Something’s bothering me and I don’t know why

Recently the subject of siblings came up and I’ve been bothered but I don’t know exactly why I’m bothered. I had a step-brother (he did not abuse me) and he was 2 years younger than me. I say had because he moved out of our parent’s house when he was a teenager. He got out before I managed to. I was thinking about our relationship and how hard I tried to make him my brother. Our parent’s married when I was 10 and he was 8 and I was pretty cool with being the older sister. He was always getting into trouble as he had a terrible temper that leaned towards violence. When we were older he once came after me with a baseball bat. I had to run and lock my door to get away from him and I almost had to climb out of the window to get out of the house. On one occasion, I fell down the basement stairs and hit my head, he laughed and left me lying on the floor while he played video games a few feet away. I had a concussion and managed to finally crawl up the stairs and my mom took me to the hospital when she got home. he got in trouble for that one. When we were younger he get into fights and he would have kids coming after him to beat him up and I would step in and get them to leave him alone even though I’m not physically intimidating by nature. I would never fight I would just scare them off.  Actually once I took on a girl (yes he got this really big, strong girl who was a bully to come after him, idiot) she was HUGE compared to me but I had height on my side. She was coming after him on the bus to beat him up and I stepped up and physically pushed her off the bus. I was so scared but I figured it was my job to protect him. Anyway, when he was a kid he dreamed of being a stuntman and he would throw himself around and jump off things. We both loved to dance and we danced together to all kinds of music, that was fun. But I’ve been looking back at our relationship through the eyes of an adult and I’m seeing that something was off and it’s really bothering me. As an adult I see that he was unusually sexual for a kid his age and I’m thinking that he must have been abused at some point in his life. It wouldn’t surprise me, that kid was born into a horrible situation from the start and my step-father beat the crap out of him and I couldn’t help him. We liked watching movies and I remember that we used to re-enact scenes from movies. I never took this seriously, I loved to act, like I was in a movie or a play. I used to read Shakespeare aloud and play the roles, stuff like that. But he always wanted to re-enact any sex scenes we’d seen in a movie. I never understood why. He would get on top of me and I wouldn’t let him touch me, I remember that I insisted that a pillow be between us so he wouldn’t actually be on top of me. I was so uncomfortable and confused. I actually only remember one incidence of this as I felt really weird about it and put a stop to it. I even hinted about it to my mom because it felt wrong. I was always honest, I would tell on myself even with stuff no one would’ve found out about and silly things that didn’t matter. Of course my mom liked to hit me so I guess anything could’ve mattered. Anyway, I’ve been really bothered by this the last few days. I’ve never told anyone about it because nothing ever actually happened, but I’m still bothered. When I think about it, I’m ashamed because I was the older one. He was two years younger than me so why did I let him even try that with me? I was the older one, doesn’t that make me responsible? I’m not sure why I feel like this is such a big deal.


About CimmarianInk

Abuse Survivor Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) also known as Multiple Personalities
This entry was posted in abuse, bipolar disorder, Child Molestation, depersonalization, depression, derealization, DID, dissociation, dissociative identity disorder, Family Relationships, Incest, Mania, Mental Health, Multiple Personalities, neglect, PTSD, Sex, Sexual Abuse, Therapy, Trauma and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

9 Responses to Something’s bothering me and I don’t know why

  1. castorgirl says:

    Hi tai,

    Do you realise that you start off by saying your brother never abused you, then list all the ways in which he abused you?

    It sounds like there are huge amounts of subtext to your relationship, and I’d really strongly advise you to talk to your therapist about it. You were both abused, and in an abusive household – you lived in the same house as him when with your mother, but not grandmother? That adds all sorts of layers of issues to how you interacted and why – need to please, wanting to protect, needing to have someone on your side, etc.

    I can understand why it’s all bothering you. Try not to take too much on at once though…

    As always, go gently and take care,

    • tai0316 says:

      Hmmm…I guess I’m not seeing it as abusive. I figure since he never actually hit me with the bat etc. then it’s no big deal, yes I know how ridiculous that sentence is. 🙂
      I think I’m really worried about the re-enactment stuff. I feel like someone younger than me can’t abuse me. Is that weird? I feel like I’m responsible for whatever shameful feelings I have even though I can’t pinpoint a reason except that I feel our behavior was inappropriate for siblings, even step-siblings, even though nothing happened. Just the fact that he was on top of me, even with a pillow between us makes me feel wrong. But I was older so…?

      Oh, and yes he was just with my mother not grandmother. He visited there briefly but he wanted to be with his own family. My grandmother never trusted him, she thought there was something wrong with him because he lied a lot and his behavior was off. Again I blame his horrible life circumstances. Oh, and if you have anymore insight you wish to share, don’t hesitate ok?

      • castorgirl says:

        Hi tai,

        It’s possible to feel over-powered by a child younger than you – it’s about their body language and the potential for threat, not their size or age. There’s lots of questions raised when a child acts out towards anything sexually. It sounds like your step-brother had been through a lot, but that doesn’t excuse what he did to you. You say his actions made you feel uncomfortable, that’s enough to raise flags.

        I’m glad you talked to your therapist about it.

        Take care,

      • tai0316 says:

        I’m really glad I talked to her to. I didn’t realize how much it had bothered me for so long.

  2. It’s not age that matters, it’s power. In a sexual situation you might have felt powerless (due to your other experiences) even if you didn’t feel powerless with him in other circumstances. Just some thoughts.

  3. glassaviary says:

    I was sexually abused as a child, and I was way too interested in and knowledgeable about sex for my age.
    I never encountered the “re-enacting” thing, but personally I can’t help but hear echoes of myself and my siblings: the extreme violence against each other mostly, or as far as our interactions with each other were concerned.
    But yes, I knew far more about sex and was way way way too fascinated whenever a sex scene came on a movie.
    Fascinated yet mortified and embarrassed.

    Incidentally, looking back, it really pisses me off how sex scenes were apparently a requirement for any film not made by Disney in the 80s and 90s.
    I tell ya – sitting down as a 12 year old to watch a movie with the family and suddenly being bombarded with images worthy of Skinemax is REALLY awkward and uncomfortable!

    • tai0316 says:

      Hi glassaviary,
      You’re right about those movies. Looking back now I’m really surprised that we were allowed to watch that stuff but our parents didn’t really care about us the way they should have (obviosly). I’m really sorry that you experienced abuse. The aftereffects are complicated and long-term and I couldn’t see back then what was really going on with my step-brother. I don’t know if people today are more educated about seeing clues that kids have been abused. I hope so. And I felt the same way as you about seeing sexual things on T.V. or movies. Thanks so much for coming by and commenting. 🙂

  4. longlost says:

    I know that this site is old but I need help. I have so many thoughts in my mind and nowhere to let it out. I figured I could start here. See me Im a angry female, I hurt people that doesn’t do anything to me but love me. As I was growing up I didnt have a father all my siblins either met, spent time or talked to their father. But me my father was never ever around or he was never in my life & I truly think thats why I am the way I am. As I turned 13 & 14 my life fell completely I constantly had sex with multiple guys because I really didnt know any better I thought I was pretty cause all those guys wanted me… I went so far where I had sex with my ex friend boyfriend she didnt know until my ex bestfriend betrayed me & told her **note I did everything for my ex bestfriend her mom kicked her out so she stayed with me. Me and my ex friend faught and of course she got me and all I can think about is what I was doing in my past. I feel worthless & trashy. & At my school theres this rumor around that I have aids & people constantly says hahaha shes burning stay away from her dog, shes burning. People call me dirty, ugly, stank all that. All of this hurts me & its all I can think about . I get judged picked on everything it hurts my feelings. I get so sick of it. its like my mind want let anything go. my mind is always reminding me of my dirt. I sometimes come home from school and cry because people really dont know how low they put.. people love putting dirt on my name. I have thought about suicidal, I have thought about like if I wasn’t here the world would be better off without me. I did some messed up things in my life but why does it have to haunt me.. its like my past beats me up everytime. its like I can never stay true to my word. its like I have no place here.. I just feel hurt, low, & worthless. im really quiet I dont have friends because my trust for everyone is gone… no one likes everyone knows me as the person I use to be… if only they knew how I felt. I just help on how to get over it.. how to just not care wat people say.. how to stay strong.. & how to move on I just dont know what to do with myself anymore.. my mind is always confused. someone please help me!!!!!!!!!! ): long lost girl

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