Have you ever felt the need to change something about yourself?

I’m feeling the need for a change of my physical self. It feels like I don’t even know who i am anymore with everything that’s happened this year. I went through a similar feeling when I was first diagnosed bipolar in 2001. It was like everything I believed about myself was destroyed. Now with being diagnosed DID and re-living and remembering sexual abuse, more than I thought had happened, I again find myself in this place. I knew I had been physically abused, negelected, called a whore and told I was ugly by my mother. I knew my biological father abandoned me when I was no longer cute and the novelty of having a child wore off. I knew that my “Unlce” had kissed me between my legs around the age of four. I knew all those things and I accepted them even though they hurt beyond belief, beyond what I would acknowledge inside myself. Now, that I have remembered more sexual abuse and I see the truth of who i am, I don’t know who that person is. i don’t know who I am. I’m fragmented. There are seperate parts of me, they have names, and faces and they hold things that are secret and painful. I don’t know myself anymore. i still like the same books and movies but I see abusers everywhere and T.V. shows that only mildly bothered me before, now trigger me terribly. I see my so-called friends for who they really are and I realize that I chose these people. So now what?

Well, I’ve decided to cut my hair. Yep that’s it. Nut for me that’s a big deal as I have always wanted long hair. It’s an even bigger deal culturally which many may not understand, because after I cut my hair, the next step is going “natura”, no more chemical straightners, just the curly haor I was born with. I’ve done this once before and my hair is so insanely thick that I couldn’t handle the tangles. I’ve decided to give it another go. I may regret this big time, but hair grows back. Right now it’s limp and lifeless and I hate it and I want something different. I want to be myslef, whoever that is and I’m going to start with my hair. Maybe the real me really is faked straight hair but I’m gonna try. Maybe I was meant to be curly. My wonderful, loving, inspiring grandmother, always kept my hair natural and gorgeous. When I was little my natural hair went down my back, so I know it can be done. What an experiment! lol. Granted, I may be posting here in a few weeks lamenting my decision, so who knows. I just want to try and I want to figure myself out. So, now everyone is warned of what will be coming *looking at all of you and pointing my finger*

I’m still fighting this depression and the desire to do serious harm to myself, so maybe I’m distracting myself but I’ll take it. It’s really ahrd and some moments are harder than others. The hospital looks really good sometimes. Even though I always hate it there (it’s not a vacation spot), it’s safe and sterile. We’ll see what happens on that front. I’ve been thinking about everyone that I know who has trouble with holidays and I’m so sorry 😦 I don’t do holidays so it’s not an issue for me but I can so understand why it would be for others. I’m thinking about all of you. Today is almost over, for New Zealand it’s tomorrow already (CG). And December will pass, thank god! *eye roll* Hang in there guys…

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Have you ever felt the need to change something about yourself?

  1. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Getting you hair cut was a great idea. When I get my hair cut, I usually hate it for a few days, until I can work with it, then I like it. Just got mine cut a couple of weeks ago and now I like it. Since you don’t want to do any chemical straightners, how about a flat iron? Just until it’s gets long enough that you feel comfortable. Since you’re concerned about it being dry. Get yourself a good deep conditioner, not a condition you rinse out right away, one that stays in the hair for 10-15 minutes. Use it twice a week. Get one that has protein in it. It only will stay in the hair for about three days, that’s why twice a week works. Don’t expect results for a little while. Gee, can you tell what I do? Just wanted to offer some advice.

    I understand when you say you feel fragmented. I’m hoping things start getting better for you. I too, see, hear, smell tons of triggers. And then have to deal with the flashbacks.


    • tai0316 says:

      😀 You do hair jo? You’re a fountain of knowledge aren’t you 🙂

      I bought a book by a woman who’s my age who also went “natural” and went through the whole painful process and now has AWESOME hair. That’s my goal. We’ll see. Thank you so much for the tips, you cool lady!

  2. castorgirl says:

    Sorry, I don’t understand the significance of going natural with your hair. But I do understand that feeling of wanting to make changes and not feeling “right” in my skin. I often use my weight and hair to make physical changes to a perceived change internally. It’s so confusing… on one hand we are the same person we were yesterday, but a new knowing or understanding totally flips how we perceive ourselves.

    At the moment, I’m doing the opposite to you, and I’m growing my hair. I had short hair for about 5 years, and then decided earlier this year to grow it. I know growing it has triggered parts of the system… I had long hair as a child and I’m getting more memories associated with my hair than I ever did. So, I suppose I’m saying “be careful”. Yes, hair will grow back, but sometimes the changes can trigger things within the system that you’re not aware of beforehand.

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      lol it’s ok if you don’t understand the whole natural thing. 😀 let’s just say it’s a big undertaking since my hair is so thick and that sometimes when people stop looking like everyone around them, people can say stupid things (past experience, believe me *eye roll*) like ‘Oh…so…you decided to change your hair? That’s…different. Is that what you people look like normally’ Yep, stupid stuff like that. I’ll be growing my hair out too, as long as I can get it, I just have to cut the chemically straightened stuff off at some point. I’ll put pictures up of other people doing what I’m talking about. Again I may chicken out and go back to chemicals later so we’ll see.

      But, on a serious note, I think I understand what you’re saying about internal change. I can understand why you’ve been triggered by growing your hair out. I didn’t consider that point, I was focusing more on making sure that I wasn’t making a decision while being “crazy” and that I know what I’m doing. I went natural before without problems but I wasn’t aware of all of this stuff at the time either. I’m more nervous that this is a decision that I may not be fully logical about and that I’ll regret it later. That’s why I’m only cutting some of it off first to get used to it and then mor elater if I don’t chicken out. You make an excellent point that I need to kepp in mind though, hmmm…

      • castorgirl says:

        What other people have said is both stupid and insulting. Sorry you experienced that.

        I don’t know what the changes might mean for you, but I was hoping to make you aware of some of the possibilities. It now feels like my long hair is a punishment, so I like your idea of doing it in stages. Be a way to test out how it feels internally.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        If it’s not too personal CG, is there a reason you don’t cut your hair? Do you mean you’re punishing yourself? I just want to understand.

      • castorgirl says:

        My hair is a punishment, because it’s such a trigger. It’s now long enough to pull. I don’t think it’s a co-incidence that all of these new memories of early abuse are being triggered now that my hair is getting longer. I’ve tried to get it cut short again several times, but I dissociate as soon as I get near the salon, so it remains long.

      • tai0316 says:

        Oh CG I’m sorry 😦

        Do you think that there’s a part of you that needs to give you some information and that afterwards you will be able to cut your hair? I’m just hurting for you…

      • castorgirl says:

        I don’t know. Time will tell, I suppose.

        Take care of yourself…

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