Intimacy Issues

I’m uncomfortable talking about intimacy but I figure I’ve said everything else possible here so what’s my problem. My husband did something last night, and it was not his fault at all, I felt so bad. Anyway, he did something and it freaked me out so bad! I felt my younger parts go nuts, they were so scared! I was immediately confused and it was like I was split into so many fragments I could barely find my way back. I pretended that I was ok so he wouldn’t know, I didn’t want to ruin the mood, ha. It was ruined for me but I don’t want to ruin it for him. He doesn’t know much about what happened to me. I’m not sure about what happened yet and he’s even more factual than me. Saying ‘I think this happened’ would confuse him. Anyway, when he did it, I felt this part of me say ‘What is it about me that makes men want to do that to me?’ I felt gross and dirty and I felt degraded. But it wasn’t his fault. He said later that he thought something was wrong and he had been trying to figure it out at the time but he couldn’t. I told him that we had to have a talk and I kept it simple without details. I simply said that there were certain things that we couldn’t do anymore and that was one of them. He asked if it had something to do with what I was dealing with and I said yes. He said ok and that it was fine and he meant it so that was good. What was interesting was that he went downstairs after a while and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had been disgusted by me and had to get away. I got a grip on myself and said ‘Just go ask him instead of assuming’! I went downstairs and asked him straight out and he looked at me like I had grown a second head. He had no idea what I was talking about and was actually offended that I would think that lol! He said ‘What would I be disgusted by?’ I guess I don’t get how he could not be disgusted.

What I’m dealing with today is the incredibly strong reaction I had to what he did. I can literally still feel it right now and it’s horrible! It feels so awful! The internal reaction was confusing and frightening. You have to remember that I back to not believing that a certain thing happened but…my reaction last night? The only reason that I would react like that is if it did happen. I won’t get into details but the situation last night was very specific. I was in a certain position and so was he and that’s the “memory” I’ve been doubting. While we were together I was so dizzy I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do now either. I can’t get the feeling off my skin. And I don’t know what to do with this information based on my reaction. I have therapy today so I’ll talk to her about my doubts and this latest incidence.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, Incest, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Intimacy Issues

  1. Michelle says:

    I think it is really good that you tried to tell your husband how you feel.

    I can relate to your experience.
    I have been really into whatever, then had a sudden shift. to feeling bad
    This became more prominent for me and I now avoid intimacy completely. The thought of a naked man near me makes me feel terrified and then I feel obliged and I feel used.

    I was raped at 13 by a stranger, my ‘first’ love co-erced and dumped me.
    The real damage was imprinted slowly. My true love and I got together and took things slow. we were both young and happily in love and there was no pressure. My body did not know and did not allow an orgasm, I just knew that he made me feel so good and I loved to make him feel good. I was happy, but then he became bothered by it. Sex became marathons of frustration. Eventually he didn’t want sex at all and that made me feel worse. Then he didn’t want to hold my hand.
    I learnt orgasm on my own, using vibrators.
    I met a new man and used my new skills and that was kinda good. He became abusive. the memory of crying and begging him to stop while he rammed into me with glazed scary eyes. not good.
    Now I just don’t like to try anything with anyone. I have sometimes had good experiences, but mostly I feel nothing.

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Michelle,
      I’m really sorry you’ve experienced such awful things. 😦 Do you have someone you talk to about what happened to you? A therapist or counselor? It was very helpful for me to talk to my therapist today about what happened. Maybe trying to remember that you have had good experiences can give you hope to have more good experiences in the future.

  2. shame says:

    I’m assuming you’re referring to the physical aspect of your relationship. I know a lot of people say intimacy is sexual when it’s really the emotional part of the relationship. (At least that’s what I’ve always been told)

    I’m so sorry you had those feelings come up and your parts were in disarray.

  3. castorgirl says:

    I’m sorry this happened tai, but it also seems like a good opportunity to discuss some of the issues with your husband. It was really good that he was aware of you and your reactions – he could tell that something wasn’t right for you. This might lead you to being able to speak up sooner, rather than later.

    How did it go with your therapist?

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      Yes, I’m wondering if maybe someday I’ll be able to tell him what happened, of course I need to know the truth for myself first, but at least this was ok. Speaking up sooner is a definite priority now, yikes!
      Therapy was…interesting, I’ll be blogging about it later.

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