Fear of connecting with childhood and childhood emotions


I’ve been thinking about this subject for a while and I want to write about it but I’m not sure how to start or what to say. So, I will just start writing and see what happens.

In therapy my therapist has said sentences that start with things like, “When you were a child…” or “Think of yourself as a child…” or “Think of a child the same age as you were then…” And I shutdown inside immediately. I haven’t told her about this, but it happens as soon as hear words like that. There’s a wall there and I don’t know why. There may be fear there, I’m not sure. It’s like when she says those words, a gate comes down and gets shut tightly. A better metaphor might be a giant vault, like in a bank, that has that combination lock that looks like a wheel. There are bolts and steel locks and nothing can get in there. The question is why? I can think of myself as a child a little. I’ve told a few stories about something silly that happened, or the childhood friend I had, whatever. But…I don’t know. There’s a block there and I’ve never noticed it until therapy. It wasn’t just when the sexual abuse came up, this happened when we were talking about the physical abuse and neglect from my mother too. At those times, when she would say those words, I would feel myself going away but I got scared because I didn’t know why I was going away or who might show up. So, I would force myself to stay present. Staying present is an issue now because it feels like emotions that I’m not tolerating are contained in my childhood. Wow, I just drifted away for a moment. So in order to access those emotions, don’t I have to…not be present? I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure how to access whatever is behind this gate or wall. I’m not sure that I want to think about my childhood but I think I need to. And it’s not my entire childhood, it’s the time that I spent before my mother took me away from my grandmother’s house. That’s when he would have been there. But it’s weird because I loved living with my grandmother. She had the best closet ever! I could go in there and go through all of her old stuff, hats, clothes, trinkets. It was great and she loved me more than anyone did and I knew it. So what could be so bad that I don’t want to think about that time? What I mean is, what could be worse than what I already know? Emotions? Is it because all the emotions I felt while being abused are there? Am I scared of feeling that? It seems weird because they would be the emotions of a child and I’m an adult now. Couldn’t I handle it better now?

This is a confusing post because I don’t even know what I want to say. I may come back to this later.

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About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatric medication, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Fear of connecting with childhood and childhood emotions

  1. meredith says:

    Have you and your therapist talked about giving yourself some time to get used to the idea that there are Others? It’s a wall I hit occasionally, even if I can hear Them in the background.

    I think going to therapy for this disorder is like going on a ghost hunt. I’m never really sure if I’m going to find something real… and I’m often sure I don’t want to feel anything that’s painful.

    Every other day, it seems, I decide that all of ME is fully integrated, that I don’t need to do internal work regarding my Old Life, and SO THERE!

    Your post makes perfect sense to me.

    ~meredith~

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey meredith,
      Can you elaborate on what you mean? I think my brain is mush and I’ve had a headache since yesterday. I guess my question is about the, “giving yourself some time to get used to the idea that there are Others?” I mean I know that I have DID so I’m not sure what you mean. You see, brain…mush…not working very well right now 🙂

    • Meredith says:

      I know I have DID, too… but I don’t always have a sense about what that means in relationship to which parts are the most forward. I used to do mental checks on who was around and whether I knew them before going to therapy because if my therapist says something to me like, “think of yourself as a child,” I immediately shut the doors so that she can’t see in, and neither can I. I feel afraid of how it much it will hurt when I connect with whatever thinking of myself as a child means at that particular time. I have child parts inside me, presently, that bring happiness to my conscious life. But they’re not always around. Who knows what might happen if I just spontaneously throw open my soul! It’s a huge trust issue for me. I don’t trust how my DID works all the time.

      So. I, too, would immediately go into a mental lock down mode after a hearing something like that because I don’t want to feel suddenly overwhelmed by something unexpected coming out.

      Sorry if that makes no sense. I feel overwhelmed today with “babysitting” my insides.

      If nothing makes sense, just hit ‘trash.’ I’ll understand.

      ~meredith~

  2. roseroars says:

    I know what you mean, but the way I went about beginning to be aware and open to younger parts ended up being a bit overwhelming. It’s much better now, though.

    Thinking of myself as a child while in therapy usually brings despair and confusion, but after acknowledging that and comforting those parts I feel okay.

    I’m not sure what to tell you, so I’ll stop here. Be kind, gentle, supportive and loving for those little parts.

    Lisa

  3. castorgirl says:

    One of the most obvious ways that I find it difficult to connect to myself as being a child, let alone a vulnerable one, I destroyed all the photos I have of me while growing up. The only one I have left is the fuzzy one that I put in the clip on my reflections post. I see those images and I don’t connect it as being me. I don’t even get a sense that she looks like me. Yet I know it’s me.

    I don’t know, can you use pictures of yourself as a child to try to connect some of the emotions and experiences? Even using the young images in your Polyvore sets is a connection to the idea that you were once young.

    You’re getting stronger, and your healthy coping mechanisms are increasing. So yes, I think you are more capable of understanding what happened back then, as the amazing adult you are now.

    It does get better, then you get a scared, then it gets better again, then you get a little lost, then it gets better again. All the time, it is getting better, it just doesn’t always feel that way in the moment.

    Take care,
    CG

    • tai0316 says:

      Hey CG,
      I really liked that picture of you, I wish I could have seen others because I really care about that little girl. Do you ever regret destroying the other pictures? I’m really curious.
      With my pictures, I have a lot of them and I used to think I was cute and funny but now I look and see something bad. I see avictim who asked for it so Idon’t know if I want to look at a picture of me. I wrote a post for tonight but I’m worried about putting it up because I don’t want to trigger people.

      I appreciate the, “It gets better, then you get scared, then it gets better again…” I like to here the honest truth from others.

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tai,

        I destroyed them ages ago, before my diagnosis. I get a sense that they were destroyed out of hate for that little girl. I now wish I hadn’t. I’ve heard of others use their old photos to help connect to the past, to see a picture of how small and vulnerable they really were at an age where they think that they were asking for it. So I regret that their loss means that I won’t be able to use them in my healing. There’s one in particular which is really important for some reason, and I really miss that one. It’s really innocent, I’m in the back yard just after Sun up, holding up a newly hatched chick to the person taking the photo. I don’t know why it’s important, but it is.

        I hope you put it up, but only do so if it feels safe for you all.

        Take care,
        CG

      • tai0316 says:

        I feel really bad that you don’t have that picture. 😦 Does your mother have a copy of it or any others that you could make prints of?

      • castorgirl says:

        Not that I know of…

        It may not feel like it right now, but one day you may treasure those photos. They’re a testament to a courageous little girl who had bad things happen to her, through no fault of her own.

      • tai0316 says:

        I’m sorry about the pictures. For some reason it really bothers me that you don’t have something that’s important to you. One of the last things I did before cutting my mother out of my life was get my hands on our family albums and scan any pictures that I might want so I could have my own copies. She likes to hold them hostage because she knows they’re important. Anyway, now that she’s out I won’t have the chance to get them again. There was actually a picture of my abuser in there with his wife and I now wish that I had made a copy. I don’t know why but I regret not having it right now.

        As for the pictures I do have…I’ll have to take your word for it.

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