I may not keep this post up because I’m worried about reader reaction…
I was reading The Courage To Heal with the goal of trying to figure out how to make a connection with my inner younger parts. My therapist wanted me to do some free writing about why I feel the need to self-punish and I have deduced that I can’t do that without connecting with my younger parts and my childhood experiences.
The Courage To Heal made a point of differentiating between the “child within” that they were talking about and DID younger parts. They said that DID was much more complex and should be dealt with using a trained therapist. The exercise they were talking about was about making a connection to the “child within” and comforting that child.
One of the suggestions was to write down a conversation between you and the child within. so I decided to do that. They’re goal is to have you come to a place of compassion but they said to be honest, don’t say that you love the inner child if you don’t. My experience of course was a little different considering the DID aspect. I wanted to put an excerpt of my conversation here. I’m not going to lie, I’m not nice at all. It’s how I feel. I don’t know which part I was talking to as I have several, but I didn’t care. I questioned posting this but it’s my blog so…whatever. I won’t say everything because by the end I was using language that I’ve never uttered in my life. Here’s most of it, my words are in bold, hers are italicized:
Hi. Hi. So, what did you do? I don’t know. You must have done something you little slut, so what was it? I don’t know. What did he like about you? I don’t know. What did you do!? I don’t… (I cut her off) Did you sit on his lap? Maybe. Did you like it? Yes. Did he like it? Yes. You always wore dresses. Yes. You must have done something. What was it? I must have been bad. What did you do? I don’t know. Did you like it when he touched you? No. it felt weird. (I say something really gross here about her body and she answered, yes, then I asked her if it felt good and she said yes. She was confused, and she said to me that I like it when I do things to myself, because she knows what I think about, and I said that it’s because I’m a little slut and so is she).