I’m going to keep writing even though everyone’s away. I have to get it out…*Use of the word rape*


I’m feeling angry. Angry at everyone (not people here though) but every other person on earth. I’m angry because people are talking about inane, stupid things like asking me what I’ve cooked lately and what I’ve been up to. People who know I was in the hospital and act like it didn’t happen. People who interrupt me while I’m talking so they can talk about themselves. This just happened today with my mother-in-law. In her eyes it’s like I’m not bipolar, not as bad as her daughter for sure in her opinion. So I should be able to be up and cooking and cleaning and running around doing things like a normal person. She knows that I also have DID and she pretends that she doesn’t know. She knows I was in the hospital and acts like I wasn’t, she never even asked me how I was. But she interrupts me to talk about her daughter and her own body aches and how she’s chilly. In my mind I’m feeling rage against everyone, even my husband. It’s my own fault because I haven’t told him what happened to me, I’m not ready yet, but in my mind I see everyone living and saying stupid, empty things and I’m screaming I WAS RAPED!!!!!!!! I WAS ONLY FOUR FOR GOD”S SAKE!!!!!!!! EVERYTHING YOU CARE ABOUT IS STUPID COMPARED TO WHAT”S GOING ON WITH ME RIGHT NOW AND YOU SHOULD CARE!!!!!

But how can they care when they don’t know. But I can’t tell anybody either. I’m selfish I know. I guess I feel like since I don’t have a family anymore, no blood relations that care anyway, I look to my husband and his parents for that family connection. I feel like even though they don’t know details, it’s obvious that something’s wrong with me. They know that I have these disorders, I’m disabled, they should be…I don’t know! Something! They should care. It’s like seeing someone bleeding and you may not know why they’re bleeding but you do something anyway. At least acknowledge me! But I’m selfish, people can’t read minds and apparently they can’t see pain either. I haven’t accepted what happened to me yet, I still deny here and there but the word “rape” is spinning in my head. It’s why I asked what to call what happened to me in a previous post. I wanted a word and I was already using “rape” in my mind. I feel a little crazy inside right now and after I got home from lunch with my in-laws I was so upset that I did something I never do which was take Ativan to calm myself. My doctor said I can’t drink alcohol with my meds and that made me angry because I never drink but all I wanted was a little wine. I can’t drink much anyway so it would only have been a quarter of a glass over a couple of hours, but no dice. Damn it! I can’t get any relief from this turmoil! I hate everyone for not seeing me, when to me, it’s obvious that I’m not doing well. But it must not be obvious right? I have to remind myself: people don’t read minds. It’s not helping…

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Incest, Mania, Medication, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, The Courage To Heal, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to I’m going to keep writing even though everyone’s away. I have to get it out…*Use of the word rape*

  1. shame says:

    You’re not selfish. Yes, it’s a difficult situation when others don’t know about your illness. Boy, can I relate to being interrupted when trying to talk. I don’t say much anymore because of it. It’s not worth it. I normally shut down, so can’t say anything then. Some people don’t know what to say when they know you’ve been hospitalized. They’re uncomfortable. I wish my family would ask how I’m doing. I think they’re scared of what I’ll say. I’ll look normal and put on my academy award winning face and fool them.

    Don’t beat yourself up too much. You are what you are. We didn’t have choices when bad things were happening. Yes, I do the denial from time to time. I’m angry too. We have a right to be angry. Problem is I don’t know what to do with it other than abuse myself.

    If you’d been in the hospital for pneumonia or cancer, they’d be all over you, asking how you are, what they can do for you. It sucks! But, it’s all ignorance. And not our fault, it’s theirs.

    jo

  2. roseroars says:

    I’ll accept nominations, although Meredith is better at making graphics. The panel of judges will be several of my alters, and we’ll base our decision on whatever the hell we want to at the time. Although everyone of us wins because we’re still here even after all of this evil.

    You’re not selfish! I’m sorry it hurts and no one knows or seems to care. I tried to put things in perspective this season from hubby’s point of view (he & therapist are the only ones here that know about the DID), but it didn’t help me at all.

    If I were there we could commiserate, throw tantrums (and dishes), draw pictures, eat bad comfort-food-stuff, and rest.

    One thing that is helping, besides Xanax, is visualizing being together with my alters in the house we made and hugging, holding, and saying “Thank you” and telling each other how much we love each other, even the angry ones. Sometimes it helps to just go inside and be there with them.

    I hope you find some peace over the next few days. Keep writing, too. I know that helps.

    Love,

    Lisa

  3. castorgirl says:

    It takes a special person to be able to see and listen to someone who is in pain. Thing is, we often don’t want to talk about what’s happened, we want someone to sit with us and just talk about “normal” things… acknowledging the beauty in the world, acknowledging each others pain, encouraging mutual support… all without guilt trips, game playing or put-downs.

    The things that you’ve told of your husband, indicate that he does care and want to be involved. You don’t have to tell him about the past, but you can tell him how it is effecting you in the present, maybe?

    Please take care,
    CG

  4. I’ve just arrived home and caught up on your blog. Honestly, I am in shock reading this one because I am so in this place right now. This is exactly what was going on for me during Christmas while I was surrounded by people. I just wanted to yell at them “I was raped! And I was only 12 years old!” They just went about their business, like nothing was wrong. Of course, they don’t know, because I haven’t told them, so I can’t blame them. I felt so isolated. Sorry you are going through this too. I’ve read your more recent posts and again, I can relate so much. It’s kind of weird … but also makes sense.

    Take care,
    Dawn

    • tai0316 says:

      It’s weird how a lot of us really had a hard time recently. I’m sorry you’re in this emotional place too Dawn, it sucks! I sometimes wish people could just experience 30 seconds or so of what we feel because then they’d get it. Sending positive thoughts your way… 🙂

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