I cried today

I never cry. I was reading The Courage To Heal and I got to a part about triggers during intimacy. It said that these triggers are an automatic response connected to past sexual abuse, fragments of memory, and a flag alerting that an aspect needs to be addressed. Something about reading this and having it agree with my therapist made me cry. Because it once again means that I couldn’t have faked that reaction the other night. That hurts because that means that if this is true, then something horrible happened to me and I don’t know how I could have forgotten that! Of course that’s the nature of DID and dissociative disorders right? Forgetting, distancing, blocking? I still can’t accept it though. But the body memory will not be denied. So, I cried, several times. My therapist will be so proud of me.

When I cried I asked myself why in the world I wouldn’t have told my grandmother? I trusted her more than any human on this earth and I was always an honest child. Why wouldn’t I have told her about something this horrible? I don’t understand.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Incest, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, The Courage To Heal, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to I cried today

  1. Holly Gray says:

    This is one of the most difficult realities of living with a dissociative disorder. The not knowing for sure, the uncertainty, the ambiguity. It’s also, in my opinion, one of the biggest rewards. Discovering that what’s real is not black and white, that there are far more options than simply ‘true’ or ‘false’, ‘genuine’ or ‘fake’, is uncomfortable but it opens up so many healing possibilities and widens perspectives beyond the scope of trauma and dissociation.

    I like The Courage to Heal but I do believe its authors approach the issue of dissociated traumatic material from an absolutist perspective. Which I think ultimately just confuses things further, even though it appears clear-cut. It puts pressure on people to accept things they have doubt about. And it’s okay to have doubt. It’s okay that you aren’t able to accept it. It’s uncomfortable as hell to have to sit with that ‘it happened/no it didn’t’ thing. But I truly believe learning to tolerate that uncertainty is a vital part of healing.

    It’s hard. But you’re feeling – you’re dealing with the emotions. That’s what’s most important.


    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Holly
      I’ve learned to take everything I read with a grain of salt, even this book. I like it and it has some good information but I feel that nothing is absolute, and I’m an individual which has to count for something. That being said some of the chapters are very helpful. I think at this point it’s less about doubting and more about accepting. I can’t doubt my own reactions and the things I see in my memory. My body reacts no matter what I think and I can’t fake that. *sigh* And emotions suck! 🙂

      • Holly Gray says:

        Accepting … even more difficult than living with ambiguity. You’re doing tough work, tai.

        I adore words and poetry. I don’t know if you do but I want to share with you one of my favorite poems (which is really saying something – I am very choosy about poetry!) by one of my favorite poets, Billy Childish. Your post and comment made me think of it and I thought you might enjoy it as well.

        a personal history

        i hunt death
        like a black spyder
        like it is a black spyder i mean
        a black spyder that i hope
        and pray i will not find

        what im trying to say is
        that i hunt truth
        like it is a black spyder
        scurrying between a stack
        of old bricks
        in my fathers back yard

  2. shame says:

    It’s okay to cry. I’d wonder what was wrong with me if I didn’t have my daily cry.


  3. Perhaps the part of you who was there when this horrible thing happened, was not there when you were with your grandmother?

    And I completely agree that emotions suck!


  4. castorgirl says:

    Please don’t second guess your actions back then, you were doing the best you could with the resources you had. There is no blame in that.

    Well done on the tears… it’s connection, and a connection is amazing and should be celebrated.

    Take care,

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