This is rough

So I called my psychiatrist this morning and he wants me to increase my dosage of Abilify. Up until now I’ve been taking 2mg every other day because of the headaches and that seemed to help. Now he wants me to take 4mg everyday for a week to get faster results. He said that if I feel like I’m in danger of harming myself that we’ll need to get me in somewhere. So…now what? I just wait? I’m waiting to see if I escalate or not. Great. I’m sitting here just feeling my arms wanting me to hurt them, literally wanting to bang my into a wall until I bleed…and I’m just waiting…AHHH! I don’t know what to do this reeks! Oh and my therapist called me on Sunday, I knew that it couldn’t be good news, and she’s sick so there’s no therapy today either. I could laugh!


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, Family Relationships, headaches, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to This is rough

  1. meredith says:

    You could laugh… of course you could. But this isn’t fun, or funny.

    You may not be ready to cry, tai, but hurting yourself is a way of crying, of dealing with the pain. Maybe there’s another way to cry that’s physical. I scrub floors, or go outside and rake and dig in the garden until the hurt is worked out, sometimes. I run… but I have to be careful with that because I turn the run into an assault on my body, if I’m not careful.

    I don’t have answers. Sometimes life just hurts a lot. I’m sorry you’re hurting so much. I am sending my grandmother’s handmade quilt to wrap around you, and comfort you with my superhuman sending powers.

    Hang tight, girl. I love you.


    • tai0316 says:

      Hey meredith 🙂
      I know there are no answers right now, just a lot of frustration. I can’t think of anything physical to do, I have muscle illness issues so that rules out really, really physical stuff. I could knit lol but I don’t think that’ll do it. I don’t know…limbo continues…
      Thank you for the “quilt” though 🙂

  2. roseroars says:

    When I was in college I had a therapy blanket. If I felt alone, stupid, ugly, unwanted, suicidal, angry, whatever, I would crochet in any damn stitch I wanted for as many rows as I wanted. By the second semester it was nine feet long, quite colorful, and totally misshapen. It really helped at times, though.

    How about a movie to get lost in? Browsing around the mall? Video games? Throwing rocks at trees? I don’t know. I just want you to feel better.


    • tai0316 says:

      I’m working on a scarf right now. Thank you for caring Lisa it mean a lot. It all feels like distractions and delays. I like the throwing rocks at trees 🙂

  3. castorgirl says:

    Sometimes all we can do is keep on breathing. Try distractions while you’re breathing though… Breathing and distracting help, and they’re better than passively waiting.

    I know that feeling about your arms – I bashed my arm against my therapists doorway last week. Not a recommended move, by the way.

    Sending positive thoughts your way…

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks CG. I do forget to breathe sometimes, I mean focusing on breathing. And yea waiting sucks. Ouch on your arm though 😦

      • castorgirl says:

        Yeah, not a smart move on my part. So, I can say this with the dubious wisdom that comes from following through on the urges… please don’t do it.

        What you describe in your response to Holly, sounds like a trigger reaction. All I can say is that, although it doesn’t seem like it, the feeling does eventually pass. The images may get more and more graphic; but if you can breathe, distract and ground, it might help.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        I will try not to, honest.
        I agree that it was a trigger reaction, you can’t argue with the timing of it. I don’t know how to use grounding techniques when it’s gone beyond DID to include bipolar issues too. I’m not used to having serious issues arise with both disorders at the same time you know?
        Knitting didn’t last very long 🙂

  4. Holly Gray says:

    Hi tai,

    My experience on Abilify was barely tolerable because the drug exacerbated my anxiety to an enormous degree. I couldn’t sit still, I was constantly agitated, distressed, wanting to scrape my skin off my body. It was a little terrifying and more than a little uncomfortable. Once I got off the drug the anxiety calmed considerably. I’ve since heard that this is a common experience for many people. Is it possible you’re having a reaction to the Abilify?

    For all I know you’ve been taking it for eons, so please forgive me if I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. I just thought it worth mentioning.


    • tai0316 says:

      You’re not sticking your nose in anywhere 🙂
      Abilify does cause restlessness for a lot of people that can be quite unnerving. It happened to me at first and it’s one of the reasons we went to 2mg every other day, but mostly it was because of the headaches. The restlessness stopped after that. I always consider that meds could be a reason for problems, it happens so often as you know. I’ve been taking Abilify this time around for hmmm a month, month and a half, I’m not sure. I don’t know if it would have done this sooner if it was the problem, but it’s always possible.

      What I looked at was that, after one of my therapy sessions, when something really awful came out, I had an immediate and clear image of slitting my wrists (sorry if that’s too graphic 😦 ) Ever since then the images have become constant and have been added to. As I said before, it’s like it started out as a reaction to therapy and then it triggered the bipolar craziness, the bipolar part took over, and now the ball is rolling out of my control. But you’re right too, Abilify can be very uncomfortable. Thanks Holly 🙂

      • Holly Gray says:

        Whew! I’m so glad that was alright for me to say (I stick my foot in my mouth a lot 😐 ). And I’m also glad your experience with Abilify has been better than mine.

        I can’t even imagine what it would be like to live with Bipolar Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder, tai. I can absolutely understand what you mean about something awful coming out and the self-injury images being triggered (not too graphic for me at all, by the way). I don’t pretend to fully understand it but I can totally relate. The triggering of the bipolar takes it to a new level though.

        Like roseroars (love the blanket idea!) I tend to go for distraction, but I know there are times when one is past the point where distraction will be effective. Hopefully that’s not where you are, but if so, I echo what CG said that sometimes all we can do is breathe. A therapist once told me, “Holly, it’s not always one day at a time. Sometimes it’s one second at a time.” There’s only one good thing I can say about those times – when I finally come out the other side, I’m pretty impressed with myself.

      • tai0316 says:

        A wise saying from that therapist for sure.
        I have to keep a sense of humor about the double bipolar/DID thing, otherwise what would one do? When I was first diagnosed DID earlier this year, I had to ask both my therapist and my psychiatrist if it was even possible to have both and they both said “yes, absolutely”. I had to hear it for myself because it seemed ridiculous. But, bipolar disorder runs in my family so we have a genetic thing with mental stuff. Woohoo! 🙂

        The Abilify headaches returned today because of taking 2 dosages in a day so that’s not cool but oh well. By the way Holly, you’re great, I love having you here. 🙂

  5. Holly Gray says:

    You have impeccable timing, tai. I needed a boost. Thank you.

    I was lucky enough not to have headaches – well, any more than normal – on Abilify. Oh and another fun side effect? I lost about 6 lbs while taking it. Of course, it was because I was too anxious to eat so maybe not too fun after all. 😉

  6. Tai, in the absence of your therapist, may I send you some words from mine?

    You wrote “after one of my therapy sessions, when something really awful came out, I had an immediate and clear image of slitting my wrists”. This makes sense to me as I had a similar experience a couple months back. My therapist said this is an understandable reaction and he encouraged me to re-direct any blame, anger, etc towards my abuser instead of myself.

    The other thing you have spoken about is distracting. You’ve said that you distract and when you’re done, the images just come back. Sometimes I have been so p***ed off that I have to keep distracting for hours and hours. I have complained to my therapist, “am I supposed to keep this up day in and day out? for how long?”. He basically said “yes”. Which didn’t help with my frustration level. However, I do understand (now) that if you don’t, you suffer and if you do, at least you get moments of not suffering.

    Maybe that’s not what you want to hear right now. I want to help, but … well, if it’s not helpful, then just ignore me. 🙂 I can’t imagine how hard it is for you right now. And having your therapist away is another blow. I also don’t understand what it is like with the bipolar thing going on as well. From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’ve been doing your best and getting through the moments. But I must admit I am worried for you. I am worried that you might act on these thoughts/images at any moment and I don’t want you hurt any more than you already are. Please keep writing and sharing. All the best,

    • tai0316 says:

      Dawn you’re awesome. 🙂 And helpful so I will never ignore you.

      Looking at what your therapist said, I know I should re-direct the anger and shme etc, that’s very true, it’s a matter of putting what I know I should do, into practice. When I started therapy I came in to talk about losing hours of time and things being put in mysterious places that I didn’t put them etc. Then I got the DID diagnosis and we started talking about the physical abuse from my mother. Then after I cut my mother out of my life, I brought up the one sexual thing out of nowhere and all of this awful stuff started coming up. The reason I say that, is because I was completely unprepared to have to deal with this kind of abuse or this kind of abuser, so I’m at a loss as to what to do with him so-to-speak. I don’t know how to re-direct anything to someone I haven’t seen since I was a child. The advice is totally on point, it’s a matter of me not knowing how you know?

      I had to laugh when you stated what your therapist said about distracting, because I would’ve reacted like you. It doesn’t feel very helpful when they say stuff like that. But you’re right that it does give you a break for a moment. My problem is that the moments are a few minutes at best and I don’t know how long that will be good enough.

      The pivotal point is, will I know fast enough if I’m shifting into a worse place? I’ve been good in the past on warning my doctor or therapist that I’m suicidal, but wanting to do serious non-dying harm is another matter that I’m not as familiar with. Usually I go from 0- suicidal quite quickly and I recognize it. This type of ideation is a newer one. It’s ok though, I believe that if I feel like I can’t fight the impulse anymore that I will call my doctor and they will send the paddywagon out to get me lol 🙂 Thank you so much for your concern Dawn, it means a lot!

  7. meredith says:

    Hi, tai;
    You have lots and lots of support, so I’m stuck about whether to say anything. Okay. Lately, when things begin to come undone for me (and they’ve come undone big time), I tell myself to look at my hands. Not just a casual glance. I stop, I lift my hands up, and I look at them. I turn them over, looking at the wrinkles, freckles, and age spots and I think, “these are MY hands.” I don’t know what it is about looking at my hands deliberately, but my mind makes a connection. MY hands. MY power. My life. My choices.

    This may not be helpful at all for you, but for me it is having a profound effect… MY HANDS! It’s like this is the first time I’m seeing them… and they belong to ME.

    If you slash, you will get to see your blood… but it won’t be helping you, anymore. It will flow away from you and never come back. I know how intense suicidal thoughts are… but YOUR HANDS are remarkable, and they can do amazing things. So look at them and ask yourself, “is this what I want to do with these gorgeous hands?

    • tai0316 says:

      🙂 meredith I have to tell you where my mind is, since I can’t write my tone or expression, let me say that I say this while perversely amused (with a bemused smile). First let me say that what you said about your hands is really good. That was a serious, non-humor comment from. Now the perversely amused part. When you said that I would see my blood flow away and never come back, my first thought was ‘Yea but that’s what red blood cells and platelets are for! It’ll just make more!’ See?
      Since I don’t want to die just hurt, I’m totally rationalizing it. Stupid isn’t it? Honest your thoughts about really focusing on your hands and seeing them and realizing that they’re yours is something my therapist would love. 🙂

      • meredith says:

        I knew I was taking a big risk with your humor when I wrote about the blood… I knew it! 😉 But keep your blood where it belongs. I can go to the dark side with you, humor-wise… but you’d better think twice about messin’ around with me. I’m older and far more cynical. 🙂


      • tai0316 says:

        LOL! I’m sorry I can’t help laughing! I needed a laugh, and isn’t it weird that it’s based on blood of all things?! How wrong! I’m still laughing. 😀 Thank you. (I’m so weird)

      • meredith says:

        Good! I laughed when I wrote it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s