Ok so I’m a big liar and I am going to blog today after all :P

*There are 3 collages at the end from Polyvore*

I saw everyone meeting the new year with hope and optimism, which is cool. It’s just that I didn’t have any magical feelings of “Woohoo world, here I come!, Yippie 2011!”. Don’t get me wrong, I like it when a new year starts but only because having a set starting point helps me keep track of any progress I may be making on certain goals, whether it’s weight, or eating right or exercise etc. January 1st is easy to remember. But…when it comes to this stuff? It’s just another day. Bipolar Disorder, DID, abuse? They know no dates, besides anniversaries that is. This is still another day, so I still feel like I did last year, which by the way, was like 2 days ago. 🙂

So I will continue being honest as always, and I will blog about what my deal is today. Gosh that sounds selfish doesn’t it? lol

I’m struggling with several issues of sexuality at the moment. I have therapy tomorrow so I can talk to my therapist about this also. The question is: what do I do with my sexuality? Let me expand on what I mean. My struggles involve several layers. I’ve always felt that I was over sexed. I feel sexual things way to easily, it seems anyway. I was like that when I was younger and I had problems with *cough cough* the big M word for a long, long time, even involving stuffed animals. Yep I took it there. Anyway, as I stated here before, I have trouble with fantasies and intrusive thoughts that then cause me to compulsively engage in behavior I’d rather not. Was that put delicately enough? 🙂 I go through these phases, where I feel literally consumed by these…desires. I have to do something about them or I go nuts, it’s like I don’t have a choice, it’s a compulsion. I’m not talking about necessarily hurting myself at the time either. Just…you know…*cringe* Jeez, well I’m knee-deep in this I might as well continue embarrassing myself. The other problem is that I’m married to a great guy who would love to “be” with me but, and yes this will sound ridiculous, he wants emotions involved. Yep that’s my problem. A great guy who loves me. Boohoo right? Let me explain. I don’t want emotional involvement when I’m like this. I want release and I want it fast, with no “I love you’s” thrown in. I don’t want to look at him, I don’t want him to look at me. I want it over with. But…that’s not what I really want. I sound crazy I know. I want to be able to harness all this sexual insanity and share it with him, because he’s my husband and I want to “be” with him too. The two desires can’t meet up. Because when I’m consumed like this…it’s horrible. It’s eats me up inside and out and all I can think about is sex and release. But there’s no romance or emotion to it. I feel like it’s taking me over and I feel like I’m betraying him because I’m not being sexual with him (maybe here and there I am) but, I’d rather be in the dark somewhere alone and think awful things and…you know. I had to take a deep breath just now, because I’m sharing something very private and I don’t know if anyone’s mad at me reading this or thinking “Oh shut up tai, at least you’re married to a great guy! Stop complaining!” And it’s true, but I’m not…right…right now. I’m all about sex and…frustration and…compulsion and fire and…I DON”T KNOW! Wow, I got really dizzy and I feel weird so I’m going to stop writing for a moment… Feel free to comment if you want to tell me to shut up…


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, Art Therapy, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Dreams, Family Relationships, headaches, Incest, Mania, Meds, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Social Security Disability, Therapy, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Ok so I’m a big liar and I am going to blog today after all :P

  1. shame says:

    Trust me, I’m not one of the optimistic ones. There’s nothing wrong with you. Everything you’re going through is because of what happened. I know you’d like to move fast-forward, but our minds go at their own pace. Sometimes too slow.

    As far as your sexuality, that’s something you should discuss with your therapist. Have you ever heard of sexual anorexia? http://addictions.about.com/od/sexaddiction/a/what_is_sexual_anorexia.htm
    I was diagnosed several years ago with it. I actually had a session with Patrick Carnes during my stay at The Meadows.

    Keep blogging.


    • tai0316 says:

      I got another comment today on this post and they asked me not to publish it so I won’t 🙂
      I figured I’d reply to several comments including that one here though.
      jo, I will definitely be discussing this with my therapist today. I used that link to look up sexual anorexia and I can see how someone who’s been abused could suffer from that. It makes perfect sense and I’m sad that you have to deal with that. I feel like mine is dysfunction in a different way, still dysfunctional of course lol!

      Someone else wrote to me about it and they experienced a similar feeling. I’m not feeling an aversion to sex or sexual activities, like in sexual anorexia, it’s almost the opposite: I’m obessesd with it. The problem concerning my husband is that he says things like “I love you” during sex and he likes to kiss. I do NOT like that. There have been times when that was ok but mostly not. I want no connection, no romance, just physical release. But, because I love him and I feel he derserves affection and love, I can’t be physical with him, even though I’m consumed by sex. My thoughts are all dirty and wrong and it’s eating me up, but the only way I can release that is…alone. I try to be intimate with him as much as I can because he has needs too and I love him. And the truth is I do want to be close to him in that way, but I can’t tell him about the awful sexual energy that has taken me over. He wouldn’t understand it if I said, “Ok, let’s have sex but don’t look at me, don’t talk to me, do not say that you love me and don’t kiss me!”

      I’m not expressing myself very well. I understand what I mean in my head but writing it out may come off wrong. I want to be sexual with him but the drive and my thoughts are all wrong and bad and I’d just be using him and that’s not what I want. I feel like sex is something for us to share together and I’m not doing that. But the reason I’m not doing that is because he derserves better than being used for release while I think dirty things. Ugh! I can’t say this right!

  2. attached says:

    I want you to know that I think it is very brave of you to be so honest about your sexuality. I feel exactly the same way. I avoid my husband sexually because it seems too intimate or connected but then I do things I would rather not compulsively as well. I hope you can be as honest with your therapist and it helps. I wish I could discuss it with mine. Please let us know how it goes.

    As for the new year I am not optimistic either. It is just another day in a long series of days that are difficult for me.


    • tai0316 says:

      Hi Di,
      Thank you for coming over and commenting 🙂
      I don’t know about being brave, maybe I’m just stupid lol
      I’m sorry you go through similar things, even though maybe it will help knowing that you’re not the only one. Sexuality and initmacy are very tricky things. When it comes to my therapist, the easiest thing tends to be to just print out my blog posts and read them to her. Maybe you could try writing out what you’re feeling and just read it to your therapist? I keep my head down the whole time but at least it gets out there. I see you have a blog too, I’ll have to come and see it. 🙂

  3. Hi tai,

    You are so brave to write the post and to talk to your therapist about it. The “sexual anorexia” describes me pretty well, so I can’t really relate to your difficulty with your husband. However, I can relate to the other part of it – the fantasies and memories that lead to a compulsion to m… . And like you, I don’t hurt myself, as in physical pain. It’s almost like it’s a ‘good’ thing, like I really need the release and it feels good to get it. But then straight away I feel so ashamed and dirty and terrible.

    I believe that these things will get resolved as we heal. I have tried in the past to work on the issue of my sexuality, both to be sexually involved with my husband and to stop the other stuff with myself. It has never worked that way, for me. I believe that’s because I haven’t yet dealt with the underlying issue, the trauma. Now that I am dealing with that, I have found the m stuff to be decreasing, without me doing anything specific to stop it.

    I bought a book years ago called “The Sexual Healing Journey” by Wendy Maltz. I’ve read about a third of it, a few times. I know now that I’m just not ready for it yet, not ready to tackle this issue head on. I do think the book is very good and other survivors have recommended it too, so I am recommending it to you. It sounds like you are ready to address this in your life.

    How did it go with your therapist? Did you read your post to her?

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey Dawn 🙂

      I have therapy in a little while so we’ll see how that goes. I keep hearing about that book so I will ask my therapist about it and ask her if I’m ready for something like that. I wanted to clarify that i go either way sometimes on this. Sometimes when “m” is involved I do make sure it hurts in some way but it’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s exactly what you describe and it’s about release, even when the release is horrible in a way. It depends on how bad my thoughts and fantasies are and how bad I feel about myself. If it’s really bad then… But like you there’s shame and disgust quickly followed either way. The fantasies are like being re-abused again and again, and that feels horrible. Not being able to stop also feels horrible.

      I’m glad you’re dealing with the trauma now and I’m super proud of you for working on this particular *cough cough* issue. 😀

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