What Am I Waiting For?


I’ve gone from “I’d like to hurt myself seriously” to these little whispers saying “I want to die.” But, it’s like I’m waiting for something to make me go to the hospital. I don’t get it and I don’t know what it is. Even when I hear that little statement kind of breeze through my head, it’s almost like it’s a random thought but it’s taking the place of the previous thoughts of self-harm. But, it doesn’t feel completely serious yet. It’s like nothing’s solidified and I’m just…waiting. Waiting for what!? I have no clue what is going on inside my own brain!

I’ve taken the extra Seroquel at night as directed and I have slept better through the night. Has that helped? Nope. I’m still here in this crappy ass limbo. In fact things feel worse than they did before. I keep putting it off though, going to the hospital I mean. It’s like I keep thinking that if I can get through one more day without going in, that the next day will be better. But, the next day is not better, the next day is worse. I made a collage today on Polyvore, I swear (meredith) I tried to make it messy or perhaps more honest, but I can’t even post it here because there’s blood pictured. It’s still neatly done though. 🙂 It triggered me without my realizing that it would as I was making it because, as usual I didn’t really see what I was making until afterwards. The part that triggered wasn’t the blood or anything else. It was that by chance, I had picked a picture to clip that had a hallway going off to the sides both to the right and the left. In my mind I still have a unsubstanited image of my “Uncle’s” wife leaving me with him, walking down a hallway that I picture going off to the sides like that, in what would have been their house. Except that I have no memory of ever going to their house. *sigh* I am so tired of my brain…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in Abilify, abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Mania, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to What Am I Waiting For?

  1. I'm DID & so am I says:

    It may take a little more time before you notice more improvement with the Seroquel. I’m just guessing.

    Since you’re not feeling safe, maybe the hospital would be better. Also you may be able to get your meds straightened out. I know, none of us every what to be hospitalized. But it is a sign of strength taking that important step.

    Good luck,

    jo

  2. castorgirl says:

    I hate those whispers, they can almost seem hypnotic and soothing…

    Can you talk to your psychiatrist or husband to reality check how serious the suicidal ideation is? Sometimes verbalising the issue can help you to get a better feel for how serious it is, and where it’s coming from.

    I saw the set, and I think it is honest. The confusion and pain over the betrayal and abandonment is obvious. Your style of art might change over time, or it might not. I have parts who love doing layering, others who prefer simple pictures with a few words… they’re all honest for those parts at that moment. The main thing is to relax and let it happen.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      I’m calling my doctor again this morning and I wonder if I should just go in to see him instead of talking over the phone. Over the phone is not an appointment and he has less time, he can’t just chat, whereas going in means that I have the time I need to really talk to him. We’ll see what he says when I call.

      Thank you for the comments about the set too 🙂

  3. Paul says:

    I always err on the side of going to the hospital, especially if your thoughts are becoming worrisome for you.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Paul 🙂

      I figured out yesterday one reason for my hesitation. It was my reaction to my husband’s reaction whenever the hospital topic came up. He actually said last night that he thinks I view the hospital as an “easy way out”. He thinks I should keep talking to my doctor and take my meds and work through it. I got really mad and I asked him if I wasn’t doing that already? I said that the hospital is not a vacation spot, I don’t like it there, it’s not fun, but it is above all, safe. I told him that I’m already talking to my doctor and taking more meds, what else can I do? I said that the issue is: what’s safest for me? He said he understood and that he saw my point but I don’t think he really gets it. I think he believes that it will work itself out in time. Maybe it would, but what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Go through everyday thinking of hurting myself or dying? And if it becomes too much, then what? Anyway I guess my point is that, I realized that his attitude about my motives for going to the hospital, thinking that I want to go to take the easy way out instead of working hard to get over it myself, is making me feel bad about going in.

      • Paul says:

        Husband sounds like he’s willing to risk it all, and I don’t think it’s wise.

      • tai0316 says:

        I just got an appointment with my doctor for today so we’ll see what he recommends. It’s easier to get everything out on the table when I can talk to my doctor face-to-face instead of over the phone between his appointments. The good thing is, it’s not up to my husband if I go into the hospital or not, but I also know that he has no clue what goes on in my head and he tried the best he can. He’s usually very good but for some reason the hospital thing really gets him. I’ve been in 4 times in 9 years and last 2 times he was the same way.

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