I haven’t written for a while about the sexual abuse thing. And it was for a stupid reason. I didn’t want to make others feel bad because I hadn’t thought about that stuff in over a week. I thought I had made significant progress because I hadn’t thought about it. I kept it to myself though not wanting other readers to feel like they weren’t doing as well as I was. Typing it out doesn’t give you my tone when I write this though. I wasn’t feeling superior in any way, I was actually really surprised, but when I went to write about it, I thought that it may come of as me rubbing people’s faces in it like “Haha, I made progress!” and I didn’t want to sound like that, because that was the opposite of how I felt. So, I had peace for about a week or so (not counting the crippling depression and violent images of self-harm haha :))
Fast-forward to yesterday evening. It came back, all of it. Him, what he did, the feelings in my body, body memories, guilt, shame, disgust, all of it. And I thought, “Well hell, you didn’t make any progress did you?” I don’t know why it came back and why it was so sudden. I’d actually thought that I’d reached a turning point. I thought, “Wow, this wasn’t so bad. I can probably quit therapy pretty soon.” I love that moment when I realize that therapy has accomplished it’s purpose and I can move on. My therapist knows when that time has come too and we always part ways happily. I thought I was at that point again. Not so.
It was kind of like, with the depression and violent images of self-harm, I was at a very sensitive point of balance. But at the same time I wasn’t having any thoughts about the sexual abuse either, which was nice. Now, after yesterday, my brain’s kind of scrambled. It doesn’t know what to process first: the abuse or the bipolar depression/self-harm issues. It’s very confusing. And I have no therapy this week to talk to her about it. That leaves my psychiatrist who I will be calling in about half an hour or so.
I had a weird thought/image/memory that I might have acted out what happened to me with my stuffed animals. Is that weird. Sorry that was a random thought.