Is this my life now? A whiny post.


So I was sitting here today feeling both bipolar depression and numbness from the abuse issues (uncomfortable) and I thought: Is this my life now, feeling this way? Dealing with being bipolar, having DID and both the physical and sexual abuse is a heavy load to carry right now. I look down the road and I see this being my life and that…sucks. I don’t know what to do. And now for the whining: this isn’t fair. I don’t get why my family is so tainted. We have mental illness in our family genetically, my mother’s brother is bipolar too (he’s not the same guy who abused me). There was physical abuse, neglect, and sexual abuse done to me and I don’t get it. I’ve had chronic pain for over 19 years and I’m only in my early 30’s. Why so much crap? What the hell roll of the dice was that? That seems like a lot to have to handle in one life. And yes I know I’m whining and I hate myself for doing it. I never complain about things in real life so I guess I feel like I can feel sorry for myself here. I’m just frustrated I guess. Who knew you could be numb, depressed and frustrated at the same time? God I suck.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Is this my life now? A whiny post.

  1. shame says:

    We’ve all been dealt a different hand. It sucks. You have every right to feel what you’re feeling now. It’s one of the entitlements we have! We’ve earned it.

    jo

  2. Lisa says:

    Hi there, I hear what u say. I used to feel that way too! I don’t write every day one reason being I don’t want to look at my issues every day! Weeks may go by before I post but I do work on my issues and not necessarily blog about it though. I try to have ignorance days – days where I just do normal stuff, fun things, hobbies and relaxing. I don’t want to stuff my negatives in my face every day for they will probably never be all solved and will take a lifetime to unwind. Moderation is the word I’m looking for but it’s so hard with the physical aspect pulling you down reminding u of pain all the time. I am grateful I am no longer on a concoction of drugs that grind at my body at every waking opportunity….we r allowed to have a pity party now and again 🙂

  3. roseroars says:

    Please don’t hate yourself so much. You are working really hard to figure out all of this crap and making some important progress.

    And be whiny when you want. It sucks to be going through this as a result of other people’s evils.

    Lisa

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks Lisa. I know you’re having a really hard time yourself so I appreciate you taking the time to try and make someone else feel better. That’s so like you. 🙂

  4. castorgirl says:

    You don’t suck. What happened to you, in combination with a dose of genetics, sucks. It’s not fair. It shouldn’t have happened to anyone, let alone someone as awesome as you. So yeah, it’s ok to rage against it, get annoyed, get tired by it all etc. That’s normal. That’s ok. It’s only a problem when that state becomes your whole way of being, and it doesn’t appear to be that way for you. So yup, scream at the world that it ain’t fair. Throw a good tandy if you want to… then dust yourself off and give it all another go…

    Out of curiousity, I wonder if the chronic pain will ease as you heal? I’ve forgotten the cause of your pain (sorry), but I’ve heard of other survivors who, as they’ve healed, have noticed a lessening in their pain levels. It might, or might not, happen for you too.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Thanks for the encouragement CG. As for the pain, it started after a head injury I had when I was a teenager and it was diagnosed as fibromyalgia. I don’t think doctors necessarily understand fibromyalgia themselves so who knows.

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