Did I dissociate or what? I can’t tell…


So I went back to my hairstylist today because I didn’t think she took enough off during my big haircut last week. All I know is that I thought I was there and that everything was ok but after I left and I was running a couple of errands and then going home, everything felt very, very strange. Now of course I’ve dissociated before, but this almost felt like I lost time except, that I can tell you where I went today. It doesn’t feel right though. I feel really confused mentally like today wasn’t real. But, it doesn’t necessarily feel like derealization either. God, all these long words to describe this stuff! All I know is that I’m really confused and I feel strange like I’m not quite right. Something’s off and I can’t tell what it is. It’s slightly scary. I don’t know what happened and if I try to think about it my head feels weird like it did before I was diagnosed DID and there would be a mental block that I didn’t understand. almost like a physical wall is in my brain stopping me from getting through to the other side. I am so confused! I know what I did today! I know I do! I went to get my haircut again, she had a concert on her computer as entertainment while she did my hair, I had trouble understanding her at one point and I ended up overpaying her by a large margin, on my credit card, I left the salon, and I went to the grocery store to buy cookies, I called her from the parking lot and told her that I had made a mistake and I needed some of the money back which she said was fine. I went to a hair supply store to get some stuff to take care of my hair. I drove home and things looked really weird to me. The store felt weird too. The closer I got to home the sadder I got and I felt teary. I didn’t have anything to distract me anymore. But now I feel really strange like I’m missing some information or something. And I’m really tense. I’m kind of light-headed and my neck is so tight it’s making my head hurt. What’s wrong with me?

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Seroquel, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Did I dissociate or what? I can’t tell…

  1. meredith says:

    You have DID, and it sounds like you had a co-consciousness experience where another alter controlled the reigns. This would be a good time to do a messy collage with glue and paper, markers… magazines… all the stuff that was missing from the other collage.

    It’s very scary, tai. I understand exactly what you described, and I’ll bet others do, too. I’m so sorry.

    ~meredith.

    • tai0316 says:

      I love you to pieces meredith! You want so badly for me to make a messy collage you can hardly contain yourself lol 😛

      After thinking about your comment, I think I agree with you about the alter. I have no idea who it could have been but it was like there was only so much space in my head, and something was taking up more of it than I was. Like two people trying to share a space only built for one. My question would be: why? Why would an alter feel the need to come out and confuse the heck out of me? What was the purpose?

      As for a messy collage, I honestly don’t know if my personality will allow me to do something messy lol! Got any suggestions? 😀

      • meredith says:

        It’s not that I want you to do anything, tai. The deal is this: your posts don’t match your collages. The frustration, chaos, fear and self harm that you so bravely discuss don’t come into view. But that’s okay… for now. A time will come, though, when you’re going to have to put “pretty as a picture” aside so that you’ll stop hurting yourself. That’s my hope for you.

        I know you’ll find your way in your time. I just never doubt it. Having said that, I’m all for art of all shape and form. It’s cool, and I’m glad you’re doing visual work.

        You’re a Mighty Miss, Miss Thing. I mean it.

        ~meredith~

      • tai0316 says:

        You know what? You’re right about the contrast in what I say versus what I make as “art”. Now, of course I’m not very good with messy art anyway. When I was little, I was obsessed with never coloring outside of the lines and I had a special technique to make sure I didn’t. One of my young alters, the one who plays, she colors exactly the way I used to: very controllled.

        I think that in part, some of the problem is that, what I would post would be too brutal to be viewed by others. You could say that my mental collages (at least some of them) are very, very graphic. I can’t do those on Polyvore because people are free to look at what you make and you’re supposed to be careful about triggering people. At home, I could make those collages but only if I had very violent and pornographic magazines, which I don’t have. Then, even if I did have them, I couldn’t show them to anyone because they would be harmful to others. For example, if I did a collage on my feelings of self-harm, there would be razors and blood and all sorts of horrible faces etc. I can’t post that because it would hurt others and I can’t make that on Polyvore because it would trigger others. Polyvore is actually the easiest place to make collages because I don’t have to rely on magazines for the images, I can find them myself. But, I have to be aware that others can see what I do, so it ties my hands: I don’t have the images I need here at home to do on paper and, I can’t do it on Ployvore because it would be too harsh for others to view. 😦

      • castorgirl says:

        I’ve done some incredibly triggering and messy collages on Polyvore. As soon as I do them, I email them to myself and then delete them from Polyvore. That way I get to keep them and show them to my therapist, but don’t risk others seeing those emotions.

        Don’t worry about triggering others too much tai, have you seen some of the triggering stuff in that group? Some of it is pretty intense. Also think about whether you’re wanting to collage situations/memories, or the emotions associated with the events.

        Why not challenge yourself? Set the challenge of doing a set where nothing matches, or the border doesn’t fit, or an image is flipped around or something… it might help you relax a little more and let the art flow.

      • tai0316 says:

        CG, What a great idea about emailing the collages then deleting them! I didn’t think I could do that for some reason. What I’d want is to be able to collage both emotions and memories. Emailing them to myself sounds like a good option instead of not doing the work at all. I haven’t looked at too much stuff on Polyvore, because I don’t know what to expect. I’m always ok looking at yours because yours is very honest and beautiful but unflinching at the same time and I respect that and it helps me to get to know you better and also to look at myself and be honest with myself. I don’t know other people on Polyvore yet so I get nervous to look.

        I had to laugh because I think you and meredith must have teamed up to get me to do something less controlled and more random and messy lol! So, ok guys you win 😀 I’ll try it. I think with Polyvore I worry a little because usually when I start a collage I do several back-to-back and I don’t want to have to stop between each one to email it to myself and then delete. I’d rather do them all at that moment when the emotions are flowing, then when I’m done, email and delete.

      • castorgirl says:

        Only do what you want to regarding your art tai. We can offer suggestions, but it’s up to you and what you feel comfortable with. It’s only when it’s meaningful for you, that the art comes “alive”.

        Be careful when looking as some of the ASOA work. There is some triggering material in there – it’s not necessarily graphic, but the imagery/emotion can throw you.

        Thank you for the compliment 🙂
        Take care,
        CG

  2. Holly Gray says:

    Hi tai,

    Based on your description your experience today sounds normal for people with dissociative disorders. And not unheard of in those without one.

    What you describe sounds like a combination of more than one type of dissociation. Derealization can feel different when it manifests in concert with other types of dissociation. For instance, identity confusion, derealization, and depersonalization occurring together would feel different from derealization and dissociative amnesia together. You say you know what you did today – that implies the absence of dissociative amnesia. Sometimes having the information is harder than complete amnesia because it can be so disorienting.

    Also, dissociation in all its forms exists on a continuum. So dissociative experiences can feel very differently depending on the type of dissociation that manifests and the degree to which it (or they) occurs.

    Having said all of that, I want to mention that I’m certainly not a professional and am just responding to your description based on my own limited knowledge and extensive personal experience. So while the light-headedness and neck tension doesn’t sound odd to me, take my perspective with a grain of salt.

    Hope you’re feeling better.

    Holly

    • tai0316 says:

      Good ccall Holly 🙂
      I’m very familiar with the seperate types of dissociative symptoms but I hadn’t thought of the various combinations. I’ve experienced derealization and depersonalization together, but the added element of confusion made it very scary and I couldn’t understand what was happening. Things like overpaying my beautician by so much money, and being really confused yet knowing where I was, but still not really there. I think your thought about the continuum is good too, it reminds me of what my therapist had talked about before as far as severity of symptoms. That’s a good call too. Thanks Holly 🙂

  3. I'm DID & so am I says:

    There are so many types of dissociation, sounds to me it was. It’s like a disconnected dissocation, if that makes any sense. I have them all the time.

    jo

  4. callmeams says:

    This is exactly how I feel when I’m disconnected, at least that’s what I call it. I’m doing things, I’m functioning and I know it; but it almost feels surreal. My concentration is shot and I do things that I feel, later when I can think, are thoughtless and stupid, but I’m on autopilot. I’m in control, but not really. I feel like everything is covered with fog and even though I’m blundering my way through it, I only get spots of clarity here and there.

    • callmeams says:

      PS My therapist tried to tell me I was dissassociating (not sure on spelling) as I did when I was a child, but I can’t figure out why I would do it now. There is no reason. I’m not sure if it’s exactly the same as what you’re going through, but it sounds pretty similiar.

      • tai0316 says:

        Sometimes because we coped with stress (understatement of the century!) as kids by dissociating we do it now by habit whenever we’re stressed or triggered.

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