Two bad things happened in the hospital on day two. Both were bad in different ways but one was much worse. I saw therapist inside the unit, a different one than in crisis (thank goodness) but she wasn’t completely great either. They assign a “clinician” to each person. The subject of my DID came up and she was very dismissive of it. She acted like my alters were unimportant and, here’s the biggie, she said “What about getting rid of your alters?” Yep, that’s right: get rid of. I felt like part of me died inside and there was a strong internal reaction to that phrase. It was such an insult to every part and to myself. She also wanted me to do a collage with me at the center and each alter as I see them in relation to me. My parts didn’t like that because she had just met us and our system is private, not for just anyone to see. Not good.
The really bad part came when a homicidal patient went off on the staff. He had found out that he couldn’t see his kids in that unit because of safety and he came bursting out of the room he was in and started screaming yelling at everyone. He said F-you, you stupid b*%$#, I know where you work, I’ll come to this F-ing place and I’ll F-you up. F-all of you, I know where all of you F-ing are! I will F up all of you…etc. I freaked!!!! I was so scared and I didn’t fully understand why I was so scared. Then I felt myself becoming a child, right there at the table. He went and slammed his door really hard, it sounded like a thunder-clap and I jumped, I was so startled. I was a child in that moment. I froze in place and tried to be as still as possible hoping that he wouldn’t see me. I kept my head down and just waited but I was gone, far away. The staff called security and they asked me if I was ok. I had started crying and I couldn’t speak, because the little ones don’t speak. They said I could go to my room if I felt afraid but I couldn’t move either. I stayed wrapped up in a blanket the rest of the day but what was worst was that I was on high alert all day and night. I flinched at everything and the guy was walking around out in the common area the rest of the day. I watched his every move out of the corner of my eye and I was scared and ready to run at any second. Bad day.