What’s between here and the hospital? In Limbo…


Edit: Since writing the post below, I have thought about what the images I’m seeing really mean and I realized that I’m not suicidal. What I want, is to do serious harm to myself but not die. I’m going to call my psychiatrist Monday morning and see what he thinks I should do to be safe. I know that still sounds dangerous but I don’t want to die.

I have no idea what to do in Limbo, the land between where I am now and going to the psych hospital. At this point I’m not technically a danger to myself as defined by mental health professional in a hospital because I’m not planning anything. But, all I see in my head are images of doing serious harm. My arms keep talking to me about it. But there’s no plan and they always ask if you have a plan and what it is. That would get me a return trip home from the E.R. So what do I do  in Limbo? There’s only so much distracting myself I can do. I did something helpful for someone else yesterday so I focused on the needs of another person. That didn’t work because as soon as that was over every feeling was back. I had dinner with my in-laws and I was so mental I couldn’t look anyone if the eye, I was slightly manic and just really, really off. Everything they said and did pissed me off and the whole meal I had an image of me banging my head against a wall until it bled. I’ve had that image in my head for at least a week or more now though. So, I’m stuck in Limbo: not bad enough to go to the hospital but not good enough to be out either. My mother-in-law kept touching me while talking, you know like normal people do, and I wanted to jump up screaming and tell her to get her hands off of me. My friend from the other day’s post did the same thing that day but she rubbed her hands all over my arms and my thigh while demonstrating something she was talking about. AHHHHH!

I think what’s happened is that it started as sadness, shame, guilt etc. connected to the abuse and now my bipolar mind’s been triggered and it’s moved on to another ballgame. Now it’s a bipolar thing because a switch has been flipped. Great…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, headaches, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to What’s between here and the hospital? In Limbo…

  1. meredith says:

    Here’s the deal, tai… if I were doing intake, I would conclude you have a plan. Don’t wait to see if you play it out. Seriously. You may not know how to articulate that you have a plan, but you definitely indicate that it’s progress is significant.

    Please. If you’re not okay, and you’re starting to escalate… go in to the ER. Please.

    The dumbest diagnosis question I’ve ever heard is, “HOW do you plan to harm yourself?”

    MY question to you is… how committed are you to harming yourself? If you have plans coming together in your head (and you wrote that do), go somewhere safe, get on your cell phone, tell whomever is most likely to hear you that you are walking on broken glass and need help… and stay put until that someone can be with you, and who will help you find the right place to be. This isn’t something to work out for yourself, all by yourself.

    ~meredith~

    • tai0316 says:

      I’m sorry, didn’t mean to make you upset. Really. Is it weird that I’m like ‘I don’t have time for this right now, I have things to do’? I have something important to do on Monday morning and then I see my therpist that day too. I’m thinking, ‘I can’t fall apart right now, I’m busy.’ I’d like to see my therapist on Monday and tell her how I feel and what I’m seeing and then see what she says.

      You’re right , my mind’s made some progress, I’m just not quite there yet. Isn’t that a sad thing to type: I’m not quite “there” yet. What I mean is that sometimes the knowledge that I will see my therapist helps me so I can get to her first. And you’re right that question at the hospital is super dumb! I wonder how many people get turned away from ER’s because of that question?
      The good thing is, that my husband knows a bit, so if it got really bad before Monday I could tell him. It’s just that he seems irritated if I say something about it right now like ‘Oh here we go again.’ Maybe I’m misinterpreting him, I don’t know.

      I’m really, really sorry if I upset you meredith 😦 I didn’t mean to start any kind of worry, I just feel like I’m limbo like I said. Kind of waiting for the next step in my head, not the action but a firming up of the plan to get to the action. Does that make sense? It’s like, if the “end” was step 5, I’d be at step 3 with step 4 being a firm plan and a reslove to do it. God, I’m making this sound worse, I’m honestly not trying to. Jeez. Maybe I should quit typing before I make it even worse 🙂 Honest I’m ok right now, promise.

      • meredith says:

        Oh, tai,

        Thank you for writing back to me. It helps me to understand how to read your writing.

        Don’t apologize for upsetting me. I’m just upset, and sensitive all the way around, today. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head. I’m sorry I flipped out.

        Okay. Now we’re all sorry… I need a hug or I’m going to start crying.

        ~meredith~

      • tai0316 says:

        HUG!!!! Don’t apologize, I love you big time!

      • tai0316 says:

        meredith, I had to add a second reply since I was with my husband at the time and couldn’t say what I wanted.
        You picked up on the tenor of my message, so don’t think that you read me wrong. I didn’t understand myself at the time. I didn’t realize that I’m not at the suicidal point yet just the do ‘extreme harm to myself’ point haha (sarcastic) *eye roll*

        I’m sorry that you have stuff making you upset, so I’ll be sorry for the both of us.
        Love ya!

  2. Holly Gray says:

    Hi tai,

    I just wanted to mention that having a plan to harm yourself isn’t the only indicator of imminent danger. We’ve been hospitalized several times and, as far as I know, never had a plan. They kept us because, plan or not, at those times we weren’t safe out in the world. It used to really irritate me, in fact, when I’d hear stories about people going to the hospital and flat-out saying, “I want to die and here’s how I’m going to do it,” and being sent home when I – someone not at risk of suicide at all – kept getting involuntarily hospitalized. Now I understand that danger doesn’t always mean deliberate self-harm. You said:

    “But, all I see in my head are images of doing serious harm. My arms keep talking to me about it.”

    Because you have DID, your situation is a bit different. You may have no intention whatsoever of causing harm to yourself, but other members of your system may, for whatever reason (perhaps thinking they’re protecting you somehow). One of my hospitalizations occurred when a system member overdosed. To the outside world, that probably looked like a suicide attempt. In fact, we were so dissociative that we were rapidly switching and various members kept taking medication, not realizing it had already been taken. I share that because I think, particularly with DID, it’s really important to understand that danger doesn’t just mean “I want to kill myself.”

    Holly

    • tai0316 says:

      Hmmm…interesting point. You know since I posted that i have clarified what I actually want to do to myself and it’s not dying, it’s doing serious harm to myself, serious enough that I’d end up in the hospital anyway. You knowm I’m going to edit that post so it doesn’t cause alarm. I’ll state a clarification now that I understand myself better. You’re thoughts though were very interesting and something i had not considered as I was undiagnosed DID the last 4 hospitalizations.

      • roseroars says:

        Hey. Just popping in to say: 1. Holly rocks! 2. I understand the editing and updating and postponing of self-harm/suicidal ideation statuses. With my schedule this week I won’t have time for any of those things until one week from Monday! (not sayin’ I planned anything…)

        Pin hubby down if you have to, get right in his face and tell him you need some assistance NOW. It’s hard to schedule times like these around other people. Better to ask for help now, than be forced to get it later.

        Be safe and take care of yourself.

        Lisa

      • tai0316 says:

        1)yes she does
        2) Thank you
        3) I did pin him down and we’re good I think

        Thank you Lisa 🙂

    • tai0316 says:

      Holly,
      I wanted to reply again to thank you for what you said, it’s very important stuff to think about and take into account. I actually forgot that I have another disorder to take into consideration besides the bipolar disorder. I have to remember that. I don’t tell most people that I’m DID so I forgot that it could be a factor.

      Thanks again Holly 🙂

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I agree with Holly… what makes DID difficult when considering anything to do with self-harm or suicidal ideation/intent, is the layers of hiding that can happen. At times, I’ve had the images that you describe going on in my head constantly, and there has been no real threat – it was a way that one in the system was communicating with the rest of us. At other times I’ve had the images, and wow, were we in trouble! The thing is, for the ones who do most of the daily functioning, we couldn’t really tell the difference. That’s why being assessed by a mental health professional is so important – and preferably one who knows you well. It’s easy to hide the real risk beneath the layers of dissociation, and it’s really easy to get out of control really quickly.

    To echo the others, talk to your husband, do your grounding, etc.

    It’s Sunday over your way now… how are you feeling today?

    Sending lots of positive thoughts…
    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      Again, you guys make a good point about considering the DID angle. Since I’ve been diagnosed with DID I’ve often wondered if it was an alter in the past who would alert people when I was in serious trouble. I always thought it was weird that with no thought of my own, (I would be completely numb and ready, with a plan to end it all) somehow, my therapist or psychiatrist would get told how bad things were so I could be hospitalized. I mean I told them but I would sound dead to my own ears and I was always puzzled by my own behavior. Why would I tell when I was truly ready to die? I just woke up so I’m not making much sense yet
      but I just mean that it seemed weird, like it was some other part of me getting me help but, it felt that way before I was diagnosed DID.

      Anyway, the point that you make about things getting out of control really quickly is exactly why I’m calling my psychaitrist tomorrow. I know from experience that things can go from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat and suddenly you can be in a much worse place.

      Like I said, I just got up about 20 minutes ago so I haven’t been awake enough to do my own assessment but I think things are still the same today. So, I’ll call my doctor tomorrow and see what he says.
      Thanks so much for writing and for the insight. 🙂

  4. I'm DID & so am I says:

    I understand what it feels like. I’ve had too many graphic suicidal ideations. Always wondering why I can’t find the strength to follow though. I guess there’s that small, microscopic piece in my brain that doesn’t want to. It’s also difficult to find the strength to go the hospital. I’ve always felt I’ve failed everyone. Hope it all works out for you.

    jo

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