Well, it was bound to happen sometime. I’ve gone back to “That didn’t happen” on the sexual stuff. I know it’s normal but I’m going to talk about it anyway. I’ll try not to be too graphic, promise.
There’s one point I’m balking on: the oral thing. Going back to when the feelings of something being in my mouth started a while back, I’m not accepting it anymore. I feel like I’m betraying the younger part who I believe revealed that to me and I promised her that I wouldn’t do that. ****Icky part**** It’s the he put it in my mouth thing that I’m rejecting. Yes, I had some sort of body experience, feeling something like an eel in my mouth and feeling something growing there and making me nauseous and gaggy. That doesn’t mean it happened. I can see a picture of a male member in my mind but it’s very…how can I describe it? It’s just there with no surrounding information, no other body parts, just that, in my face like a close-up. It seems very…God what am I trying to say? Medical? It’s just there but it’s the…appropriate color ugh. At least I think so. Anyway, I’m not believing something like that could have happened to me. There’s no way. I’ve always been a person who dreams about things that are important so why haven’t I dreamed about this “abuse”? Wouldn’t I have done so? I don’t believe it happened, it’s that simple.
***********sexual stuff over*********
The hallway thing is really kicking my butt. The collage I made on Polyvore triggered me badly but I don’t know why. I have no memory whatsoever of being at his house with him or his wife!
Why does this image make me feel so many things, things I can’t describe in words. I’ll try. It makes me feel young, and scared and abandoned and it’s creepy and I feel gross. This is the collage and please realize that there was no actual blood, it just felt right to put it there when I was feeling so much pain before the hospital.
I have therapy tomorrow and I hope my therapist isn’t sick still. I need her I think, so I can talk about all this stuff.