I never cry. I was reading The Courage To Heal and I got to a part about triggers during intimacy. It said that these triggers are an automatic response connected to past sexual abuse, fragments of memory, and a flag alerting that an aspect needs to be addressed. Something about reading this and having it agree with my therapist made me cry. Because it once again means that I couldn’t have faked that reaction the other night. That hurts because that means that if this is true, then something horrible happened to me and I don’t know how I could have forgotten that! Of course that’s the nature of DID and dissociative disorders right? Forgetting, distancing, blocking? I still can’t accept it though. But the body memory will not be denied. So, I cried, several times. My therapist will be so proud of me.
When I cried I asked myself why in the world I wouldn’t have told my grandmother? I trusted her more than any human on this earth and I was always an honest child. Why wouldn’t I have told her about something this horrible? I don’t understand.