Hospital Day Two

Two bad things happened in the hospital on day two. Both were bad in different ways but one was much worse. I saw therapist inside the unit, a different one than in crisis (thank goodness) but she wasn’t completely great either. They assign a “clinician” to each person. The subject of my DID came up and she was very dismissive of it. She acted like my alters were unimportant and, here’s the biggie, she said “What about getting rid of your alters?” Yep, that’s right: get rid of. I felt like part of me died inside and there was a strong internal reaction to that phrase. It was such an insult to every part and to myself. She also wanted me to do a collage with me at the center and each alter as I see them in relation to me. My parts didn’t like that because she had just met us and our system is private, not for just anyone to see. Not good.

The really bad part came when a homicidal patient went off on the staff. He had found out that he couldn’t see his kids in that unit because of safety and he came bursting out of the room he was in and started screaming yelling at everyone. He said F-you, you stupid b*%$#, I know where you work, I’ll come to this F-ing place and I’ll F-you up. F-all of you, I know where all of you F-ing are! I will F up all of you…etc. I freaked!!!! I was so scared and I didn’t fully understand why I was so scared. Then I felt myself becoming a child, right there at the table. He went and slammed his door really hard, it sounded like a thunder-clap and I jumped, I was so startled. I was a child in that moment. I froze in place and tried to be as still as possible hoping that he wouldn’t see me. I kept my head down and just waited but I was gone, far away. The staff called security and they asked me if I was ok. I had started crying and I couldn’t speak, because the little ones don’t speak. They said I could go to my room if I felt afraid but I couldn’t move either. I stayed wrapped up in a blanket the rest of the day but what was worst was that I was on high alert all day and night. I flinched at everything and the guy was walking around out in the common area the rest of the day. I watched his every move out of the corner of my eye and I was scared and ready to run at any second. Bad day.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Seroquel, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Hospital Day Two

  1. I'm DID & so am I says:

    I read your other blogs and decided to comment on this one. Sounds like 72 hours of hell, but you needed to be in a safe place. I know how traumatizing being in-patient can be. All the questions alone can drive you further into the black hole.

    Are you feeling better know? Hope so. You’ve got a lot to absorb.


  2. castorgirl says:

    Oh wow… more scary stuff. I can understand why you froze and dissociated. You were already stressed from being in hospital, and to have this on top of that… not good, not good at all. I’m really sorry it was so stressful.

    That statement by the clinician comes from a place of ignorance about DID. I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve had it happen to me as well, it was scary and damaging. We struggle so much for validation, and then things like that happen.

    I’m glad you’re feeling better.

    Take care of yourself,

    • tai0316 says:

      I’m sorry you had someone be that mean to you as well. 😦 It really pisses me off when I think about it and I’m glad my therapist said that her behavior showed a lack of training. Maybe other people aren’t so stupid. They really need to take a close look at the patient before assigning a “clinician” to them. They need to match them up with someone who has the right experience and if they don’t have someone with the right experience they need to hire some people. Grrrr…

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