The seesaw returns *abuse triggers*

Well, it was bound to happen sometime. I’ve gone back to “That didn’t happen” on the sexual stuff. I know it’s normal but I’m going to talk about it anyway. I’ll try not to be too graphic, promise.

*****sexual talk*****

There’s one point I’m balking on: the oral thing. Going back to when the feelings of something being in my mouth started a while back, I’m not accepting it anymore. I feel like I’m betraying the younger part who I believe revealed that to me and I promised her that I wouldn’t do that. ****Icky part**** It’s the he put it in my mouth thing that I’m rejecting. Yes, I had some sort of body experience, feeling something like an eel in my mouth and feeling something growing there and making me nauseous and gaggy. That doesn’t mean it happened. I can see a picture of a male member in my mind but it’s very…how can I describe it? It’s just there with no surrounding information, no other body parts, just that, in my face like a close-up. It seems very…God what am I trying to say? Medical? It’s just there but it’s the…appropriate color ugh. At least I think so. Anyway, I’m not believing something like that could have happened to me. There’s no way. I’ve always been a person who dreams about things that are important so why haven’t I dreamed about this “abuse”? Wouldn’t I have done so? I don’t believe it happened, it’s that simple.

***********sexual stuff over*********

The hallway thing is really kicking my butt. The collage I made on Polyvore triggered me badly but I don’t know why. I have no memory whatsoever of being at his house with him or his wife!

 Why does this image make me feel so many things, things I can’t describe in words. I’ll try. It makes me feel young, and scared and abandoned and it’s creepy and I feel gross. This is the collage and please realize that there was no actual blood, it just felt right to put it there when I was feeling so much pain before the hospital.

I have therapy tomorrow and I hope my therapist isn’t sick still. I need her I think, so I can talk about all this stuff.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The seesaw returns *abuse triggers*

  1. shame says:

    I’ve made collages where I’m not sure what they mean and my therapist usually dissects it. I’ve been in the denial mode many times. That’s normal.

    Sorry you’re having difficult memories now. It sucks.

    Is Polyvore difficult to navigate? I’m not good with things like that, but I’d like to try it.

    I have a new blog (we’ll see how long this one lasts!)


    • tai0316 says:

      I think Polyvore is great jo. CG was a lot of help in getting me started. The biggest thing was figuring out that I needed to keep the backgrounds on the pictures I “clipped”. If you want to try it out let me know and I’ll help with what I can. CG knows a LOT too. There’s an actual group on Polyvore that we belong to that for abuse survivors and that’s where we post our collages, it’s really helpful.

      The problem is I don’t know how to show my therapist collages that I do online, You can’t take that with you.

      jo I am SO glad you started blogging again! And I’m SO glad you here with us, you have no idea.

  2. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    The image of the corridor speaks to me of isolatation, abandonment and betrayal. So I can see why you would keep going back to it.

    It’s interesting that the hand prints are so small, and low on the wall… very much like they were made by a child, despite the image of the grown woman being the focus of the set.

    I hope you can see your therapist tomorrow and talk this all through…

    Take care,

  3. Pingback: how do i get help for depression- The seesaw returns *abuse triggers* | Living With Bipolar Disorder…|

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