I’m uncomfortable talking about intimacy but I figure I’ve said everything else possible here so what’s my problem. My husband did something last night, and it was not his fault at all, I felt so bad. Anyway, he did something and it freaked me out so bad! I felt my younger parts go nuts, they were so scared! I was immediately confused and it was like I was split into so many fragments I could barely find my way back. I pretended that I was ok so he wouldn’t know, I didn’t want to ruin the mood, ha. It was ruined for me but I don’t want to ruin it for him. He doesn’t know much about what happened to me. I’m not sure about what happened yet and he’s even more factual than me. Saying ‘I think this happened’ would confuse him. Anyway, when he did it, I felt this part of me say ‘What is it about me that makes men want to do that to me?’ I felt gross and dirty and I felt degraded. But it wasn’t his fault. He said later that he thought something was wrong and he had been trying to figure it out at the time but he couldn’t. I told him that we had to have a talk and I kept it simple without details. I simply said that there were certain things that we couldn’t do anymore and that was one of them. He asked if it had something to do with what I was dealing with and I said yes. He said ok and that it was fine and he meant it so that was good. What was interesting was that he went downstairs after a while and I immediately jumped to the conclusion that he had been disgusted by me and had to get away. I got a grip on myself and said ‘Just go ask him instead of assuming’! I went downstairs and asked him straight out and he looked at me like I had grown a second head. He had no idea what I was talking about and was actually offended that I would think that lol! He said ‘What would I be disgusted by?’ I guess I don’t get how he could not be disgusted.
What I’m dealing with today is the incredibly strong reaction I had to what he did. I can literally still feel it right now and it’s horrible! It feels so awful! The internal reaction was confusing and frightening. You have to remember that I back to not believing that a certain thing happened but…my reaction last night? The only reason that I would react like that is if it did happen. I won’t get into details but the situation last night was very specific. I was in a certain position and so was he and that’s the “memory” I’ve been doubting. While we were together I was so dizzy I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do now either. I can’t get the feeling off my skin. And I don’t know what to do with this information based on my reaction. I have therapy today so I’ll talk to her about my doubts and this latest incidence.