I thought I was over it, how stupid am I?


I haven’t written for a while about the sexual abuse thing. And it was for a stupid reason. I didn’t want to make others feel bad because I hadn’t thought about that stuff in over a week. I thought I had made significant progress because I hadn’t thought about it. I kept it to myself though not wanting other readers to feel like they weren’t doing as well as I was. Typing it out doesn’t give you my tone when I write this though. I wasn’t feeling superior in any way, I was actually really surprised, but when I went to write about  it, I thought that it may come of as me rubbing people’s faces in it like “Haha, I made progress!” and I didn’t want to sound like that, because that was the opposite of how I felt. So, I had peace for about a week or so (not counting the crippling depression and violent images of self-harm haha :))

Fast-forward to yesterday evening. It came back, all of it. Him, what he did, the feelings in my body, body memories, guilt, shame, disgust, all of it. And I thought, “Well hell, you didn’t make any progress did you?” I don’t know why it came back and why it was so sudden. I’d actually thought that I’d reached a turning point. I thought, “Wow, this wasn’t so bad. I can probably quit therapy pretty soon.” I love that moment when I realize that therapy has accomplished it’s purpose and I can move on. My therapist knows when that time has come too and we always part ways happily. I thought I was at that point again. Not so.

It was kind of like, with the depression and violent images of self-harm, I was at a very sensitive point of balance. But at the same time I wasn’t having any thoughts about the sexual abuse either, which was nice. Now, after yesterday, my brain’s kind of scrambled. It doesn’t know what to process first: the abuse or the bipolar depression/self-harm issues. It’s very confusing. And I have no therapy this week to talk to her about it. That leaves my psychiatrist who I will be calling in about half an hour or so.

I had a weird thought/image/memory that I might have acted out what happened to me with my stuffed animals. Is that weird. Sorry that was a random thought.

Advertisements

About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, headaches, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I thought I was over it, how stupid am I?

  1. roseroars says:

    “I’d actually thought that I’d reached a turning point. I thought, “Wow, this wasn’t so bad. I can probably quit therapy pretty soon.” I love that moment when I realize that therapy has accomplished it’s purpose and I can move on. My therapist knows when that time has come too and we always part ways happily. I thought I was at that point again. Not so.” – I used to reach that point after about 6 months with a therapist. Then 6 months later I’d be looking for a new one.

    I think you did reach a turning point. You have more in your arsenal now to help cope and rethink about what happened.

    As for brain scrambles, maybe a collage or free-writing can help you focus. Or you could try my thing…..clean one corner of a room and only one corner until it’s done. Then take a break. Then do one more little thing until it’s done. Sometimes just one little thing gets done, but it helps me focus.

    One of the few memories I have is of me doing things to my Barbies. My therapist assures me that is perfectly normal for an abused child, and so does everything I’ve read about it. It’s difficult for me to play with the girl’s dolls or Barbies still. If it happened, it happened, and it’s okay.

    Lisa

  2. I'm DID & so am I says:

    Haven’t we all thought we were done and didn’t need the therapy anymore. I think that everytime I leave my therapist. Mine last a few minutes, if that.

    You can look an the horizon and know you are as beautiful as it is.

    jo

  3. castorgirl says:

    Tai, we can take care of ourselves. You don’t need to take care of us by omitting or adding anything. This is your blog, so you can write what you want and need.

    The memories, and the emotions that go along with them will take time to work through. Give yourself that time.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Yea I felt stupid when I wrote this post too. Did it come off as sanctimonious? That’s not what I meant. I can’t seem to say it right so that I don’t sound like an idiot.

      I think I was surprised by how relatively quickly I felt “better” about what had happened and then Wham everything hit all over again. I wasn’t expecting it I guess.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s