ready for that stuff. I know I saw some pretty hardcore stuff as a kid, I remember that, but I don’t know about during the abuse.

Anyway she said that if things had gone the way they were supposed to go naturally, I would’ve discovered my own sexuality in my own way, over time as I developed. Instead she said it was “thrust” on me against my will when I was very little. When she said the word “thrust” I had to control a flinch, yikes! Anyway, she said that my brain was too young to handle what was happening sexually. She said that the saddest part of sexual abuse is dealing with the aftereffects. She said that now, I’m questioning who I am and I’m suppressing this sexual side. Actually not just suppressing but rejecting this particular alter. She said that if I was being rejected by someone wouldn’t I strike out by being even more aggressive so-to-speak. For example with The Slut, she said that I’m telling this alter that I don’t like her. She’s over here away from everyone else like we’re enemies. That I’m rejecting her instead of feeling for her or accepting her. She said that, this alter would most likely say something like “You think I’m a slut? I’ll show you what a slut is!” and she’s strike out at me. When she said that, something inside went “Yep.” I paid attention to that. So I have something to think about. She assured me again that I’m not a perverted deviant, even though people reading this post may disagree now that my secret is out… 😦

Anyway, towards the end I told her that during our last session, when the whole mouth thing came to its horrifying conclusion, I had an image during that session of me slitting my wrists. Just a brief flash but it’s been replaying in my head during the day, everyday. That of course alarmed her and she started in with all the typical questions. I got really irritated because as I told her, I wasn’t trying to start anything by saying it, I just figured I should mention it. I get really annoyed when people freak out about some little statement I make. She was glad I told her and we talked about safety. She asked me what I needed at this point to make me safe and I was at a loss. I said “What’s between here and the hospital?” I honestly had no idea. She made sure that I wasn’t planning anything right now. I told her the truth, that I’m not. But I told her I’ve always had a contingency plan and that’s the truth too. She told me to tell my husband and that no self-harm was acceptable, period! I groaned like a teenager being told they were grounded. But, when I got home, I told my husband and I gave him the razor I had and the lighter. Woo hoo… 😛

At this point I’m pretty dead inside, I’m not feeling much. And at this very second I’m wondering if people here hate me now because of what I said. It’s ok, you can hate me, I really would understand. When I’m not dead inside I hate me too.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Therapy, shame, blame and going nuts

  1. roseroars says:

    I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough to be so open with your therapist. As for not feeling much today, your psyche might be tired from yesterday.

    You are not perverted. I have a similar part inside me, too. She’s very scary and annoying, and doesn’t listen well.

    Safety talks……you know they have to do it.

    Are you feeling a little better?

    Lisa

    • tai0316 says:

      I saw your post and I know that your tired to from remembering and from being an awesome mom to your kids. You amaze me. I’m still pretty numb so we’ll see how the day goes. The suicidal image is still there and it’s making my arm feel all tingly like it wants me to cut it but I won’t.

      • roseroars says:

        Oh, buggers on me. If I can write something in support or empathize with what you’re experiencing it helps me and others. I’m not being voyeuristic or looking to be triggered, but to see how you are learning about yourself, and the directions therapy is going for you are also good for my personal healing journey.

        The only amazing thing about me lately is making it alive to the end of the day, but thank you. 🙂

        Does it feel like your arm has a mind of it’s own? Is it distracting you a lot today?

      • tai0316 says:

        Yes my arm definitely has a mind of it’s own. That image is driving me crazy! I always get a physical sensation when I want to cut so it’s like that but now connected to suicidal ideation.

      • roseroars says:

        Sometimes the urge to look at “naughty” stuff leads to sexual self-injury for me. Then I feel like a miserable, worthless, shameful nothing. The intense work in therapy is making that worse.

        I want to tell you that we don’t hate you, and neither does your therapist. You don’t believe that and I understand, but I’m saying it anyway. There.

      • tai0316 says:

        You hit the nail on the head Lisa. Actually, it’s that I don’t want to believe that people will hate me the more they find out about me, but I always think that they will ayway. You said exactly how I feel about looking at that stuff and the sexual self-injury thing is right there with it. And you nailed it again that all of this stuff in therapy makes it worse. My bipolar brain ain’t handling stuff so well either. Part of me just wishes that I could go to the hospital and be as crazy as I wanna be 😦

  2. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Good for you! I know how difficult it is to share shaming things with your therapist.

    jo

  3. I don’t hate you Tai. I feel for you. Whether you were exposed to that stuff during the abuse or not, it makes sense to me that you would go to it now. I went through a stage where I did too, and I’d act out to it, re-enacting the abuse from my childhood. I felt so filthy and disgusting, and so ashamed of myself. I have never told anyone (until now). I have since learned that I was exposed to it as part of the abuse and I guess in a way that helps me to make more sense of my behaviour.

    I can SOOO relate to that shame. It makes sense to feel ashamed, call yourself a slut, etc; it makes sense that when you feel shame, you feel relief. Because when you blame yourself, you don’t have to acknowledge the fact that a powerful adult hurt you, a powerless and innocent child, so very very badly. With shame, you protect yourself from feeling that pain. In time, you will be able to tolerate feeling the pain more and eventually let go of the shame. I trust you will do this because you are obviously working so hard. I have written several blog posts on shame – maybe it would help to have a read?

    So glad you got rid of the razor and lighter!

    Go gently,
    Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      I really appreciate the “I don’t hate you” thing. I keep expecting it to happen any day now. It made me feel better to read that you went through this too even though I’m sorry you did. If you have any blog posts that you’d like me to read, go ahead and put the links in a comment so I can go over them. Thanks.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I don’t hate you. The compassion and empathy you show to others indicates who you are at your core. That core is, for want of a better word, caring and good. You couldn’t control the people around you in the past, no matter how much you wanted to. Abusers see an opportunity, they don’t see good or bad. They are the ones who are evil and bad.

    I know how confusing looking at the images can be. Please go gently on yourself… you’ve made huge gains through your ability to be honest with your therapist (who I would be willing to bet, thinks of you as courageous).

    One thing that helped me when trying to understand the ones within the system who were created to deal with the sexual abuse… was to try and understand their motivations for their actions. Some I still don’t know, but some were for protection… they protected us from experiences no child should go through. Sometimes those old patterns of coping get mixed up in the present…

    I’m glad you gave your razors and lighter to your husband. Safe boundaries are good 🙂

    Please take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      As I told Dawn I keep expecting to hear/read people saying that they hate me. I’m expecting to hear my therapist say it even though logic tells me she wouldn’t. But would she not say it because therapist aren’t supposed say what they really think or because she really doesn’t hate me. Ugh.
      I’m glad you said something about thinking baout the motivations of these different parts. I hadn’t thought about why she’s there or should I say, here. I sometimes make assumptions that are very surface, very basic like ‘Oh this one must be here because of my mom’ or ‘This one’s probably here because we were alone a lot’ stuff like that. Generalizations I guess. I never really think about the why’s I just gloss over it. maybe I should think about why she’s here and what her purpose is.

      And I am, of course, keeping you in my thoughts as well 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        Therapists may not necessarily tell you their opinions, or what they are thinking at any one time in therapy. But, the good ones tend to have the awful distinction of having to turn away prospective clients… So, why would your therapist keep seeing you if she didn’t respect or like you? She cares.

        Please don’t get me wrong, i still struggle with dysfunctional behaviour and many within my system are a total mystery to me. I don’t have this healing thing sorted… I make mistakes and show my dysfunction at the most inappropriate moments.

        You’re doing good work… remember to pace it and go gently.

        Take care,
        CG

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