A different “Have you ever…”


Have you ever been saddened by the realization that you’re not like other people? I mean has it ever hit you really hard? A moment in time when you hear of an opportunity you’d like to take or an accomplishment that would have been within your grasp at one time in your life. You realize that things are different for you now, and that sucks. You try hard to do what you can with what you’ve got, but perhaps it comes down to pure jealousy. I feel jealous I guess. I hear of people I know, moving on to other things, things I would like to do but am unable to because of being…well hell what should I pick? I’ll go with being disabled since that’s more than official. I’m officially disabled because being bipolar has jacked me up enough that I can no longer work. When I was at my last job, it was bad enough that if I went in that day, I either left after an hour or less or I sat there crying or panicking and then I went home. I LOVED working. I loved my job, especially when I worked for the library for over 8 years. Good times. 🙂 I miss it. When I hear about people doing the things that I wish I could do, I go back to feeling useless. I heard about something like that tonight, an opportunity that is truly out of grasp but would have been something I could have done in the past, and I had an immediate visual reaction, like the ones I’ve been dealing with in my head these past couple of weeks. I wanted to hurt myself so badly. Sometimes it’s like, “Yes I get it, I suck. Alright already!” Adding DID and memories of sexual abuse isn’t helping things, it just makes it worse.

I’m going to get my haircut tomorrow. It’s not the big cut, it’ll be on a smaller scale to get me used to having short hair before the Big One which I’m thinking will probably be in January. Hmmm…that’s what I have to look forward to: a haircut. Awesome! And some dvd’s are coming out next month that I like. Woohoo!

Maybe I’m just whining, maybe I’m just sulking, I don’t know. I know how I feel. Alright enough of that. Boo hoo, poor me right?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to A different “Have you ever…”

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    I get this feeling too. I think it’s part of human nature, not necessarily a pity party or anything. I suppose it depends on what you do with the feelings… Sometimes seeing other people with something that I’ve dreamed of, brings me down; but sometimes it spurs me onto healing.

    You don’t suck… you’re healing. That you’re doing that difficult work kinda makes you awesome 🙂

    Take care,
    CG

  2. roseroars says:

    Yeah.

  3. Yes tai, I can get really jealous … and angry and sad too. For me, it mostly goes like this: “I spent the first 18 years of my life surviving, then I spent 2 years breaking down, and ever since I’ve been trying to understand / keep surviving / heal. I’ve had the “disabled” label since my breakdown 16 years ago. I haven’t been able to work or study or socialise for much of that time. Now I have friends and they do so many things that I can’t do, they are educated, they are in good relationships, they enjoy life. And if it wasn’t for the s&%# that happened when I was a kid, I’d be able to do all those things too.” Not all my thoughts are entirely true and I do really give myself a hard time when I get depressed. You’re definitely not alone in feeling jealous. Sometimes I judge myself harshly for this, other times I think it’s justified.

    • tai0316 says:

      Thank you Dawn 🙂
      That makes me feel better even though I’m sad that you go through that too. I feels awful and I’m trying not to let it take me down you know? I can relate to everything you said. But, you’re amazing to me even if you don’t always think so. 🙂

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