So, not so much a seesaw as a merry-go-round that’s not very merry…

I had therapy today and I told my therapist that I have rejected that anything involving my mouth happened to me sexually as a child. I loved the look on her face as I came up with these brilliant reasons why this couldn’t be so, including that maybe my mother was right and I was overly sensitive as a child. I even commented on it at one point and I had to actually laugh. I knew that she was thinking how absurd my arguments were but she let me do it anyway and then proceeded to tackle my arguments with her own logic. She basically said that you can’t make up a body memory. She said that you can’t fake emotions, they come from someplace real. She said that the images I see come from somewhere and it’s okay if I don’t understand them yet. I’ll blog more about this session later but needless to say, I’m now off of the seesaw and I’ve moved over to the merry-go-round of horror with each turn being “Is this real? Nah it can’t be! But it feels real. Nah, no way…etc”. Weeeee!

On a side note my doctor also adjusted my meds a bit. I’ll write about that later too, I have some processing to do.

Oh! Here’s a question: if a certain abuse happened to you, wouldn’t you balk at ever doing that thing again? I mean instinctively. Instinctively wouldn’t you resist that act with every fiber of your being? Why would a person have a desire to perform that act on someone else if it had been forced on them???? Ha! Answer that one! See told you it didn’t happen.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to So, not so much a seesaw as a merry-go-round that’s not very merry…

  1. callmeams says:

    “Why would a person have a desire to perform that act on someone else if it had been forced on them???? Ha! Answer that one! See told you it didn’t happen. ”

    I understand where you are coming from on this point. I had oral sex forced on me. And there are times when the act itself sends me into flashbacks and causes major issues. However, there are also times when I am right in my head that I enjoy it. Those times I don’t fight it, I just enjoy it.

    Now I’m not a therapist, but it sounds to me like what you are going through is very, very normal. You don’t want to remember and acknowledge certain things that happened because that will make you feel dirty when you allow yourself to enjoy them now. I go through that too, on a daily basis. I guess it’s all part of that conflict struggle going on inside of us.

    You will get there. It’s a one day at a time process. And as I’m finding out, it seems that none of my experiences are unique. Everything I’ve gone through, someone else has also gone through. And yeah, it really sucks that this stuff happens as much as it does…just remember you’re not alone and someone understands.

    • tai0316 says:

      I have a question for you but I don’t know if you’ll be comfortable answering it, and that’s ok. When it comes to what we’re talking about, the whole oral thing. When it happened to you, were you the “receiver” of it or were you forced to perform it on someone else? I have a reason for asking because this aspect comes up in two ways in my life: my uncle put his mouth on me and the issue that I’m rejecting is him putting “something” in my mouth.
      So, there’s two different aspects. Everytime oral sex came up as far as it being done to me, I froze immediately and I was never comfortable with it, unless I thought disgusting things to get through it and then it was ok. When the opportunity to perform it came up, I went for it on my own without being asked. So, you see I don’t know how I could do that if what my mind says happened really happened.
      I’m sorry if this is too personal for you. You really, truly do not have to answer this question. I’m just trying to sort things out.

      • callmeams says:

        I don’t mind answering. The way I see it, we’re all in this together trying to figure stuff out. It was mostly performed on me, this is true. And I do have a hard time with that unless I can pull myself out of my head and into the moment. I don’t have specific memories of being forced to do it, but I feel almost certain that it must have been. It is something my mother and I have discussed. He did force her to do it and she does remember it. (We were abused by the same man.)

        But think about it this way. When you perform oral sex, you are in control. There is power in that. So, of course, it seems very natural (to me anyway) that you would crave that power in a sexual relationship. Let me give you an example of my one of my problems to see if that helps put it in perspective for you. I was never held down and raped. But I still have trouble having sex on my back. However, in any position where I have freedom of movement I am okay even though some of those positions where often implemented in my abuse. When I feel in control of the where and how and can stop it by just moving away I am much more comfortable.

        Again, not a therapist, but I think that when we were used and hurt as children and not given the control over the adult situations we were placed in, taking that control back as an adult feels good and almost addictive. I think most rape/molestation victims will tell you that the only way they can have a sexual relationship is to be totally in control. And, as human beings, we are designed to want sex and the closeness it gives us to another person.

        If your brain needs to deny something right now, I would be the last person to tell you to ignore that. Sometimes the memories are just too much to deal with. But please, please don’t discount what you have been through because of something that you enjoy doing now. It could have happened to you and you could still have found a way to enjoy it as an adult. In the end, I think we’re all looking for ways to be normal and move beyond what has been done to us. If in this one area you have found enjoyment, don’t let your abuser take that from you now. Just as long as you are enjoying it and not doing it to try to hurt yourself emotionally.

      • tai0316 says:

        Thank you so much for being so open! You are very wise:) You gave me something to think about, something that had occured to me as I wrote this question. My mind tells me that if something was put in my mouoth, it happened while I was on my back. I never do anything like that kind of “stuff” while on my back only when I am in control like you said. So that gives me something to think about. I also agree with you that it’s ok to find pleasure in sex. I find it interesting that both you and I were abused by someone who also abused our mothers. Weird huh? It’s a shame that stuff continues in a family for more than one person. Thank you so much for reply it was full of wisdom 🙂

  2. You need to be in denial right now. I get that. It’s self-protective. It’s a way to ease into the horrible-ness of it gradually. Go as slow as you need to.

    I recently wrote in my journal “…even in denial I acknowledge the truth, or else, what would I be denying?” I’m on the merry-go-round too right now (not sure if it’s the same one your on though). I’ve been on it about a month and the last week it’s been spinning wildly fast. I haven’t been able to read the blogs much lately and haven’t seen yours since you went to hospital. I’m glad you feel that it was good for you (and amazed that you feel that way with the difficulties you encountered). I am also incredibly impressed with your internal communication; how you got your system calm in the hospital – that was awesome!


    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Dawn 🙂 It’s so good to see you!
      It sucks that you are on this merry-go-round though. 😦
      What you wrote in your journal: “…even in denial I acknowledge the truth, or else, what would I be denying?” Wow. That nails what the smaller part of my brain was thinking during therapy yesterday. I told my therapist that as I was stating my arguments against this particular abuse happening, a small part of my brain saw how ridiculous it sounded. But, the rest of my brain held on to the denial. I’m not sure how I feel today.
      As for the hospital, that was pure survival mode 🙂

      I’m really sorry that you’re having trouble and hurting right now. You’re such a special person and my thoughts will be with you all day. Maybe there’s a way you and I can slow this merry-go-round down?

  3. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    It’s a stink merry-go-round to be on. Each perspective feels very real in the moment, and it can be so difficult to reality check what’s going on. In the middle of the denial, the logic that Dawn suggests will sometimes pop into my head… doesn’t stop it, but gives a little bit of a reality check.

    As for not balking at some acts, that’s a difficult question to answer as there are so many variables. I agree with the concept of control that you and callmeams discuss above; but there’s also things such as repetition compulsion which can explain it. Basically, it doesn’t prove or dis-prove anything… yeah, another stinker.

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      CG you bring up a interesting point: repetition compulsion. I wondered about my desire to perform this act as it seemed like, fascination but that’s not the right word, obsessive isn’t either but it’s between those two words. Is repetition compulsion a real thing (I’m not asking that right) I mean is it something I can look up?

      • castorgirl says:

        Yes, repetition compulsion is a concept within psychology… Wikipedia has a kinder introduction to the concept than some of the general websites out there. It bascially means that you compulsively reenact past abuse for different motivations – to relive, gain mastery or control over it, self-destruction, etc. It doesn’t always feel as if it’s negative at the time, but rather a “need” or “urge”.

        Be careful reading things about it – please stick to the Wikipedia page. Some sites talk about extreme examples of the concept, and they could trigger or confuse your system.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        Thank you CG 🙂 Wikipedia can be quite useful can’t it?

      • castorgirl says:

        Yup, Wikipedia has it’s place… I hated the entry on DID the last time I read it though!

  4. I think the ‘repetition compulsion’ might sometimes be a child trying to tell what has happened to her. Or it could be another part who did NOT have that happen to HER and needs to flaunt that she is okay with it because she was spared that particular trauma. Perhaps she is trying to prove that she is more independent and less damaged than the others.

    Or maybe that’s just what happens to me and not to you. I don’t know. But I’m sorry that you have to go through this. It’s not fair.

    • tai0316 says:

      🙂 Either way and whatever it is, you’re right it does suck.
      I’m going to talk to my therapist about this whole thing. I haven’t been very comfortable talking about sex with her which can be a problem since we’re talking about sexual abuse huh?

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