I had lunch with a friend today. I didn’t want to be by myself and I called her and she was all for it and it was my treat. After she told me what was going on with her, she said that I could be honest and tell her what was really going on with me. This friend is one a very, very few people who know I have DID. So, I told her. I didn’t make it dramatic and I didn’t get into to too much detail but it was obvious I was in a bad place. She told me that she didn’t understand what was wrong with me. She said I should confront the guy who abused me because that’s what she would do. She said that she doesn’t understand why her daughter has mental problems because she herself had things happen to her in life but she’s the type that just bounces back. Why couldn’t her daughter do that. Of course I’m thinking ‘What the hell does this have to do with me?’. He daughter has mental problems and she told me that once she saw her adult daughter cutting herself with a knife in the closet, so she went to the kitchen, and got a bigger knife, gave it to her daughter and told her daughter to stop “torturing” herself and just get the job done. Then she went to work. Yep you read that correctly. At that point I got sick and tired of her and I defended her daughter and told her she should be glad her daughter didn’t do it so she didn’t have to live with that the rest of her life. I said that people who do that stuff end up having friends and family who kill themselves even though they were clearly crying for help. I was so mad. She asked me about switching personalities (I have a spiritual side. I put that before her following idiotic statement) and she said “Can’t you tell when it’s going to happen? Why don’t you just pray and ask for (she made up a clearly joking, rude name like she was naming an alter) whatever her name is to go away?” What an insane thing to say. Stupid and insulting. At that point I had already dissociated enough that I was on auto-pilot. Internally, my system was insulted. And not happy. I couldn’t eat. There were other idiotic things said. I don’t remember everything I said. We hung out for a while, I even drove her, which I never do. I got in the car after dropping her off and whatever part of me that had been alive inside before lunch, died. I feel less than nothing now. I can’t even describe how I feel. I hate everyone and I hate people who are that stupid. She actually told me that if I needed her I could call her and she’d come over etc. Like I would ever call her, especially now. Nope, it’s just me and me, like usual. That’s what I get for taking someone at their word, for trusting someone. Again and again, I make the same stupid mistakes and I’m still surprised by people. I have the mother of all headaches.
I don’t mean this literally but I feel like dying. I want to isolate myself here in this house and never leave it again. How can you be numb and angry and frustrated and sad and dead inside all at once?