I’ve been thinking about this subject for a while and I want to write about it but I’m not sure how to start or what to say. So, I will just start writing and see what happens.
In therapy my therapist has said sentences that start with things like, “When you were a child…” or “Think of yourself as a child…” or “Think of a child the same age as you were then…” And I shutdown inside immediately. I haven’t told her about this, but it happens as soon as hear words like that. There’s a wall there and I don’t know why. There may be fear there, I’m not sure. It’s like when she says those words, a gate comes down and gets shut tightly. A better metaphor might be a giant vault, like in a bank, that has that combination lock that looks like a wheel. There are bolts and steel locks and nothing can get in there. The question is why? I can think of myself as a child a little. I’ve told a few stories about something silly that happened, or the childhood friend I had, whatever. But…I don’t know. There’s a block there and I’ve never noticed it until therapy. It wasn’t just when the sexual abuse came up, this happened when we were talking about the physical abuse and neglect from my mother too. At those times, when she would say those words, I would feel myself going away but I got scared because I didn’t know why I was going away or who might show up. So, I would force myself to stay present. Staying present is an issue now because it feels like emotions that I’m not tolerating are contained in my childhood. Wow, I just drifted away for a moment. So in order to access those emotions, don’t I have to…not be present? I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure how to access whatever is behind this gate or wall. I’m not sure that I want to think about my childhood but I think I need to. And it’s not my entire childhood, it’s the time that I spent before my mother took me away from my grandmother’s house. That’s when he would have been there. But it’s weird because I loved living with my grandmother. She had the best closet ever! I could go in there and go through all of her old stuff, hats, clothes, trinkets. It was great and she loved me more than anyone did and I knew it. So what could be so bad that I don’t want to think about that time? What I mean is, what could be worse than what I already know? Emotions? Is it because all the emotions I felt while being abused are there? Am I scared of feeling that? It seems weird because they would be the emotions of a child and I’m an adult now. Couldn’t I handle it better now?
This is a confusing post because I don’t even know what I want to say. I may come back to this later.