A Conversation with my “inner child” *warning: I say things that are not nice*

I may not keep this post up because I’m worried about reader reaction…

I was reading The Courage To Heal with the goal of trying to figure out how to make a connection with my inner younger parts. My therapist wanted me to do some free writing about why I feel the need to self-punish and I have deduced that I can’t do that without connecting with my younger parts and my childhood experiences.

The Courage To Heal made a point of differentiating between the “child within” that they were talking about and DID younger parts. They said that DID was much more complex and should be dealt with using a trained therapist. The exercise they were talking about was about making a connection to the “child within” and comforting that child.

One of the suggestions was to write down a conversation between you and the child within. so I decided to do that. They’re goal is to have you come to a place of compassion but they said to be honest, don’t say that you love the inner child if you don’t. My experience of course was a little different considering the DID aspect. I wanted to put an excerpt of my conversation here. I’m not going to lie, I’m not nice at all. It’s how I feel. I don’t know which part I was talking to as I have several, but I didn’t care. I questioned posting this but it’s my blog so…whatever. I won’t say everything because by the end I was using language that I’ve never uttered in my life. Here’s most of it, my words are in bold, hers are italicized:

Hi. Hi. So, what did you do? I don’t know. You must have done something you little slut, so what was it?  I don’t know. What did he like about you?  I don’t know. What did you do!? I don’t… (I cut her off) Did you sit on his lap? Maybe. Did you like it? Yes. Did he like it? Yes. You always wore dresses. Yes. You must have done something. What was it? I must have been bad. What did you do? I don’t know. Did you like it when he touched you? No. it felt weird. (I say something really gross here about her body and she answered, yes, then I asked her if it felt good and she said yes. She was confused, and she said to me that I like it when I do things to myself, because she knows what I think about, and I said that it’s because I’m a little slut and so is she).


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, Alters, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative fugue, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Psychiatric Drugs, Psychiatry, PTSD, Rape, self-harm, Sex, Sexual Abuse, The Courage To Heal, Trauma, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to A Conversation with my “inner child” *warning: I say things that are not nice*

  1. So courageous of you to write about this. I wish you all the best in your healing. Thanks for sharing.

  2. castorgirl says:

    I’m so sorry tai. I hope you share this with your therapist.

    Can I ask that you show all of yourselves some compassion for the next few days, and do some soothing things for you all?

    Take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      CG, do you remember when we would discuss what it meant to be gentle with oneself or to comfort oneself etc.? I am so at a loss as to what it means to show compassion to me or any part. I don’t feel like there’s any compassion deserved towards anyone, including me the Host. I’m sure I’ll talk to my therapist about this, I’m just saying that it’s one of those moments when I read something like that and go, “Huh? I don’t get it.”
      I’ve never gotten how to sooth or comfort or anything.

      • castorgirl says:

        Let the young parts eat ice cream on their own… play games the teens enjoy… take a bath, shower, or anything that feels nice and relaxing against the skin. Anything.

      • tai0316 says:

        Thank you CG, I hoped you knew my question was serious not sarcastic. I appreciate the ideas and I will try them.

      • castorgirl says:

        I knew and understand.

      • Freasha1964 says:

        Tai, I actually DO get it that you don’t get it, because I don’t either for me. I feel in my case, I am holding out for a good adult example, the one I was supposed to learn from my mother treating me with the compassion that I missed out on after she died. I SO don’t want to be the one who has to do this for me. I have been taking care of myself for so long. Why do I have to keep on?
        Answering my own question from the good old left brain: because no one else it going to. Catch 22.
        But it is interesting to see the perspective of others. It is so easy to see that someone else deserves this care, and that they COULD possibly give it to themselves, but hard to turn it inward…
        And on another hand (how many hands are we on now?) I HAVE been taking pretty good care of myself on many levels.

      • tai0316 says:

        I love the “how many hands are we on now?” lol!
        And I totally get the left brain thing too. 🙂

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