I had therapy yesterday and it’s interesting to me that what I planned on talking about didn’t really happen the way I thought it would. Because I’m there for a certain amount of time, I like to plan ahead of time what I’m going to bring up. Yesterday it was like I opened my mouth and said things that I didn’t even realize were in my head. I felt really vulnerable. I started off ok telling her about seeing my abuser’s face in sexual moments. Then I said the surprising stuff. I started saying that there must have been something about me as a kid that made people do bad things to me. I said that maybe my mom abused me and my real dad left me and my uncle molested me because of something they saw in me. My real father who was never married my mom, stopped coming around after my 5th birthday. That’s around the time of the sexual abuse as I was around 4 years old or so when that happened. My mother dumped me off at my grandmother’s around that time too, popping up here and there when she felt like it. I told my therapist that they all must have seen something in me that made them do those things. That it must have been something about me that made my uncle molest me and I wondered what they saw. She of course tackled that issue and I was surprised that I even said that because I’ve never thought that. Like I said, I just opened my mouth and these words just came out. Weird.
Then somehow I ended up telling her my biggest secret, that I look at “naughty” things (I actually said the real word in therapy). I told her that my alter called The Slut loves it when I do things that make me hate myself, things that make me feel dirty. I told her that the whole time, in my head I’m begging myself, “Don’t do this! Please I don’t want to look at this stuff! Please don’t!” But she’s there in the background telling me I’ve failed and that I’m a dirty little whore. Then, afterwards comes the relief when I hear her say that. I finally realized while I was talking in therapy that, the relief I get when she says that I’m a dirty little whore, is the same relief I get from cutting or burning. That was almost a revelation to me. I couldn’t look my therapist in the eye as I told her these things. That was my last secret and even though that stuff is pretend, I’m drawn to things that mirror what happened to me (I am NOT talking about kid stuff! I’m talking about adult stuff that reflects those situations. Let’s make that very clear!) I couldn’t look at her for most of the session. She thought that based on her experience, I may have been exposed to that stuff as part of the abuse. I guess that’s something that abuser’s do to get kids ready for that stuff. I know I saw some pretty hardcore stuff as a kid, I remember that, but I don’t know about during the abuse.
Anyway she said that if things had gone the way they were supposed to go naturally, I would’ve discovered my own sexuality in my own way, over time as I developed. Instead she said it was “thrust” on me against my will when I was very little. When she said the word “thrust” I had to control a flinch, yikes! Anyway, she said that my brain was too young to handle what was happening sexually. She said that the saddest part of sexual abuse is dealing with the aftereffects. She said that now, I’m questioning who I am and I’m suppressing this sexual side. Actually not just suppressing but rejecting this particular alter. She said that if I was being rejected by someone wouldn’t I strike out by being even more aggressive so-to-speak. For example with The Slut, she said that I’m telling this alter that I don’t like her. She’s over here away from everyone else like we’re enemies. That I’m rejecting her instead of feeling for her or accepting her. She said that, this alter would most likely say something like “You think I’m a slut? I’ll show you what a slut is!” and she’s strike out at me. When she said that, something inside went “Yep.” I paid attention to that. So I have something to think about. She assured me again that I’m not a perverted deviant, even though people reading this post may disagree now that my secret is out… 😦
Anyway, towards the end I told her that during our last session, when the whole mouth thing came to its horrifying conclusion, I had an image during that session of me slitting my wrists. Just a brief flash but it’s been replaying in my head during the day, everyday. That of course alarmed her and she started in with all the typical questions. I got really irritated because as I told her, I wasn’t trying to start anything by saying it, I just figured I should mention it. I get really annoyed when people freak out about some little statement I make. She was glad I told her and we talked about safety. She asked me what I needed at this point to make me safe and I was at a loss. I said “What’s between here and the hospital?” I honestly had no idea. She made sure that I wasn’t planning anything right now. I told her the truth, that I’m not. But I told her I’ve always had a contingency plan and that’s the truth too. She told me to tell my husband and that no self-harm was acceptable, period! I groaned like a teenager being told they were grounded. But, when I got home, I told my husband and I gave him the razor I had and the lighter. Woo hoo… 😛
At this point I’m pretty dead inside, I’m not feeling much. And at this very second I’m wondering if people here hate me now because of what I said. It’s ok, you can hate me, I really would understand. When I’m not dead inside I hate me too.