Disappointment. I Hurt Inside. People Are Idiots


I had lunch with a friend today. I didn’t want to be by myself and I called her and she was all for it and it was my treat. After she told me what was going on with her, she said that I could be honest and tell her what was really going on with me. This friend is one a very, very few people who know I have DID. So, I told her. I didn’t make it dramatic and I didn’t get into to too much detail but it was obvious I was in a bad place. She told me that she didn’t understand what was wrong with me. She said I should confront the guy who abused me because that’s what she would do. She said that she doesn’t understand why her daughter has mental problems because she herself had things happen to her in life but she’s the type that just bounces back. Why couldn’t her daughter do that. Of course I’m thinking ‘What the hell does this have to do with me?’. He daughter has mental problems and she told me that once she saw her adult daughter cutting herself with a knife in the closet, so she went to the kitchen, and got a bigger knife, gave it to her daughter and told her daughter to stop “torturing” herself and just get the job done. Then she went to work. Yep you read that correctly. At that point I got sick and tired of her and I defended her daughter and told her she should be glad her daughter didn’t do it so she didn’t have to live with that the rest of her life. I said that people who do that stuff end up having friends and family who kill themselves even though they were clearly crying for help. I was so mad. She asked me about switching personalities (I have a spiritual side. I put that before her following idiotic statement) and she said “Can’t you tell when it’s going to happen? Why don’t you just pray and ask for (she made up a clearly joking, rude name like she was naming an alter) whatever her name is to go away?” What an insane thing to say. Stupid and insulting. At that point I had already dissociated enough that I was on auto-pilot. Internally, my system was insulted. And not happy. I couldn’t eat. There were other idiotic things said. I don’t remember everything I said. We hung out for a while, I even drove her, which I never do. I got in the car after dropping her off and whatever part of me that had been alive inside before lunch, died. I feel less than nothing now. I can’t even describe how I feel. I hate everyone and I hate people who are that stupid. She actually told me that if I needed her I could call her and she’d come over etc. Like I would ever call her, especially now. Nope, it’s just me and me, like usual. That’s what I get for taking someone at their word, for trusting someone. Again and again, I make the same stupid mistakes and I’m still surprised by people. I have the mother of all headaches.

I don’t mean this literally but I feel like dying. I want to isolate myself here in this house and never leave it again. How can you be numb and angry and frustrated and sad and dead inside all at once?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, headaches, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Disappointment. I Hurt Inside. People Are Idiots

  1. roseroars says:

    I’m so, so sorry. That’s just shockingly horrible behavior on her part. Nothing was your fault at all. Please realize that. Go easy on yourself. Put any blame where it belongs – on her and her complete lack of listening skills and loose definition of friendship.

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Lisa 🙂
      Thankfully my husband came home early and stayed with me tonight. I did not need to be alone. He doesn’t want me to see her anymore. I have a talent for picking non-blog 🙂 friends who aren’t that great.
      You guys are always great though. Thank goodness.

  2. I'm DID & so am I says:

    You’ve got to me shitting me! How can someone be so ignorant? It’s not you, it’s her.
    Take care,
    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      jo, thank you so much, because your first sentence made laugh out loud and I had to control my giggling. Thank you for that, I needed it. I think I’m still in shock about what happened. It’s like this afternoon wasn’t real. Like I said I disscoated after a point. Maybe that was for the best since I heard enough as it was. Thank you jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Oh by the way jo, your cat is awesome! 🙂

  3. castorgirl says:

    Geez… what did I tell you about agro Kiwi’s being willing to Skype talk your ignorant friends into playing nice in the sandpit??? Did you offer her a bigger shoe to stuff in her mouth, cos the one she was chewing on, just wasn’t big enough… not that she noticed!

    I agree with your husband, you don’t need people like this in your life. You are so incredible, you deserve good and caring friends who will listen as well as talk. They are out there too… like all things, they take time to find, and what you may find as you heal, that what you accepted from a friend awhile ago, is not longer acceptable. That can go with your gaining confidence and self-esteem. It doesn’t mean that you’ll lose friends, but that the friends who encourage and accept those changes are the ones to stay around…

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      I know, I know Skype right? Lol
      I don’t think there’s a big enough shoe in existence. I have to believe that there are better people out there and maybe as I change inside I’ll make better choices. You are wise CG 🙂
      I have dinner with the in-laws tonight which means I have to listen to my mother-in-law act like I have no mental problems whatsoever (mostly the bipolar thing) even though her daughter is bipolar. Apparently she likes to compare us and she thinks that her daughter is much sicker than I am, therefore I should be cooking and taking care of the house and taking care of her son. Whereas, her daughter can be mean and spiteful and live in filth because she so much worse of than me. Of course she can vacation as much as she wants and she manges to do anything else but apparently that doesn’t matter. I’ll try not to slam her head into the table. Ouch sorry I’m coming off really bitter. I don’t know where that came from. I’m tired of idiots.
      On a positive note, I hope you have a peaceful weekend and that you find something beautiful to enjoy. 🙂

  4. You are so right, she was being an idiot. You don’t need that and I agree with your husband about staying away from her. I also agree with CG – as you heal, you’ll make better choices. I know those people are out there.

    Take care,
    Dawn

  5. callmeams says:

    What an effin’ bitch! If I’d have been her daughter I’d have taken that big knife and stabbed her with it. Sorry, it’s the bipolar in me I swear. Congrats to you for not picking up your spoon and carving out her insides. You are so much better than that and deserve much better than that. I’m so pissed for you. You want me to call her and let her know just how lucky she was that she was with someone as wonderful as you and not some crazy, violent person like me who would have done her harm for her insensitivity?

    Amy

    • tai0316 says:

      Hehe thank you Amy 😀 and believe me I understand the bipolar, angry, I want to hit you in the head with anvil thing. At the time I was trying to help someone who’s ignorant (and stupid) to readjust their view, to see things differently. I doubt it worked but what could I do? Besides of course using the spoon lol!
      Thanks for being pissed for me too. I can feel hurt easier than I can feel anger at times like that. I don’t know how I’m going to deal with her from now on as I still have to see her, so thta should be interesting. I have this feeling she’ll be bringing this up from now on and I can’t let her do that so I’ll end up saying something.

  6. Suni says:

    With a friend like that….I’d stay home & eat crackers b4 I call her! Her inability to be truthful to herself is her problem….don’t let that kind of negativity around you. But when it does, the first sign she asked u to see…was her …a giant negative, minus sign. Next time u experience this type A personality….pick up ur rear & move on feet…take ur heart & ur mind away from a loser that thinks she’s a winner….close that part of ur mind to her and do not beat up urself for all her worth. As for her maternal nature…girl …call CPS right now on her ass! It isn’t getting even with her …it’s saving that precious misunderstood daughter b4 she kills her mom or herself!
    Hang in there. I just happened to seeking some answers today for my own disappointments & found this board. As I sat here reading several, I find that tho I don’t have any solutions to pour outta some box on the normal shelf and I have reach higher for the off label answers…U helped me more than any that offer the quick fix. If u think about it from ur other personality…they’ve already told u….beat feet, get some sleep, plenty to eat & think ur neat!…More than u need? Naw, makes sense if read the back of the box upside down….LOL

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