Realizations about myself as a person


I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom yesterday in the dark. I was thinking and wondering why people who were supposed to love me, hurt me instead. My mother, the Uncle, my father…all these people. My father never abused me, he just left when I was little, even though he could have contacted me whenever he wanted. But he didn’t want to. And I got to wondering why that is. There’s a correlation between the things that happened. Everything changed for me around a certain age. The “Uncle” molested and raped me around the age of four. My father stopped coming around when I was past the age of five. My mother took me away from my grandmother and starting hitting me around the age of six. It’s like my age made people hate me or something. The older I got, people left and the one person who liked me young, did bad things to me. So then I started wondering what it is about me that makes people hurt me or leave. There must be something. This reasoning carries over even into my adult years. My friends use me until they don’t need me anymore. Even my husband, who loves me, and I know he does, I wasn’t his first choice so-to-speak. We met when I was a teenager and we were all friends. There was a girl in our group who I will say straight up was just plain boring, but…he liked her, not me. He and I were friends and even though I was already in love with him, I tried to help him get together with him. She wasn’t interested (she’s not very smart either) and so there I was, second place, the consolation prize. He says now, that he’s really happy he didn’t get together with her because we’re meant for each other but…looking back on my life? I don’t know what to think. I look at the man who molested me, who raped me and I think, “That’s all I was good for.” I was a cute kid mostly so there must have been something about me that drew him to me. It must be that when that “cuteness” faded, my real father took off because I wasn’t worth being around anymore. My mother told me when I was younger, that I went through an “ugly phase”. My theory is that I never came out of that phase. That must be it then. That must be why she started leaving me at home alone in the dark, why she started hitting me, why she called me a whore, why my father stopped caring about me. I wasn’t cute anymore. That must be why my husband didn’t pick me first, why he only took me after the girl he wanted wasn’t available. That’s why my father only calls every six years or so. That’s why the people I call friends only stick around until they don’t need me anymore. I get it, I really do. There’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t be pretty, I can’t change my face. Even when people compliment my “looks” it’s about my hair or my height or my skin. It’s like they’re looking really hard to find something nice to say about me. I’d rather they didn’t bother. I can say that it doesn’t matter, that I’m glad I’m smart or that I make up for it with wit and humor, but it does matter. I’m looking at my life and I’m realizing that not being pretty or cute means that I’m not good for anything. Brains don’t matter. Wit and personality don’t matter either. No one likes me for my personality, they liked me when I was cute. At least I was good for something then, even if it was being raped.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, Incest, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Realizations about myself as a person

  1. Paul says:

    I’m sorry, Tai, that you feel this way… There is a lot of stuff here (most all of it) that needs to be challenged.

  2. shame says:

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re a good person. AND DON’T FORGET THAT!

    jo

    • tai0316 says:

      Sometimes being a “good person” just feels like an excuse for not being better than I am. And I hate the person I’m turning into: whiny and self-pitying. Ugh!

  3. callmeams says:

    I’m literally holding back tears. You have just described yourself, me, and probably everyone else who has ever been abused. What was done to us has fucked with our self-worth so badly that we can’t see any value in ourselves. I’m going to tell you, you do have value, you are beautfiul inside and out, you are a good person, and I feel lucky to have you as a blog friend. It’s not you, it’s them! Your mom had issues that I can only guess about but you were an easy outlet for her anger and frustration. Your uncle was/is just a sick human being. Your father was/is immature and probably only calls infrequently now because of the guilt of leaving you. As far as your husband goes, well I can only say that sometimes we don’t see the things that are right in front of us. And if he looked at another girl first, he wised up and realized just how terrific you really are. He doesn’t ever have to wonder if that other girl would have been right for him. He knows what he has is the best thing in the world.

    I’m sorry I haven’t been commenting on all of your posts lately. I have been reading them. They’ve been making me think of my own situation in a different light and that’s been tough (and very enlightening). Thank you for posting so candidly and eloquently.

    Your Friend For Always,
    Amy

    • tai0316 says:

      So sorry Amy! I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I’m lucky to have you guys too, really. I’m sorry if any posts I wrote were upsetting to you. 😦 Honesty can suck some time huh?

      • callmeams says:

        No apologies needed or wanted. Sometimes it takes some honesty to kick us to the next level in our healing. If we can’t write what we’re feeling and thinking and dealing with, well then its kinda pointless. So don’t worry about upsetting anyone. Let me explain what was so difficult and maybe you will feel better about that one small thing. For me, specifically, it was when you posted the definition of rape. I’ve always said I wasn’t raped, but I was according to the legal definition you found. Now maybe my state is different from yours, maybe not. But somewhere there is someone who considers what was done to me to be rape. After wrapping my head around that, I realized that this helps to put the guilt back where it belongs. So tough to read or not, your honesty and openness was helpful.

        You are an amazing person.

      • tai0316 says:

        Amy, thanks for explaining, I completely get what you’re saying. 🙂
        That post was a hard one for me too and defining what happened with that word was a big deal. Before I looked up the legal definiton, I also went to RAINN’s website which backed that up. I don’t know if you saw the link Dawn sent to Blooming Lotus about the same subject but that was validating too. I’m a “word” person and the way I process things is to research it, usually through books (comes from working in a library for 8 years) and then labeling it. Labeling doesn’t always work but in this case, I needed to.

  4. castorgirl says:

    Oh I wish I could have this conversation with you in person…

    Firstly, do you expect me to stop talking to you at some point in the future because you are no longer “useful” to me? I won’t be hurt by your answer, so please be honest.

    Secondly, what was done to you by those who should have protected you, had nothing to do with the way you looked. This is actually one of the reasons why I read about the psychology of the perpetrators, they don’t seek out children who are physically attractive, or unattractive; they seek out children who are vulnerable and available for some reason. I”m not sure what it was about you that made you either vulnerable or available, but for me it was because I was born into a dysfunctional family.

    Thirdly, we’ll give your husband some credit for coming to his senses… he had a near miss though…

    Lastly, and most importantly… you are amazing. You are kind, giving and loving. You are hurting and doing the best you can with the hand you’ve been dealt. Because of your past, people who take advantage of others, have attached themselves to you, in the guise of friends. But, as your true spirit shines through as you heal, you will make conscious decisions about your friends. You will find the ones who will listen to you, as well as laugh with you. You will find ones who you can call in the middle of the night and say “help”. You will find the ones where you can be on the receiving end of that “help” phone call, and not feel a sense of obligation to keep talking; you’ll talk, because there is a mutual benefit to the friendship.

    You deserve that sort of friend, and I know you will find them – cos I said so, ok!

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Wow, now I feel bad. I wasn’t expecting any kind of reaction from everyone. CG I would never think that you would stop talking to me for any reason, no way. I feel like our community here is kind of a special family brought together because horrible things happened, but we’re here for each other. It’s different with all of us, you know? I’m not really seeing myself as a person right now, more of a projection I guess. You’re amazing yourself by the way 🙂

      • castorgirl says:

        Oh no, I wasn’t meaning to make you feel bad… not at all. Just the opposite, but I obviously came across like a sledge hammer when I was meaning to challenge what you were saying in a subtle way. Obviously the subtlety fairy went flying by my window this morning without stopping in for a visit 🙂

        I know what you meaning about the healing community being different. It shares a commonality that makes talking about some of the difficult stuff possible. I’ve thought what you’ve written here many times. I’ve often talked about it in therapy. It’s something that slowly gets easier to understand, but it does take challenging.

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        I had to laugh because I wanted to apologize again for making you think you made me feel bad lol! This apology thing could go around in circles for a while when it’s unnecessary. There were no sledgehammers. 🙂
        I’m glad to have people like you and Paul say that things need to be challenged, I may not get it right away, but the thought is there to be considered. At this point I’ll probably just read that post to my therapist and see what she says. My head is still in that place and what I said still makes sense to me. I am so very sure she’ll have something to say about that…

    • roseroars says:

      She is so right.

  5. Louise says:

    You are an amazing person…..It’s horrile to feel like you do…………..The way you think has to change……you devalue yourself. As a child you were vulnerable and in no way did you ‘deserve’ any of it……I think your husband is very lucky to have chosen you (and yes he did ‘choose’ you) and you are awesome to be able to write about it. I added your previous post to my facebook page ‘Dissociation and poetry’ – hope you don’t mind – would be great if you came over for a look see – http://www.facebook.com/toastbeards#!/pages/Dissociation-and-Poetry/111965275539593 Take care of yourself (and be kind to yourself) xxxxx

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Louise and thank you. 🙂

      My therapist would agree with you and I’m sure she will at my next session. She said once that sometimes the worse damage from abuse is not physical, but what it does to the way you think about yourself.
      I checked out your Facebook page and thank you for quoting me, that was nice 🙂 I’m on Facebook myself but I’m afraid to really use it because they have to use your real name and I’m not having that. I’m always afraid that someone I know will find me or something. I say that because, I’d “Like” your page but I’m chicken lol

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