Have you ever been saddened by the realization that you’re not like other people? I mean has it ever hit you really hard? A moment in time when you hear of an opportunity you’d like to take or an accomplishment that would have been within your grasp at one time in your life. You realize that things are different for you now, and that sucks. You try hard to do what you can with what you’ve got, but perhaps it comes down to pure jealousy. I feel jealous I guess. I hear of people I know, moving on to other things, things I would like to do but am unable to because of being…well hell what should I pick? I’ll go with being disabled since that’s more than official. I’m officially disabled because being bipolar has jacked me up enough that I can no longer work. When I was at my last job, it was bad enough that if I went in that day, I either left after an hour or less or I sat there crying or panicking and then I went home. I LOVED working. I loved my job, especially when I worked for the library for over 8 years. Good times. 🙂 I miss it. When I hear about people doing the things that I wish I could do, I go back to feeling useless. I heard about something like that tonight, an opportunity that is truly out of grasp but would have been something I could have done in the past, and I had an immediate visual reaction, like the ones I’ve been dealing with in my head these past couple of weeks. I wanted to hurt myself so badly. Sometimes it’s like, “Yes I get it, I suck. Alright already!” Adding DID and memories of sexual abuse isn’t helping things, it just makes it worse.
I’m going to get my haircut tomorrow. It’s not the big cut, it’ll be on a smaller scale to get me used to having short hair before the Big One which I’m thinking will probably be in January. Hmmm…that’s what I have to look forward to: a haircut. Awesome! And some dvd’s are coming out next month that I like. Woohoo!
Maybe I’m just whining, maybe I’m just sulking, I don’t know. I know how I feel. Alright enough of that. Boo hoo, poor me right?